The Second Time I Saw You: The Oxford Blue Series #2

by Pippa Croft

  Except: she isn’t asleep, is she? And I should have known that from the moment Alexander woke me. I should have known she wouldn’t be in her bed from the moment she told me she was going out, ‘on her own’.

  I push open the door and the light from the landing shows me Emma’s bed. It’s rumpled like someone has slept in it and covered by her laptop, clothes, make-up, books – everything except a sleeping seventeen-year-old. My heart starts to pound, my mouth is dry and I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m going to say to Alexander. I walk into the room, as if I might find her hiding in the wardrobe or under the bed. I feel cold, and it’s not because I just woke up.

  ‘She’s not here, is she?’Alexander’s voice, so teasing and sexy a few minutes ago, is cold and hard behind me.

  ‘No.’

  I turn to see him framed in the doorway. He flicks on the light and Emma’s absence becomes almost palpable. He walks into the room and stands beside me.

  ‘Fuck. She must have walked out while you were asleep,’ he says, glancing around him, shaking his head.

  ‘No, she didn’t.’

  ‘How do you know? Lauren, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. I should have been here; I should have refused to go to the dinner.’

  ‘She didn’t go out while I was asleep, she went out long before then.’

  With my arms wrapped around my body, I can’t and don’t want to look at his face.

  ‘What?’

  ‘She said she’d arranged to meet some friends at a pub; I tried to persuade her to stay but she’d made up her mind. I’m sorry. I tried to stop her but short of locking the door and calling you back, what could I do?’

  He pushes the laptop out of the way and sits down on Emma’s bed, staring into space. ‘What could you have done? You could have called me for one thing.’

  ‘I did consider it but I didn’t want to ruin your evening. You said you had people to meet and I honestly couldn’t do anything once she’d made her mind up.’

  He turns his eyes on me, his gaze icy. ‘You should have phoned me, Lauren.’

  I start to feel angry. ‘I told you I thought about it and made the decision not to. I’m genuinely sorry, Alexander, but I couldn’t barricade the door!’

  ‘No, I suppose not.’ He stands up. ‘However, I did think that you might, possibly, have realized that once she had left it would be a good idea to call me so I could do something about it. Now, God knows where she’s gone or what’s happened to her.’ His voice grows louder and I can see he’s about to explode. ‘If I’d known that this would happen, I would never have set foot outside the fucking house!’ He shoves his hands savagely through his hair.

  I am desperately trying to keep a hold on my own anger. ‘Now just wait a moment, Alexander. I’m sorry you’re upset but there’s no point hitting the roof or laying blame. Emma may well be back any minute. She told me who she was meeting and where. I know it’s way after closing time but she’s bound to have gone on to her friend’s house. If we call Allegra, I’ll bet she’s there.’

  ‘That’s forty miles away from here! How the hell would she get there?’

  ‘She left in a cab, but she did say the boys they were meeting were eighteen, so they probably all have cars.’

  ‘Boys? Oh fuck. I hope she’s OK.’

  ‘You could also try phoning her?’

  He gets up suddenly and thumps downstairs. When I enter the sitting room, he’s on his mobile and I can hear it ringing out.

  He stabs the off button. ‘Bloody answerphone. I’m going to phone Allegra’s mother, even if it is almost one a.m.’

  I hover nearby while he calls, hearing the house phone at their comfortable manor house ring out, imagining Allegra’s mother or father waking and probably thinking something dire has happened.

  ‘Hello, this is Alexander Hunt here, Emma’s brother. Firstly, I must apologize for calling so late but is Emma with you?’ His voice is clipped, ultra polite.

  I rub my hands up and down my jeans while he speaks, hoping for the right answer, but then I hear him say, ‘OK, I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Maybe you’re right and she’s with one of her other friends. I’ll try them.’

  He switches off the phone and, without speaking, dials another number and goes through the same routine.

  While he does, I try Emma’s phone again from my own cell, but I get the answerphone too.

  After Alexander has hauled three different families out of bed, he throws his phone on the sofa and sits down, with his head in his hands.

  ‘I know it’s worrying, but she is seventeen; she may have gone on to a club here in Oxford or to another friend’s house.’

  ‘I hope so. I wish I’d bloody stayed here.’

  ‘You can’t keep her in all the time. It’s her life.’

  ‘I should have been here. This is my fault.’

  That makes a change from it being my fault, I think, but it’s no consolation to me and not helping his mood. I’ve heard him blame himself before, in his nightmares.

  ‘Fuck it.’ He walks to the fireplace and leans on it, his head bowed. ‘I’m going to have to leave the army.’ Then he snaps to attention. ‘I’m going to call Brandon and go out looking for her. If I hadn’t been drinking, I’d drive myself.’

  ‘I only had a glass of wine much earlier, but I’m not insured for your car or I’d take you. But what if she comes back here while we’re out? Surely it would be better to wait a while, at least until the clubs close in Oxford?’

  He paces the room. ‘I can’t let anything happen to her, Lauren. I’ve got to keep her safe.’

  I put my arms around him and, to my relief, he doesn’t push me away. ‘You won’t. It’s only one a.m. She’s probably having a fantastic time in some club or at a friend’s house and has lost track of the time.’ That sounds lame, even to me, but I carry on. ‘She’ll be back soon, I’m sure.’

  Hours later, Alexander is slumped in the chair opposite me, staring at his mobile. Like me, I think he’s willing it to ring. Yet it hasn’t, nor has Emma answered any of our calls. I’ve managed to persuade him not to call the hospitals or police so far, because I know they won’t take it seriously at this stage.

  The chimes of the clock in the hallway cut through the silence of the house, one, two, three, and Alexander jumps up. ‘That’s it, I’m calling Brandon and I’m going to look for her. Can you wait up and call me if she comes home?’

  Without waiting for a reply, he dials Brandon’s number and has just started talking to him when I hear the key scrape in the lock and the door open.

  ‘That must be her!’ I fly to the hallway and with a quick word to Brandon, Alexander is out of his seat after me.

  Emma is framed in the doorway, her long hair plastered to her head, her velvet coat soaked. Her face is wet and, instinctively, I know that the moisture is not just raindrops.

  Behind me, Alexander hasn’t noticed she’s crying and snaps, ‘Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been out of my mind with worry.’

  ‘Emma, what’s the matter?’ I ask and reach out to her, but she pushes past me to Alexander. He folds her in his arms and holds her while she heaves in great shuddering breaths. After a minute or two, he gently tilts her chin up to him and lifts the strands of wet hair from her face.

  I’m only a spectator now and I can almost feel the strain in every syllable when he asks her, ‘Has someone hurt you?’

  Emma lets out a strangled howl. My heart is in my mouth.

  ‘It’s Henry-y-y,’ she says with a gargling sob. ‘He’s d-d-dumped me.’

  The clock ticks on, while Alexander struggles to process what she just said.

  ‘You mean Henry Favell?’

  ‘Yes.’ Emma mumbles now, perhaps already wishing the name unsaid. I don’t know what to do or say.

  ‘Has he hurt you?’

  ‘N-no. Not in that way.’

  ‘So, that’s where you were tonight? With him?’

  She hesitates. ‘Yes.’
/>   Alexander lets his arms fall from her body and walks into the sitting room like we don’t exist. Emma is left forlorn in the middle of the hall. I stay where I am, trying not to think of the fall-out which is about to follow.

  Emma sniffs loudly, then says in a tiny voice, ‘Oh fuck.’

  She looks at me, I look at her, and then she dashes into the sitting room after him. When I walk in, Alexander is standing in front of the mantelpiece, leaning on it with both hands, but I can see his expression in the mirror. It’s tight with fury and disappointment.

  ‘Why do you hate him so much?’ Emma’s voice rises to a shriek.

  He doesn’t turn round, either because he doesn’t trust himself to or because he knows we can see him.

  ‘Look at the state of you now. Do I need another reason? Why do you think he’s after you anyway?’

  ‘He said he loved me. Why, do you think no one could love me?’

  He bursts out laughing and whips round to face us both. ‘Of course I do, but not that bastard. He’s not fit to lick your fucking boots.’

  ‘This is not helpful …’ I have to stand up for Emma even if she has dropped me in deep shit.

  ‘It’s also none of your business.’ Alexander doesn’t even look at me as he says it but keeps his eyes on Emma.

  ‘I could rip his balls off for hurting you but I’m not sorry it’s over between you.’

  Emma looks at him, distraught.

  ‘Listen, I care about you and I don’t want to see you like this. Why have you started seeing him again? You know he’s a devious piece of shit.’

  Her voice rises in pitch. ‘I’ve already told you, I loved him. He said he loved me. I know you hate him so why would I tell you I was going out with him? I know you got Rupert to warn him off last year; you had no right to do that.’

  ‘I have every right. You’re sixteen.’

  ‘Seventeen. I can shag who I like. You do.’

  I wince.

  Alexander speaks slowly, every syllable enunciated in his cut-glass accent. ‘I’m responsible for you, and Henry Favell is a lying bastard.’

  ‘You were engaged to Valentina and she’s an evil bitch, so now we’re even. Thank fuck you dumped her and found someone normal, like Lauren. At least I can fucking talk to her! At least she listens to me when no one else will. She understands how I feel, don’t you, Lauren? What I felt for Henry?’

  Emma is staring at me, pleading with her eyes and her voice.

  I’ve never been in an auto accident but I’ve heard people say that just before the moment of impact, their brain slows everything down and they see the inevitable happen, but they’re powerless to do a thing to stop it. Alexander is that truck approaching, a massive object sliding towards me.

  He looks at me questioningly and I try to keep my face impassive as I see his eyes widen in shock, and something else I can’t quite detect. ‘You knew,’ he says.

  Bang. I fly up into the air, tumbling over and over.

  ‘You knew she was still seeing him.’ He repeats the words.

  ‘She was only trying to help.’ Emma’s voice is a tiny squeak, mouse-like, and my first instinct is to laugh at them both. It’s really no big deal, I want to say, look at yourselves. She’s young and finding her way; you’re acting like some Victorian father. You’re way out of your depth here, with all that’s happened, and you won’t admit it.

  ‘I’m sorry, Lauren,’ says Emma, touching my arm.

  ‘Hey, it doesn’t matter.’ The words come out of my mouth but I hadn’t actually thought of them. I certainly don’t mean them.

  ‘No, of course it doesn’t matter,’ says Alexander so carefully I’m shaking inside. I’m also mad as hell at him, but me shouting won’t help anyone now, least of all Emma, who has crossed to Alexander and put her arms around him.

  ‘You’re angry. I’m sorry. I thought he loved me,’ she says intent on her brother’s face. I have the feeling that I’ve suddenly turned into the villain, that I’ve been shut out by the Hunts.

  Alexander holds her. ‘I’m sure he was very convincing. Did he give any reason why he decided to upset you like this?’

  ‘He … he said … I was too young and it was too much hassle sneaking around behind people’s backs. He said he wasn’t prepared to act like a guilty schoolboy and that maybe you were right; he was too old for me. So, you see, you got your way in the end. You win, Alex, like you always do.’

  ‘Winning was never the aim, Emma. Protecting you was.’

  ‘But I don’t need protecting and please, don’t blame Lauren. She tried to tell me not to see him; she said you’d be like this.’

  ‘Did she really? What a shame she didn’t think it would be a good idea to share her thoughts and opinions with me.’

  Emma lets go of him and scoots backwards. ‘Because you’d kick off like this, just like Daddy. I bet Mummy would have let me see him; I know she’d have been more reasonable.’

  ‘I can see you’re upset and, despite what you may think, I do have some sympathy with you. I’m not some robot who has no feelings, but you have no idea what our mother would have thought or done. I can tell you now she’d have been fucking horrified to see you wasting your life on Favell and being found drunk in the street.’

  ‘Maybe she would be here now if you hadn’t been screaming at me in the back of the car. I do remember that bit!’ Emma shrieks. ‘She told you to stop teasing me and act your age. She looked round at us to shout at you and that’s why she hit the tree. It was your fault. Daddy said it and he was right.’

  Alexander’s face is stony and I can’t bear to watch them throwing accusations like this at each other. It’s like a shutter has come down in Alexander and he can’t be reached, even if either of us wanted to. ‘Go to bed, if you like,’ he says coldly. ‘Go back out on the streets if you want. Do whatever you like.’

  She rushes out of the room, crying. I have seen Alexander close to tears once this year and now I see it again. No matter how angry I am at being blamed for this mess, I also feel sorry for him. Sorry for them all, and glad I was born where I was, to my parents, not theirs. I stay, knowing there’s nothing I can, should or want to do, but I try. I reach out to touch his arm, knowing I’m approaching a wounded tiger.

  ‘Alexander …’

  ‘Just leave me alone.’

  I did leave him alone. I went up to bed but I can’t say I slept much, with Emma crying down the hallway and Alexander pacing about downstairs. I feel as if I’ve been awake all night but each time I checked the clock at the side of the bed, the hands had leaped forward a little more, so I guess I have dozed, or dreamed or something. What I do know is that Alexander hasn’t joined me and that the first light of dawn is starting to wash the wall with a blue light.

  I pull on a robe and make my way downstairs. There’s no sign of life so I make a pot of coffee and sit at the table. A while later, I hear the front door open and someone – it must be Alexander – walks into the kitchen. His T-shirt has an upturned ‘V’ of perspiration and he’s breathing heavily. He walks right past me without sparing me a glance, takes a glass from the cupboard and fills it with water. He drinks it straight down and then refills it, all as if I am invisible.

  I knew it would be bad, but not like this. He has wiped me from the face of the earth.

  ‘You’re going to have to talk to me some time,’ I say as he wipes the back of his mouth with his hand.

  He rinses out the glass and places it upturned on the drainer.

  ‘I’m sorry, Alexander. I really struggled with not telling you and perhaps I made the wrong call, but at the time I thought it was more important that she had one person she could be honest with, and who she could turn to. I hoped it would blow over and you would never need to know,’ I add, feebly, desperately hoping for any kind of reaction from him.

  He stands at the sink, gripping the edge of the countertop either side. Anger bubbles up inside me and I abandon my coffee mug on the table.

  ‘That ti
me I found the receipt for the pregnancy test at Falconbury. That wasn’t your test, was it?’ He directs this question to the window above the sink. The sun has started to creep above the garden wall. It’s a glorious spring morning, dew sparkling on the bushes and cobwebs. Perfect.

  My palms are moist, my pulse spikes but the one thing I cannot do is lie. ‘No.’

  His face is like stone, and his eyes are twin ice chips. ‘I see.’ He turns away from the sink and starts to walk towards the kitchen door. Whatever I expected when he found out, it wasn’t this: I have been blanked, wiped from his radar, shut out.

  ‘I don’t think you see quite how impossible a position I was in,’ I plead.

  He stops and, finally, he faces me, although I may as well not be in his sightline. He has already worked out his response to last night’s events and his strategy is to refuse to engage. There will be no negotiation, but I won’t stand for it.

  ‘On the contrary, I see it all. You knew Emma was sleeping with a man ten years older, who actually went to her school to shag her, and who is a gold-digging piece of shit. And yet you decided not to inform me of this fact.’

  ‘It’s not that simple, and you know it.’

  ‘It looks simple to me. You’re the one who’s keeping secrets now. And now I have to go away when I really don’t feel comfortable leaving either of you. You knew she was – and probably still is – seeing this bastard and yet you didn’t tell me. Why?’

  ‘Because you would have killed him, because Emma begged me not to because of your reaction, because she trusted me and she clearly thinks she has no one else to trust.’

  ‘That all sounds so reasonable, Lauren, except for one thing. I trusted you, more than anyone else. Clearly, I was deluded.’

  Deluded? I’m not taking that. I’ve tried to apologize and explain but he won’t listen to any kind of reason. ‘This isn’t about Emma, is it? It’s about you and … the pressure you have on your shoulders, the invincible Alexander Hunt. I risked my studies for you, I gave you my time and my nights and my sympathy and my body. I tried to protect your sister and help her when no one else would and you seem to think I’ve betrayed you. Well, you know what? I want to live my life. I want to spend what’s left of my time here enjoying myself, living my own life, dealing with my own screw-ups, not trying to solve yours.’