Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  “Hey, the Queen was not a poor choice!”

  “True, but you divorced her to get your dog back,” Hedley said, looking immediately to Garlic, who bared her fangs at him. “No offense, my cuddly canine. But who does that?”

  “Fine,” I said, rising to my feet and feeling in my pockets for some gold. “You know what? You and Justice are definitely related. How much?”

  “A low blow, my vociferous vampire.” Hedley smirked. “But tuition is more than what you can carry in your pockets.”

  “Well, I am not emptying my vault for you,” I said. “I am doing you a favor by helping you to save the world, remember? Let’s work something out.”

  “What do you have in mind?”

  I smiled from ear to ear. “Put me on staff to torture dear Martin, and let me make an example of him, so that when my daughters show up, none of these phallus-grabbing whelps try anything with them.”

  “That is actually not a bad idea,” Hedley said. “Not so bad at all.”

  “Really?” I was elated by the thought of smashing Martin’s pretty little face into a wall, or maybe a very extended lesson in hand-to-hand combat would suffice.

  “Yes, really,” Hedley said. “I’ll put you on staff as one of my instructors.”

  “Excellent, I accept your offer,” I said, excited. “I’ve learned so much from Knowledge that I can teach just about anything! But now, what subject do I want to teach?”

  “Oh, I think I have the perfect subject for you,” Hedley replied. “Have you ever been stabbed?”

  “Yes, why?”

  Hedley sighed. “Just answer the questions for now, all right?”

  “Fine,” I said. “Do go on.”

  “Shot?”

  “Yes.”

  “Poisoned?”

  “Yes.”

  “Imprisoned?”

  “You freed me,” I said, irritated. “You know I was.”

  “Got to be thorough,” Hedley said with a grin. “Cursed?”

  “Yes.”

  “Attacked by pirates, padfeet, goblins, demons, sharks, chimeras, bunyips, faeries, and the Hound of Hell?”

  “You mean Cerberus,” I said. “Yes, I have faced all of those. And how is it that Cerberus is guarding some wine in the House of Indigo?”

  “I am the one asking the questions, my dear Sirius,” Hedley said. “And you have navigated your way through Hell—”

  “Twice.”

  Hedley shook his head. “Indeed, you are also very well qualified to give advice on why not to get married and how not to get divorced.”

  “Those are valuable life skills,” I said proudly. “It is not like I am getting married again.”

  “Right,” Hedley said, clearly and for some unknown reason not believing what I had just said. He had nothing to worry about, as I had learned my lesson and would never, ever, ever get looped into matrimony again. “And you might actually get some of our young lads to commit to a life of celibacy, with all of the misadventures you have had.” Hedley finished.

  “Stop right there,” I commanded. “That is just crazy talk.” I pretended to shudder. “Why would anyone do such a thing?”

  Hedley laughed. “You are going to make me rethink my plan,” he said. “But I believe I have it figured out. You will be my new instructor in immortal self-defense.”

  “What happened to the old one?”

  Hedley shook his head. “Sad, actually,” he said. “Poor chap found himself on the wrong side of a particularly angry dragon.”

  “Which side is that?”

  Hedley bowed his head in homage. “The inside.”

  “How can I refuse a job like that?” I said, rising to my feet and finding Garlic by my side. “We have a deal. Do my fellow instructors here at the College of Immortals know about the threat to the Relics and of the Blood of the One, and can they be trusted?”

  Hedley thought for a moment. “As much as anyone, I suppose,” he said. “I assembled them for their unique skills as teachers, and ironically, those same skills may prove useful in trying to protect the Relics. As for the Blood of the One, Justice and I have been waging a fierce propaganda campaign in the immortal community to consign it to being just so much rumor and idle conjecture. But the truth is, I do not know how much the faculty knows, so don’t mention a thing about the Blood of the One.”

  “Will do,” I said. “I’m glad you saw fit to trust me with the information about the Blood of the One. I will not let you down.”

  “I also think that the group of men assembled in the House of Indigo wine cellar may become integral to us succeeding or failing in our mission to save the world,” Hedley said.

  “So, Master of Masters,” I replied. “When do I start my duties?”

  “Tomorrow,” Hedley replied, coming around the desk to escort me out of his office. “But first there is something I need you to see.” I pressed him on what it was, but he merely shook his head and muttered something about reminding himself to buy some more goat sausage at the market. We walked back down the strange blue steel hallway and waited for a moment as Norville did his little dance, then we passed back to Hedley’s other office.

  “Hello, Father,” a familiar voice called, causing me to scream with utter joy and run to Contessa’s warm embrace.

  Chapter 7

  I could not believe my eyes for Contessa was a full-fledged adult. While I had traveled to the netherworld and rescued Garlic, gotten waylaid in the Himalayas, taken on the entire merfolk army, and committed to getting as much of Knowledge as I could in Florence, Contessa had undertaken an entirely different journey. She was now nearly my height, with long, flowing dark hair, and in her warm brown eyes, there was a wisdom that belied her years. She was dressed in the battle leathers of her werewolf kind, and indeed had her mother’s muscle structure, but combined with my side’s agility and dexterity, Contessa moved like a jaguar and, judging by the brace of daggers she wore on each hip, was probably just as deadly. Maybe my concerns about the young men at the College of Immortals were unfounded? Then Contessa smiled that dazzling smile of hers, and my jaw stiffened, and my fangs began to creep over my lip. Nope, my first lesson was going to be in hand-to-hand combat, and one of these lecherous louts would become the example for the others.

  But my mood was instantly lightened when I saw that Garlic was equally happy to see Contessa, bouncing on her hind legs happily and putting her front paws up on Contessa’s knee. “I missed you, too, Garlic,” Contessa said. “I am sure you have been on many an adventure with Father, haven’t you?”

  Garlic yelped loudly, and her soulful black eyes met mine. For the umpteenth time, I was happy she could not speak. “When did you arrive in Oxford?” I asked Contessa, wondering where her sisters were.

  “Just a short while ago,” Contessa answered. “I left my trunks and came straight to Master Edrick’s office, hoping I would see you.” She hugged me again. “I have missed you so much, Father, though Granddaddy taught me well in your absence.”

  I felt a twinge of guilt. “Honestly, honey,” I said, “I did not expect to be gone so long. It has been quite an adventure. Sometimes I thought I would never make it here, or see you or your sisters again. Are all of you here?”

  Contessa flushed slightly. “We are,” she said. “Adelaide and Beatrice just couldn’t leave their baggage unattended. They wanted to get their trunks to their quarters.”

  “And just where are you staying?” I asked, wondering where Hedley was storing all these young immortals without attracting a little unwanted mortal attention.

  “Now, now, you overprotective father,” Hedley said with a knowing smile, “just off the main hallway from the center lounge area lie the student accommodations. Very safe. Very quiet. And yes, my dear vampire, very supervised.”

  Just then the door to Hedley’s office sprang open, and there in t
he doorway stood Adelaide and Beatrice. “Hello, Father,” Adelaide said, scooping up a running Garlic and tossing her to Beatrice. The girls had sandy-brown hair that ran past their shoulders. They stood several inches shorter than Contessa and were not nearly as well muscled, but had the unbridled speed and the dark eyes of my family. They were equally as beautiful as Contessa, but their smiles were more reserved and their hugs less warm. They were still guarded with me after all these years, and their hands rested unconsciously on the short swords on their narrow waists.

  “It is good to see you, Father,” Beatrice echoed, standing awkwardly to the side.

  “And it is great to see you, too, ladies,” I said. “But there is one of you missing.”

  I could see the girls exchange glances, each trying to encourage the other to speak. “So,” I said, breaking the painful silence, “where is Mary Grace?”

  “She went to her quarters,” Adelaide said, nodding to the others.

  “Why is she not with you?” I postulated. “Surely, she wishes to come pay her respects to her dear father, does she not?”

  Contessa grimaced. “Father!” she protested. “It is Mary Grace. Mary Grace does what Mary Grace wants to do, and I guess she doesn’t want to see you . . . disrespectful runt. You know, I really wonder where her head is sometimes, don’t you? And, her heart, well . . .” Unfortunately, I had a hard time disagreeing with Contessa.

  “She went to check on a horse,” Beatrice blurted out.

  “Beatrice!” Contessa and Adelaide shrieked together.

  “A horse,” I repeated.

  “Yep,” said a voice from the door. “And I found a nice one.”

  We all whirled around to see Mary Grace standing at the door, hand on one hip, eyes rolling expertly toward the ceiling. She was all sound and fury like her maternal grandfather, and her attitude apparently was equally as poor. She wore a tight leather bustier that exposed more cleavage than was remotely ladylike, and her breeches could only have been more revealing had she painted them on. A bullwhip adorned one saucy hip and a pistol the other. She was built like a circus acrobat, and did not care who saw her show. “Nice to finally see you again, Pops,” she sneered. “I heard you messed it up with the Queen, is that right?”

  “Mary Grace!” Contessa yelled, balling up her fists and striding toward her sister. “I am finally going to teach you some respect.”

  “Bring it on, you silver-tongued ass kisser,” Mary Grace replied, dropping into a defensive crouch. “You are only nice to people if you want something from them. And that includes Pops.”

  My eyes had narrowed to slits, and for a split second, I was conscious of my fangs in my mouth. But with my age—so callously noted by Martin—had come composure, and with fatherhood came responsibility. Contessa did want something from me. She wanted me to be her father. Mary Grace, though an adult, was very much an angry child, and this time I chose to save this angry child from the beating Contessa was about to administer. “Ladies,” I said, my voice louder, stronger, and deeper than I had ever heard it. “You will mind your manners! You are in the presence of the Master of Masters, the Teacher of Teachers, and you will show him and me proper decorum. Are you trying to get expelled from the College of Immortals on your very first day?”

  “Sorry, Father,” Contessa whispered. Did she also say “runt” ever so quietly under her breath?

  Mary Grace stared into my eyes for a moment and, seeing the strength within exceeded her own, bowed her head. “Sorry, Father,” she said. “I did not mean to be rude.” She stared daggers at Contessa, confirming what I had heard. Women could not let something go!

  “Well done, Sirius,” Hedley said. “And well done, daughters of the Master Assassin. There are many lessons to be learned here that cannot be learned on a battlefield, in a sparring ring, or even in a book.” He reached to pick up Garlic who was at his feet, and smiled at Mary Grace. “You will earn that grace in your name, my fiery little werepire.” He turned to Contessa. “Loyalty and love like yours are uncommon, my dear Contessa,” he said with a grin. “But do not jump so quickly into an argument to defend one side without first considering the merits of the combatants and all the reasons for the quarrel. To wit, don’t always take the opportunity to be an ass kisser, because sometimes a quarrel is not a quarrel, yes?”

  “Yes, Master Edrick,” the girls chorused. I found myself assenting as well. Parenting had many lessons. “Now, off with you to your quarters,” Hedley continued. “I need to introduce your father to the rest of the faculty.”

  “You mean he is not going to be a student with us?” Contessa asked, clearly disappointed.

  “No, he will be teaching classes and going on certain field studies,” Hedley said. “Your father’s main function here at the College of Immortals is to be our new instructor in immortal self-defense. He is eminently qualified. And remember this fact, my fair ladies, here at the College of Immortals, there are no free rides. Everyone pays their own way. You pay in Blackheart gold—others in more unconventional arrangements.”

  “How nice is that—Father is going to be one of our instructors,” Contessa stated as Beatrice and Adelaide nodded in agreement.

  “Just perfect,” Mary Grace grumbled, heading for the door with her sisters trailing. I was greatly heartened that Adelaide and Beatrice gave me big warm smiles as they left. As I watched the girls walk out of Hedley’s office, I was excited that I would be seeing them on a regular basis. Really, I had never had the chance to get to know them, and now they were such strong young women. But I did have some work to do. First off, I had to repair the damage in Mary Grace’s heart. I could feel the angst radiating from her soul. But then, what Hedley had said struck me as odd. “You said everyone pays their own way,” I said. “That there are no free rides?”

  “Yes,” Hedley replied. “I did.”

  “But what of Maria?” I said. “You said she will be on scholarship.”

  Hedley waved a hand, dismissing me. “Like anyone would believe that the daughter of the Queen of the merfolk can’t pay her own way. Now that is funny.”

  “So, why then is she on scholarship?” I asked.

  “Not important,” Hedley said.

  “But I am her father.” I huffed. “Surely, I deserve to know, and I am faculty to boot, yes?”

  “No,” Hedley said. “Did you forget that whole need to know thing already?”

  “Of course not, but that bit of information has to do with my child,” I said.

  “Yes, it does,” Hedley said. “And, do you want to explain to me, with all of your new knowledge, why that makes a difference?”

  “You are insufferable, Hedley,” I said, giving up. I could see he was indeed a vault. “When will Maria be here? Knowledge said she would be here eventually.”

  “Right,” Hedley agreed. “She needs to be a little bit older. Nothing to worry about. No danger. Just a little delay. So . . . really, nothing to worry about at all.”

  My experience was that when someone told me not to worry about something, it was at that exact time that I should begin worrying. I reached out into the cosmos and tried to sense Maria, but felt nothing. She was either a great distance away or had a whole lot more control over her gifts than the last time I saw her. Maria was all golden curls and baby fat when I saw her last. I wondered how old Hedley wanted her to be.

  “If anything has happened to her . . .” I started, fixing my best threatening gaze on Hedley.

  “You worry too much,” Hedley replied. “You should worry about getting your first lesson prepared. But first my faculty and I have our weekly meeting, and I am sure they will all be very eager to meet you. To the faculty lounge we go. Remember now and in the future, say nothing about what we have discussed in private to the faculty, just in case.”

  “Lead the way,” I said, following Hedley out of his office. Garlic barked a good-bye to Norville, who bus
ied himself with making another pile of dung in the corner. Norville finished his business, and rose to stand on his back legs, winking at us as he walked over to a spare set of Hedley’s slippers, settling in for a well-deserved nap. I pulled the door shut behind me to the sound of the snoring rat, and followed Hedley down the hall. We seemed to walk a distance that did not match the size of the building I had entered from the outside. I commented on this to Hedley, who simply muttered something about “stretching the laws of physics now and again.” Students passed us singly and in groups, all paying homage to the Master of Masters, and many of the girls looked me over with a variety of glances ranging from curiosity to barely contained lust. What was it about maturity and confidence that attracted young girls to older men like bees to flowers? Perhaps I was going to have to send a message to my fellow male faculty members that my ladies were off-limits.

  Every so often the golden pin that was attached to my cloak glowed as we passed a laboratory or lecture hall, and I tugged on Hedley’s sleeve to ask him why the pin was doing that.

  “The pins take new students to where they need to be,” he answered. “I got tired of them being late for classes, because some find the college to be a bit of a maze.” Just then, I heard wings beating the air, followed by the pounding of hooves. My hand went to my sword, and a low growl came from Garlic’s throat. Surely, that was not what I thought it was? Had Hedley imported a hippogriff from ancient Greece for some nefarious lesson?

  Hedley laughed as one side of the hallway simply ceased to be there, and we passed a great stable that was open to the English countryside with verdant green fields stretching as far as the eye could see. “No danger here,” he said. “Just a few otherworldly beasties, of course, but there is no danger.” I somehow didn’t believe the Master of Masters.

  We passed the stable entrance, and Garlic gave one final bark in challenge to whatever strange creatures inhabited the stalls. She chose to ignore the bellowing and gnashing of teeth that came in answer. A few minutes and several twists and turns later, we came up to a circular stone door set inside an arch of pure gold. On either side of the door sat a statue carved from obsidian of a massive black dog sitting on a stack of books. As we approached, the statues moved to block the path to the door, their eyes glowing like red rubies containing an Underworld fire, and their huge claws glinted as they padded silently to and fro. Strings of great green drool dropped from their jaws onto a blue carpet in front of the door, which, judging by the faint hiss I heard, I wagered was woven from the same blue steel in the vault.