by Mia Archer
This was terrible, but I could make it a lot less terrible for her. Or I could try, at least.
“That’s okay,” Alyssa said. She gave my hand a squeeze and smiled at me. “I’m just going to have to fight this and win. I’ve found that I have a whole lot to live for.”
I smiled and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. I figured that was chaste enough for the purposes of being right in front of her mother and a doctor, but her mom still sniffed as though we’d just started making out in front of her. I could tell she was going to be trouble, but any trouble would come from her and not from me.
Still, I could see that there was trouble on the horizon. I just hoped it wasn’t bad. I mean bad in addition to the already bad news that my girlfriend had cancer. That was already pretty bad.
Alyssa squeezed my hand again and I felt warm and fuzzy inside. No, no matter how bad it got I would be there for her. I squeezed right back and hoped that communicated everything it needed to. From the way she smiled it felt like she got the message loud and clear.
“Right, well that pretty much covers everything that I needed to go over with you right now. We’ll be getting started on some of those treatments as soon as possible, but I wanted to give you a little bit of time to sit and process everything that just happened. I know it can be a lot,” the doctor said.
Alyssa smiled and gave him a little wave. “That’s fine. You go do what you have to do. I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot to talk about in here.”
I leaned back in my own seat but kept my hand in hers. Damn this chair was uncomfortable. And I still had to pee. I looked across the room towards Alyssa’s mom and resolved that I really wasn’t going to leave now no matter how uncomfortable it got. That was the look of a woman who was planning on starting something as soon as she could.
The doctor stood and left. Alyssa looked between the two of us and smiled.
“Given everything we just heard, mother, I’m sure you agree that what I really need is someone who can help me out and keep me calm, right?”
“I suppose,” her mom said, her voice short and clipped.
“Right. Well Sarah is that for me. I need a nap right now, and when I wake up I fully expect Sarah to still be here. Got it?”
“Yes,” her mom said.
Alyssa smiled again and leaned back in her bed. She closed her eyes and a moment later her chest was rising and falling with the steady breath of a person deep in sleep. Not that I could blame her. She’d been through a lot, and if she really did have leukemia then I’m sure that was taking a hell of a lot out of her. It was a miracle she was able to go as hard as she had for as long as she had.
Now that she was asleep I figured it was also safe to have a candid conversation with her mom. I looked up at her and forced myself to smile. It was difficult, but we were going to have to learn to get along for Alyssa.
“I want you to know that whatever happened between us before, I’m perfectly willing to play nice. If not for us then for Alyssa’s sake,” I said.
I thought that was more than fair. This crazy bitch had hated me from day one and I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. And she continued right on proving that she hadn’t changed with a sniff and a glare that could’ve bored a hole in solid steel armor.
“We’ll see about that,” she said.
Okay. Whatever. You want to be a crazy bitch, be a crazy bitch, but I’m going to be sunshine and fucking rainbows because that’s what Alyssa needed. I figured it was a testament to how upset I was that I was swearing in my internal monologue.
Reluctantly I let go of Alyssa’s hand and stood to stretch. She’d just made it clear I was welcome in here no matter what and I really had to pee. I could go now safe and secure in the knowledge that I’d always be welcome in this room.
And her mom could suck it if she thought she was going to stop me.
23: Exhausted
Alyssa:
“I’m so worried.”
Sarah leaned forward and patted my hand. I smiled, but it didn’t last for long. Looking down at my hand was a reminder of what I was going through here with all the wires and everything running all over me.
“You’re going to be just fine. You heard what the doctor said. You’re in a really good place,” she said.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I know I tried to be all sunshine and rainbows back there, but that was mostly for my mom.”
I took a deep breath. Let it out in an attempt to chase away the shivers that threatened every time I thought about what I was going through. I told myself the deep breaths helped, but I wasn’t sure how true that was.
“Come on Alyssa,” Sarah said. “You’re going to be fine. You take your medicine like the doctor asks and then you’re good as new and you’ll be back at school before you know it!”
I shook my head. I was so glad my mom wasn’t in here right now. I could finally let loose with everything that was bothering me for the first time since this avalanche of bad stuff hit me. It was ridiculous that I had to act strong for my mom rather than the other way around because I was afraid of her reaction.
“You don’t understand Sarah,” I said. “This isn’t just taking medicine. Talking to the doctor it sounds like they’re basically giving my body poison and hoping it kills the cancer before it kills me. Does that sound like just taking my medicine?”
Sarah blinked. Obviously she hadn’t thought of it like that. I’d thought about it. A lot. This whole situation sucked. My body was betraying me on the inside and the drugs they were going to use were going to make me feel more sick in the short term even if they might make me feel better in the long run.
I hated it. I hated everything. It wasn’t fair!
I took another deep breath. Let it out. No. I wasn’t going to go there. I wasn’t going to let darkness and despair take over. I was going to be positive about this and get through it, damn it. Even if I did continually worry over worst case scenarios.
Speaking of the worst case…
“How’s practice going?” I asked.
Sarah paused for a moment. “I suppose it’s okay. Everyone is asking about you. I keep them updated. Coach wanted me to tell you that there’s a spot waiting for you when you’ve beat this.”
I sighed. “Is there a spot waiting for me when I’ve beat this?”
Sarah frowned. “What are you talking about? You’re on the team! You’re going to be one of the best swimmers this school has ever seen. Why wouldn’t there be a spot waiting for you when you get better?”
“What if I’m not one of the best swimmers this school has ever seen by the time they get done with me? This is going to hurt me, a lot. What if I lose it and I don’t get it back?”
“You’re being crazy Alyssa,” Sarah said.
“Am I? Even if the medicine they’re poisoning me with doesn’t do it I’m going to be out of the pool for a long time. That’s a long time to recover. I’ve never been out of the pool that long in my entire life. Ever.”
Sarah patted my hand again. “I know you’re worried, but you shouldn’t be. Coach said they’re saving a spot for you on the team and that’s that. They’ll work with you to make sure you’re back to normal in no time.”
“What about my scholarship? If I lose that…”
I didn’t want to think about that. If I lost that then I’d have to go home. I’d have to go to community college while living with my parents. I wasn’t sure I could deal with that after the taste of freedom I’d gotten this summer and fall.
Sarah leaned back and grinned. “You don’t need to worry about that. You always come out on top and I’m always going to be here for you.”
I felt good hearing her say that. I leaned back and closed my eyes a bit.
“This has been a crazy ride we’ve been on, hasn’t it?”
“We have. I never would’ve thought when I went to those sectionals that all this would happen,” Sarah said. “Funny how life works out sometimes, isn’t it?”
“Yup. De
finitely funny,” I replied. “I was so surprised when you came to the state meet. I figured you would hate my guts for, y’know…”
I couldn’t see Sarah, but I felt her reach out and trace a finger up and down the length of my hand. That felt good. I smiled. A girl could get used to something like that. Not to mention that with the lack of contact lately that simple stroke of her finger along the top of my hand was enough to really get my attention!
“Maybe I was mad for a little while,” she said. “But I realized pretty quick that I couldn’t get you out of my head and I had to do something about it.”
“I’m glad you did,” I said. I paused and thought for a moment. A dark thought that had occurred to me a couple of times since I got this news suddenly flitted through my brain and right out my mouth. “Y’know I sometimes wonder if maybe this is some sort of karmic balance or something. I felt like things were going too good.”
“Don’t you ever think like that,” Sarah said. “That’s not the way the world works and you know it.”
“I guess I do,” I said.
I was starting to feel tired. It was getting more and more difficult to hang on. I was so tired. Maybe when they started me on the treatment I’d actually be able to stay awake for more than a half hour here and there.
I felt someone come into the room. It was my mom’s shift right now. Weird how I’d come to think of it as the two of them taking shifts, but it seemed like the two of them were never in the room at the same time. I might think there was something to that if my brain wasn’t so clouded all the time.
She walked in and looked at the two of us sitting there hand in hand. She scowled and turned right back around. I didn’t have the energy to roll my eyes, but the temptation was there. She’d done this a couple of times now.
“Mom, you can stay you know. You’re not going to spend much time in here if you leave every time you see me and Sarah together.”
“That’s fine honey,” she said. “You have fun with your friend there. I’ll be down the hall if you need me.”
I let out a growl as she left. I didn’t care if she heard me. She’d been like this ever since we got the news. Talking about Sarah as though she was just a friend. Pointedly ignoring the fact that we were an item. It was frustrating.
“Nice to see she’s still keeping an open mind,” Sarah said.
“She’s always been a lot to deal with,” I said. “I never would’ve expected her to act like this though.”
“I could always leave if that’s what you want,” Sarah said.
“No! Not a chance,” I said. “If having a potentially life threatening disease has taught me anything it’s how to not give a fuck. I’m not letting her chase you away.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Sarah said. “I keep worrying that I’m going to come in here and you won’t want me around anymore for some reason.”
“That’s crazy. You’re my favorite person in the world. There’s no way I wouldn’t want you around.”
I leaned back in the bed again. It was so tempting to slip into unconsciousness. At least there I didn’t have to worry about how exhausted I felt. It was so unlike what I was used to. I was used to being strong. I was used to being at the top of my game. I was used to being a champion swimmer.
Now here I was confined to a bed, but at least I had Sarah with me. I started stroking her hand. Somewhere between our downer conversation and my mom coming in and being her usual bubbly self Sarah had stopped stroking my hand, and I didn’t really want her to stop.
We sat like that in silence for a stretch of time. I wasn’t sure quite how long it lasted. Sometimes I went in and out of sleep and it made it difficult to tell exactly how much time had passed. Time passing. Something occurred to me.
“How are you here all the time and still going to your classes and swim practice?”
Sarah shrugged. “I’m still going. I just try my best to get over here whenever I can. The hospital is close to campus and you’re usually asleep when I get here.”
“Sleep,” I said. “That sounds nice. I might take a little nap.”
“You go right ahead if that’s what you need,” Sarah said. “You could use all the rest you can get.”
I was drifting into unconsciousness when someone came into the room again. I hoped it was my dad this time. It wasn’t quite time for his shift to start, but he was always a lot nicer to Sarah than mom was for some reason.
I opened my eyes and blinked in confusion. It wasn’t my dad or my mom. It was some new lady I didn’t recognize wearing scrubs.
“Who are you?” I asked.
She had a tray in front of her that had all sorts of weird medicine on it. She glanced over to Sarah and then to me. Smiled when she saw us holding hands.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said. “But I’m here to start you on your medicine and I’m afraid I need to clear the room. I’m sure your friend can come back as soon as we’re done.”
“Actually I need to head back to campus for afternoon practice anyways,” Sarah said.
She pulled her hand away and I whimpered. I didn’t want her to leave. Especially with this strange woman in here giving me medicine that I knew was going to make me miserable. I’d been reading up on treatments on my phone and none of it sounded very fun.
Not that there was anything fun about cancer. I was too old to get a free trip to Disney or anything like that.
“Promise you’ll be back later tonight?” I asked.
Sarah grinned and leaned down to kiss my forehead. I would’ve preferred a real kiss, but I was also conscious of the nurse watching us and figured it might be best not to rock the boat with too much PDA. I guess I could be thankful that I was more worried about people being upset about PDA and less concerned about them reacting negatively to the whole gay thing.
“You’re going to do awesome Alyssa,” Sarah said. “And I promise I’ll be right back here after practice.”
“I’ll see you then,” I replied.
I felt a sense of loss as she walked out of the room. I watched until she disappeared down the hall. For some reason I had a sense of foreboding. As though that was going to be the last time I saw Sarah.
That was ridiculous, of course. It’s not like I was going under the knife or anything. I shook my head and turned to face the nurse.
“Okay then,” I said. “Do your worst.”
The nurse smiled. A sad smile that didn’t make me feel any better. “You’re joking, but you might be surprised how close that is to the truth by the time you’re done. I promise it’s all worth it though.”
Damn. So much for being funny in the face of danger. I just hoped this wasn’t as bad as everything I’d read online led me to believe it was.
I really wished Sarah didn’t have to go to that stupid practice. I could use her backing me up right about now.
24: Denied
Sarah:
I stared at all the available options in the vending machine. I hadn’t had time to get a proper dinner on my way back from practice and I needed some calories in me now to make up for the giant gnawing hole in my stomach that always came from swimming more yards in a couple of hours than most people did in a whole year.
I finally settled on a candy bar. Sure Coach would kill me if he could see my food choices, but it was calorie dense and he wasn’t here in the hospital so I didn’t care.
I turned to leave and stopped when I saw Alyssa’s dad step into the vending lounge. He paused and there was an awkward moment where I wasn’t sure what to say to the guy. Sure we’d come to that truce on move-in day, but who knew what had happened since then. He was married to Alyssa’s mom, after all. She’d had plenty of time to work on him.
Was he friend or foe?
“Hi,” he said with a sheepish smile.
“Hi yourself,” I replied, still cautious.
“How’s Alyssa doing?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I went in there right after they gave her all that med
icine. So many pills. Not sure what they did to her, but she was out like a light and has been asleep ever since.”
I sighed in relief. “I guess that’s a good thing. She was worried about the medicine making her feel like crap. If she’s asleep then she can’t feel anything.”
“I suppose,” he said. “Her mother is in there watching her right now.”
I rolled my eyes. “Great. That’s going to be a joy dealing with her while Alyssa’s asleep.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, makes me glad…”
He stopped and looked up at me sharply. He’d just given something away. Then it all clicked into place. The way they’d been avoiding being in the same room at the same time even if they were trying to be there for their daughter.
“You two separated, didn’t you?” I asked.
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” he said.
“Yeah? Looks like you’re not the only one who can use your mind tricks to figure things out! When did that happen? Congratulations?”
He sat down on a chair and sighed. “It actually happened about a week after we dropped Alyssa off at school. Tiffany was on one of her rants and something snapped. I realized I didn’t have to put up with it anymore and that was that.”
“Damn,” I breathed out. “Must be nice that you can get away like that. Seems like I’m stuck with her.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, you don’t have to be around her all the time. Be thankful for that. Now that Alyssa is out of the house it just seemed silly to stick around any longer.”
“But you haven’t told Alyssa? That’s a long time for the two of you to be split. I’m pretty sure she would’ve said something to me if she knew.”
“We decided not to tell her at first because we didn’t want it to mess with her swimming,” he said.
“You mean your ex didn’t want it to worry her?” I asked.
He grinned. “Something like that. Then this happened and it just didn’t seem like the time to bring up all that nastiness. So we didn’t.”
“Fair enough,” I said. “She’s going to find out sometime though. That’s not going to be pretty. I had friends who freaked out when their parents split when they were young. Can’t imagine what that’s going to feel like all grown up.”