by Mia Archer
She glanced towards the door. No doubt she was thinking of the doctors and the nurses out there. They were a little more frosty towards her these days. I got the impression she was on thin ice with the hospital staff for some reason, and I was starting to wonder how many of those bad dreams I had where she was yelling at somebody and trying to kick them out of my room were actually bad dreams and how much of it was her actually throwing people out and me chalking it up to a medicated fever dream because I didn’t think she would actually be that crazy.
I should’ve known better.
Dad, for a surprise, backed down this time. I smiled. That was good that him backing down was the surprise. Especially after he’d spent most of his life letting mom walk all over him. He turned to me and winked when he thought mom couldn’t see, and then he gestured towards the door.
“After you my dear,” he said to my mom in a mocking tone.
“Don’t call me that!” she said.
They walked out with mom stalking out in front of dad. Once more I thought I caught a flicker of movement out there, but I couldn’t be sure. Besides, with everything I was on it’s not like this would be the first time I was seeing things. When dad reached the door he turned and winked at me one final time and disappeared, going the opposite direction from that flicker of movement I kept seeing.
I held my breath. I didn’t dare hope that was actually Sarah, and yet that’s exactly what I was hoping for. I knew with certainty she was out there. That she was going to sneak in here at any moment. And sure enough a moment later I saw a familiar smile peeking around the door and glancing down the hall following the receding argument between mom and dad.
Finally she stepped into the room. Paused for a moment and looked around as though she couldn’t quite believe this was actually happening. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. It had been so long. I’d missed her so much.
“Hey there,” I said.
“Hey yourself,” Sarah replied.
Sarah rushed around the bed and wrapped me in a huge hug. I felt a little bit of pain from her pressing against my body, but for once I didn’t care. No, I wrapped my arms around her and reveled in feeling her against me once more.
Damn I’d missed this. I missed her smell. Her feel. And as her lips pressed against mine I realized how much I’d missed her taste. I missed everything about Sarah. It had been too damn long. The weeks had run together while they were treating me pretty aggressively, I was constantly going in and out of consciousness, but the one thing more painful than all the medicine and treatments was not having Sarah around to smile. To put her hand on mine. To comfort me in that special way only she could. To say something funny that let me know everything was going to be all right.
And now that emptiness was gone. She here, finally, in front of me in the flesh. It seemed impossible, and yet here she was. I felt like everything was right in the world. It was a good feeling after all the bullshit I’d been dealing with every time I rejoined the waking world.
“What took you so long?” I asked.
Sarah glanced at the door again and rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t believe what happened while you were sleeping. I actually got escorted out of here by security once for trying to come to your room!”
My eyes went wide. So I was right. Some of those fever dreams hadn’t been fever dreams at all. I’d been witnessing my mom going completely batshit crazy and kicking Sarah out for real. It was hard to believe, and yet here was the evidence right in front of me. Here was Sarah telling me exactly what my mom had done.
I was way more likely to believe Sarah than I was to believe my mom at this point.
I felt a tear trickle down the side of my face. Sarah reached out to wipe it away and I let out a half laugh, half sob.
“What’s wrong Alyssa?” she asked, her voice so soft and quiet.
I didn’t deserve that. She should be furious with me. I was furious with me! “I’m so sorry. I tried to stay awake. I tried to tell her I wanted you in here, but she was always trying to make me forget that you even existed. It was… It was evil.”
Sarah sat down in the chair that had been recently vacated by my mother. She took my hand and gave it a long squeeze.
“It’s okay. I’m here now, and that’s what matters.”
I returned the squeeze. “That is what matters. I promise I’m never going to let something like that happen again. I’m done letting her try to control my life!”
“Don’t worry too much,” Sarah said. “After all, it turns out your dad is a pretty cool guy. He came through in a pinch. You have him to thank for me being in here right now.”
I giggled. That giggle felt good. I think that was the first time I’d giggled since this whole ordeal started. Of course it would be Sarah who finally got me to come out of the depressed shell I’d been in for so very long. I was still in that place a little bit, but now I saw a small ray of sunshine at least. That was something.
It was a hell of a lot better than the place I’d been before.
“Yeah, my dad is pretty cool like that,” I said.
I was so happy. I was so relieved. And yet at the same time I was so furious. I continued squeezing Sarah’s hand until she yelped and tried to pull away. It took a couple of yanks before she finally managed to break free.
“Whoa there,” she said. “It felt like you were about to rip my hand off! Did they put some super serum or something in those drugs they were giving you? Did the radiation give you super powers?”
I smiled sheepishly and a blush came to my face. “Sorry.” Then I stuck my tongue out at her. “And they didn’t give me radiation, smartass.
“Just checking. So you want to tell me what’s wrong that you’re trying to yank my hand off?” Sarah asked.
“I’m just so pissed off about what my mom did to you!”
“You and me both,” Sarah said. “But I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”
“No, that’s not all that matters,” I said.
I felt determination creeping into my voice. I was finally almost entirely me for the first time in a while. They’d been cutting back on the pain medication and I was starting to feel like the real me. That fog that had taken over my brain for so very long wasn’t there anymore. At least it was gone enough that I could string together a thought without getting completely distracted.
“I need to make sure nothing like this happens ever again,” I said. “I need my mom to know that what she tried to do with you is not cool. What she tried to do with my dad is not cool. I’m not going to live with her acting like this. Not anymore!”
“Damn,” Sarah said. “Whatever they did to you in here has changed you.”
I looked at her and frowned. “Is that a bad thing?”
“No, not at all,” Sarah said. “I kind of like this new you who doesn’t take any shit.”
“Good,” I said. “Because if getting a disease that could potentially kill me has taught me anything, it’s that life is short and you need to take care of shit now rather than later.”
I sighed and leaned back against the bed. Having this conversation with Sarah had taken a lot out of me, but there was still so much more to do. And it seemed that the universe wasn’t going to give me time to sit back and relax. No sooner had my head hit the pillow than I heard a familiar voice at the door to my hospital room.
“What is she doing in here?”
I opened my eyes and looked over to my mother. She looked furious. Her face was turning several different shades of red and I thought she might have a stroke right there. I could see a blood vessel pulsing on her forehead.
“I’m sitting here with my girlfriend mother,” I said. “Is there a problem with that?”
“There most certainly is a problem with that!” she shrieked. “I want you to stop holding her hand right now. This is not going to happen. You’re not dating a girl!”
And here we were with the yelling again. I closed my eyes for a moment. I felt the urge to go to
sleep. It was so tempting. All I would have to do is close my eyes and sink into unconsciousness and I’d be away from this, but I knew that if I did that then I’d wake up to a world I didn’t care for. A world where my mom got her way and Sarah was gone.
That was a world I didn’t want to wake up to. So I forced my eyes open. Locked them on mother. Stared her down until she looked away, but that didn’t stop her from trying to gain the upper hand.
“I’ll have security…”
I sighed. More of this. Well I wasn’t going to let this happen. It was time to take control. Time to follow dad’s example. It was time to start leading my life. Not the life she wanted for me.
30: Explosive
Alyssa:
I drew on every bit of a strength that I could muster. I forced myself to stare straight at my mother.
“Shut up,” I said.
She blinked. “What did you say?”
“I said you need to shut up mother,” I replied. “You’re done here. You’re done trying to live my life for me. You’re done telling me who I can hang out with and who I can date. You never had that right to begin with.”
“I am your mother,” she said, and she sounded indignant. Furious. But it was an impotent fury. I could see from the fear on her face that she could feel the situation spiraling out of control. Good.
“You are my mother,” I said. “But I’m an adult now. You being my mother doesn’t mean you get to dictate what happens in my life anymore. You never should’ve dictated what happened in my life.”
“I’m only trying to do what’s best for you dear,” mom said. “You just don’t understand. You’re confused by this girl.”
She darted a nasty looks towards Sarah. I sighed and I had to fight the urge to growl at her. I was trying to keep things peaceful. I was trying to keep this from really getting out of control. I didn’t want to get in the middle of a shouting match with my mom. I was going to be calm, rational, and civil.
I was going to be the adult in the room if she couldn’t be.
“I’m not confused mom,” I said. “Sarah is my girlfriend. We’re in love. I’m going to tell everyone at the hospital that she’s allowed to come and visit whenever she wants. You’re never going to be able to keep her from coming into my room ever again.”
“I won’t allow you to do this,” mother said.
I shook my head. “You really don’t get it, do you? It’s not your place to allow or disallow this. It’s happening whether you like it or not.”
Mother’s face screwed up in a look of pure rage. I thought she was on the verge of having a stroke earlier, but that was nothing compared to the pure fury on her face now. She raised a hand and pointed at me. I could sense something big was coming. That was the sort of look that usually only hit when she was about to really fly off the handle. She had a look that was both triumphant and terrifying as she made her next pronouncement.
“I could take you off of our insurance! Then where would you be?”
I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. I knew that she was a piece of work, but I never would have imagined she would stoop that low. That she would threaten to take me off of her insurance. That she would not allow me to get the life-saving medication that I needed.
“Would you really do that?” I asked. “Would you let your own daughter die to satisfy your anger?”
I never got an answer to that question. I suppose it was probably a question that I didn’t even want answered. That she’d even brought it up in the first place was proof enough that she wasn’t someone I wanted in my life. Not right now. Maybe not ever if she couldn’t get over this.
It was sad, but I really meant it when I told Sarah that life was too short. I wasn’t going to let her poison all the relationships around me.
Dad cleared his throat. Everyone in the room turned to look at him.
“Actually, your insurance is maintained through my job baby girl,” he said. “And I have no intention of ever dropping you. What kind of heartless person would even consider doing that to their child?”
His significant glance at mom spoke volumes.
“I only want what’s best for you,” she said in a quiet voice.
“And you think dying is what’s best for me?”
She seemed to deflate completely and utterly at that. All the fight went out of her in a single moment. She shook her head and I could hear the tears coming. Now that anger hadn’t worked, now that bullying us and pushing us around hadn’t worked, it was time for the guilt trip.
She was a piece of work. A source of stress that I didn’t need in my life right now. It broke my heart because I knew, in her own special fucked up way, she really was trying to do what she thought was best for me. The only problem was what was truly best for me and what she wanted were two very different things.
And what was best for me right now was not having her around.
“I think you should go mom. Now.”
She turned and stared in astonishment. “You don’t mean that. I’m your mother!”
“That’s right. You’re my mother and you should have supported me. Instead you made yourself out to be the bad guy here. So now I need you to go. You had your chance, and you blew it.”
Her mouth worked for a moment and then her face hardened. I could see the anger taking over again. I could almost hear the wheels turning in her mind. How she was justifying all of this to herself. Telling herself that none of this was really her fault. That we were all working against her somehow. I shook my head. She could live in her deluded world.
I wasn’t going to let her push that delusional world on me or anyone else around me though.
Finally she turned and stomped out of the room. Dad followed her and then turned back to me and frowned.
“I’m sorry that you had to find out about your mom and I splitting up like that,” he said.
I shook my head and waved a hand. “Don’t feel bad about it. I figured it was going to happen eventually. I’m surprised you waited so long.”
I was surprised at how well I was taking that bit of news. Usually when parents broke up you were supposed to be heartbroken. I knew a couple of friends whose parents had gone through divorce and it had destroyed them. Maybe the fact that I was going through my own mini break up with my mom at the same time that my dad was breaking free made this different. Whatever the reason, I wasn’t nearly as upset as I felt like I should be.
Dad looked between me and Sarah. He smiled and shook his head. “I don’t think you need me in here right now. I’ll be down the hall if you need me. And I’ll make sure to tell all the people at the nurse’s stations that you want Sarah to be able to get in here whenever.”
He stopped for a moment. Looked down. Then, in a quiet voice. “I should’ve done that a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you when you needed it.”
To my surprise it was Sarah who spoke up.
“You stood up eventually,” she said. “That’s what really matters.”
Dad smiled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true. Thanks.”
He turned and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Sarah. I reached out and took her hand again. She looked down and cocked an eyebrow.
“I promise I won’t squeeze your hand off this time,” I said.
“Fine, if you promise,” she said.
“You know the crazy thing is this actually means things are going pretty well,” I said.
Sarah shook her head. “How could you possibly say that? Your mom just totally flew off the handle!”
I shrugged. “You have to know my mom. When she flies off the handle like that it’s her last resort before she gives in and accepts whatever it is she was fighting. I’m sure she’ll be back in here soon enough all apologies and trying to get back in my good graces. The question is whether or not I let her in.”
“Your mom is fucking nuts,” Sarah said.
I grinned. “Are you sure you want to stick around now that you’ve seen what my mom ca
n be like? I’d understand if you wanted to run for the hills as fast as you could.”
Sarah grinned and leaned in to kiss me. “Not a chance! I’m with you and that’s that. Even if you do have a crazy mom!”
I leaned back and closed my eyes. Now that everything had finally happened, now that the big explosion had come and went, I felt like I could rest. There wasn’t a chance Sarah was going to be chased away now. Not without me having severe words with my mom. Especially now that I was starting to feel better.
“Can you please tell me about everything that’s been happening in the world?”
“Everything?” Sarah said. “Well there are political people arguing about stuff. There are explosions and wars going on. Everything seems like it’s going to shit but I’m pretty sure that’s just the twenty-four hour news cycle because on the whole things seem pretty peaceful and…”
I held up a hand to stop Sarah.
“Okay, let me clarify. I didn’t need that much detail. What’s been going on in your world? What’s going on with the swim team? Tell me about stuff that I would actually care about. Not stuff that’s happening around the world.”
Sarah blinked. “Oh. Well I suppose things have been going okay. The swim team is doing well, but I can see Coach shaking his head every time an event comes up that you were supposed to be in. I’ve been trying to hold down the fort when it comes to the butterfly, but of course we don’t have you there and you are officially a half second faster than me according to the sectional results so…”
I smiled. It was good to hear about everything that was happening out there. It was good to know that the world was still going on without me out there.
Sure I was still worried about a few things. I was worried that for some reason this treatment wouldn’t work even though the doctors and the nurses were going on about how well I was responding. I was worried that once I got back to school I wouldn’t be able to participate in swimming at the same level I once had and that would run the risk of ruining my scholarship. Even with this new backbone that I’d grown when it came to standing up to my mother I wasn’t sure if I would be able to stand going home and living with her again if the swim scholarship fell through.