Psycho-Analysis: The Beginning

by Nuza, Catherine;

  Dariouse stood up at once and left the room. Coward I thought, he could have stayed to enjoy the show.

  “Now,” she blurted. “How are you not still locked up at the funny farm?” she asked me. Looking like a drunk donkey that needed to be put down.

  “I’m innocent and therefore I’m a free man to do as I please,” I said. She pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and lit one up, blowing the fumes in my face. I could smell her bad breath which made me feel sick.

  “Is that what happens… people kill their wife and daughter and say they are crazy for a bit… and then get let out?” she asked in a patronising tone.

  “Why did you come here if you think I’m a killer?” I asked this walking disaster as she wobbled towards me like a dog walking on its back legs.

  “Cause I think I deserve something in return for… for the pain you caused me. She was my sister and Sheryl I mean Sue was my niece,” she said. No tears of pain fell from her face and I noticed that her arms were covered in needle marks. I was starting to understand what she really wanted, it was money.

  “I had a word with some of you neighbours before I knocked on your door Khedlar and they don’t really like having murderers living next door to them,” she said trying to get a reaction out of me.

  “Well we will just have to see if you make it out of this house first and take it from there I guess,” I said as I pulled out my scalpel.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, looking shocked and scared. I moved the blade in cutting motions in front of her face bringing a chill to the air that was palpable. “Put it away… you wouldn’t… stop it!” she said choking on every word as it emerged from her lips.

  “I wouldn’t would I?” I asked allowing a genuine smile to shine through at seeing her so sad and defenceless.

  “I will leave I… I promise I never talked to anyone,” she said rushing towards the front door as I followed her with my blade leading me forward. She turned quickly and saw she had reached the front door, grabbed the handle and shot out of the house. I stood in the doorway laughing as she ran off down the street looking like road kill. I waved to Andrew who was watering his roses in his front yard dropping the hose by his side as he stared at Len in confusion. Dariouse should have stayed, he might have enjoyed the show I thought chuckling to myself.

  “What was that about?” asked Dariouse from behind me.

  “Nothing, just Sally’s sister. Some people never change I guess,” I said as I shut the front door.

  “I could hear her calling you a killer, that’s not okay,” Dariouse said sounding fake in his tone of voice.

  “I know what I have done and I never killed Sally or my baby girl,” I said defensively, showing him my innocence.

  “I believe you brother,” said Dariouse. He had that crooked smile again. It was really starting to annoy me.

  “Good,” I said, not wanting to hear a whole speech of how he trusts me because I am his brother.

  I went into the kitchen to make myself a coffee and the annoyance of Len slowly subsided. I bet she won’t be coming back here again in a hurry I thought. The image of her screaming, running down the road drunk off her face was amusing though. Maybe I should have killed her, helped clean up the trash from this world. I’d had so many annoying interactions with Len in the past that I’d come to see her for what she was… a pathetic waste of space.

  My skin crawled with agitation as I paced restlessly with pent up energy I had no way to express or release. Anger overwhelmed my body, bubbling out of it with my insane life that just kept trying to knock me down relentlessly. I decided I needed to go visit the graves of my ‘parents,’ to blow off some steam. Someone had to answer for the wreck I’d become and they were as good a place as any to start. I told Dariouse to stay out of my way, he could do whatever he liked as long as he didn’t follow me. I needed to be alone right now and I didn’t trust myself not to do something I’d later regret if he was around.

  I walked as fast as I could, stretching my legs into long strides that ate away the ground beneath me. Sounds and sights blurred as my mind reeled from unwelcome people invading my life and doing whatever they wanted to! I tasted blood and realized I’d bitten my cheek from grinding my teeth. I was raging inside at all the injustices that plagued me, going unanswered. The crisp air smelled of pine and damp soil and reminded me of rebirth in nature when the rain purified the land below it. I needed purification, purging and release. I needed my life to be just and fair, not full of other people’s problems and torments.

  The black metal gate squeaked open on its rusted hinges as I entered the graveyard to go find my parents, the lying scum, I hoped they rotted where they lay. I spotted their tombstones and noticed they were covered in patches of pale blue moss. The graves were unloved, uncared for and covered in weeds. Nobody had come to visit them, no one was bothered that they were no longer amongst the living. I spat on them and glared my hatred through eyes that no longer saw the world around me. I stood there in silence as I didn’t think they deserved me wasting my breath on them.

  I despised them with every ounce of my body for lying to me my entire life. Mother was an abusive alcoholic and father an emotionally devoid man who was self-absorbed in his work. Neither of them gave me love or nurtured me as a child, instead I was raised with a mixture of pain, aggression and hatred. I was lied to, battered, ignored, and humiliated and left for dead with my shattered leg being a permanent reminder of that. I was better off without ‘family,’ being in my life. The ones I had left would have to be dealt with. At least the ones lying cold in their graves before me was a step in the right direction. It was up to me to make sure the rest followed soon.

  I looked up to see Dariouse standing at the far side of the cemetery. I had to squint my gaze to be sure but there he was standing as bold as day. I couldn’t believe the nerve of the man after I’d specifically told him not to come. He was going to pay, right here, right now for not listening. I’d make him listen one way or another. I ran towards him, roaring my disapproval of his disobedience. I raised my fist and punched him as hard as I could. He staggered backwards and I went at him for more, ready to destroy him.

  “Khedlar please, don’t do this. Look, see what I found!” Dariouse pleaded as he waved something at my face.

  “You should run!” I shouted, warning him of my intent.

  “It’s your photo of Sue Khedlar!”

  “Liar!” I roared. I frantically searched my trouser pocket for the photo and came back empty handed. Dariouse stood there silently watching the panic in my eyes. “Give that to me,” I said as I snatched the photo from his outstretched hand. I looked at it and relaxed instantly seeing my little girl’s face staring so innocently back at me.

  I dropped to my knees, threw back my head and screamed so loud I thought my head would erupt. My throat was raw and finally my emotions were free. I kissed the image of Sue’s face and carefully put the photo back into my pocket. I stood up and my legs were shaking. I’d been ready to kill Dariouse and now I owed him my thanks. He was my faithful brother after all, not a liar like the rest of them. He was my saving grace, a new beginning that could be as pure and good as my love for Sue. I went over to him and hugged him so hard I thought my chest would explode.

  “Thank you brother. I will never forget what you’ve done for me. I love you and will always protect you no matter what. The rest of them don’t deserve my love, but you, truly do.”

  I strolled back from the graveyard taking a different route home as I needed a peaceful walk through the park. My soul felt lighter and all was good with the world once more. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to get rid of all the stress that had been building up inside of me. I needed to be surrounded by greenery and nature to soothe my inner core. Len had been the final straw and almost sent me over the edge. I now knew that the only person in my life that deserved my love and trust was right here by my side. My brother who was always there and didn’t question or judge me. He’d ha
d just as much insanity growing up in his life as I had. He didn’t deserve it, neither of us did. The people who had caused it were still breathing and it was time for them to be punished. I would be their judge and executioner. I would bring justice to our lives. It was time for payback and to settle the scores for both of us.

  I was lost in my thoughts and felt oblivious until a faint noise seeped into my consciousness. I heard soft music wafting in the atmosphere and I turned my head to face the direction it was coming from. I noticed a carnival in the distance as I changed direction to head towards it. Dariouse didn’t question me about this but faithfully followed my lead. I could see the huge sign with its flashing lights as it became legible and the noise of the fair invaded my mind. The carnival had come to town as it had done so every year, bringing joy and misery to the children of Dawn Vines.

  The wind swept leaves swirling around my automated feet almost urged me forward into the serrated jaws of macabre projections. My soles bounced lightly on the moisture filled grass as I left the course gravel behind me. I felt like I was entering a dream and yet I was fully awake. Dariouse walked behind me, leaving me completely alone inside my traumatized mind as cascading triggers bounced off the edges of insanity to sanity, real and surreal. Even the children seemed malevolent all dressed up in sacks that had been torn and badly sewn together. Their faces were painted like skulls making their eyes look sunken and hollow. Their teeth gleamed in the bright lights as laughter and shrieking echoed in the damp, chilly air.

  For a second I lost sensation of the ground below me as I turned to see a stall. I was frozen in time recollecting that this was the exact place I had won Dede from all those years ago. Ann had lifted me up to throw the darts so I could pop the floating balloons. I had won and the skinny, bone chested man passed me Dede, congratulating me. The memory had been bittersweet and what happened next could never have been expected. I could feel the pressure building in my queasy stomach. I watched my past relive itself in my mind as it was being egged on by my physical surroundings.

  I was with Demetrius in the hall of mirrors, running after each other and playing hide and seek. I had lost him when the music stopped it energetic noise and the lights went out. All about me was silenced darkness and I could see my breath steaming from my anxious mouth. I shouted for my brother but all I heard was my voice echoing in the mirrored walls of the hall. I panicked and started to run, the hall of mirrors was like a never ending maze making me loop back on myself.

  My panting had taken over my ears to dull out sound when I started to hear the screaming. I followed it hoping I would find someone, anyone. There was a door in front on me with “exit” written in luminous green and silver letters. I was so small that I had to jump and pull all my weight down on the solid metal bar handle to release the door. It swung open and I fell forward into what I thought was greasy oil.

  I stood up thinking that all I’d feared was behind me until I looked down. I was standing in a pool of thick, gloopy blood. My clothes were drenched in it from my fall. I saw blurring images of people screaming and running with children being carried or led by tightly clasped hands. They were running away from me!

  I looked up and the first thing I saw didn’t make sense. I couldn’t grasp what it was. It looked like a piece of bone jutting out from severed flesh. My eyes scanned higher and I could see a body hanging upside down, tied by the ankles with thick, coarse rope. My mind took a second to understand that this wasn’t a prop but a dead corpse of a man. It was headless and suspended from the tower of the outer wall of the house of mirrors. I moved forward cautiously only to slip in the puddle of blood and fall back down onto the slick, slippery floor. I grabbed at the air, trying to find something to stabilize me so I could stand back up on my feet. My tiny hand caught something that felt soft and areas of it were furry. I jumped back screaming, it was the head! The head had no eyes left in their sockets and the tongue was burnt purplish, black. The bloated tongue hung out of the overstretched mouth and curled to one side of its face. It felt like hours passed before I could find Ann and Demetrius. When I did Ann acted as if she was so relieved that I’d found them and was alright. Her behaviour was in stark contrast to the fact that the whole time she had just been sitting there having a vodka while everyone else searched frantically for their children. I knew she never cared, not even then, when I was small, vulnerable and needed protecting. Not even when Ann had taken us to the fair for a fun outing to give Georgia a break from us, she had failed and shown quite clearly that she didn’t have one single clue about how to look after children.

  Demetrius had just laughed and said how stupid I was for falling in the dead man’s blood. He’d taunted me for years after that incident every time the fair came to Dawn Vines. Even Dede remained stained as Georgia could never remove the blood marking his fake fur. She wanted to throw him away but I never let her because a stuffed toy rabbit had been my only comfort that night, even when I’d been in a place surrounded by so many people, no one had seen me.

  “Khedlar,” whispered Dariouse as he gently tugged my sleeve. “It’s time to go home.”

  I blinked and realized where I was. “Yeah, let’s go,” I said feeling embarrassed that he’d seen me lapse into my mind.

  “I mean our home brother, with mother and father. Mother has no right to the mansion, it should be ours and father needs to know about her lies,” he said insistently.

  “You’re right Dariouse and this time we’re not going to be sneaking in like thieves in the night,” I replied.

  “You never needed to brother. It’s your home too now and anything you need to know is there for you to take.”

  “Okay,” I mumbled as I left my childhood hell behind us. He was right, it was time to go home and confront what could no longer be denied.

  The walk back was quick. I felt an urgency pulling at my soul that needed to be answered. I meticulously packed my travel bag and called a taxi to come fetch us. I stood waiting outside as sunset delivered beautiful hues to the encroaching night’s sky. My skin shivered more from anticipation that the dampened cold air. My senses were heightened as I craned my hearing for the sound of the car tyres. I heard crickets chirping and bullfrogs croaked as the nightlife became active. I could smell burning and checked to make sure nothing near us was on fire. I realized how exhausted I was and that I was hallucinating, smelling things that weren’t real. I couldn’t taste metal in my mouth yet but knew that would soon follow if I didn’t get a good night’s rest.

  It felt like an eternity had passed before the taxi finally drove up to us. Dariouse put our bags in the boot without having to be told and I got into the car without waiting for him. I instructed the driver and knew we were on our way back to mother’s clutches as the car pulled off. Its tyres crunched noisily on the loose gravel before it found the tarmac of the open road. I sat back thinking that I was part of a family, my family and how strange it was that they were a part of me too. They had me in their sick embrace or so they thought. I knew I was a person who could never be controlled, manipulated or affected. I realized that if they thought they had complete control over me, I could use it to my advantage.

  The day had turned to night and I suddenly felt hot. Heat seeped from my skin and scalp. Dariouse sat silently next to me looking happy with himself. I wondered at that moment what exactly he had to be so pleased about. We rode in the car without conversing which suited me just fine. I knew my life had been a disaster but I had the overwhelming feeling that finally it was going to be okay. I knew what I had to do I just had to figure out how it was going to happen.

  The taxi stopped outside the mansion and Dariouse paid the driver. My mind was pre-occupied with what would happen in this hellish place. The driver was just a faceless drone and my sense of smell hadn’t been offended, so I assumed this must have been the cleanest taxi I’d had so far. Mist wrapped itself around the house giving it an air of being completely cut off from the rest of the world, as well as from reality. The lights
were on inside as we approached. Nothing would ever be the same again after tonight and I couldn’t wait for it to begin.

  Chapter 26

  The Penny Drops

  The house magnified the closer I got, looking sinister and dark. It perfectly mirrored the way I felt and gave me a sense of visual satisfaction. It had a menacing edge to its splendour I hadn’t noticed before. I truly was home, this house would be mine and Dariouse’s to share. We would live out our days here with each other for company. The world would be closed to us from within the doors that held a story that was yet to be told. I watched him standing beside me, smiled secretly as I stood firm and rang the bell.

  Father instantly opened the door like he’d been waiting for us all this time. He was dressed in a vintage white suit that would look strange on most men but fit him perfectly. The house glowed brightly and even the gargoyles by the main entrance seemed to be smiling at me. It sent a shiver down my spine. I’d been so used to sadness and despair for most of my life. Smiles scared me as they normally only came before something nasty like injections or shock treatments. Smiles felt evil and put me on edge.

  “I am so glad you’re both home,” father said, pulling us both into his arms and hugging us tightly.

  “It’s good to be home,” Dariouse said, as he gave father a wink, placing one hand on his shoulder.

  “Son,” father said as he looked at me, “come inside, we have cooked up a feast.” It was the first time I realised that he had the same crooked smile as Dariouse. A fake smile, one that couldn’t be trusted.

  “I can’t wait,” I said trying to sound remotely exited. I ran my hand over my right trouser pocket making sure I had my scalpel on me. I wanted to be prepared this time, not caught off guard as easily as the last time.