Never Turn Back

by Lorna Lee

  §

  Meri waited outside Monsieur Monville’s office. She twisted the hem of her uniform apron. By the time he called her in, the fabric looked as if a small child or animal had been chewing on it.

  “Come in, Meri.” Monsieur Monville swept his arm in an exaggerated gesture of welcome. His smile confined itself to his tight lips.

  Meri marched into his office, her downcast head contradicting her confident stride.

  “Have a seat,” he commanded more than offered, again with an overly animated motion. “I have been meaning to speak with you for some time,” he said as he plunked into his stately leather chair. His rotund midsection seemed too heavy a burden for his legs to bear, so he let himself fall into his lush chair rather than sit. He sits like a woman ready to give birth. Looks like one, too…

  “Monsieur?” Meri let out a poof of air, relieved the ornate, ponderous wooden desk separated them. She noticed beads of sweat forming on his upper lip and around his ample forehead—where, she imagined, hair used to grow but now had retreated.

  “For the last week or so, I have noticed a change in you…in your, shall I say, disposition?” He mopped his forehead with a monogrammed handkerchief.

  Silence.

  Meri began twisting her apron hem again. She could hear the sound of her heart beating in her ears.

  “You seem more content with your work. Am I right?”

  “Oui, Monsieur.” Ka-thud, ka-thud, ka-thud. Her heart beat faster. What is he really asking me?

  “When I see such a, shall I say, drastic change in attitude in an employee, I am curious about why. There are several explanations for such a change—some of them good and some of them, shall I say, not so good. It is my responsibility to find out which is which. For the good of the hotel. You understand?”

  “Oui, Monsieur.” Non, Monsieur, was what she actually thought. Meri didn’t expect this. Siri said nothing about having to explain her attempts at being more positive as a ploy to get a better job or higher wages. What should I tell him?

  “So, Meri, I’m pleased you seem happier in your work, but I am confused about what makes you more content in the last week or so.”

  “I enjoy my work, Monsieur.” Meri focused on her lap, smoothing and twisting her apron hem repeatedly.

  “Meri. Your work has not changed. Or has it? Have you found a way to enjoy your work more by bending some of my rules?”

  “Non, Monsieur!”

  She continued to avoid his face. Ka-thud, ka-thud, ka-thud-thud-thud. Her heart raced. She thought her ears or her heart would burst.

  “Look at me when you are speaking to me!” Monsieur Monville’s voice changed from lilting to piercing.

  Meri jerked her head up.

  “Explain yourself. Are you stealing from our clients? Having an affair with one of the staff? I am no fool. I know all the antics staff will engage in to get what they can from a job they think is not giving them enough.”

  Meri shook her head “no” both in denial of her supervisor’s accusations and because of the incredulity of the situation. Being more pleasant to get a better job and wages is going to get me fired…or, Mon Dieu, arrested! She had to think of something convincing. Quickly.

  “Monsieur Monville. You misunderstand. Or perhaps I’ve been the one to misunderstand.” She paused, her mouth as dry as the dust on her feather duster. Her breathes were as shallow as a dying bird’s.

  “Go on.” He leaned forward, staring into her gray eyes.

  Meri blushed as she continued. “I’ve noticed you smiling at me as you make your rounds. I assumed that you…you…fancied me. I know it’s wrong to get close to my employer, so I tried to ignore your smiles.” Mon Dieu, such a lie! I’ll burn in Hell!

  “Go on.” Monsieur Monville’s voice had returned to lilting. He mopped his upper lip.

  “Ah…recently I decided that I would return your smiles…to see if…if you felt about me the way I…I feel about you.” Hell will not wait for me to die. I’m already there!

  “Meri, my dear, this puts an entirely different perspective on the matter.” He smiled with both his thin lips and his beady eyes, which had a devious look in them.

  Meri shivered. “I don’t want to lose my job. Please don’t fire me for being so bold.”

  “Au contraire, Meri. You are one of the best maids I have under me.” He snickered, his lame attempt at sexual innuendo lost on Meri. “But you know that we have a strict policy against employees consorting with one another.” Drumming his fingers on his desk, Meri wondered, is he thinking about a way around this “strict policy.”

  “I assumed as much.”

  “The maids are too busy and too interested in each other’s business for any ‘special favors’ between you and me…” He winked at her.

  Mon Dieu! What have I done? I’m twenty-one years old and a virgin. I don’t even know what happens between a man and a woman. Siri, some friend you are!

  “Monsieur, I understand—”

  “Call me Claude. But only in private.” He winked. “I think I will promote you from maid to kitchen help. I will speak to the kitchen supervisor, Monsieur Touchet. I believe I can get your schedule changed to work nine hours a day and have every Sunday off. A raise, of course, too, because cooking duties require more skill. How does that sound? Good?”

  Meri nodded. She wanted to ask what she would have to do in return for the promotion. The probable answer frightened her.

  She did not have to ask. “Of course, I will be doing all of this as a personal favor to you, my dear. In the beginning, we must be discrete and keep our distance. I will inform my superiors I discovered your exceptional talents with food preparation after an informal discussion. Will I be lying when I tell them you know your way around a kitchen?”

  Meri shook her head. “Non, Mons…Claude.” She swallowed only air. All her saliva vanished. “I’ve been cooking since I was a little girl in Finland. I love to cook and want to learn everything about French cooking.”

  “Excellent! In a few weeks, after any suspicions about personal favors die down, we can make arrangements to meet after work. Then we can do more than smile at each other. Alas, we must wait. Can you wait?”

  “I can wait.” Meri hoped her gulp was not too obvious.

  §

  Later, at the apartment, Meri had a long talk with Tuula. Meri had sent Elina off on a “spy mission” for some secret (and non-existent) coded message in the neighborhood.

  “You’re the only one I can ask—the only one who knows of these…intimate things.”

  Tuula chopped vegetables as Meri sat at the kitchen table twisting the hem of her dress. “You mean sex, don’t you, Meri? Have you met a man? You’re finally going to let yourself have a little fun! Good.”

  Meri explained the situation in a curt fashion. “Having fun isn’t the same thing as having sex for the first time with my balding, fat supervisor.” Meri watched the knife slice through the carrots and potatoes. The sharp thud the knife made each time it hit the cutting board was aggravating. I feel I’m on the cutting board and the knife is waiting to cut through me! She got up and began pacing, each step matching the thud of the knife.

  “You’re a virgin?” Tuula’s voice was an octave higher than normal.

  “Oui. And this horrible man who could fire me is going to use me as his mistress. Are you going to judge me or help me?” Meri was on the verge of tears, an unusual place for her to be.

  “I’m so sorry. The first time should be with someone nice because you never forget your first.” Tuula had a far-away look in her eyes although she was still chopping vegetables. Not a good combination, Meri thought.

  “What can you tell me? I know nothing about what men and women do together.” Meri walked into the small kitchen and took over the chopping. Her frustration proved useful in this task.

  Tuula handed the knife over to Meri in uncharacteristic acquiesce.

  “Nothing? Didn’t your mother explain anything about sex to you?
Or didn’t you notice when your parents were together?”

  Meri shook her head and kept chopping. The vegetables would be dust particles soon.

  Tuula reached over and took the knife away. “Okay let’s talk, not chop…and fast, before Elina comes back from wherever you sent her.” They sat opposite each other at the round kitchen table. “Here are the basics. The man’s popol has to get hard first. Sometimes it just happens and sometimes it needs help.”

  “Popol?”

  “You know. His thing.” Tuula grabbed her crotch. “His popol.”

  “Oh.” Meri closed her eyes, thinking of all the times she changed little Jani’s diapers. Sometimes his little thing was soft, little, and floppy and sometimes it stood erect as a pine tree. As a toddler she often caught him pulling on it, as if it was a play thing; it grew larger and harder then, too. Male body parts confused her, then and now.

  “Meri, are you listening?”

  Meri opened her eyes and nodded. “Go on. I need to learn this. Mamma should have taught me, but we didn’t talk of these things in my family…at least she didn’t explain it to me.”

  “Sex is such a natural part of life and yet so many women are ignorant about it. I had to learn about it from a girlfriend, too, Meri. Don’t feel bad. The older generations—they don’t think it’s proper to talk about things that matter to us. They teach us how to set the table and make stew and leave us wondering about how babies are born! Speaking of how babies are born…where were we?”

  Meri blushed. “Making the man’s…popol…ah…hard.”

  “Oui, sometimes you have to help it get hard.” Tuula shrugged.

  “Help it? What kind of help?” Meri looked at Tuula as if she had just said people could walk on the moon.

  “You must do different things for different men. Kissing. Strutting around naked. Letting him touch you wherever he wants. Touching him wherever he wants. You get the picture, right?”

  “Mon Dieu.”

  “It’s not so bad. Sometimes it feels good.”

  “Tuula, the only male thing I’ve ever seen is Jani’s popol during diaper changes and when he ran around naked during the summers as a toddler.”

  “Meri, you are so innocent! This is going to be very different for you. Maybe you should come out with me some night soon and I can find you a nice man who will be your first and treat you gently.”

  Meri paused for a moment. She thought about Tuula’s offer and how she got herself in a position where she might actually consider such an option. Siri came to mind. I’m going to have a serious talk with her about her “good ideas” very soon. “You know a good man willing to help me?”

  Tuula laughed. “I know many men who would consider it their pleasure to help you. Actually, they would think you were helping them.”

  “Maybe I should.” For the first time Meri saw a benefit in Tuula’s line of work. What would Papa think of me now? Is this what I must do to become successful in Paris?

  “The only other thing you should know is protecting yourself.”

  Dark green flecks inked Meri’s gray eyes. “Why do I need protection? You said you would find a man who will be nice and gentle.”

  “I’m not talking about protection from harm, although, as a woman, you always need to think about how to get away from men who like to treat a woman rough. Their privates and their eyes are the best targets for a good strong poke with your fingers, elbow or knee. I’m talking about protection from pregnancy and diseases.”

  “What diseases?”

  “Goodness, Meri, you really are innocent! Syphilis and gonorrhea mostly. They’re the worst. Then there are the bugs, but most men I’m with are family men and they’re careful, so I stay clean of disease and those nasty bugs. They itch. As long as the men you’re with are higher class, you shouldn’t have to worry about diseases. Pregnancy is a big a worry, though.”

  Meri’s stomach flip-flopped and she felt light-headed. This is getting so complicated and frightening. I should forget the whole thing. Meri twisted the hen of her skirt. She paused and surprised herself by what came out of her mouth. “What do you do about pregnancy?”

  “Condoms. But they are illegal, so they’re hard to find.”

  “Condoms?”

  “Meri, you don’t know about condoms?” Tuula sighed. She went to her bedroom and came out with a small square packet. “A condom.” Tuula handed it to Meri. “It’s a rubber thing that fits over the man’s hard popol and catches all the stuff squirting out when he has an orgasm.”

  Meri looked at the small packet and then at Tuula. Questions covered her face. “Tuula, I don’t understand.” Tuula I don’t want to do this.

  “Oh right. I didn’t explain sex yet. Sorry. After the man is hard, he sticks his thing in the woman’s vagina. The place between your legs? He pumps back and forth until he has an orgasm. During the orgasm, his sperm spits out of his popol and into the woman or into the condom. Hopefully, the woman gets some pleasure out of all the pumping and she has an orgasm, too.”

  Meri put her hands over her mouth, suppressing a contemptuous howl. She finally managed civil words. “Is sex pleasurable for you?”

  “Sometimes.”

  Meri shuddered.

  “Sex can be great with the right man, Meri. With a so-so man, sex is often mechanical. Being a little drunk helps a lot.” Tuula smiled.

  “Does the man have the condom or does the woman?”

  “Good question, Meri. You should bring one just in case. As I said, they’re hard to find.”

  “Why, Tuula?”

  “Oh, the stupid French government made them illegal after the war to end all wars. They want women to have dozens of children. For what? For more soldiers for another war? To keep women busy at home? I don’t know.” Tuula waved her hand as if dismissing a child.

  Again, Meri surprised herself by asking, “How do you find these condoms if they’re against the law?” More worried than before—Meri faced sex and breaking the law.

  “If you go to the places I go, they’re everywhere. Making things against the law only makes them more desirable. It’s human nature. You have to know who to ask and how to ask for them.”

  “Will you help me find these condoms?” Meri felt as if she were two people living in one body: Papa’s good girl and Mamma’s wicked troublemaker. This conversation brought both personas up against each other, and the wicked girl seemed to be winning. Papa’s good girl felt sick with shame but kept her feelings to herself.

  “Sure, Meri. We women need to help each other out. Especially since some men can’t be bothered with condoms…or us if we get pregnant.”

  Meri’s eyes widened even more.

  Without waiting for Meri to ask, Tuula explained, “There are three kinds of men I’ve found in my experience: the careful and considerate men who always come prepared with condoms; the carefree men who assume women will provide their own protection; and the selfish men who resist condoms because they like sex au naturel. They’re the worst ones. I refuse them. It’s too risky.”

  “Have you ever had trouble with a man?”

  Before Tuula could answer, Elina came bursting through the door, frustration clouding her face.

  “I looked everywhere. Everywhere! There’s no secret message in this neighborhood. Now what?”

  “Now supper,” Tuula smiled as she hugged her little secret agent girl and winked at Meri.

  §

  “Non!” It was more of a whispered question than a declaration.

  “That’s all you have to say, Siri?” Meri had her arms crossed over her chest in an unfriendly stance as she completed the story of how Siri’s advice backfired on her.

  “I never expected your supervisor to behave in such an unprofessional way, Meri. You really shouldn’t have told him you were attracted to him.” Siri shook her head and kept her eyes off Meri.

  “I had to think of something quickly. It was either that or get fired. Oh, What I told him doesn’t even matter. You know Frenc
hmen better than I do. You should have guessed.” Meri could be very harsh when she felt betrayed. Mon Dieu, I sound just like my mother scolding me!

  “Meri, I didn’t for one moment expect this to happen. Quit. I promise I’ll find you another job. I’ll figure something out.” Siri’s eyes welled up with tears as she looked at her agitated friend.

  “How many jobs are waiting for applicants on your desk at the Embassy?”

  “None…there’s always tomorrow’s mail, and I could ask questions. Be more aggressive.”

  “What’s the use? What’s done is done. Maybe I can put off Claude for long enough and he’ll lose interest. I want to learn French cooking. At least that’s a more respectable skill than French toilet cleaning. I’ll be earning more money, too.” Meri’s posture softened. She did not want to lose Siri as a friend; she just wanted to show her how upsetting the situation had become because of her advice. Mission accomplished.

  “You don’t hate me, do you, Meri?”

  “Non. I don’t hate you, but I hate your advice. You can fix this by finding me a better job someday.”

  “Meri, there’s something I didn’t tell you.”

  “Oh?”

  “The man who noticed me and gave me a job in the Finnish Embassy became my lover.”

  “He did?”

  “I loved him, Meri. It wasn’t like you and your supervisor, so I never gave my suggestion a thought.”

  “What happened to him?”

  Siri lowered her head. “He was married, of course. We carried on for a few months. After he got bored with me, he left. I was a virgin and he broke my heart. At least I got a good job from the affair.”

  Meri held Siri’s hand. “I’m sorry for you, Siri…about being abandoned. I know very little about men, and what I’m learning is not very good. I hear alcohol helps a lot where men are concerned.”

  Siri and Meri looked at each other for a moment. Giggles turned into uncontrollable laughter.

  §

  Tuula introduced Meri to her first lover—a man whose name she forgot the moment she heard it because she had already had several glasses of wine. After a short supper with plenty of wine, he took her to his office. Meri had enough wine during the meal to dull her senses and loosen the tightness her body had held all day.