Without You Here

by Ashby, Carter

  "I've always wanted to learn," I mused aloud.

  Wyatt did look up then. Then he nodded toward his son. "Blake plays. You should have him teach you."

  “You never told me you could play guitar,” I said.

  Blake shrugged. "It's nothing, really. I can't even read music or anything."

  Figured. Probably one of the most interesting things I'd learned about him, and he thought it was nothing. It didn't matter, though. I wanted Wyatt to teach me, not Blake. I wanted Wyatt's arms around me, his cheek resting against my ear, while he showed me how to position my fingers and strum the chords. I watched his hands and couldn't help remembering how those hands had felt on me.

  Everyone else filtered outside. Jesse came out with a banjo in one hand and a fiddle in the other. "Here, Uncle Wyatt," he said, handing him the banjo. "I wanna show-off for my girl."

  Wyatt smiled and traded the banjo for the guitar. Jesse pulled up an old stump and sat at the foot of the steps. He nodded at the pretty brunette he'd brought home with him, Stacy. "Come sit at my feet, Sweetie, and I'll serenade you." She giggled and blushed and sat on the ground next to him with her feet curled up under her skirt.

  Wyatt was tuning up the banjo. Stan had confiscated the guitar.

  "We all play guitar," Blake explained. "But Dad's the only one any good on banjo. And Jesse's the only one good on fiddle."

  Stan had taken up position in a folding chair down at the base of the steps.

  "Let's do Salt Creek, Uncle Wyatt," Jesse said.

  Wyatt nodded without looking up and started the song. Jesse jumped in with his fiddle.

  It was amazing fun listening to the music and clapping along. After their first two songs, which were mainly played so that Jesse could show off, Liza called for a waltz so that she could dance with her husband. Wyatt switched back to guitar and he and Jesse played a couple of waltzes while everyone with a partner danced in the yard. Then Wyatt did Amazing Grace alone on the guitar...this was apparently Amberlee's favorite version of the song. He looked terribly sad, playing it.

  The evening darkened long before I was ready to give it up. Jesse and his girlfriend went home. And then the rest of Stan and Diane's family. Cecily and her husband took their leave. Blake went out to his car and got my bags.

  "Let me show you to your room, dear," Liza said. She led me upstairs. There was a simple, full-sized four-poster bed with a tattered blue quilt on top; a shelf of books in the corner; some photos on top of a chest of drawers. I sat on the edge of the bed. Closed my eyes and just knew. "This was Wyatt's room, wasn't it?"

  "Yes," said Liza, surprised and delighted. "How did you know?"

  "It just...feels like him in here."

  I stared ahead and then realized there was silence coming from Liza. I turned and saw her staring hard at me. And then Blake came in with my bags and effectively ended the moment. Liza disappeared.

  Blake brought me into his arms. I was very careful not to hug him back. "I wish you'd change your mind," he said. "I think we can share a bed, Ettie. We've shared a bed as friends."

  "Every time we've done that we ended up having sex."

  "I know," Blake said.

  I pushed away from him and gave him a stern look. "I don't want that, Blake."

  He deflated some. "I know. It's fine. Just...come over tomorrow. I want you to see where I grew up."

  "That sounds fun."

  "And tomorrow...riding, okay?"

  I nodded again. And then thankfully, he left. I crossed the room to the dormer window, which looked out over the front yard and driveway. I watched Blake drive away and then went over to the bed, sat on the edge, and lay back. I closed my eyes and just tried to empty my mind and relax my body.

  "You're spending the night in my bed?" His voice was so deep and low. I wished I could bathe in it.

  He leaned in the doorway looking about as miserable as a human being could look.

  "Blake and I broke up," I said.

  "Mom told me. I can take you back home in the morning if you don't want to spend all weekend."

  "That would be fine with me," she said. "I promised Blake I'd stay until Sunday. But maybe you can convince him it would be better for me to leave."

  "I'll try."

  I sat up and patted the bed next to me. His jaw tensed and his eyes darkened. I suddenly regretted my little gesture. I might burn alive in the heat of the look he was giving me. He was all anger and pain and lust. He stepped inside, closed and locked the door. "Mom and Dad are out watering the garden and putting the chickens up. We've got ten minutes."

  He crossed the room and I jumped up and met him halfway. We wasted no time tearing out of our clothes, and in under a minute I was on my back in his old bed. We had no protection and I didn't care. I might never have this chance with him again. I needed this. Needed him. It was a shock when he entered me. And then it was an immense source of pleasure and comfort. I moaned, awash in ecstasy. I drank in his kisses and met him thrust for thrust. My orgasm came before his; it built slowly and lasted a long time, warming me with slow, thick waves of pleasure. And then he tensed and shuddered inside of me. His muscles immediately relaxed, after, and he collapsed on top of me.

  The whole event had only lasted a few minutes, but it meant so much to me that it could have been forever. He was kissing me again, tenderly on the lips and all over my face. I tried so hard not to cry, but a few tears seeped out anyway. He pulled back and smiled down at me. He wiped the tears away with his thumb.

  "Those don't mean anything," I whispered.

  "You're just an emotional lover."

  "Yeah." I smiled sadly. It was a mirror of his own expression.

  He kissed me once more and then climbed off and started dressing. All I wanted was to curl up under the blankets and sleep, but I forced myself up and reached for my clothes. Wyatt fastened his belt and went to the back window, presumably to check on his parents. He came back and wrapped his arms around me. I'd managed to get into my jeans and bra. He held me tightly. "I have to go. Thank you. And I'm sorry."

  "I'm sorry too. And thank you."

  We laughed at each other and how pathetic we both were. Then he kissed me goodbye and disappeared out the door. I finished dressing and took a breath to steady myself. I had to wait and see what emotions would surface. Mostly just despair. Melodramatic, I know. But when you can't be with the man you love, there's no other word to describe it.

  I needed to shower but I didn't want to wash the smell of him off of me. So I figured I'd wait until morning.

  Liza knocked on my door and stuck her head in. "Come down and have tea with me, won't you dear?"

  "I'd love to."

  Tea. How whimsical. I would have guessed, looking at her, that Liza was the type who took tea in the evenings. I skipped downstairs into the living room, my body still aching pleasurably from the after effects of Wyatt's attentions. This time there was guilt, too. I hadn't felt guilty last weekend. Now I felt awful. No telling what Wyatt's family would think of me if they found out.

  Liza had sat out a tray with a pretty, floral teapot and two matching cups. There were shortbread cookies dipped in chocolate, too. It was quiet in the house. The light from the living room lamps was yellow and comforting. The windows were opened, admitting a cool, spring breeze. I sat on the edge of the sofa, feeling suddenly a bit nervous. I know what I look like after having sex. I could only hope Liza wouldn't notice. She came in a moment later and took the chair next to me. She poured some kind of green tea and I sipped it eagerly.

  "Now tell me about you and Blake."

  I tried not to exhale in relief. This was an easy question. "We just don't work as a couple. You'll see...he'll be an absolute angel to me now that I've called it off. We always get along so well when we're just friends. But when we're dating, he's just...mean. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like everything I do embarrasses him and he's just constantly trying to change me."

  Liza nodded along. "I see. Then I suppose it's
good that you've ended it."

  "It is. And it's for good this time. I am determined not to let him talk me into dating him again. I think I need to find him another woman so he'll quit fixating on me."

  "So...what was it about coming here that made you finally decide to break up with him?"

  I wasn't sure what the point of this question was, but it had me back on edge. What was she fishing for?

  Whatever it was, Liza had already found it. She studied my expression and then sat her tea cup aside. "Last weekend, my son Wyatt met a young woman in a bar."

  Shit. Shit. Shit. "Oh," I said, trying to sound surprised or something. "That's nice for him." I hid behind my tea cup and broke eye contact.

  "Word gets around these parts," Liza said. "A good friend of mine, Joy Allen, called me last Sunday. She said her boy, Lyle, played pool with Wyatt and the young girl he was with. Said she was cute and perky. Blond. Real young."

  I nodded along and pressed my lips together. "I guess there's a fair share of women meeting that description."

  "Maybe. Whoever she was, she changed something for my son. He was distracted and moody for a couple of days. And then he showed up, Tuesday night, asking me what I would think of him dating a twenty-two year old woman. I learned from Stan that he'd been sorting through his wife's clothes, getting them ready to pack up."

  "I guess after two years, it's time to do that sort of thing."

  Liza shrugged. "Still, it was remarkable. See, Amberlee was sick off and on for five years. Wyatt took to doing everything around that house. Everything she wanted. Just to keep things normal for her. Didn't matter that she was confined to bed most of the time and couldn't see whether he'd put the groceries on the proper shelves in the fridge or weeded the garden every morning. He did it all anyway. He'd switched something off inside himself. Something that was so essential to who he was. And when she died, he kept going like she was still in the house, doing all those things for her like she needed him to do them. He's been stuck, you see. And I loved Amberlee like she was my own daughter. But she wasn't strong. Through all of it, she never was a fighter. She leaned on him and he carried her. He carried everything. Sometimes I get mad thinking how she used him up so much."

  Liza stopped and looked away. She shook her head faintly and blinked away a couple of tears.

  "So the way I figure it," she said, "I haven't seen my son in five years. I guess I got used to it and didn't think I'd ever see him again. But Tuesday when he came over, I saw him again. It was all I could do not to smother him with hugs and kisses. I know it was that girl that did it because I asked him. I asked him where that spring in his step had come from. He said he just had a mighty fine weekend and thought maybe it was time to get moving along."

  I was about to crush that thin, little teacup. So I sat it down and wrung my hands.

  "So," Liza continued, "he went on about his week looking better and better. He came over every day for lunch, which he usually does, but he was back. He was Wyatt again. Almost. Closest I'd seen in years, anyway. Until today. Today he fell apart. And I can't think what could have done this to him. I figure if that girl was what brought him back to life, maybe something happened involving her. Maybe he spoke to her or saw her."

  She had it figured out. There was no sense trying to lie. I was probably sheet pale at this point, anyway. I looked her in the eye. "We didn't know. I didn't know who he was. He didn't know who I was. It was an honest mistake."

  Liza leaned back in her chair. She took a sip of tea. "Tell me how it happened."

  "I'd fought with Blake. I stopped at a bar for a drink afterward and saw a handsome, older man sitting at the bar, looking real sad and lonely. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit impetuous. So I just flirted with him until he bought me a drink. Then I worked on getting him to laugh. After that, he took over."

  "He laughed?"

  "We laughed a lot last weekend. I've never been so happy in my life."

  "Had you planned on seeing each other again?"

  I remembered the pain of parting and bit back tears as I shook my head. "I wanted to be his girlfriend. He just wanted to have fun. He said he'd never take me home with him. I believed him. I was so afraid of falling in love with him and him not being able to let go of his wife. I fell for him hard last weekend and I just knew it was only going to get harder to part with him if I saw him again. So we said goodbye. And then Blake brought me here. I saw Wyatt over there at the foot of the stairs. Blake was outside. It was just the two of us and the way he looked at me...he was nothing but happy to see me. We kissed and said how much we'd missed each other. And then we realized what was going on. And I'm so damn mad at myself. All I would have had to do was ask his last name. Or his son's name. We were just holding back on personal information, is all."

  "Everything happened too fast."

  I looked up at her, drinking in her understanding, so grateful for the compassion in her eyes. "Exactly. We kept telling each other how much we didn't care. We had to joke about it because to face the fact that we'd instantly connected so deeply was just too hard."

  "You saved him, Ettie."

  This hit me. Hard. There's still a lot I don't know about the world, but I've had plenty of experience with men. I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. And I did not want a man I had to save. "He needs to save himself," I said.

  Liza smiled gently. "Yes. He does."

  "You understand, I can't have that on my shoulders. What if I did save him? What if I became his sole reason for living and being happy, just like she was. And then what if something happened to me? Where would he be then? He needs to grow stronger from this. I wouldn't even want to be with him until he does."

  Liza looked down at her lap. She seemed to be smiling to herself.

  I sighed. "Maybe last weekend woke him up. Maybe that's what it was meant to do. Just sort of jump start him. So...my job here is done, you know?" The finality of it choked me up. I bit my lip to keep from crying.

  Liza moved next to me and rubbed my back until I'd calmed down some. I was still sniffling. "With Wyatt, I...I've just never felt so...perfect. Everything was perfect. Being with him made me feel whole and perfect. But I determined in my head that I wouldn't wait for him. I've been trying all week not to think about him. And now here he is and...God, I'd do anything to be with him. I'd take backseat to Amberlee forever if I had to. But even that's not enough because I couldn't do that to Blake. And I know Wyatt couldn't either. This is such a mess!"

  Liza was quiet for a long time. She kept her hand moving up and down my back and I let the rhythm hypnotize me. I wasn't sure what she was thinking. Whether she was at a loss for words. Or maybe biting her tongue against a slew of criticisms. Or coming up with ideas as to how to solve my problems. Who knew? In the end, she offered me a hug and told me a good night's sleep would help clear my perspective. Which was such a charmingly useless piece of advice, I couldn't help but hug her back in gratitude. Then I went upstairs to bed.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Wyatt had a pleasant buzz going. He sat on the back porch steps with the light off, watching the stars, smoking a cigarette and taking the occasional drink of Jack Daniels. He heard the glass door slide open and shut. Blake sat down next to him.

  "Smoking," Blake muttered. "And drinking."

  "Amberlee doesn't mind if I smoke one after dinner as long as I do it outside."

  "She's dead, Dad."

  Wyatt gritted his teeth. "So why is your girlfriend sleeping in another house?" he asked bitterly, even though he already knew the answer.

  "She broke up with me. Right after we got here. But Lauren can't come pick her up until Sunday, so I've got two days to win her back."

  "But she wants to go home?"

  "Yeah, but she said she'd stay the weekend."

  Wyatt sighed. He needed to get Ettie out of here. His body was still enjoying the effects of making love with her. He wouldn't be able to get her out of his life until he...got her out of his life. "I'
d be more than happy to drive her home if she wants."

  "I appreciate that. But this is better. Plus, this came on so abruptly. I really need to make sure she's okay."

  "Yeah, but if she doesn't want to be here—“

  "Dad. Thanks. Really. But I want her to stay."

  Wyatt rested his elbows on his knees and dug his palms into his eyes.

  "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah. I'm fine, Son."

  Blake was silent for a long time. Wyatt stared down at the ground and wished he was alone. Maybe he'd sneak back over to his parents' house and climb up into Ettie's window and sleep with her in his old bed. He'd slept with Amberlee in that bed. It would surely be a betrayal to sleep with another woman there. Or anywhere.

  "I just don't want to be alone," Blake said all of a sudden.

  Wyatt looked at him. He was a good-looking kid. Very responsible. Hard working. Wyatt was proud.

  "I really care about Ettie. We have some great times together. But I guess I'm not absolutely sure she's the one for me. Still, it's so hard to find someone. What if I lose her and no one ever comes along to replace her?"

  Wyatt tried to find it in himself to commit to this heart-to-heart conversation. But he was tired. He'd spent all day with his family and not yet been to see Amberlee. He'd neglected so many chores that day...chores he'd promised her he would keep up with. He tried to remind himself that since she wasn't here, these conversations with Blake were on his shoulders as well. Amberlee would want him to take care of this. "You're twenty-one years old," he said. "And even if you were fifty, it's wrong to settle for a woman just because you're afraid of being alone."

  "I'd agree if it were anyone else. But Ettie...she's great. There's no reason I shouldn't be crazy in love with her. I just keep thinking, maybe she'll do some growing up in the next few years. Maybe she'll settle down a bit. You know, she was brought up by this super over-protective mom. She never went out of the house. So when she finally did get out, she just went really wild. And she had, like, no social skills. Lauren and I met her freshman year and we're basically her only friends. I guess...I guess I think I can fix her and then she'll be the perfect wife."