The Second Time I Saw You: The Oxford Blue Series #2

by Pippa Croft

  Though we’ve been up all night and I feel shattered, I’m also feeling too nervy to sleep. ‘I think I’ll have some tea first and wait until Emma’s settled.’

  In the library, there’s a cafetière of coffee, a pot of tea and cookies. Even at this hour, nothing escapes Robert’s notice: it’s the exact brand of Earl Grey that he knows I prefer, which I find a little bizarre. I’ve no appetite but I pour a cup. Alexander stands with his back to me, staring into the fire, too stressed to sit.

  ‘Want a coffee?’ I ask.

  ‘No, thanks.’ He wheels round. ‘Yes, go on then. Fuck this, why did she have to do it? Why tonight, when we were a thousand bloody miles away?’

  ‘She had too much to drink, she made a mistake, and she didn’t know we were in Rome. It’s just bad timing.’

  ‘Is there ever a good time to get so paralytically drunk that you pass out in the bloody street?’ He rounds on me but I try not to snap back.

  I pour coffee from the cafetière into a cup. He looks exhausted and incredibly stressed. ‘Obviously not, but she didn’t do it deliberately to haul us back from Rome.’

  ‘Are you sure? She definitely wanted someone’s attention.’

  ‘Are you sure she wasn’t simply being a teenager? Have you never done anything like that?’

  ‘A couple of times, of course I have, but I waited until I was a student or in the army.’

  ‘What did her housemistress say?’

  ‘That she should come home for now and they’ll decide what to do on Monday. I’ve been warned she may be suspended for a short time.’

  ‘Ouch. She won’t get thrown out?’

  ‘Not this time, but they won’t put up with this happening too many times. Dad would have gone ballistic. I’m glad he’s not here to see this, even if it would have been his problem. Jesus, I don’t need this, not now.’ Rarely do I ever hear him make an admission that he’s finding things overwhelming.

  I hand him the cup. ‘Why don’t you sit down and have this?’

  Even deciding whether or not to take a seat seems to be too much for him, but suddenly he nods. ‘Thanks. I apologize for shouting at you. None of this is your fault. I should have made you go back to Oxford.’

  ‘No one makes me do anything, Alexander.’

  He looks at me. ‘No, I should know that by now … Lauren, I know this wasn’t how you wanted to spend your evening but I’m glad you stayed, no matter what I just said. Maybe you could talk to Emma tomorrow, when she surfaces. She likes you and I’m sure if I wade in like a bull in a china shop, it’ll only end up in another blazing row. It’s a lot to ask, but do you mind?’

  It’s not just the lack of sleep and the night spent in an ER waiting room that makes my stomach unsettled, it’s my guilty conscience and the fact Alexander clearly thinks I’m some sort of good influence on his sister. The last thing I want to do is to act like some kind of counsellor to her.

  ‘I don’t know if I can give her any advice. I don’t know that I can say the right thing to her,’ I say, trying to be honest in this respect at least.

  ‘Neither do I, that’s the problem. I have no idea how to deal with this.’

  ‘Then we’re even.’

  ‘But you will speak to her? Even if she won’t tell you anything, at least will you try? If you can find out anything at all about how she’s feeling, or if there’s anything specific that made her sneak out of school and get so pissed, it would be a huge help.’

  ‘OK, I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises. I guess people don’t need a reason to get smashed once in a while.’

  He downs the coffee and gets up again. I stand up too, light-headed with tiredness. ‘Thank you for this. I won’t forget it.’

  Sheer exhaustion overcame my guilty conscience last night and when I wake, Alexander’s side of the bed is cold and I remember him telling me that he wanted to see how Emma was before he got some rest. I’m not sure he’s even been to bed at all. When I get up, I find him sitting at his desk in the library, flicking through documents, a fountain pen in one hand.

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘Still sleeping it off.’ He puts down the pen, screws up his eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose.

  ‘Did you stay with her the whole night?’

  ‘I tried, but I fell asleep in the chair so Helen woke me and made me come to bed.’

  ‘I don’t remember you coming to bed.’

  He treats me to a weary smile and gets out of his chair. ‘You were out of it too. Have you had any breakfast?’

  ‘Not yet. What time is it?’

  ‘Almost eleven.’ He looks hard at me. ‘Why, are you missing something?’

  ‘Nothing important.’

  ‘Are you sure? Do you need to get back to Oxford?’

  ‘No, it’s OK. My next tute is tomorrow. It’s just that Professor Rafe asked me to go to a movie with him but I’ve obviously missed that.’

  He looks incredulous. ‘He asked you to go and see a film with him on a Sunday morning?’

  ‘Not only me. It was a faculty trip, and the cinema had arranged a special screening. It doesn’t matter.’ I don’t tell him that Rafe did try to persuade me to go on a date.

  He sighs. ‘I’m sorry this business has fucked up your morning.’

  ‘I’m not sorry, I didn’t want to go that much but I felt I ought to show willing, and I’d much rather have actually been in Rome than watching a movie about it.’

  He kisses me. ‘Thanks. I’ll have Robert lay out some brunch.’

  We’ve just finished eating in the morning room when the door opens and a little ghost-like face appears.

  He stands up and drops his napkin on the table. ‘Good morning, Emma.’

  She manages a grunt in return and inches her way to the table.

  ‘Do you want some tea or orange juice?’ I ask, feeling sorry for her but probably not as sorry as she feels for herself.

  She shakes her head, then closes her eyes as if even that was too much for her.

  ‘The hospital said you should keep drinking to replace your lost fluids,’ says Alexander.

  ‘Don’wan’anything.’

  ‘Tough.’ He walks over to the side table and grabs a jug of iced water. He pours a full tumbler and hands it to her. ‘Drink this.’

  ‘I might be sick.’

  ‘Drink it,’ he barks.

  ‘I’m not in the fucking army,’ Emma growls but sips the water anyway. ‘God, that’s rank.’

  ‘Not enough vodka in it for you?’

  I wince and Emma glares at him. I don’t really blame her. ‘Maybe mix it with some juice or have some chamomile tea?’ I suggest, expecting to have my head bitten off.

  ‘S’pose I could try.’

  ‘The water’s not that hot now but it’ll do.’ I pop a teabag in a cup and pour the water on it while Emma rests her head on her arms on the table. Alexander clearly can’t bear to watch and is taking a great interest in the gardens. He’s so used to controlling and hiding his emotions but he has totally lost it with Emma and probably doesn’t want us to see how worried and overwhelmed he is. I know he’s worried about her, and I’m no expert but even I can see that being angry with her won’t help. On the other hand, she’s not my sister; if she was, I think we’d have come to blows.

  I offer the cup. ‘Here. It’s lukewarm but it’ll be gentle on your stomach.’

  After staring at the tea like it might bite her, she picks up the cup and takes a few sips.

  ‘OK?’

  She nods and mutters a word I think is: ‘Thanks.’

  Alexander turns around. ‘At last.’

  I try to telegraph a ‘shut up’ to him but it’s no good.

  ‘Why do you have to get on my back?’ Emma wails.

  ‘Because I care about you. Why do you think?’

  ‘You’re a hypocrite; you were off your face after the funeral.’

  ‘That’s different. I wasn’t lying in the road at the time.’

  ‘
It wasn’t the road, it was the High Street and I would have been OK.’

  He clearly can’t bring himself to speak for a moment, then shakes his head. ‘Oh, really? You were unconscious, for God’s sake! Did you expect people to just leave you lying there? I don’t want to see you end up raped or dead in some alley. Where were your friends?’

  ‘They stayed until they knew I was OK. I’m glad they left. They’d only have got into trouble.’

  ‘They already are. Miss Fisher said she knows who was there. They’ve been suspended too.’

  ‘I don’t care if I’m suspended. It’s a study week this week anyway.’

  ‘Luckily for you, otherwise you’d be out of school for a week.’

  ‘Well you needn’t worry about staying here with me. I can stay with Allegra.’

  Oh fuck. Allegra was her alibi when she last saw Henry. The last time I know about, anyway. What do I do now?

  Alexander jumps in for me and I have to say I’m relieved. ‘No, you’re not staying with Allegra. You’re coming to Oxford with me.’

  She slams the cup into the saucer. ‘You can’t do that, Alex! I don’t want to live with you for a week.’

  ‘Sorry, no choice. I can’t stay here at Falconbury or I’ll get kicked off my course, and nothing’s going to stop me finishing it.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘It’s decided. No negotiation.’

  She rounds on him. ‘I may not go back to school at all, you know. I might pack in my A levels and go travelling or off to London. Why should I bother doing my exams anyway? I’ve got Mummy’s money; I’ve got friends I can stay with or I can rent a flat. I don’t need my inheritance.’

  ‘Don’t start this, Emma. You know how much you want to do that course.’

  ‘I’m not sure now.’ She folds her arms. ‘I’m not sure about anything.’

  ‘Grow up. You fought hard enough to be allowed to go there.’

  Her eyes flash in triumph. ‘What do you care? You just want me to go to Oxford, like Daddy. You want me to be a clone of you.’

  ‘A clone of me?’ he laughs. ‘Actually, you couldn’t be more wrong. I was the one who told him that you should be allowed to go your own way and if you must know, he agreed in the end.’

  I really think I should take cover under the table.

  She’s momentarily silenced before she laughs at him. ‘I don’t believe you. He never said that to me.’

  ‘He was going to.’

  ‘How do you know that? When did he say it?’

  The struggle to keep his cool is stamped all over Alexander’s face. ‘He said so the last time I saw him. He told me that you should do what you were passionate about. He was going to tell you …’

  Emma gulps in air. ‘You bastard! Why haven’t you said this before?’

  ‘I didn’t want to upset you. Like this.’ He looks anguished, seeing her real distress.

  ‘Oh, I wish Mummy was here. I miss her so much, and I even miss Daddy.’ Emma crumples and suddenly she looks much younger than her seventeen years.

  He stares at her gently and lowers his voice. ‘So do I, but I’m afraid I’m all you’ve got.’ He walks over to her and to his relief she accepts his hug.

  Tears pour down her cheeks now and she gulps back a sob. They are both so distressed and I wonder if I should leave them to it. I am just beginning to creep to the door when I spot Emma looking at me pleadingly. Seeing the look too, Alexander pulls away, ruffles Emma’s hair and walks slowly towards the door.

  ‘I think I might go for a ride,’ he mutters shakily. ‘I need some air.’

  Emma and I look at one another and as soon as he’s gone, Emma starts to cry again, leaving me to pick up the pieces. I’m wrung out myself by lack of sleep and the sheer drama of the night, and I simply don’t know what to do.

  I cringe as Emma blows her nose on one of the white table napkins. ‘What do I do now?’ she wails. ‘Alex is furious with me.’

  ‘He’s upset.’

  She snorts. ‘Alex? Upset? He doesn’t do “upset”. He’s like Daddy, a robot.’

  ‘I wouldn’t say a robot … and he does love you.’

  ‘Yeah?’ she sneers.

  ‘He has a strange way of showing how he feels at times, I’ll admit.’

  ‘Very strange. My God, how do you put up with him?’

  ‘Sometimes I ask myself the same thing,’ I murmur.

  ‘I suppose you’re in love with him?’ Emma throws down the challenge, so she can’t be too hungover.

  ‘I think that’s between us.’

  ‘Hmm. That means mind your own fucking business, doesn’t it?’

  I smile. ‘It means what I said.’

  ‘OK, I suppose I don’t actually hate him. I suppose I love him, really, and I even loved Daddy, though I would never have said so to him. He didn’t say it to me very often; I had to guess and hope and assume.’ She sniffs. ‘I can hardly remember Mummy. Do you know how horrible that feels, having her fade away a little more every day? Even the memories I do have I think I might have dreamed or I’ve heard them second-hand from Alex.’

  I’d have to be made of stone not to be moved by this comment. ‘I am truly sorry for what’s happened to you and Alexander and that I can’t do more to help you.’

  ‘You listen. That’s something.’ She toys with a spoon. ‘Do you want to know the real reason I got so pissed last night?’

  My mind cartwheels over and over. Yes and no and no and yes because I have a horrible feeling that the answer is going to involve Henry.

  She taps the spoon against the cup, faster and faster, and then says into her tea, ‘I think I might be pregnant.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  ‘Oh my God!’

  She drops her spoon on the table with a clatter. ‘Oh fuck. If you’re so shocked, imagine what Alex will do. Not that he’s going to find out!’

  ‘Is it Henry?’

  ‘Of course! I’m not a complete tart.’

  ‘I didn’t mean that.’

  Her eyes plead with me. ‘I know, sorry. Oh, Lauren, what am I going to do?’ she wails.

  She asks me? ‘First of all, I guess, you need to find out if you actually are pregnant. Why do you think you might be?’

  ‘I’m ten days late.’ She pulls a face. ‘I’m pretty regular usually. I keep a diary.’

  ‘Even so, aren’t you on the pill?’ I ask, horribly out of my depth.

  ‘Well, Henry thought I was, but it gave me massive headaches so I stopped.’

  I manage to bite back an ‘oh fuck’. ‘Have you done a test yet?’

  ‘No. I’m too scared.’

  ‘You have to before you can decide what to do.’

  ‘I can’t have a baby,’ she wails.

  ‘Then the sooner you find out for sure, the better.’

  ‘I don’t want Alex to know.’

  ‘Right then, we’ll go get a test now.’

  ‘How? I can’t drive and anyway Alex will want to know why I’ve been out when I should be resting. Brandon will definitely tell him.’

  ‘I don’t have a licence to drive here, even if I dared take the Range Rover out. What about if I have Brandon take me to the drugstore? Where’s the nearest?’

  ‘At the Waitrose on the bypass.’

  ‘OK, I’ll go now and hopefully I’ll be back before Alexander’s finished his ride.’

  ‘Won’t he find out you’ve taken the Bentley?’

  ‘Sure, but I’ll tell him I needed some Tampax or something, not that it’s really any of his business.’ I give her a confident smile. ‘Stop panicking, it may well all be OK.’

  ‘Oh, I hope so. Lauren, thanks for this.’ She throws her arms around me.

  ‘It’s OK,’ I say, ‘but when we’ve got this over with, we need to have a talk.’ And boy, have I heard that before. My mother would be laughing her cashmere socks off.

  The one thing about Brandon that I do like is that he’s obviously skilled in the art of not asking too many ques
tions, and my request to be taken to Waitrose is met with: ‘Of course, Miss Cusack.’ Half an hour later, I’m being let into the front door of the house by Robert, a pharmacy bag inside my tote, feeling like some kind of Cold War spy.

  ‘Um, is Alexander back from his ride?’

  ‘Not yet, Miss Cusack.’

  ‘OK. Thanks, Robert.’

  I slip upstairs to Emma’s room and knock softly. ‘It’s Lauren.’

  There’s a thud and she opens the door. ‘You got it?’

  ‘I got two.’ I pat my bag.

  ‘Good. I am so grateful.’ I’m thinking she should wait until she has the result but then she starts crying and I put my arm around her.

  ‘I can’t do this.’

  ‘Yes, you can. If it’s negative, you can relax, and if not, then you can make a decision.’

  ‘I already know what that’ll be.’

  ‘Then let’s get this over with.’ I hand over the packet.

  ‘You won’t tell Alex, whatever happens?’

  With a great effort of will, I answer, ‘It’s your business. I’d prefer to tell him but I won’t if you really don’t want me to.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Do you want me to leave you or wait while you do the test?’

  ‘Would you stay?’

  ‘Sure.’

  She goes into the bathroom while I wander to the window, looking out over the stables. My nerves are on a knife edge so God knows how Emma must be feeling, but I’m certainly not going to wait there in the bathroom while she pees on the stick. My heart rate ramps up a little when I spot a rider trotting along the path that leads out of the woods before I realize it’s only one of the grooms. I’d laugh at myself, if Emma wasn’t so worried. All this secrecy is ridiculous.

  ‘Are you OK?’ I call through the door.

  My answer is the sound of the toilet flushing so I head back to the window. Talia is chatting to the groom I mistook for Alexander, which is crazy because the groom is a foot shorter and forty pounds lighter. Talia pats the horse’s muzzle before leading him off to the stable.

  The door to the bathroom opens and Emma emerges. I hadn’t thought she could look any paler or sicker than she did last night but her whey-face comes pretty close.

  ‘What?’ I blurt out, dreading the answer.