Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  We were nearly caught up and off the beach, when from out of the marsh lumbered a host of horrific creatures. Each had the face of a dog, yet with a head narrow and scaled like a crocodile’s, while the fanged walrus-like tusks protruding from their jaws gave us an indication of their intentions for us—lunch. “It’s a herd of bunyips,” Hedley exclaimed. “A fine time for their not so random repopulating of this land! Come on, you people, let’s get away from the marsh!” He pointed away, at a route straight toward the bushland of the Worimi. Lovely had just set him down, and Hedley ran away from the bunyips. I felt a strange vibration in the ground. Lovely felt the same thing and put an arm out in front of the Queen, who stopped in her tracks.

  “Wait,” I called to Hedley, noticing the bunyips had not advanced on us to attack. Their job seemed to be to herd us in the direction Hedley had run. “Come back,” I yelled. “It’s a—” The sand erupted from beneath the Master of Master’s feet, throwing him high in the air. Rising up from its hiding place was a titanic sand crab, easily the size of a great whale, its massive claws homed in on the Teacher of Teachers. “It is time to take my leave,” he called as he fell toward certain doom. “See you soon, Sirius Sinister.”

  I winced as one claw closed around Hedley’s midsection and squeezed, but the Sage of Sages had simply disappeared into thin air. The crab snapped again and again at the nothing between its claws, its small crustacean brain trying to comprehend where Hedley Edrick had disappeared to. “Demon tricks will get you every time,” I said to the crab. “Garlic, get us out of here before old crabby sets its beady little eyes on us.”

  As Garlic bounded forward and opened her mouth to bark us to freedom, great nets flew from the merfolk’s war machines and trussed her up like a fly caught in a spider’s web. She gnawed on a strand of what looked to be seaweed covering her mouth, but even her strong fangs could not sever it. A whimper of frustration came from her throat. I jumped to her aid and found myself similarly bound by the strange unyielding seaweed netting, as was Lovely. On came the bunyips, gnashing their fangs hungrily. Then the crab’s eyes found captive prey, and it scuttled forward, clicking its claws happily at the thought of a meal that would not and could not disappear into thin air. I looked for the Queen and saw her standing unbound and unharmed, holding Maria, and without the slightest bit of fear in her eyes. She stared angrily at a figure striding up the beach, accompanied by a host of trident-bearing soldiers. He was blond and leanly muscled in the way of his people, but his eyes were the color of the sea on a stormy day, gray and dangerous, and by the cruel set of his jaw, there was no mistaking that this was the Royal Consort, Baron Orcinus. I hated him already.

  The bunyips and the crab had stopped their advances, and it may have been my imagination, but the monstrous creatures were seemingly bowing down and paying homage as Orcinus approached his captives. He held out a hand, and the mermen accompanying him stopped and made their way back to the water’s edge. Orcinus wanted to be alone with us. He made a beeline for the Queen and Maria, stopping to kick Lovely in the midsection. Lovely gave him no reaction other than a glare.

  Orcinus bowed low to the Queen, but there was no respect in his eyes, only deceit. “Are you and your child unharmed, my Queen?” he asked. His voice was as low and deep as the tides, and just as cold and unyielding. He glared angrily at Lovely and me. “Thankfully my men and I got here just in time to save you from the clutches of the traitorous Son of the Beast and this wretched land dweller.”

  “Is that your story?” snapped the Queen. “Release these men,” she commanded. “They are allies not enemies.”

  “Oh, my Queen, if only I could,” Orcinus oozed. “Clearly you must have struck your royal head on a rock in this accursed land or been assaulted by these monsters. I am sorry to inform you that there has been great treachery in your ranks! Your royal guard has turned against you and our kingdom, led by this abomination that is bound and trussed at your feet—the Son of the Beast!”

  The Queen’s eyes closed to angry slits and looked to Lovely. “He is no abomination. That is an apt description for you, Orcinus!”

  Orcinus kept his distance from the Queen but kicked Lovely in the midsection again. “My heartfelt apologies, your highness,” he said. “I thought he was about to lunge for you and your blessed child. Allow me with the greatest humility to report what my spies have found out about that foul creature. Every day I saw the Son of the Beast getting bigger and bigger and taking on more and more the likeness of his father, and I knew that he would be a threat to your throne and to your life. And sure enough I discovered a plot against your life, with this creature and your royal guard at the very heart of it!”

  The Queen glared at Orcinus. “And you expect the high council to believe this wild tale of fancy?”

  “Actually,” Orcinus said with a satisfied grin, “they already have followed my wise leadership and voted that the royal guard be sent to the Atacama as punishment for their treason.”

  “You should be sent there!” Lovely said, straining at his bonds with all his might. “You are the traitor!”

  “Is that so, Son of the Beast?” Orcinus said, punching Lovely full in the face and seeming to get great satisfaction at the trickle of blood he drew. “What was it like growing up and hearing all of those whispers? You know what I am talking about, right? Even your nursemaids probably said it—Why are you even still alive? Why weren’t you simply killed? Your beast of a father raped one of our own. Took her savagely like the foul land animal he was to his very core. You are an insult to our people. You are not half of the ocean, for the dirty land in your soul has corrupted you! You should have died at birth. And now I am going to make you wish that you had.”

  Lovely’s face grew crimson as he strained in utter futility against his bonds. Blood ran from his hands, but I could see in his eyes that Orcinus’s words cut deeper than what held him. “Enough,” I said, even and calm. “What gives you the right to spout such babble? You kill your own people and feed on hate. The races are stronger mixed. United we are strong and make the world a better place. It is you that is the abomination!”

  Orcinus took out a long pearl-handled knife from his belt and stared at it lovingly. “I should cut out your heart right here on this beach and eat it.” He walked over to stand in front of me. “You defiled our Queen. There is no punishment or torture that could ever be meted upon you that would be enough. But rest assured, I have convinced the high council to let me try.”

  “You are crazy,” I said. “Did you learn nothing about tolerance at Hedley Edrick’s school?”

  “That old fool?” Orcinus scoffed. “If only that crab had turned him into the putrid carrion he is. Can all the immortal races really get along? That is more rubbish than those heathens piled about this beach. And, a common whelk has more utility to this planet than the mortals do.”

  “So that is a no,” I said. “Let me out of this net and allow us to settle our differences man to man.” I hoped he would take the bait.

  “Do you think me a fool?” Orcinus spat. He waved his hands around, gesturing to the crab, bunyips, and his army of mermen. “I have a bit of an advantage here, yes?”

  “Actually, yes,” I said. “I do think you a fool. And perhaps you should think of changing your name to Baron Arse-cinus!”

  Orcinus flew into a rage. Apparently I had struck a long buried nerve. I had been trying to goad his engorged ego into setting me free so we could fight. I should have been happy now that I was seeing him lose it right there on the beach. But I had misjudged how crazy he was, and it appeared I was going to get up close and personal with his pearl-handled knife.

  But suddenly the Queen and Maria were in his path. “You will not harm them,” the Queen commanded. “They have committed no crime.” Orcinus looked to the beach and the hundreds of eyes watching him. He knew he could not challenge his Queen in front of them, or lay even a finger on her. The rage slowl
y seeped from his face.

  “Arse-cinus,” Maria cooed innocently, fluttering her eyes at Orcinus.

  “Baby’s first words,” I mused. I concentrated on sending thoughts to my young daughter to behave, and that I was very proud of her. Maria giggled happily, and I knew she had gotten my message.

  Orcinus looked from the Queen to Maria and back to me. “Committed no crime?” he said recovering his composure. “Oh no, Your Majesty, but they have, and even you have to let the high council listen to the evidence and render a verdict, and of course, a punishment.”

  “You have nothing, Orcinus,” the Queen said. “Nothing at all.”

  “Is that what you think, Your Highness?” he queried. “I am fairly certain the evidence will go against this land scum. And maybe, just maybe, the high council has already decided on the punishment—death by Leviathan!”

  “Levi-what?” I said, noticing the Queen’s face had grown quite ashen. And Maria suddenly began to cry.

  Orcinus bent forward so his face was mere inches from my own. “Allow me to explain, vampire,” he said. “If it wasn’t going to actually happen to you, then as a master assassin, I really think you would appreciate it. Death by Leviathan involves placing separate pieces of the same netting that is keeping you trapped, around your head, both arms, and both legs. Then the other strands are attached to several of the great whales who, at my command, each swim as fast as they can in different directions. It will only hurt for a moment, as you will quickly and literally be torn apart. But don’t worry, the sharks and bottom-feeders will fast dispose of your remnants. All life sprang from the ocean long ago, even your kind, and now the ocean shall take you back for good.”

  I gave him no reaction, and the clearly disappointed Orcinus turned his head to Lovely, who also remained impassive. He gave Lovely another boot to the ribs. The Queen took this opportunity to give me a look. She had something planned and wanted me to be ready. I tensed my muscles ever so slightly and saw Garlic do the same. “I guess you have won, baron,” the Queen said. “Call up your men, haul these prisoners before the high council, and let’s be done with it.”

  “Sorry, my Queen,” Orcinus said, placing a hand on her shoulder, stroking it gently while glaring at me. “There was no other way. You had to be mine. You will grow to trust my council and to love me as I love our people. And don’t worry, because I will treat Maria as my own.” Maria flashed her fangs at him angrily. Good luck with that, I thought. Easy now, Maria, easy. The Queen shushed Maria, and I could see the Queen eyeing the bunyips lumbering back to the marsh. The crab sidled toward the ocean, and the soldiers parted to let it pass.

  “You appear to have thought of everything and figured out my every move,” the Queen said. “Well done, Orcinus. Well done.” Orcinus nodded and smiled, clearly quite pleased, and he winked at her and gave a mock bow. “But,” the Queen said, “you did forget one thing.”

  “Really?” Orcinus retorted, as if what she had said was the most preposterous thing he had ever heard. “What is that?”

  “That I can do this!” she said, dropping to the sand and touching my net, which dissolved into seawater at her fingertips.

  My fist exploded into Orcinus’s chin, and his eyes rolled back in his head as he stumbled once, then fell backward into the sand. The Queen moved quickly to Garlic and touched her net, which flowed into the sand. Garlic shook the sand from her fur and let forth an earsplitting howl. Maria did not cover her ears at the shrill sound but merely giggled happily.

  “Now, Garlic,” I yelled, eyeing Orcinus’s soldiers who were milling about stunned at what had happened. “Get us out of here!”

  The Queen moved toward Lovely, who shook his head at her. “No,” he said. “I am not going to cheat my destiny. Leave me, Your Highness, to the high council’s fate. I am but a monster and should die.”

  “Death by Leviathan is not your destiny,” I said. “Make your own destiny.”

  “But I am the son of a monster,” he said, pulling back as the Queen reached for his bonds.

  “Your father is no monster,” I told him while the Queen touched the netting and the water poured off of him. “And it is about damn time you knew that!”

  Garlic let out a sharp bark, and before us, in the sand, a wormhole appeared. I reached for the Queen’s arm, but she pulled away from me. “You know I am not going with you,” she said. “I cannot abandon my people—not now. There is a war to stop, and I am the only one that can stop it!”

  “But what of Orcinus? The high council?”

  The soldiers had recovered and began charging up the beach as Orcinus sat up, shaking the cobwebs from his head. I could see the bunyips lumbering back toward us, and the carapace of the crab breaking the water. Its legs and claws soon followed. “You have to go,” the Queen said. “I will deal with Orcinus and the high council.”

  I leaned forward and kissed Maria softly on the cheek and then found the Queen’s perfect lips one final time. She kissed me back at first, then suddenly pulled away. “I am your wife no longer, Sirius Sinister,” she said. “Go now, for good!”

  “Very well,” I said, wincing. “If that is how it has to be.”

  “Make your own destiny, Sirius Sinister.”

  I slumped in defeat, my heart aching ever so much. “I know nothing else. Send our daughter to Hedley Edrick when it is time, and I will look after her.”

  I held the Queen’s gaze for the briefest of moments. There were no tears from her this time around. She was truly done with me. I grabbed Lovely from the sand and pulled him toward the wormhole. He broke free of my grasp and drove a meaty elbow into Orcinus’s face, then grabbed him by the back of the head and flung him face first into the sand. “I will see you again, Orcinus,” Lovely said coldly. “So says the Son of the Beast.”

  “Come on,” I pleaded, seeing that the bunyips and soldiers were mere seconds away from us. “If I don’t get you out of here, Mary Grace will never speak to me again!” That got Lovely moving, and he, Garlic, and I passed through the wormhole into nothingness, and the only sound I heard was a small little voice in my head—Love you, Daddy, see you soon.

  Chapter 4

  I realized as I fell through the nothingness of the wormhole that it was a feeling I would never get used to. I could not tell if I was traveling up, down, or sideways. We landed in a heap of rotting refuse that was littered with half-frozen rat feces, stinking animal carcasses, and crawling cockroaches that had burrowed in against the chill of a London winter. I shook a particularly large one off of my hand and saw that we were in the exact location of the barn in London where I had found Garlic over a century ago. But things had changed in this part of town since our last visit. The barn was no longer there, thanks to the Great Fire of 1666. Instead, we were in a dark alley lined with garbage and assorted filth that was absolutely assaulting my nostrils. Londoners could certainly have used a midden, or ten, to consolidate their mess.

  I pulled my cloak around me to ward off the cold. I exhaled, seeing my breath and the falling snow, which did nothing to improve the view. Great tenements rose to each side, and the collective wails of the hungry, sick, dying, and just plain miserable, found our ears. Garlic snarled and shook herself sending a host of maggots skyward. Lovely did not seem bothered by the cold despite his absence of any real clothes. Was he heated by his anger, or was the blood of his father boiling within?

  A young woman came running out of doorway, pursued by six of the most lecherous padfeet I had ever laid eyes on. They were the vilest scum of the London crime scene and would slit the throat of any whose path they crossed, even if just for a spare shilling. She was clearly a local, since no one in this part of London could be otherwise and still be alive. She was probably a pickpocket, thief, harlot, or all three, doing whatever she had to do to survive. She clutched her night’s work to her tightly, and my guess was that the pouch of gold she had in her hands belonged to one
of the padfeet. But simply taking her money was clearly not all they had in mind. She saw Lovely’s hulking shadow blocking the exit to the alleyway, and went the other way in panic, stopping short at the dead-end brick wall and scraping her fingertips until they bled, trying to climb to safety. One padfoot reached her, tearing her blouse down and squeezing her bare breast roughly before throwing her toward his comrades with a cruel laugh. He stopped laughing only when Lovely tore his arm off and beat him to death with it.

  “Let her go,” he commanded the others, dropping the arm to the ground in front of him. The padfeet looked at his rippling muscles, then laughed out loud at his loincloth and belt of shells. They appeared numb to the brutal death of their companion, as if all that mattered to these wolves of the street was that they were well armed, and the numbers were on their side.

  “I would do as he says,” I called to them, sword in hand. Garlic stood next to me, a snarling mass of rage, eager to taste the blood of these lowlifes.

  “I am not thinking that is going to happen, but thank you very much for the suggestion,” the leader of the padfeet said as five more men came out the same door and joined them. “One mangy looking Spaniard and his little prissy white dog are not going to change the odds against you, big man.”

  “Last chance,” Lovely said, clenching his fist. “Leave the girl, walk away, and I will let you live.”

  The padfoot leader picked a flea from his scraggly beard and ate it. “Hmm,” he said. “The answer is still no. He was not ready for you, and I shall take his gold for that mistake, and we are going to show you what we do to those that come into our home uninvited.” The padfoot pulled out a wicked-looking knife from his belt. “Hold the hussy up,” he said to the others, pricking her breast with the knife and licking off the trickle of blood with a foul grunt.

  He turned and leered at Lovely. “What are you going to do now, you stupid naked beast?” he hissed.