by Mia Archer
“Yeah, well if Tiffany had her way Alyssa would never find out. We’d be pretending to be together for holidays for the rest of our lives,” he said with a snort. “As though there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening.”
“Why does that not surprise me coming from her?” I asked.
“She has a certain way of looking at the world,” he said. “You shouldn’t take everything she says personally though. She’s having trouble getting used to the idea of Alyssa being out there in the world. I think she’ll come around eventually.”
I made a noise that wasn’t exactly agreement or disagreement. I didn’t think it was likely at all that Tiffany was going to come around, but I also figured now wasn’t the time or the place.
“Well I should probably head over there and face your ex,” I said. “I’d like to make sure Alyssa is okay. Luckily I brought lots of homework if she’s still out.”
“Good. You do that. I’ll be around a little later and talk with you then,” he said.
I felt a little better as I made my way down the hall towards Alyssa’s room. It was nice to know I had the support of at least one parent. It was also nice to know that Alyssa wouldn’t necessarily have to stay under the same roof as her mom if she did have to go back home. I didn’t want to think about that. I’d tried to be reassuring when she was worried she might get kicked off the team, but there was a part of me that worried about what kind of future she’d have in swimming if she was out for too long.
I pushed those thoughts aside as I stepped into her room. She had enough worries without me doing that on her behalf. Everything would be fine. Even if it didn’t look like it.
My heart leapt when I saw Alyssa. She was the same old Alyssa, but she looked so fragile and peaceful asleep on the bed with all those wires hooked up to her beeping and giving off information that I couldn’t understand. Her breathing was a slow and steady rhythm that went in time with some beeping machine that was probably tracking her breathing.
Her mom was at the edge of the bed in the seat I preferred, holding her hand. That wasn’t a big deal though. The lady was her mother, after all. It’s not like I should monopolize all her time. Instead I set my book bag down on a chair on the other end of the room. I’d do some homework unless Alyssa showed signs of waking up.
“What do you think you’re doing in here?”
I looked up in surprise. Her mom was staring straight at me, and that was not a friendly look on her face.
“I told Alyssa I’d be here tonight, so here I am. Remember what she said about wanting me around?” I asked.
I was on the defensive. I didn’t like being on the defensive. It felt like she somehow had the upper hand.
Tiffany stood and moved across the room. Stalked across the room is more like it. If she was a cat her tail would be lashing. Her eyes were pure fire as she stared down at me. She got good and close and hissed, but she might as well be shouting at me. It was obvious she was trying not to wake Alyssa.
“Alyssa is obviously confused and she doesn’t know what she wants,” Tiffany hissed. “The best thing for her right now is to avoid all that confusion. You need to leave, now.”
Oh hell no. She was not doing this to me. Not after Alyssa made it damn clear that she wanted me around.
“There’s not a chance that’s happening,” I said. “You might not like that I’m with your daughter, but I am and she wants me here. I’m not budging from this seat.”
She leaned in even closer. A smile spread across her face, but it was in no way a pleasant smile. No, that was the sort of smile I figured you’d see on a shark right before it chomped down on a delicious fish in its sights.
“That’s the thing. If I tell you to budge from that seat then you’re budging young lady. You’re not family, Alyssa’s going to be out for awhile, and that means she doesn’t have any say on who comes into this room. I do,” she said. “Now I’m going to tell you one more time. I think it would be best if you leave before I have to contact hospital security and make sure you leave. Do we understand one another.”
I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even know if she could follow through on that threat, but it seemed plausible. I wasn’t related to Alyssa. I was just the girlfriend. Even if she was just spewing bullshit, though, there was a good chance she was going to cause a scene and that was the last thing Alyssa needed to wake up to.
I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. That I’d just come back later and make sure her dad was in the room. That was safe enough. I could zip in, see her, then zip back out again before her mom showed up. In the meantime I did have lots of homework to catch up on.
I glared up at her. She was going to see this as a win. Maybe it was a win for her. It certainly felt like a loss for me.
“This isn’t over,” I said. “Alyssa’s going to wake up and she’s going to ask about me.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” she replied. “If I have anything to do with it you won’t get to see my daughter until this is all over, and maybe not even then.”
I balled my hand into a fist and that’s when I knew it was really time for me to get the heck out of here. Alyssa didn’t need to wake up to her mother and her girlfriend getting into a shouting match, and she definitely didn’t need to wake up to the two of us punching each other in the hospital.
That would be a surefire way for both of us to get kicked out. Maybe for good. So I’d be the bigger person here. Funny that the college kid was acting more adult than the adult in the room. If that’s what it took to keep the peace, though.
I stopped for one last look at Alyssa. She stirred and for a moment I dared to hope that she might be waking up, but she didn’t. She settled back down with a cute smile on her face. I memorized that look. With the crazy lady guarding her I wasn’t sure when I’d get to see that beautiful face smiling like that again.
I glared at her one last time. I wanted that glare to communicate that this was far from over. I would be back. Judging by the triumphant smile on her face it seemed she disagreed, but whatever.
I stepped out into the hall and took in a deep breath. Let it out long and slow. It was a relaxation technique I learned from my high school coach and it helped me out in any high stress situation. Not only when I was getting ready for a touch race. Ironically the only time I’d really felt like using the technique before a race was when I was about to face down Alyssa in the pool.
On the way out I stopped by the nurse’s station. The lady there, a pretty blonde who couldn’t be more than a few years older than me, smiled.
“Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I was just wondering about visiting policy,” I said.
“What’s the question?”
“If the patient is incapacitated for some reason can the family control who comes in and out of their room?”
The lady’s smile grew even brighter for some reason. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
“Certainly! The policy is family only without permission from the patient or from the family of the patient if they’re not available. If you have someone you want restricted from the floor just let us know and we’ll have security keep an eye out.”
“Really? There’s not some regulation or something saying anyone can visit if they want?”
“Oh there have been a few guidelines handed down, but only for Medicare or Medicaid hospitals and this one doesn’t accept either. I did a paper on it in school and it’s actually very…”
I held a hand up to stop her. I was sure her paper was very interesting, but I didn’t really want to go into that right now. All I could do was reel at my continually shifting circumstances. Why did it feel like they were never shifting for the better lately?
No, I wasn’t going to think like that. No matter what happened I was still better off than poor Alyssa in there on who knows what medication hooked up to all those machines. I’d get in there to see her. This was just a temporary setback.
“Thanks,”
I muttered, then I turned and walked out of the hospital. I tried to tell myself I was doing the right thing by not causing a scene, but I couldn’t help but think that it was a mistake.
25: Awake
Alyssa:
I blinked. Light streamed in and it was almost too much for me to take. How could there be that much light? Why weren’t my eyes adjusting?
“Sarah?”
I felt a hand grab my own. Give it a squeeze. I felt better already knowing she was there. I kept my eyes closed for a moment. Whatever that medicine was they gave me, it made me feel like I’d fallen down a few flights of stairs and then had the crap kicked out of me at the end for good measure.
It also apparently did something to my eyes to royally screw up my vision.
“It’s okay honey. Mommy’s here.”
My eyes shot open and I immediately regretted it. Light flooded in and it was like an ice pick right to the brain. Or what I imagined an ice pick right to the brain might feel like. Admittedly I didn’t have much firsthand experience with that sort of thing, which was a good thing.
“Mom? What are you doing here?”
I looked around the room. Everything was sort of blurry and fuzzy. As though my brain was having trouble putting together a complete picture of everything. I searched for a blob that looked like Sarah, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found in the room.
“Where’s Sarah?” I asked.
I looked over to my mom. She had a concerned look on her face. A look I recognized all too well from all the times she sat by my bed growing up when she thought I was sick. It would’ve been something that brought back good memories, only she had a habit of sitting by my bed like I was on the edge of death if I just sneezed.
“Sarah isn’t here right now darling,” she said, still trying to sound syrupy and sweet. Like the perfect mother she always thought she was. I knew the other mom was lurking just under the surface though.
“Come on mom. Where is she? She said she wasn’t going to leave. Did she go down to get food or something? Is she back at the dorms for the night?”
I had a hard time believing she’d be back at the dorms for the night. She’d slept in this room a couple of times, getting up in the morning to trudge from the hospital to campus so she could go to practice in the morning. I knew it had to be taking a lot out of her, but it made me feel so safe and secure knowing she was near.
I watched my mom closely as she responded. My vision was starting to come into sharper focus, and so I saw it. The real mom shone through for a moment. An annoyed glance when I mentioned Sarah again.
I suddenly had more than a sneaking suspicion that mom did something.
“What did you say to Sarah?” I asked. I didn’t bother hiding the anger, heat, and accusation from my voice. “I swear if you…”
“Oh honey,” mom said, her face suddenly so sad. That took me back for a moment. Syrupy sweet I could deal with. Angry I could deal with. Talking about what a wonderful mother she was I could understand because that’s what she always did.
This was something completely different though. This seemed like genuine sadness. Why would she look like that? I’d never seen that before, and a show of what looked like genuine emotion threw me for a loop.
“What’s wrong mom?” I asked.
“Sarah couldn’t take it,” she said, reaching out to pat my hand again. “I’ll admit I didn’t try to get her to stay or anything, but she was the one who said she couldn’t handle all of this. You in the hospital, being sick, everything.”
“I don’t believe you,” I said. “I don’t believe it. Sarah wouldn’t do that to me. I want to talk to Sarah!”
“Honey, I know we’ve disagreed about things lately, but do you really think I’d lie to you about something like that?”
I didn’t know what to think. I blinked back tears that were threatening to break free. I needed to talk to Sarah in person. Everything would be okay if we could hash things out. I’d let her know that I understood if she had to go live her life and not be here all the time. I’d been so selfish wanting her here with me all the time and now it was too much and she was gone.
I was confused. I was still feeling the effects of whatever they had me on. Everything was confused. Thoughts were flashing through my mind at the speed of molasses and I was having trouble piecing everything together.
And below the panic, below the worry, there was another overriding emotion threatening to overwhelm me. Exhaustion. My body felt ready to give out. This was all too much for me. The disease, the medicine, dealing with my mom.
“Don’t you think it would be best if you focused on your recovery for right now?” mom asked. “Once you’re out of here and back to normal you can go talk to that girl if that’s what you really want. I still think you should give some nice boy a try though. Make sure that’s what you really want.”
I opened my mouth to tell her in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t a chance I was going to be interested in a boy. I’d made my decision when I got with Sarah, but it’s not like Sarah was the only girl for me. Boys didn’t do anything.
It was hard to put words to those thoughts though. Especially when everything was so difficult to say. So instead I rested my head on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. The lights up there seemed to dance and sparkle. Whatever they gave me, it was playing hell with my vision.
“Sarah wouldn’t abandon me like that,” I whispered.
I wasn’t sure if it even came out. I wasn’t sure if my mom would care if it did come out. It was an affirmation though. I didn’t believe my mom. I refused to believe my mom. Sarah said she would be there for me, and she wouldn’t go back on that promise without telling me about it.
I hoped.
Everything was hazy. Darkness threatened to close in all around me. It was tempting, that darkness. I was also a little afraid. I had a disease that killed people, after all, and when you had something like that there was always the worry in the back of my mind that the next time I closed my eyes would be the last.
That was silly though. The doctors would let me know if things were that bad.
I felt someone move in close to me. My heart leapt. Sarah was here. She’d come after all. I opened my eyes again and turned to look at her and saw my mom staring down at me instead. I frowned. I didn’t want my mom sitting there holding my hand. I wanted Sarah, damn it! Maybe if I thought that hard enough the universe would deliver.
“Come now my love,” mom said. “You don’t need that girl right now. What you really need is your mom to take care of you in your time of need. Doesn’t that sound nice honey?”
What sounded nice was having Sarah next to me making sure everything was okay. Sarah sitting next to me reading one of her books and occasionally laughing about something that I’d never understand because you had to have a bunch of context about old dead people and their writing to get the joke, but I always laughed along because it made her feel good. I wanted Sarah to cuddle up to me in this bed while we watched some cheesy old romance movie.
I didn’t even care that we couldn’t do what we usually did at the end of a cheesy old romance movie with all these wires and whatnot in the way.
Only none of that was happening. I just had my mom here. Lying to me.
I fell back and drifted into the darkness. Darkness that held bad dreams where Sarah shook her head as though she was disappointed in me for some reason and then she turned and walked away. Bad dreams where Sarah was with another girl laughing and having a grand old time because her new girlfriend wasn’t stuck in a hospital bed fighting for her life which was inconvenient for her social life.
Bad dreams where my mom and Sarah got into an argument and my mom threatened to call hospital security. For some reason that one was the most realistic one of all. As though I’d somehow been there and seen all of this and now my mind was replaying it for me over and over again for some reason.
I woke up in a cold sweat several times through the night after one of those
dreams, but there was no Sarah. Sometimes dad was there, but mom was always right there beside me either sleeping in her chair or reading a book. I guess they weren’t doing shifts anymore.
I shook my head as I faded back into unconsciousness. Something was going on here, but Sarah would come and see me. I just knew it. Mom was wrong. Mom didn’t understand.
Sarah wouldn’t abandon me. Especially right now.
Part 4: Winter
26: Barred Entry
Sarah:
I paced outside the front of the hospital. People were gathered out here in the nice evening taking in the weather. A little farther out from the entrance there were a few people sneaking smokes, the orange glow from the tips of their cigarettes lighting up the night like cancerous fireflies.
It made me sick. After seeing what Alyssa was going through I couldn’t imagine someone voluntarily doing something that could make them that sick. They just didn’t understand what they were doing to themselves.
I looked up at the hospital. She was up there. Undergoing chemotherapy according to Coach. He’d visited her a couple of times a week since she went into the hospital and he was keeping me up to date now that he’d heard I wasn’t allowed in the room.
He’d even brought it up with Tiffany once, but he told me he nearly got kicked out of the room for daring to breath my name. So much for having him do an intervention.
I needed to be up there. I needed to be with her. I needed to hold her hand and tell her everything was going to be all right. Who was going to reassure her that she still had a spot on the team no matter what?
Well I guess Coach could probably do that, but still. I ached to see her. It had been two weeks now and it was killing me. For some reason she hadn’t even been answering her texts. It was like every message I sent her went into a black hole.