Just Tell Her
Page 13
“Charlie, tell me,” she implored.
“I’ve been in love with you since the moment we met.”
There were two feelings that started all at once inside of Charlie. The first was the sense of absolute dread. She was watching Hailey’s reaction. She couldn’t read it. She could always read Hailey, except in the moment she needed to be able to read her the most, apparently. Hailey’s eyes were still big, and her lips were still slightly parted, but her jaw hadn’t dropped completely open. She hadn’t gulped or turned her eyes away. The initial blush from her embarrassment was still present. Charlie didn’t know what any of that meant. The second feeling that hit her was that of freedom; amazing and remarkable freedom. It was over. It was out there. No matter what happened next, whatever her reaction was going to be, she’d at least finally said it. Her last secret had been revealed. She no longer had to feel like she was hiding a part of herself from anyone. With that realization, she started laughing. It was soft at first, but it began building up until she was laughing wildly and no longer paying attention to Hailey’s reaction.
“Charlie?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she repeated and tried to calm her laughter, letting it die down, until she felt wetness on her cheeks and realized she was crying. “I’ve been holding that in for so long. I didn’t realize how fucking good it would feel to just say it.” She wiped at her cheeks, regained her composure, and turned again to see Hailey staring at her mystified. “Hails, the first time I saw you was at your interview. You were up after me, remember?”
“I remember,” Hailey muttered.
“You had on that red short-sleeve button-down shirt with the collar and the two breast pockets and these black pants. Your hair was down. It was shorter back then but not by much. It was around your face at first, but you pushed it back behind your ears when Francine called your name. I almost tripped over a chair on my way out. I almost said something to you. I almost just walked up and introduced myself, but you were so beautiful, Hails.” She laughed lightly at the memory. “And you were trying to get a job. I didn’t want to get in the way, but I never wanted to get a job more in my life. I hoped you got the job too, because I felt like I had to see you again, and that when I did, I would be brave.” She looked toward the window where she noticed the snow falling. “I finally worked up the courage to ask you out one night. Honestly, I’d asked the bartender to sneak me a shot, because I needed the liquid courage. I walked up to you, and you started talking about Ember and how you liked her. I was absolutely crushed.”
“Ember?” Hailey questioned.
“I liked you, but you liked her. Ember was always better at this stuff. She could get any girl she wanted. I figured that if she wanted you, it would be over for me.”
“Charlie, Em and I never-”
“I know,” Charlie interrupted and placed her hand on top of Hailey’s hand that was over the blanket. She knew it was the hand Hailey had just been using, but she didn’t care. “But by the time you got over her, you were dating someone else. Then, there was someone else, and I just never told you.” She let out a breath she’d been holding in. “I’ve watched you date woman after woman. None of them deserved you, Hailey. But after over a decade of not telling you how I feel, I’m not so sure I do either.” She lifted her hand off of Hailey’s and stood. “I pushed you away because I saw you with Emma, and it hurt worse than all the others combined, because Emma was the perfect girlfriend. You’ve actually used those words to describe her. I know you two only broke up because of distance. Now, there is no distance, so it’s going to work out this time, and I’ve just told you that I love you. Things are going to be bad for a while between us, because I can’t be around you right now, when you’re with her, Hails. I can’t. I pushed you away because I need to get over you.” She headed toward the door. “I have to not see you with her, okay,” she proclaimed and wiped another tear from her cheek. “I want you to be happy, Hails. I want me to be happy too, though. I’m going to try to get over you, and maybe we can get back to the place we were-”
“I didn’t know, Charlie,” Hailey interrupted her.
“Hails, I didn’t want you to know.” Charlie didn’t turn back to look at her. “I don’t really want you to know now, but I need you to know. If I have any chance of making something work with someone else, I just needed to tell you and move on.” She opened the door. “I’m going to see if I can catch a ride back with Hannah and Alyssa.”
“Charlie!”
“I need it, Hails.”
Charlie didn’t stop walking until she opened the front door and headed out onto the porch to inhale and exhale rapidly and lean back against the door, before sliding down it and feeling her body absorb the cold wet feeling of the snow against her pants. The tears she’d been somewhat holding in began to fall. Most of them were sad tears, because she’d just officially given up on ever being with Hailey Grant. But the rest were happy tears, because at least now that she’d told her, and Hailey had Emma, Charlie could finally move on.
CHAPTER 12
Hailey couldn’t move. She sat frozen in the tiny twin bed, with her eyes unfocused but staring at least in the direction of the open door. Charlie bolted out of the room before Hailey could even say anything to her. Hailey didn’t know what to say to her anyway; Charlie loved her. She loved her. She had for a long time, and Hailey hadn’t noticed. How had she not noticed? She spent practically every free moment she had with Charlie and Ember, and mainly Charlie, especially since Ember met Eva. It was as if her entire friendship with Charlie was now replaying in her mind. Charlie even remembered what Hailey wore when Hailey first interviewed at the restaurant.
“Black jeans and a white polo,” she said to herself.
“Huh?” Ember was standing in the doorway.
“When did you get there?” Hailey focused her eyes on her.
“Good morning to you too, Hails. I just got here. I was about to go make breakfast, and I saw you were up. Where’s Charlie?”
“I don’t know,” Hailey said.
“Black jeans and a white polo? Are you planning what you’re wearing today?” Ember questioned, leaning against the door.
“Huh?”
“That’s what you just said.”
“Oh.” Hailey smiled. “It’s what Charlie wore the day we both interviewed with your mom.”
“You remember what she wore that day? That was, like, a million years ago. I don’t even know what I wore last week.”
“Em, can you check on her, please?” Hailey wiped her cheek and sniffled. “I can’t, and I think she needs someone to check-”
“Hailey, what happened?” Ember walked in and sat on the end of the bed, leaning toward Hailey, who was still half under the blanket.
“She’s going to need someone, and she won’t let it be me.” She tried to produce a smile. “It should be me, but it can’t be.”
Ember kept her eyes on Hailey’s glassy ones.
“She told you.” She nodded as she said it.
“You knew?” Hailey accused, but in a gentle voice because that was all she could manage.
“She told me a while ago. She was drunk and confessed to me, but I knew before that.”
“How?” Hailey wanted to know. “How did you know, and I didn’t?”
“It’s hard to see when it’s you, Hails. She always played it close to the vest. It took me some time to even notice the little things she’d say or do, but, mostly, it was how she looked at you.”
“How she…” Hailey stared at Ember with an expression that must have said she had no idea what she was talking about.
“You know how I look at Eva?” She patted Hailey’s leg. “That is how Charlotte Adams looks at Hailey Grant.”
“I didn’t know. I just thought that was how she looked at me. I didn’t know the difference.”
“Hails, the question you need to ask yourself is what you’re going to do about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Hailey, I used to think it was one-sided. Charlie loved you, but you didn’t feel it.” She took a thoughtful pause. “But I told her years ago to tell you how she felt, because I thought you felt it too. You started looking at her that same way. It’s been there ever since. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that, but, Hailey, every woman you’ve ever dated has basically been a dud. Did you ever think there was a reason you kept going for women like that?”
“Em, not every woman,” Hailey said. “Emma isn’t a dud.”
Ember stood and sighed.
“You need to tell Charlie that nothing’s going to happen between the two of you if you want Emma, Hailey. Emma is the reason this is all happening right now. Charlie never really worried before, because the women you dated weren’t going to stick around. But if Emma is, and you love her and want the life with her you never got back then, you need to tell Charlie. Let her go, because she’s been in pain for years. It’s been worse, though, since Emma reappeared.”
“She told me she’s moving on,” Hailey announced. “She said she needs to move on.”
“Do you love her, Hailey?”
“Hey, breakfast?” Eva walked up to the door. “Oh, I’m interrupting something.” She went to back up.
“It’s okay,” Ember told her and then turned back to Hailey. “You’ve got some thinking to do. But now that you know, it’s time to figure out what you want, Hails. She’s just trying to let go of what she’s wanted her whole life. That’s not easy. It’s especially hard if you keep her on the hook, you know?”
“I wouldn’t do that to her. If I would have known, I…” She glanced in Eva’s direction.
“And there’s where the thinking needs to come in.” Ember pointed at her. “I’ll check on her. Babe, can you start breakfast? I have to find Charlie.” Ember stepped to Eva and placed her hands on her hips, before leaning in and kissing her forehead. “I love you,” she whispered it, but Hailey heard it and closed her eyes when she did.
“Sure,” Eva told her. “Love you too.” Eva gave Hailey a half-smile and a shrug as Ember pulled her along, leaving Hailey alone in the room.
Hailey’s eyes were unfocused again. She couldn’t stop the memories from flowing into her brain. She wondered how she couldn’t have seen it, but also how Charlie had managed to put up with it all these years. They’d been so close. Hell, Hailey had heard from a few different people at various functions that they thought she and Charlie were a couple. Once, she’d told an old boss about Charlie, and after ten minutes of talking, the boss asked if Charlie was her boyfriend or husband. That was before that boss knew she was gay, but the perception was that Charlie was her other half nonetheless.
She’d been thinking about Charlie a lot differently over the past week and a half. Ever since she’d asked for space and mentioned that she was going on a date, she’d felt differently about Charlie and their situation. When they’d arrived at the large, yet also seemingly claustrophobic lake house, she’d felt things she had never felt before. She’d stared at parts of Charlie she’d never really stared at that way before. She’d touched her several times and wanted to touch her more. In fact, she’d followed her outside, when they’d arrived, specifically for the chance to run her hands up and down her arms, knowing she’d be cold and just wanting to feel her. She’d tried to warm her up that first night and had the best of intentions, but once she’d been lying next to her, it became about more than just keeping her from freezing. Last night, she’d gone downstairs to check on her, sat down to read to her, and wrapped her in a blanket. She’d offered to lie down next to her again, because she wanted to feel that press of their bodies, the softness of Charlie’s skin.
She’d woken up earlier than usual and felt the all too familiar arousal that sometimes forced her from slumber. It had always been funny to her when Ember referenced Eva’s fondness for morning sex, because Hailey was also a morning sex kind of girl. Her body had no problem with sex any other time but seemed to prefer it more in the morning. She often woke up with a tingle to do something about it. Normally, she wouldn’t dare, being in the same house with five other women. But she’d been thinking about Charlie; for the first time, she thought about Charlie and wanted to touch herself, to picture the two of them kissing slowly and gently, while she pressed fingers to her clit and moved them around just as slowly, as she got more and more turned on with the combination of the touching and the images.
She’d been smart enough to close the door but hadn’t thought to lock it, because it was five in the morning on a Sunday, and even Charlie didn’t wake up that early. She’d been wrong, though. Just as her fingers started pressing harder and faster, as she imagined Charlie’s lips on her nipples, sucking and pulling, while Charlie’s hand slid down between her legs to start touching her just as she was touching herself, the door opened, and it was the object of her fantasy standing in the door, while Hailey yanked her hand from between her own legs and tried to pretend she wasn’t just masturbating to the thought of her best friend making love to her. She considered that thought and recalled the visual. Charlie wasn’t fucking her. She wasn’t just having sex with her in the fantasy. She was making love to her.
Hailey rolled her head back against the pillow. Charlie had been in love with her forever, but Hailey’s feelings were very new to her. She’d just discovered that she thought of Charlie as more than a friend. If she told Charlie she’d been thinking about the two of them together and she wasn’t ready for the whole thing, the relationship and the love beyond what was shared between two close friends, Hailey knew it would destroy any friendship between them. She couldn’t hurt Charlie any more than she already had by being so clueless.
She also had Emma to consider. Charlie had the new woman in her life too. While they were both taking things slowly right now, with the other women in their lives, Hailey needed to figure out what was going on with Emma, before she even attempted to think about whatever she may be feeling for Charlie. Hailey knew she liked Emma. She’d loved her once, and there was the possibility they were on their way back to that. When she kissed Emma, it felt like their lips were in perfect harmony, and she’d wanted to take things further, prior to coming on this trip. She wanted to find out if Emma really was the one she was supposed to be with. In fact, as she thought about all of it together, she wondered if the reason she was confused about her feelings for Charlie was because things were real with Emma. That meant they’d be a couple soon, and they’d settle down together. That was scary. Hailey had dated a lot of women, and she’d thought several of them would be around for longer than they actually were, but she’d never thought any of them was the one for her.
After Emma, it had taken her a long time to open up to the idea of finding someone else. And then when she did, and it didn’t work, she thought she’d have to date a lot of women to find anyone that could hold a candle to her first love. She’d been wrong on all accounts, of course, but Emma was back in her life. She wanted to see where it was going. She’d been honest with Emma that she wasn’t ready for anything serious yet. She planned to keep it that way. She’d push her surprising feelings for Charlie down so that she could focus on Emma. That would give Charlie the chance to move on with her life. Hailey didn’t want to confuse either of them, by confessing that she’d had one fantasy about the woman and wondered what her lips would feel like on her body. It would be better this way.
◆◆◆
“Hey,” Ember greeted Charlie with her coat. Charlie was still sitting outside but moved away from the door when she felt it open. Ember tossed the coat onto Charlie’s head and then handed her the boots she’d brought. “Let’s go for a walk.”
Ember had already put on her own coat, gloves, and boots. Charlie stood, put the boots on first and then the coat, removing the gloves she’d shoved into the pockets. She slid them over her hands. The snow had let up, and the sun was rising, so, while it was still cold, it wasn’t as bad. Honestly, Charlie wasn’t feeling much of anything at the moment.
“I went to say good morning and kind of figured it out,” Ember replied and headed down the porch steps.
“At least now she knows.” Charlie followed, placing her hands in her pockets.
“How do you feel?” Ember questioned as they began their walk.
“I feel like I just ruined the best friendship I’ve ever had,” Charlie confessed.
“You didn’t ruin it, Charlie. She’ll take the time she needs, and you’ll do the same, but you guys will come out of this okay.” Ember looped an arm through Charlie’s.
“Em, I can’t be around her right now. I know we have to plan your wedding, and that it’s only a couple of months away. I promise I’ll do everything I can to help, but being around her like this hurts so much.”
“Okay. Okay,” Ember consoled. “We’ll figure something out.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told her. I should have kept it to myself, at least until after your wedding. She’d be with Emma, and it wouldn’t have mattered. I wouldn’t have said anything, and we’d go on being fine.”
“Charlie, you haven’t been fine since you figured out you loved her. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. What you did took guts, and I knew you had them all along. Don’t worry about the wedding. We’ll figure something out. If you don’t want to be in it anymore, I’ll understand.”
Charlie stopped them and turned to face her.
“No, Em. This is your wedding, and you’re my best friend too. Of course, I want to be in it. I can be mature and put my own crap aside. I just don’t think I can sit around and plan things, with her in the room, and that makes me a bad maid-of-honor. Can you demote me or something?” she proposed.
Ember laughed and pulled them along.
“No, I’m not demoting you, but you are dismissed from the intense wedding planning sessions involving Hailey. I’ll make sure you do fittings and stuff with just Eva and I, or even just me, okay?”