A Love Undone

by Cindy Woodsmall

  Andy walked to where she sat, his face and arms dripping water. She dangled the towel on two fingers.

  He took it and scrubbed his face. “Do you want time alone, or do you want to vent?”

  “It’s not just the yelling at me. Why did you stop talking and simply walk out on me this morning? Why not one kind or encouraging word while we worked?”

  He shifted, staring into the distance. Was he at war with himself to answer her? “I stand by my assessment that the job is too dangerous for a novice. Why would I say anything that might encourage you to stay inside the ring?”

  His demands for her to leave the ring were consistent with the following hours of his silence. Could she fault a man for being true to his beliefs? She took a shaky breath and leaned back in the chair. “My meltdown wasn’t all you. I arrived this morning with my emotions pushing and shoving me. Sometimes all the little feelings and stresses pile up until it’s a mountain crashing down.”

  “Ya. It is, isn’t it?” He sat beside her in Lester’s usual chair.

  “I’m not leaving you to do this job by yourself.”

  He tapped the ends of his fingers together, looking heavenward and shaking his head. “Ya, that’s pretty clear at this point.”

  “Can we do this?” She nodded toward the corrals to their far right.

  “It’ll be weeks of harder work than today, because we’ll have to juggle taming with washing and shoeing, but I think we’ve already proved we can do it. The first horses should be ready to be washed late this afternoon. The question is, can we do it without you getting hurt?”

  “You can teach me the safest ways to do the job, but”—she gestured toward the tame horse just on the other side of the fence—“pain and life go together like pastures and horses. Still, you could try to keep yourself from being the source of it.”

  “You don’t pull any punches when it comes to saying what you’re thinking or feeling, do you?”

  In a lot of ways, she stayed quite hidden; she kept far more to herself than she spoke aloud. But with Andy it was different somehow. Since he was neither sibling nor church-district member, she found that surprisingly liberating. “If that’s a problem, I can work on keeping more to myself.”

  He propped his forearms on his legs and stared at the ground between his feet. “It’s unnerving.” He shook his head, seeming as confused by his behavior today as she was. “But I like it … I think.”

  She chuckled. “Ya, that’s how I feel too.”

  “Have you always been so direct?”

  “Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m being so straight with you. I tend to keep a lot to myself. I have since I was nineteen and lost my parents. They were two of the most open people you could meet.” Why had she begun this conversation?

  He angled his head, and his brows furrowed as he looked up at her. “Jo … both parents?” The disbelief in his whisper sent chills over her. He sat upright, the ground no longer holding his interest. “I’d like to hear more.”

  “Our last moments together had been amazing—direct, open, and filled with such love and joy that I still call on those memories for strength and peace. If my life hadn’t been redirected that day, maybe I would be more like they were. At least it seemed I was headed that way.” She was supposed to have moved to a district that would allow her the freedom to pursue becoming an artist. Yet here she was, a woman who painted in an attic as if it were a sin and doled out parental advice to younger siblings as if she had the benefits that came with age. “But it’s good to know I’m capable of being open with you. Maybe that’s because your uncle pushes me to be my real self whenever I’m here. So … can we manage to get along, or do you have a problem working with a woman?”

  He looked unsure. “Lester told you of my … marital situation, right?”

  “He didn’t volunteer it, but I asked him about it this morning before breakfast.”

  He studied her. “It’s not a problem?”

  “Should it be?”

  He shrugged. “I guess not.” He leaned in. “Who raised Hope?”

  “As the oldest with five younger siblings, I guess the answer is me. But I couldn’t have done it without the help of the district. If it hadn’t been for your uncle Lester, I’m not sure we would’ve managed to stay together. Three of my siblings are married now. I can’t imagine what my life will be like when the other two marry, but I’m sure it will look to most as if I’m too heartbroken over Van to—”

  “Van? You and he …”

  “Ya. We were engaged when my parents died. The breakup wasn’t his fault any more than it was mine. He wanted … we wanted to marry, but it was too much stress and responsibility. My heart and all my underpinnings and perspectives were shattered, so I wasn’t the same person he thought he was going to marry. Can’t fault a guy for that. It was years before I could find one familiar piece of myself again.”

  “Hey.” Hope’s voice caused Jolene to turn. She and Tobias were coming across the yard, each holding a tray. “Lester said it was time to make you two eat.”

  Jolene’s heart jumped. She’d forgotten that Van was waiting on her to call back. She stood. “What day and time do you want Van to be here?”

  He looked up at her. “We can find another blacksmith, Jo.”

  “No need. Van is the answer we need, and I’m fine with it.”

  Andy remained in place, studying her. His blue eyes seemed to look beyond her disheveled outer and inner selves and see straight into the heart of who she was. And it dawned on her just how many years she’d missed the camaraderie that came with talking to a man who was about her age.

  Losing the two men closest to her within the same year had left a hole inside her. Now she dared to hope Andy was the kind of man who could give her a long summer of good conversations that had nothing to do with bickering.

  Her heart thundered much like the hoofs of a charging horse. Could they be on the brink of more than a good summer and a budding friendship?

  12

  It seemed odd for Jolene to be gone so much this week. Ray had eaten dinner with Josiah every evening since Monday. Yesterday when Ray told her he was going out with friends tonight, she’d asked who he’d be with, where he was going, and what time he expected to be home.

  He’d told her two of the names, leaving out Van’s brother. Then he told her that they were meeting at the cabinetry shop and would just ride around and hang out. He’d expected a lecture on how to behave, but she smiled, looking pleased. She’d said, “You’ll follow your conscience and not your emotions, right?” He’d nodded, deciding not to tell her that when his emotions were riled, his conscience became stony silent.

  As he walked toward town, he noted that Friday evenings had a different feel than any other night of the week. Sunday nights through Thursday nights, he dreaded going to work the next day. Every other Saturday night was okay because the next day wasn’t a church meeting. But Friday nights? Those were his favorite, especially this one as he ambled toward the cabinetry shop to meet up with some guys. It felt so … cool.

  First he’d reconnected with Teena and had even eaten lunch with her every day this week. Mrs. Coldwell had ordered expensive cabinets for her garage, so one day next week he’d get to see Teena again, which sounded like lots of fun.

  Now he was going out with three people who weren’t his siblings. Of course he’d feel a lot different if this was a setup and they were planning to make fun of him. But maybe it wasn’t. He wasn’t nearly as slow or awkward as he used to be. He’d made lots of progress, even in the last year—unless he got rattled. Then his thoughts became jumbled like piles of broken old cabinets during a demolition.

  He saw a carriage waiting outside the cabinetry shop, and as he drew closer, he could see James in the driver’s seat and Alvin next to him. Ray relaxed a bit, reminding himself that Van’s brother was always nice to him. If James was in charge tonight, and usually the one driving the rig was the leader for the evening, then Ray didn’t need to worry
how the night would go.

  Alvin got out of the carriage. “Hey, you’re right on time.”

  If Ray was good at anything, he knew when to leave his house to reach the shop on time. Alvin stepped to the side, and Ray climbed into the backseat with Urie. Alvin had just gotten in and closed the door when Ray spotted a small cooler between Urie’s feet.

  Ray gestured toward it. “You forgot to take your lunchpail home.”

  Urie grinned. “No.” He opened it. “I brought a few cold beers.”

  But Urie didn’t bother to get any out. James talked about his workweek at the blacksmith shop, saying he wished he hadn’t moved here to apprentice under Van. All he wanted to do was go home.

  James drove out of town, and soon the horse was lumbering up a deserted dirt road. Urie passed James and Alvin each a beer. He then held out a beer to Ray.

  Unease clutched Ray’s gut. “Nee.”

  “Why not?” Urie thrust it toward him.

  “I’m three years younger than you guys, so it’s not legal for me.”

  Urie looked at the beer and then at Ray. “Legal age or not, and being in our rumschpringe aside, if our parents knew, we would be in just as much trouble as you, ya know?”

  James pulled off the dirt road and drove up a path, then brought the rig to a stop. “Leave him be.”

  Alvin stretched, taking a long sip of his beer. “We just drink one or two, no big deal. But if you don’t want to, tell Urie to go drown in a river.”

  Visions of his parents drowning hit hard. James shoved Alvin’s shoulder and shook his head at him.

  “Oh.” Alvin turned. “Sorry, Ray. I wasn’t thinking.”

  Maybe James was a good influence on Urie and Alvin. Those two and others at school used to think that upsetting Ray was fun, and they were good at it. That was for sure. Then he’d bust one of them in the jaw or trip them or throw whatever was closest at their heads and get in trouble with the teacher and bishop. Jolene didn’t like it when he acted out, but she stayed calm and aimed to help him figure out other ways to cope with the bullying. Maybe if James had gone to school with him instead of being in Ohio, Ray wouldn’t have had such a tough time.

  “Kumm on.” James opened the door and grabbed his backpack. “Let’s go.”

  Alvin got out.

  “Is this it?” Ray followed Alvin, hearing dogs barking in the distance. “You guys drink some beer and wander through the woods.”

  Alvin stretched again. “Looks that way, don’t it?” He took another sip of beer.

  Urie brought the cooler with him, and they set off. Wherever the dogs were, they were barking furiously now, but they didn’t seem to be coming after them.

  They came to a campsite of some sort. There wasn’t much here—some well-placed logs for sitting, a spot where they built fires, and a tarp covering, but he couldn’t tell what was under it. James straddled a fallen log. Alvin sat on a stump and put the cooler on the ground beside him. Urie grabbed some fire-starter logs from under the tarp and tossed them onto a heap of old ashes. He struck a match and held it to the paper covering the starter log. Once it caught fire, he sat on the ground and finished his beer.

  James pulled a brown bag out of his backpack and unloaded crackers, chips, candy, and a pack of cigarettes. “Help yourself.” He took a deep breath. “It may not look like much, Ray, but it’s our way of blowing off steam when we don’t really have anywhere to go.”

  Ray eyed the beer before walking over and getting one. He twisted off the top, took a sip, and quickly spit it out. “Yuck.”

  The guys laughed.

  Alvin lit a cigarette. “That was my reaction when I had my first beer. It might grow on you.”

  Ray held on to it and took a seat. The fire grew, sending sparks heavenward, as the dogs continued to bark. The guys talked about their workweek—what went wrong and who was to blame. They laughed about some of the things their bosses did, which in each of their cases was their uncle. James moaned about having to live in the carriage apartment on his brother’s property. “Donna’s such a pain sometimes, telling me what to do, and if I’m anywhere near, she’s got a long list of stuff I need to get done. I have no idea how my brother stands it, but that’s why I come out here.” He gestured toward the fire.

  Alvin tossed his cigarette onto the ground and stomped it. “Maybe he shoulda married Jolene instead.”

  James shook his head. “Van seems to love Donna. I just don’t see why.”

  Urie had a stick in hand now, digging in the dirt. “Maybe sisters-in-law are a lot like sisters in that it’s hard to imagine someone falling for them, only with sisters-in-law you don’t have the bond you do with your sisters.”

  “Maybe.” James nodded.

  Ray had drunk about half a beer. He rubbed his head, feeling a little featherbrained. “My head is swimming.”

  The guys laughed. “After one beer?” Alvin asked.

  Ray picked up the bottle and sloshed it about, peering through the dark-brown glass. “After half of one, I think.”

  “I guess it could do that if you’re hungry or dehydrated.”

  Ray dumped out the rest and stood. “Where’s that barking coming from?”

  “Old Man Yoder’s place.” Alvin pointed. “It’s about a fourth of a mile straight through the woods. He’s got nobody but himself, and yet he keeps those poor dogs tied at the back of his yard year round—rain, snow, whatever. I’ve heard they’re skin and bones.”

  “If he’s as mean to those dogs as he is to people, maybe we should cut ’em loose. You know, set them free.” Urie stood, peering in the direction of the dogs.

  “Why?” James tossed a stick onto the fire. “So they can run off and starve or maybe get caught by the pound and put to sleep?”

  “Well”—Urie shrugged—“then maybe we should rescue them.”

  Even with Ray’s fuzziness, he thought Urie’s idea sounded like a win-win situation. Ray hadn’t ever owned a dog, and he could do for them what no one did for him—free them of Old Man Yoder’s meanness. Ray pointed. “Straight that way?”

  Alvin came to him and turned Ray’s shoulders several notches to the right. “See that hint of yellow flickering. That’s coming from the lanterns in his house.”

  Ray squinted. “Oh, ya.” He could catch a glimpse of them when the branches swayed in the breeze.

  “Ray, sit.” James motioned to the log. “You can’t steal the man’s dogs.”

  “Maybe you can’t.”

  The other two guys hissed and laughed at James for being a wimp.

  Ray started toward the lantern light.

  “Ray, wait.” James joined him. “Don’t do it, man. It’s not worth it.”

  “Mistreating animals is against the law, ain’t it?” He looked from one boy to another. “I work with the man. If he’s that mean when other people are looking, just imagine what he’s like to those poor dogs.” He waited, and one by one the guys nodded.

  James grabbed a package of cookies and held it out. “You’ll need to make friends with them first. If they’ve been chained their whole lives, they’re likely to be mean.” He motioned. “Kumm on. We’ll help you.”

  Ray grinned. These guys hadn’t tricked him. Tonight was fun.

  Urie led the way. “What’ll you tell Jolene?”

  Ray hadn’t thought about that part.

  “You can tell her that the dogs needed adopting and no one but you is willing to do it, which is true, isn’t it?” James asked.

  “Ya.” That was good thinking.

  Alvin followed closely behind. “Just convince her that it will be good for you to learn to take responsibility for them. She’ll go for it. Mamms like that kind of thinking.”

  “You’ll have to keep them sort of hidden somehow.”

  “I’ll let them stay inside. Think they’re housebroken?”

  “No idea. But you’ll know soon enough.”

  Despite feeling a little woozy, Ray was excited. Not just about the dogs, but also because
he’d finally made some friends.

  13

  With a lead line in hand, Andy tromped through the woods, following the others as the black stallion he’d been working with walked beside him. He’d protested this picnic outing. All he’d wanted to do was give two of the horses they’d been working with a walk through pastures and woods, but he’d been overruled. Even Lester, who’d stayed at home, had sided with Jolene, Hope, and Tobias. They trod in silence, leaves and twigs crunching under their feet, rays of light streaming through the freshly sprouted spring leaves. Birds flitted and sang loudly, but the goal of the humans was to avoid spooking the formerly wild horses. Tobias and Hope were riding Lester’s personal horses bareback, enjoying being included in this mission. Jo was directly ahead of him, leading the white filly she first worked with eight days ago.

  Had he known her only nine days?

  The fight between Jolene and Andy on Tuesday of last week had cleared the air and changed everything between them. Some of it was for the better. Some was for the worse.

  The better part was that they got along. He had dropped his armor, or maybe she’d ripped it from him. He wasn’t quite clear which had happened. In trying to be so guarded, he’d only managed to be difficult and rude to Jolene … until she came unglued with him. And she’d been right to do so, but it had made him go from a horse’s rump to an unarmed, vulnerable human in less than a day.

  She had unique qualities, like her quiet power over her will—from unselfishly choosing to raise her family to befriending Lester, a person no one found easy to care for. But based on his limited knowledge, she seemed to have areas where the ground had been stolen out from under her, and she hadn’t taken it back. If he could do one thing for her this summer, he’d like to help her regain every inch of ground possible. Taking back the ground stolen during a battle or tragedy strengthened and encouraged the person. It made people ready to step into new territory in the future and claim that too. In his opinion if anyone deserved to regain what had been stolen, it was Jolene.