Now That's Funny!: Jokes and Stories from the Man Who Keeps America Laughing

by Andy Simmons

The lie: “My campaign is not based on a foundation of lies,” he insisted.

  The truth: “It’s just that the information I provided to the people is false.”

  The honest-to-God truth: The revelations are “really going to hurt my career.”

  Were there any suckers? Yes, 117 of them. That’s how many people voted for Womack, landing him in fourth place out of five candidates.

  Pork, the Other Banned Substance

  Clenbuterol is a drug used by farmers to keep their animals from getting too chubby. Because athletes don’t want to waddle across the finish line, some are tempted to try it, even though the International Olympic Committee has banned its use. But when Tong Wen, China’s Olympic judo champion, tested positive for clenbuterol in 2010 after an event, her coach had an explanation for how it ended up in Tong’s system.

  The lie: She ate “a lot of pork chops,” the coach told the BBC. And that pork was tainted by clenbuterol.

  Were there any suckers? Olympic officials are famously vigilant. In 1998, when track star Dennis Mitchell made the claim that lots of sex and beer were responsible for his high levels of testosterone, the International Association of Athletics Federations banned him from racing for two years. But Tong’s blame-the-pig defense panned out, sort of. She was cleared by the Court of Arbitration for Sport because of a technicality: She wasn’t present when a backup urine sample was tested. The International Judo Federation blasted the ruling, insisting it would have “a very negative influence” on the sports world.

  A Crash Course in Lying

  When Jayson Williams’s Mercedes-Benz SUV crashed in Manhattan, officers found the former basketball star sitting in the passenger seat. When asked by police who’d caused the crash, Williams deflected all blame.

  The lie: It wasn’t me, he insisted. “Someone else was driving.”

  Were there any suckers? The fact that witnesses had seen Williams behind the wheel, not to mention the absence of anyone else in the car, led authorities to conclude that he’d switched seats. And yes, alcohol was involved.

  Is It a Dat or a Cog?

  Landlord Barry Maher has a strict rule against dogs in his Santa Barbara, California, building. Cats? Fine. Dogs? Nope. So when neighbors complained about a barking dog, Maher called the tenant.

  The lie: “Oh, I would never have a dog,” she told him.

  The bigger lie: “What I have is a special breed of cat.”

  The whopper: “It’s a dog-cat. A mix of a dog and a cat.”

  Were there any suckers? Almost. “It was so crazy that I actually wondered, Is there really such a thing as a dog-cat?” Maher told realestate.msn.com. There isn’t. So tenant and dog-cat were evicted.

  Plane Stupid

  Sergei Berejnoi raced through Denver International Airport trying to catch his SkyWest Airlines flight. Unfortunately, he arrived just after the plane had left the gate with his luggage onboard. With his pleas to bring back the plane falling on deaf ears, he offered the gate agent a not-so-subtle reason for doing as he said.

  The lie: “There’s a bomb in my suitcase.”

  Were there any suckers? The aircraft was checked for explosives. When none were found, Berejnoi took a trip of another sort, to the police station. He received six months probation.

  Just Desserts

  Two years ago, an Iowa bar was cited for serving alcohol to a minor; specifically, a minor was served a vodka-infused Jell-O shot.

  The lie: Jell-O shots are not alcoholic beverages, the bar owners insisted. Once they become gelatinous globs, the shots are a dessert.

  Were there any suckers? In her ruling, the judge—an apparent Jello-O-phile—opined: “While there might be some debate as to whether Jell-O is a food item or a beverage, the Jell-O shots served by the licensee were alcoholic beverages.” In other words, the dessert has one thing in common with booze—it’ll get you blotto.

  Calling Dr. Frankenstein!

  While innovation is what got us through the Dark Ages, polio, and Celine Dion, some scientists and inventors have stumbled in their efforts to move us forward.

  Indeed, when I consider the great scientists, I think of such Nobel laureates as Curie, Einstein, Whitcome…What? You’ve never heard of Katherine K. Whitcome? You mean you missed the paper by the University of Cincinnati assistant professor and her colleagues explaining why pregnant women don’t tip over? She, too, is a laureate—an Ig Nobel laureate. The tongue-in-cheek Ig Nobels are presented annually by the Harvard-based magazine Annals of Improbable Research. Far more entertaining than the Oscars and a more pleasurable experience than the Stinkiest Cheese in the World Contest, these honors are bestowed upon those men and women—American and otherwise—who dabble in some very strange science, and they’re the best awards in the world. Here are some of my favorite past winners.

  Public Health Prize

  Elena N. Bodnar, Raphael C. Lee, and Sandra Marijan of Chicago, Illinois, invented a brassiere that, in an emergency, can be converted into a pair of protective face masks—one for the wearer and one to be given to a lucky bystander.

  It appears that in the face of chemical or biological warfare, a woman’s primary job is to doff her clothes. The face-mask bra isn’t some tactic of the porn industry. Instead, it’s intended for anyone who may come in contact with dangerous fumes. Masks, say the inventors, may not be available, but there’s almost always a bra handy. The cups are made of air filters and can be disconnected, then shared. The woman can easily strap it over her nose and mouth “to help purify the inhaled air,” reads the report, “while keeping her hands free,” presumably to fend off unwanted suitors.

  Peace Prize

  Stephan Bolliger, Steffen Ross, Lars Oesterhelweg, Michael Thali, and Beat Kneubuehl of the University of Bern, Switzerland, for determining which hurts more: being smashed over the head with a full bottle of beer or with an empty bottle.

  An inherent problem in an experiment of this nature is finding volunteers who will agree to be brained with a beer bottle in the name of science. The scientists overcame this obstacle by dropping steel balls onto full and empty beer bottles. They found that the empties were sturdier than their full brethren because the gas pressure from the liquid produces additional strain on the glass.

  Needless to say, full or not, beer bottles can cause a whole lot of hurt, which is why the scientists advocate prohibiting them “in situations [that] involve risk of human conflicts.” Of course, if we outlaw beer bottles, only outlaws will drink beer from bottles.

  Medicine Prize

  Donald L. Unger of Thousand Oaks, California, won for investigating a possible cause of arthritis of the fingers, by cracking the knuckles of his left hand—but never the knuckles of his right hand—twice a day for sixty years.

  After being warned by his mother to swear off that demon knuckle cracking, young Donald Unger tested the accuracy of this hypothesis on himself. More than 219,000 cracked knuckles later, the verdict is in: Crack away. Unger could detect no difference between the two hands, and he found no evidence of arthritis. From why you shouldn’t run with scissors to why you should wait an hour after eating before you swim, Unger’s seminal research has thrown everything our mothers told us into question.

  Veterinary Medicine Prize

  Catherine Douglas and Peter Rowlinson of Newcastle University, United Kingdom, proved that cows that have names give more milk than cows that are nameless.

  Admit it, when was the last time you paid a compliment to a heifer? Or told one, “You’re a thousand roast beef sandwiches wrapped in a gorgeous leather jacket”? It turns out our attitudes make a difference. Being friendly and remembering a cow’s name can increase milk yield by 258 liters a year. This came as no surprise to farmers, one of whom told the researchers that cows “hurt and love like anyone else.”

  Chemistry Prize

  Javier Morales, Miguel Apátiga, and Victor M. Castaño of Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México, for creating diamonds from tequila.

  As if there were
n’t already enough reasons to love tequila! It seems we can spill a little on the bar and make diamonds. Of course, you have to heat it up to 536 degrees Fahrenheit and do a bunch of other stuff to it before you can place it on your main squeeze’s finger. But the first round is on us!

  Biology Prize

  Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu, and Zhang Guanglei of Kitasato University Graduate School of Medical Sciences in Japan, for demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced by more than ninety percent by using an enzyme-producing bacteria extracted from the feces of giant pandas.

  While this has potential applications—reducing garbage and waste—it still raises the question, “How did it dawn on someone to try this experiment?” And, of course, if one of your aims in ridding yourself of garbage is to get rid of the stench, adding poop to it is not likely to help.

  Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You

  Looking for a job? Be sure to proofread your résumé and cover letters.

  Take the stress out of your job search by reading the gaffes of the dolts you’re competing with. I strung some doozies together from resumania.com to create a résumé and cover letter that our HR department will no doubt hang on their secret wall of shame. Here’s the result:

  ANDY SIMMONS

  750 3RD AVE.

  NEW YORK, NY 10017

  Dear Sir or Madman:

  “I am sure you have looked through several résumés with the same information about work experience, education, and references. I am not going to give you any of that stuff.”

  “I would love to interview for the position of [insert job title here]. If you grant me an interview for [insert job title here], I feel confident you’ll see why I’m the right person for the job.” “My mother delivered me without anesthesia, so I have an IQ of 146 and can therefore learn anything.”

  “I enjoy working closely with customers, and my pleasant demeanor helps them feel comfortable and relaxed—not afraid.” “I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment.” But “I have integrity, so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”

  “Please don’t regard my fourteen positions as ‘job-hopping.’ I never once quit a job.” “They stopped paying me.” “In my next life, I will be a professional backup dancer or a rabbi,” but for now, “I am attacking my résumé for you to review.” “I realize that my résumé is no longer exemplary thanks to my family destroying the computer file.” Nevertheless, “here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

  “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”

  Sincerely,

  Andy Simmons

  ANDY SIMMONS

  750 3rd Ave., New York, NY 10017

  dolt@readersdigest.nitwit

  OBJECTIVE

  “Assertive, self-motivated, and goal-oriented individual seeks a position that utilizes my computer training and experience and/or bartending skills.”

  EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

  Last job: “Restaurant manager. Cleaned and supervised employees.”

  Job before that: “CFO for a wholesaler of women’s slacks. We also sold men’s bottoms.”

  And job before that: “I worked in the store’s men’s department, stalking shirts and pants.”

  And before that: “Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.”

  First job: “Administrative professional. I coordinated meetings, made travel arrangements, and assisted security staff with badgering.”

  REFERENCES

  * “Scott.”

  * “My girlfriend.”

  * “None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

  SKILLS

  * “Speak English and Spinach.”

  * “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”

  * “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”

  * “The ability to use short bursts of muscle force to propel myself—as in jumping or sprinting or throwing an object.”

  * “Able to whistle while pretending to drink water at the same time.”

  INTERESTS

  * “Gossiping.”

  * “Michael Bolton.”

  EDUCATION

  “Moron University”

  “Attended collage courses.”

  Academic Achievement: “Received the Smith Schlorship Award.”

  So Sue Me!

  WARNING!!! Reading this book may cause paper cuts. Opening this book and pressing it hard against the mouth and nose can cause suffocation. Because of this book’s diminutive size, you might be tempted to swallow it. Do not! You could choke on the covers!

  Sorry about the above statement, but our legal department insisted on it. You can’t be too safe. After all, while Americans hate lawyers, we love lawsuits—especially the crazy ones.

  Take the case of the Lodi, California, city employee who accidentally drove a dump truck into Curtis Gokey’s parked truck. Gokey sued the city, even though he was the Lodi, California, city employee driving the dump truck.

  For some injured parties, no law need even be broken before they wield the lawyer card. In Jurupa, California, a retired Navy Reserve captain threatened to sue her colleagues on the school board if they didn’t address her by her military title. And a while back, a father took his son’s Little League coach to court over a losing season.

  Any chance we’ll all wake up one morning and decide to settle our differences over a nice cup of tea instead of going all lawsuity? Doubtful. Litigation is big business, costing American citizens and corporations $247 billion in 2006, or 1.87 percent of the gross domestic product. Don’t believe us? Talk to our lawyer.

  Protect Me From Myself

  The two prisoners waited to make their move until the guards left wing 4B, the maximum-security section of Colorado’s Pueblo County Jail. Then they slid open their defective cell doors, collected bedsheets and mattress covers from other inmates, and headed to the showers. There they pried off a broken ceiling tile and climbed into a vent, which led them to the roof via a door that was latched from the inside. Once on the roof, the prisoners, Scott Anthony Gomez Jr. and Oscar Mercado, tied the sheets and mattress covers together into a makeshift rope, secured it to a gas pipe, and began to rappel down the northwest side of the jail.

  That’s when the Great Escape of ’07 went to hell in a handbasket. Gomez slipped and fell forty feet, injuring himself. He was rushed to the hospital, and Mercado was caught soon after.

  So how did Gomez while away the hours during his recovery? By filing a lawsuit against the county board of commissioners, sheriff, and guards—for as much as the law would allow—on the grounds that they made it too easy for him to escape. He should know, since this was his second attempt. In his suit, Gomez claimed that the cell doors opened too easily and that guards vacated their posts and ignored information that a jailbreak was nigh. They were practically begging him to break out, he insisted. And who was he to disappoint?

  “The defendants knew or should have known that the jail was not secure,” read his complaint. “Furthermore, defendants knew that the plaintiff had a propensity to escape.”

  Disposition: Gomez couldn’t escape the fact that he didn’t have a case, which the judge tossed out in 2008.

  Justice Desserts

  Prison, it turns out, is a great place to learn about tort law. Three inmates from the Kane County Jail in Illinois sued the county sheriff and Aramark food services in 2007 for supplying prisoners with subpar food, including soggy cookies and cakes. The two million dollars they sought would buy them a nice drying rack for their desserts.

  Disposition: No Mrs. Fields for these prisoners—the judge dismissed the case.

  Quick, Switch to ER!

  It’s a fact: The squeamish should not watch NBC’s reality show Fear Factor. With contestants eating worms and sitting in rat-filled tanks, it’s best for the faint of heart to stick with the Watching Paint Dry channel.

  Austin Aitken is one such couch pota
to. According to the Cleveland, Ohio, paralegal, a 2005 episode was so disgusting it literally made him ill. His blood pressure rose, and he grew dizzy, causing him to bang his head against a doorway as he fled the room. A $2.5 million payout from the television network, Aitken figured, would put him on the road to recovery.

  Disposition: A judge assumed that it was for occasions such as these that the remote was invented and threw the case out of court.

  My Problem Is, I Love Too Much

  A county Republican chairman in Florida said his bid to head the state party was sabotaged by a letter falsely accusing him of having been married six times. Jim Stelling claims that the letter, sent to state party leaders implied that he had loose moral standards and therefore was not suitable for the position. So he sued the letter’s author, Nancy Goettman, for defamation. Why? Because he hadn’t been married six times—only five.

  “I believe in family values,” Stelling insisted to the judge.

  Disposition: In 2005, a judge ruled in Stelling’s favor. But probably figuring that once you’ve been married five times, it might as well be six, he nixed awarding Stelling any money.

  A Legal Wedgie

  The customer’s pants must have really been something. After all, he leveled a $67 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner for losing them. Maybe Roy L. Pearson just wanted to flex his legal muscle. You see, he’s not your average pants wearer—he’s also an administrative law judge for the District of Columbia.