by Mia Archer
Then again I could always go live with my dad if they were split up. That would be nicer than going back to live with the crazy woman.
I could feel sleep coming on again. I didn’t want to go to sleep. I didn’t want to miss a single moment of Sarah going on about everything that I’d missed over the past few weeks. But it was difficult to stay awake. Especially now that I was so happy and content.
And so I drifted off. Only this time when I drifted off I didn’t have the usual nightmares about my mom chasing people away from my room. No, instead I was filled with happy thoughts. Happy images of being back at the pool and jumping in for the first time in a month. Happy thoughts of being with Sarah. Walking through campus hand in hand with her. Smiling and laughing without a care in the world.
Yeah, all of that felt pretty damn good.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I’ve had this on me for a couple of weeks now, and I was starting to think I wouldn’t be able to deliver it.”
I opened my eyes at that. Turned to see that Sarah had a card in her hands. She handed it over to me. It was just your usual get well soon card, but when I opened it I saw it had been signed by everybody on the team. I felt tears coming to my eyes knowing that they cared about me that much. All of them had taken the time to write little notes of encouragement. We’re not talking about just signing their name and the sending it on to the next person.
It made me feel good to know so many people out there had my back. At the very bottom was the most important signature of all. A quick note from Coach that simply said “there’s always a place for you on the team, no matter what.”
Those tears that were threatening broke free. I was a hot mess, but in such a good way. They were very much tears of joy. The first joy I’d felt in a good long while. I had a family with the swim team, and most importantly I had a person who was there for me no matter what. A person who’d weathered the storm of my crazy mother and come through on the other side.
“Are you okay Alyssa?”
I looked at Sarah next to me. I thought about all those people rooting for me on the swim team. I wiped a tear from my eyes.
“Yeah, I’m more than okay,” I said. “Everything’s great, all things considered.”
And for the first time since this whole ordeal had started I realized that I could say that and truly mean it. Everything really was starting to look better. The clouds were parting.
I hoped.
31: Back to Normal?
Sarah:
I stabbed at a bit of lime green jello with my spoon and frowned. Normally I didn’t like the stuff, but this was a hospital cafeteria and if I wanted something with sugar in it for dessert then this was my only option. It even had those gross little marshmallows and fruit bits in it.
Yuck.
“I can’t wait until we’re out of here and back on campus where they have real food,” I said.
“Tell me about it,” Alyssa replied. She was applying a lot of pepper to a mushy bit of white food that looked like it was supposed to be mashed potatoes. Maybe. She spooned some of it and took a bite. Frowned. Then smiled as she forced herself to swallow the obviously nasty stuff.
“On the bright side, at least I can keep this stuff down now. There were a few weeks when it was really touch and go with solid food,” she said.
“I’ll drink to that,” I said.
We held our sodas high. Coach wouldn’t exactly be happy to know I was drinking a sugary soda, but whatever. I didn’t care. Now was a time for celebration. Alyssa was finally out of that damn bed under her own strength and able to move around the hospital. On top of that the doctors were going on about how well she was responding to treatment.
It was starting to look like she was going to be on the part of the bell curve that survived, but we had to take that one day at a time.
“They were saying I might be out of here by next week with a little luck,” Alyssa said. “I so can’t wait for that.”
“Have you heard anything from the university about your classes and all that?”
Alyssa grimaced. “I finally got through to someone whose job is to cut through university bureaucracy and bullshit for cases like mine, so I’m hopeful. We’ll see, though.”
“I guess that’s the best you can hope for,” I said.
“Yup. I’m going to have to really hit it overtime during the summer sessions this year to get caught up though. This is going to be a pain in the ass for a couple of years,” she said.
“Yup, but at least you’re going to be around to deal with that pain in the ass, right?”
I thought back to that memorial garden on the hospital roof. There were so many names on plaques up there. I’d sat back on the bench and stared at them and wondered if I’d be putting up a plaque in memory of Alyssa. I was so glad it wasn’t going to come to that now.
“I just hope things get back to normal with swimming,” she said.
I put my spoon down. That jello was not going to get eaten. I didn’t care that I’d paid a ridiculously inflated hospital price for the stuff. The idea of chomping down on it made my stomach churn.
“Hey, you’re going to be fine,” I said. “So you’ll be out for a couple of months. There are lots of people who take breaks and come back to kick ass. Just means we’re going to have to work you a little harder than usual in the pool. Nothing you aren’t used to, right?”
Alyssa stuck her tongue out at me.
I opened my mouth to do the same when a look on Alyssa’s face brought me up short. I glanced up and frowned. The last person in the world that I wanted to see was making a beeline for us. Tiffany. Great.
The past couple of days since that big blowup in Alyssa’s hospital room had actually been pretty peaceful. Tiffany had made herself very scarce, only passing by outside to look in on Alyssa from time to time. At first I’d thought it was poetic justice that she was the one on the outside looking in, but as time passed I could only think how sad it was that she was stuck out there away from her daughter.
Not that I felt bad for her. I just thought it was sad. She was the one who brought it all on herself, after all. I didn’t think I had it in me to feel sympathy for her after everything she pulled, and I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with her right now. Not when Alyssa was having such a good time.
Tiffany didn’t bother to ask if she was welcome at our table. She pulled up a hard plastic seat an looked between the two of us. There were all sorts of emotions warring on her face in that moment. Anger. Sadness. Despair. It created a mix that was hard to follow. Finally she turned away from me and looked at Alyssa.
“What do you want mom?” Alyssa asked, her voice cold. Oh yeah, this woman had really screwed up. Chances are she was about to screw things up even more. It seemed like she couldn’t open her mouth without pissing someone off.
“I want to say…”
She took a deep breath and there was that same weird interplay of emotions running across her face. She let the deep breath out and forced a smile on her face. A smile that I didn’t trust one bit.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” she said.
I blinked. Not what I was expecting. And I still didn’t trust her. Not really.
“You’re sorry?” Alyssa said.
“Yes,” Tiffany replied. “I was having a… difficult time adjusting to the idea of you being interested in a girl on top of all the other stress that was happening.”
She looked at me and for a wonder she didn’t scowl. She also didn’t look too happy that I was sitting there with them, but that was tough shit. I was here and I wasn’t going to magically disappear no matter how much she might want that.
“But if this is what you want then I suppose I can get used to it,” she said.
“You suppose you can get used to it?” Alyssa said, her voice still cold.
Anger flashed on Tiffany’s face again. This really was a woman who had trouble keeping her emotions under control. It worried me that she was still so angry underneath it all
.
“Yes,” she said with a sniff. “I don’t agree with it but I can tolerate it.”
Alyssa shook her head and chuckled. “That’s a start, I suppose, but you really still don’t get it.”
“What are you talking about? I told you I could tolerate this!”
“I don’t want someone who tolerates me, mom. I want someone who loves me for who I am. You’re getting there, but you’re not quite there yet.”
“But…”
Alyssa held up a hand. “You kept my girlfriend from me. You lied to her and lied to me and tried to make me think she didn’t exist when you knew I was vulnerable and on medication that made it difficult for me to think straight. You threatened to cut me off of your health insurance and bankrupt me or kill me because you were angry about my life choices, and now you think that coming down here and telling me you can “tolerate” my life choices is going to be enough to wiggle your way back in with me?”
Tiffany and I both stared at Alyssa with our jaws hanging wide open. Damn. I know she’d talked about how this disease made her less tolerant of bullshit, but this was on a whole new level. I agreed with everything she said, but still. I could agree with what she said and still be surprised that she said it.
“But I thought if I tried,” Tiffany said, then stopped.
Alyssa shook her head again. “You are trying, and that’s something. You also did a whole lot of damage over the last month. This isn’t some story where everything gets wrapped up in a neat little bow at the end because that’s how it should be. This is life, and life is messy. We can work on this, but it’s going to take time. A lot of time. And a lot of good behavior from you.”
“Fine, if you’re going to act like a child about this,” Tiffany said.
She pulled her chair away. It made a loud screeching noise on the cafeteria tile. A moment later she was storming off across the cafeteria, every step she took indicating just how annoyed she was that she didn’t magically mend things with her daughter with one apology.
“Do you think she meant a word of what she said?” I asked when she was out of earshot.
Alyssa sighed. “I think she did, in her own way, but that doesn’t change everything she did. One apology isn’t going to fix everything, but I hope we can work on it.”
I made a noncommittal noise that wasn’t exactly agreement and it wasn’t exactly disagreement. I was ambivalent. On the one hand I wouldn’t be sad to never see Tiffany again after everything she pulled, but on the other hand I could understand why it was important for someone to have a good relationship with their parents.
I was going to stay out of it. As long as she couldn’t interfere with me and Alyssa anymore I was okay.
“She’s never apologized like that before in her life, you know. Maybe this is the start of a change for her,” Alyssa said.
“Maybe,” I said. I felt the need for a subject change though. This was all too depressing. “So have you given any thought to what you’re going to do when you get back to school?”
Alyssa grinned. “Well the first thing I’m going to do is head down to the cafeteria in the basement at our dorm and get a big bowl of that twist ice cream they have down there. Please tell me they fixed the machine.”
I blinked. “Honestly? I couldn’t tell you. I only went down there to grab stuff I could microwave when I got to the hospital. I haven’t had much time to check out what they had on offer.”
“Really? You know you didn’t have to spend all that time over here at the hospital. I would’ve understood if you got out there and lived your life.”
I reached across the table and touched her free hand. She smiled and intertwined her fingers with mine. Damn how I’d missed that. I hadn’t realized just how much I missed it until I finally had her back in my life.
“There was no way I was staying away from this place while you were in trouble,” I said. “Even if I couldn’t see you. I wanted to be here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
Alyssa’s smile turned to a huge grin. I felt a tingle like what I’d gotten back when we first started seeing one another. It felt like I was looking at her for the first time. I loved it when she lit up like that.
“I know,” she said. “And that sort of brings me to the second thing I’m looking forward to when I get back to the dorms.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And what would that be?”
Alyssa leaned forward and spoke in a low conspiratorial voice. “Well I was thinking it’s been a heck of a long time since I “watched a movie” with you, and after being cooped up in this hospital for so long I suddenly find myself really needing to watch a movie with you, if you know what I mean.”
I shivered. There was another part of me that I’d suppressed because it wasn’t the time or place, but now that Alyssa was talking like this that was a part of me that was coming roaring back. I grinned.
“I think we could arrange that,” I said.
“Good,” Alyssa said. “I think I’m looking forward to that more than anything else right now. It’s going to be so good to be out of here finally!”
“I couldn’t agree more!”
Part 5: Spring
32: Back to School
Alyssa:
I paused outside the natatorium and took a moment to adjust my gym bag. I was afraid to see what my locker looked like after sitting unused for a month and a half, so I’d brought all new stuff to change into for practice.
The last time I was here had been the incident. I could still remember flashes of falling into the pool and people screaming around me and the wail of an ambulance carrying me off to the hospital where I’d spend the next good chunk of my life.
My legs felt a little wobbly thinking about that. I wasn’t sure if it was the stress from the memory or the stress that all that medication and time spent bedridden had pulled on my body. Either way I still felt a little wobbly on my feet from time to time.
It was still a hell of a lot better than that stupid dizziness I used to suffer from though. I promised myself I would never ignore a sign like that again. I might’ve avoided a lot of pain and suffering if I’d just listened to what my body was trying to tell me.
“You ready to do this?” Sarah asked.
I paused in the crisp morning air. It was still dark out and a few stars twinkled through the pink city haze up above. Nothing like the breathtaking star field I got to look up at every morning when I was going into practice back in high school, but it was still nice. At least here at the university I got to see the sun during the winter. Back in high school I was up and at practice before the sun rose and out of evening practice well after it set in the winter.
“I think I’m ready,” I said. “I just hope they’re not too mad at me.”
My breath fogged in front of me. There wasn’t any snow on the ground, but it was still cold. Really cold. Sarah appeared in front of me, her own breath fogging and an irritated look on her face.
“What are you talking about? Why would the team be mad at you?”
I frowned and looked down. “Because I let them down? I lost the race that day, and they were expecting me to come in and be this powerhouse this year and some stupid sickness knocked me out and probably ruined everything for the season.”
Sarah put both hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. She even gave me a little shake as she spoke, and her voice was deadly serious. Her face was deadly serious. Everything about her said that she wasn’t putting up with my bullshit.
“You listen to me and you listen to me now,” she said. “You just went through something that would have knocked out someone who wasn’t as strong as you. Everyone in there knows what you’ve been going through and no one in there holds it against you. Now you’re going to go in there with your head held high and you’re going to get in the water and kick ass like you always do. Understand me?”
I blinked. Who was this and what had she done with the normally happy go lucky Sarah who was always smiling and relaxing an
d cracking a joke? I thought I was supposed to be the serious one these days!
Well if she was going to be the serious one then I was going to crack a joke. I hit her with a mock salute.
“Yes ma’am!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
That serious expression stayed on her face for another beat and then she was cracking up. Maybe the salute was too much for her?
“Get in there,” she said. “I’m sure they’re all going to be happy to see you.”
I took a deep breath and walked through the doors to the natatorium. I hadn’t let the team down. My swimming career wasn’t over. This was just a road bump and I was going to get over it. Everything was going to be okay. If I kept telling myself that then I almost believed it.
Walking next to Sarah helped. She’d been my guiding light through all of this. My source of strength. I didn’t know what I would’ve done without her.
“This is going to suck,” I said as we approached the lockers. “I used to love hopping in the pool, but if I get in there now it’s going to be like I’m starting for the first time. It’s been a long time since I started for the first time but it sucked so bad!”
“Tough shit,” Sarah said. “You’re getting in there and you’re going to get your ass kicked and you’re going to like it. We have to have you back in top shape so you can keep that scholarship, remember?”
I sighed. “How could I forget?”
“Come on Alyssa,” she said, stopping in front of the locker room door. “It’s not going to be as bad as all that. The doctors gave you a clean bill of health. The only thing holding you back at this point is you. Are you going to let you do that to you?”
I went a little cross-eyed from the convoluted logic of what she’d just said, but she had a point. I did have a clean bill of health. I felt stronger than I had in awhile. Sure I was going to forever live in fear of every sniffle and I’d probably get anxiety attacks every time I felt exhausted because that might mean the cancer was back no matter what the doctors said, but for now I needed to live my life.