Psycho-Analysis: The Beginning

by Nuza, Catherine;

  I phoned my old neighbour Shawn next to ask him to clean my house and have it all in order before I arrived home. I dialled his number and waited.

  “Hello,” he answered.

  “Hi Shawn. It’s me, Khedlar. I was just wondering if you’d mind giving my old place a bit of a clean before I’m released from hospital.”

  “Khedlar, what are you, I mean, how are you? Weren’t you … , in the … , hospital…?” stuttered Shawn, giving his opinion of me away.

  “Yes, the loony bin,” I interrupted him. “But I am out now and sane. A free man!” I said with happiness imprinted all over my voice. Why is it so hard to get this man to shut up and just agree to clean my house and get on with it? People and their conversations!

  “Okay, erm…, no problem. I still have the key to your house. I’ll get it done on Wednesday, is that okay?” he asked sounding a little bit embarrassed.

  “Yes, that’s fine. One question though, have you seen my wife and Sue by any chance?” I asked, slipping in and out of reality.

  Shawn fell silent then said in a low voice, “They are dead Khedlar, you know that don’t you? Don’t you remember, you went to trial for it? You were accused of murdering them. Can’t you remember that? They didn’t find you responsible but they are dead all the same.” As he said this I could hear the worry in his voice.

  “Yeah, I thought it was true but they gave me so many drugs in that loony bin, I don’t have proper memories. They’re all twisted and I still don’t know what is real or what my imagination has created to fill in the blanks,” I explained. “But if you could do that for me it would be great.” I pushed to change subject.

  “Yeah, no problem. I will get it done, see you soon, bye.”

  “Bye Shawn, see you soon.” And with that I hung up.

  Shawn had been my neighbour for over twenty years. He was a strange man in appearance and did cleaning jobs on the side to earn some extra cash as his wife had expensive taste. His main job as an office clerk didn’t provide him with the money he needed to keep his wife happy. He was very dependable and hard working. I had used his services a couple of times before and was never disappointed. In fact I think Shawn was a bit obsessive compulsive himself.

  I turned the chair around as my attention settled on a mother with her young child. She was fussing over him, making sure his hair was neat and wrapping her arms around him. Both their expressions I noticed changed in that embrace, they seemed happy. It was like a hug from your mother is just a normal, everyday thing.

  I’d had a very strange upbringing and although my parents loved me, I did feel very much alone. I started to stretch out my sore leg as the side of my thigh pressed against the metal frame of the wheelchair. The key that I had kept hidden on me pinched into my leg. I pulled it from my right pocket and started to reminisce on how I had found it in the bathroom; that strange day in the loony bin. The weight of the key was familiar to my hand, my fingers memorised its detail and shape. The memory of seeing my brother placing something inside the box, a secret, haunted me. What was in the box? Was that the reason Demetrius ran away? Was it bad? Why do I have such a need to find something that had never been part of my life, my reality? All I knew was that this was not just a key. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach that it was so much more.

  I remembered that my brother once told me that we weren’t just twins, that, in fact, we were triplets. The third one of us had been born highly deformed and was hidden away in the cabin deep in the woods near our house. I never really believed it; I thought he just wanted to scare me. He would make up stories which always ended in a deformed boy coming to kill me.

  He would tell me he had heard screams coming from the cabin, how even the trees near it grew crooked and their leaves seemed to die as soon as they sprouted. He would warn me never to go alone into that part of the woods as he would be waiting for me, hidden in the bushes to camouflage his ugly face. He told me that if I stared in the mirror too long he would use it as a portal to suck the life out of me. Needless to say I have never been one to look in a mirror for more than a minute. I would have nightmares as a result of these stories. I would wake up screaming! No one ever came to comfort me and the darkness would make my imagination create the image of him in my room. He would be hiding behind the chair or standing by my door. Maybe my brother didn’t see that in scaring me with these stories he would make the image of our deformed triplet manifest himself and make him real in our minds, scaring himself in the process.

  Now that I had a clearer mind I recalled that my brother had also told me he had stolen a key to the cabin from my parents. He had described the key to me but I could not be sure what it looked like, it was a long time ago. Could it possibly be the key I now possessed? Why had it come into my possession?

  The rest of the week passed quickly. I was waiting to be discharged by the doctor who was still making sure all was working well and my heart was recovering. The monotony of this place bored me into submission and every day closer to my discharge made me crave my freedom that much more. Time slowed down to a snail’s pace and the clock on my wall ticked away the seconds’ one at a time. I saw myself getting lost in the endless possibilities of what was to come. My eyes were now open and I knew that with every answer I gained, ten more questions would be born. My life had always been a puzzle with so many missing pieces. I made a conscious choice that I would no longer allow myself to be led but rather, I would be the leader in my own destiny.

  Friday came and it was a cold, wet day with heavy clouds darkening the sky. I woke up at seven in the morning, shaved, brushed my teeth, had a shower and was dressed before the nurse came round with my heart pills. She entered the room with a soft smile on her face, my pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other, exactly the same as every day I had been here.

  “Here you go Mr Slater,” she said as she passed me the tablets and glass of water.

  “Thank you,” I said, as I swigged them down.

  “The doctor shall be round in a few minutes to sign your discharge papers.”

  Those few minutes turned out to be half an hour and were the longest minutes of my life. The waiting made me nervous; the room began to get hot even though it was a cold, wet day.

  Eventually the door opened and Doctor Greendale entered the room. “Well, today’s the big day on which you are a free man. How are you feeling?” she asked.

  I looked at her with smiling eyes, “I feel better than I have felt in the last six years. What’s sweeter than getting your freedom back?” I asked. My excitement was expressed through a wide grin.

  She left my room for a second and returned with a bag. “This was sent for you. A man insisted on giving it to me personally and asked that I give it to you directly. I regret to tell you I don’t know what he looked like as I couldn’t see his face. He had a hood covering his head, wore sunglasses and looked down all the time while he talked to me. Well, here, I will leave you to pack the last of your belongings and I’ll be back in a bit.” She giggled as she walked out. Dr Greendale could see how truly happy I was.

  I looked in the massive Armani bag filled with curiosity only to find a sleek, dark grey suit. It was in an oriental style with a matching light grey shirt, a silver silk tie and a pair of really smart shoes. I felt the soft texture of the tie as I slid it in-between my fingers and the smell of the leather from the shoes made me feel like a man again. The style of the clothes were my style, the size was my size, and I was speechless. Who could possibly have bought this for me and why? It must have cost a fortune! Surprisingly, everything was exactly to my taste. I got changed immediately. This was the best gift I could have asked for and yet I hadn’t had anyone to ask it from, or so I thought. I didn’t really care or over think it too much. The fabric covered my skin as I slid the clothes on. In that moment I felt strong and alive!

  I admired myself in the mirror and thought I looked really great. Just what I needed, a confidence boost after all the depression I had been through
. I stared at my reflection staring back at me, how old I looked, six years had gone by and I had never noticed how my face had started to change and the strain that place had put on my body.

  Just as I was about to throw the plastic bag in the bin I realised a note lay at the bottom. Disturbingly, it actually looked like the same hand writing as the one on the notes I had received before in the white hell. My heart was racing as I began to read.

  Dear Khedlar,

  I hope you like the stuff I bought you; it fits well, doesn’t it? I knew it would.

  You might be a little bit lost now but as soon as they let you out, you and I will meet.

  You did pretty well covering up that you are crazy, so have I, as have your parents. We are all mad even though we tell ourselves we are normal like everyone else.

  We have a need that’s different to other people, a need to kill and to feel life in our hands. You said when you were small that you wanted to be a doctor, you wanted to save lives, but what was the real reason? To see the blood? Or to have the power to choose if someone lived or died?

  When you go home, go to the cabin. Use the key I gave you. When you enter you will finally understand everything!

  See you soon.

  D.

  ‘D?’ Who was D? It couldn’t be my brother Demetrius, could it? The letter was so confusing. I might have doubted my sanity but I am not mad! I am not a killer! Thinking about who this ‘benefactor’ could be was corroding my mind, but even so, I thought about it until Doctor Greendale returned.

  As she entered the room and saw me, she stood there and looked quite amazed. “My goodness, you look great! It’s a really nice suit, was it from your family?” she asked.

  “I don’t really know yet. I think he, whoever he is, wants it to be a surprise,” I said while trying to figure out myself what was going on. “So doc, am I free to go now?!” I asked in a happy voice, so happy it really didn’t sound like my own.

  “Yes, you are. All your bits and bobs from the ‘white hell,’ as you put it, will be sent to your house in a few days. You may leave as soon as you’re ready; but remember you have an appointment in a week’s time to see me just to make sure all is going well. I wish you all the best and keep up with your medication, okay?” She gave me a hug and left.

  I packed the one outfit I had owned in this hospital and walked out of my room. For a long time I only had a room to myself but now I will have a whole house, my house, my space, my freedom and most of all, my self-respect. It felt so good I could already taste it.

  I walked down the hall, down into the lift and stopped at the main reception to ask for a taxi. To my surprise it was Nurse Shirley who was behind the counter.

  “Good morning Shirley. Could you call me a taxi, please? I’m going home today.” As I said this I wondered if I sounded completely normal.

  She looked closely at me as her eyes scanned me from head to toe and she asked, “Khedlar, is that you? You look so different!”

  I smiled at her. “Yes it’s still me but I’m a new man. I’m free.” I gave her a boyish grin.

  She smiled and laughed. “Well, then, I mustn’t leave you waiting. I’ll call you a taxi right away.” She picked up the phone and asked for one to come to the main entrance of the hospital. As she hung up she looked at me. “It’s on its way Mr Slater. I wish you luck, take care now.”

  “Thank you Shirley, I will,” I said with the realisation that from this point on I had to take care of myself. I felt very light as I walked out and couldn’t feel my feet touch the ground.

  Now to leave this place and piece my life back together again. I was finally free and knew nothing could stop me now. I glanced reluctantly over my shoulder on the way out and looked at the hospital. I wanted to take one last look at the place that had been my salvation and remembered the torturous white hell that had imprisoned me for the last six years of my life. The air tasted crisp in my throat. I could feel the pure taste of the air as the cold breaths I inhaled condensed on my tongue. I desperately breathed in the scent of freedom. No longer a caged beast, an insane animal but a man who could hold his head up high. A man on a mission and nobody was going to get in my way …

  Chapter 16

  Free at Last!

  The day was still dark but the rain had stopped for now. I could hear the distant sound of traffic as I sat on an old wooden bench by the road to wait. My heightened senses were on overload as every noise, every movement engulfed me in my paranoid thoughts. Not long now, not long now, I repeated in my head. Almost home.

  An old, slightly battered, yellow taxi pulled over and the driver, who was in his late forties, hung out the window shouting at me in a strong Italian accent, “You calla‘e taxi!?”

  “Yes,” I replied as I got up, picked up my plastic bag and got into the back seat.

  The car inside was absolutely filthy, so much so it made my skin crawl. There were empty crisp packets, coffee cups thrown on the floor and a highly pungent odour which I never wished to recognize again, it suffocated me as I got in. I assumed it came from the driver himself. He had obscenely greasy hair that hung below his collar. He wore a green polo shirt and jeans which were obviously too small for him. The rolls of fat were bulging out and were visually offensive. He looked like an oversized, hairy baby.

  “Wer to my fren?” he asked as he indicated to pull out.

  “Home. 20 Heavens Court, Dawn Vines,” I said proudly. It had been so long since I actually had a home to go to. I felt my posture change for the first time in years, I wasn’t embarrassed or hiding who I was. Something as insignificant for others as having a home to go to, was my idea of sanctuary. My place of control, one that had been sorely missing from my life.

  “No problem,” he said as he winked at me.

  We were in the outskirts of Dawn Vines so it would take at least an hour to get home, depending on the rush hour traffic and how fast he would drive.

  I opened the window to let in the wind that whipped through my hair and caressed my face. I enjoyed this simple pleasure after six long years of being cooped up in that hell.

  As we drove closer to the house I began to feel confused and overwhelmed. I think I had been told what to do for so long that I had become institutionalised. I strongly believed I would overcome this feeling, so I braced myself as we entered the woods. My house was only five minutes past the entrance of Slaughter Woods.

  It began to rain, the clouds thickened creating a dark cover overhead. The icy chill had set my blood cold and forced my body to pant, the thinned air which almost exploded my hospitalised lungs. No more re-circulated air that was controlled, just fresh, clean, life giving oxygen.

  We finally arrived at my house. I thanked the taxi driver and paid him. He thanked me profusely as I gave him a substantial tip. I walked towards the front door of the house and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Images of Sally and Sue’s dead bodies overwhelmed my mind, my ears began to ring and my eyes fell blind. I was caught in the moment, caught in the nightmare that had taken place. My body begun to convulse internally. For a few moments I was neither here nor there; I was trapped in a downward spiral. All of a sudden I was fine. I looked around cautiously to make sure no one had seen me having my crazed moment. There was no one about, I was safe, for now.

  I heard a sound coming from inside and just as I stopped and listened to make sure I had heard right, the door opened and Shawn was standing there.

  “Hi Khedlar. I was just finishing off the house. I’ve been very busy with work all week, but everything should be up to your standard,” he said.

  I shook his hand. “Thanks Shawn. Let’s go inside and have a chat, I haven’t had a proper conversation with someone for years,” I said, as I gestured for him to come inside.

  “Erm… yeah sure, I need to talk to you about a couple of things. I was going to wait till you settled in but we can have a chat now if you want.” We walked into the sitting room and sat down, the room felt so strange. I didn’t feel at ease in
my own home, it was not the way I had imagined it at all.

  I sensed there was a strong presence within the house, I hid this from Shawn. I asked him if he was hungry as a distraction for my own mind that was drifting in and out of the thought of if Sally and Sue’s souls were trapped here. “We could order out,” I suggested.

  “It’s up to you Khedlar, I don’t mind. I did buy some food and drinks to tie you over till you go shopping yourself,” he said with a lot of concern in his voice.

  “Let me know what you want to talk about and then I could whip up something for us to eat instead if you want?” I was eager to know what he had to say but I was very aware that my mind still needed a constant distraction.

  “I think I will pass this time, if that’s okay with you Khedlar, the wife’s got a pie in the oven, next time for sure.” I could tell eating food was the last thing on his mind, so I paid close attention to what he was so eager to tell me. His eyes dotted about the room as he spoke, making his nervous energy obvious to me. He scratched his head as he proceeded to talk.

  “Okay, erm… well, the other day I found some pictures of your wife and kid. I don’t know if you would’ve minded but I put a couple of them in some nice frames and hung them up. The strange thing was, that when I returned earlier to drop off the shopping, the frames were smashed to pieces and the photos were ripped to shreds!” he exclaimed. He looked at me with his wide eyes; he was scared; I could sense it. “Does anyone else have a copy of your house key Khedlar? There was no sign of a break in. I checked every door and window,” he added.

  I looked into his eyes with a smile on my face. “She did it. She never loved me. Did you know my daughter wasn’t even my biological daughter? She was the result of an affair. She never loved me. How could she?” I asked out of self-hatred. I started to feel the heat rise from my core; my head started to feel heavy as my forehead began to sweat. The vein in my neck was pulsating as the blood rushed to my ears.