A Love Undone

by Cindy Woodsmall

  She held him as years of pain and disappointment seemed to spill out in his tears. When his weeping slowed, he sat on the bed, and she handed him the dishtowel from her shoulder. He buried his face in it and wept.

  He didn’t need to say more than the two words I’m sorry. She understood what he meant. He was sorry for all he’d done wrong, sorry for not being whole and for his years of causing her extra work, and sorry he’d hid his wrongdoing from her.

  “All is forgiven.” She sat beside him and put her arm around his shoulders. “We’re in this together for as long as it takes.” One thing still pressed in on her. “Old Man Yoder taking that kind of money for the vandalism and your stealing his dogs is just as wrong as what you did. I think we should talk to the bishop—”

  “No!” Ray looked panicked.

  Drawing a slow breath, she realized there was more to the events than she knew. “Okay. Take it easy. We’ve uncovered plenty for today.”

  But come hell or high water—and she’d survived both so far—she would pay every penny to Van Beiler just as soon as she could.

  If determination gave her insight on how to do it, she would have his money to him by the close of the day.

  16

  Rain drizzled off the tin roof of the pole barn, creating a row of dozens of quarter-size mud puddles. Andy let the horse nuzzle against his palm as he murmured to him and stroked his neck. Puzzle, as Andy had aptly named him, had been one of the most difficult horses to tame. Now the formerly rogue creature enjoyed the most intimate connection for a horse—having his muzzle buried in a human’s hand. It was unusual for an animal like Puzzle to go from unreasonably difficult and dangerous to a big marshmallow.

  With tongs in hand, Van pressed a hot horseshoe against Puzzle’s hoof, measuring it. The metal arc sizzled and steamed, but the animal felt only a slight tug, much like a human cutting a fingernail. “Got it.” Van pulled back the tongs and horseshoe, released the horse’s leg, and returned to the anvil. He hammered the horseshoe, flipping it and pounding it again as needed.

  “I shoe horses on our farm, and I thought I was decent at it,” Andy commented, “but you make it look more like an art form.”

  “If I could make a living selling ironwork knickknacks, I would. When I visit my parents, I spend most of my time pounding heated metal against an anvil to make all sorts of creative pieces—everything from fancy weather vanes and butterflies with movable wings to small toys—all to sell to the Englisch, mind you.”

  Andy thought it odd that Van would spend his vacation doing metalwork. “Is going to Ohio your only opportunity to make whatever you want?”

  “Ya. Our bishop doesn’t allow creating anything that could appear to be an idol. But I couldn’t make a living doing that anyway, so I do it as a hobby when I’m visiting my parents, and my Mamm sells the pieces at a local market.”

  Lester had introduced Andy to the bishop during a church meeting. Later that day Lester had said that he and Jolene had the same bishop and that Andy should never do anything to get crosswise with him. Bishops covered more than one church district, so Andy hadn’t been surprised that Jolene and Lester had the same one—apparently a very strict man.

  Van shoved a second horseshoe into the forge to heat it and create two matching horseshoes for Puzzle’s front hoofs. Then he’d measure the back ones separately. Shoeing once-neglected horses wasn’t easy or quick. “So where is everyone today? I haven’t seen a soul since arriving two hours ago.”

  “Lester is running some errands, and then he plans on making sandwiches for us, and the Keims are off.” It felt odd to refer to Jolene and Hope as the Keims. Was he trying to make it sound to Van as if there was more emotional distance between Jolene and him than there actually was? If so, he didn’t like it, because it smacked of hypocrisy. Or was he trying to keep her at an emotional distance so he would see her merely as someone his uncle had hired?

  His heart turned a flip, rebelling against his will. Puzzle took a step back, looked at him, and shook his head. Andy stroked his face. “It is ridiculous, isn’t it?” he murmured quietly as Van banged on the horseshoe. Trying to convince himself how to feel was like trying to tame a wild horse blindfolded. So how could he wrestle with his rogue emotions?

  He had no idea how he would cope with leaving at the end of summer, but he’d never regret getting to know her. And his gut said he hardly knew her at all yet.

  Andy reassured Puzzle, talking to him as Van approached with a horseshoe.

  “I’ve been wondering”—Van plunged the hot horseshoe into the bucket of water—“did she tell you about us?” The water sizzled as steam rose, and sweat poured off Van’s smudged face.

  Andy shrugged. “She gave me an overview, enough to know you were once engaged and the relationship didn’t work out.”

  Van put the tongs in the wooden toolbox and got out a hammer and nails. “It was a tough time for everyone. Her parents were pillars in the community, and they were really great people. Losing them was hard, even for those who weren’t their children.” He aligned the shoe with the horse’s hoof and tapped a nail into place.

  “I can imagine.”

  He put in another nail. “Jo and I were too young for the amount of pressure on us.”

  “I’m sure it was unbearable.” But Andy didn’t like where this conversation was leading. “You shouldn’t feel any obligation to justify yourself to me.”

  “No?” With the final nail in place, Van put the hammer back in the toolbox and grabbed a file. “Huh. Feels like I need to.” He scraped the coarse file against the horseshoe and hoof, smoothing them. “I can all but guarantee she’s never said much to folks in these parts. It’s not her way. But whenever I arrive, I seem to interrupt a private conversation between you two, so I guess she’s told you plenty.”

  “She hasn’t, and you shouldn’t either.” If Jolene wanted to discuss the breakup, Andy would be honored to listen. But the idea of Van being the one to tell the story was offensive.

  “Our wedding was set for a few weeks after her parents died. She wasn’t in any shape to get married, and the idea of taking on our grief as well as her siblings and the responsibility of raising them was simply too much.”

  “I can understand that, but what’s baffling is why you feel the need to explain it to anyone, especially to me.” Why did Van want to unburden himself on Andy? He had family and friends of his own for that.

  Van continued to file the horse’s hoof and shoe. “I know how it must look that I married someone else less than a year later.”

  “Let’s not discuss this, Van. I’m neutral in this matter, it’s none of my business, and you seem to want to justify your actions. But you’re only digging a hole for yourself.”

  “She had to tell you something. I was struggling with the loss of her parents too, and—”

  “Van.” Andy peered around the horse’s shoulder. Why was Van pushing ahead anyway? Did he have a guilty conscience that he was looking to cleanse? “I know that period of time was filled with emotional difficulties, but I’ve made it clear. I don’t want to discuss it, and I’d appreciate it if you’d honor that.”

  Van released the horse’s leg again and stepped back. “I don’t like how that mess must look to you.”

  “So deal with it. I’m sure Jolene didn’t appreciate how that mess looked to people either, and by your own words, she hasn’t tried to win the community over to her side.”

  Van narrowed his eyes. “That is what I’m doing, isn’t it—trying to win over your opinion?” He sighed. “Sorry. Even after all these years, I admire her. We just weren’t meant to be.”

  “Then that’s all you need to say.”

  Van stood up straight, working the kinks out of his back. “But what I don’t understand is that the night we broke up, she seemed to really understand and respect the need to go our separate ways. I told her to call me if she needed anything, and I meant it. But do you know when I got my first call from her?” He flipped the flat
side of the file in the palm of his hand. “A few weeks ago. Other than polite chitchat or congratulations when Donna and I have another child, Jolene’s not spoken to me. It’s as if I became the enemy, and I don’t understand why.”

  “She has no shyness about sharing her thoughts, and clearly you don’t either, so why haven’t you talked to her?”

  Van shrugged before bending to put pressure on the horse’s leg until it was once again in his hands. “Our breakup was scandalous in these parts. Sometimes I think I can still hear people whispering about it. Has your community experienced anything that scandalous?”

  “Ya.”

  Apparently Van didn’t know Andy’s wife had left him, or he would realize that Andy understood the difficulties and ongoing disrespect around an unfortunate situation. It’d taken him years to get past the rage and find peace. Most people blamed him for Eva’s departure, thinking that if he’d been a good husband, she wouldn’t have left. Others pitied him, as if his life had no meaning without her. People having compassion for a spell was understandable, but pity meant that they only felt sorry for him, erasing all ability to see him through the filter of respect.

  When people asked him how he was doing and he gave the vague answer of “working through it,” a lot of folks condemned him, thinking it was sinful to struggle with lingering issues of anger or hurt—as if they could be treated wrong and immediately be at peace with it. How many times had people quoted the scripture “let not the sun go down upon your wrath”?

  Andy didn’t understand what that verse meant, but he knew what it didn’t mean. God created people with a lot of emotions, and throughout the Word He gave room for every emotion. So the verse didn’t mean Andy was supposed to respond as if he were dead, and it would have taken someone being dead not to feel more than a day’s worth of anger over losing a spouse.

  Puzzle jerked his head, whinnying. He shifted his body, and Van stumbled and fell on his backside. Puzzle snorted, stomping his feet.

  Andy moved to the far side of him. “Easy boy.” The horse was picking up on something that made him nervous.

  Movement near the side entry of the pole barn caught Andy’s attention.

  Jolene.

  17

  Jolene stood just under the tin roof, drops of cold rain sliding down the back of her dress. Her stomach muscles quaked from the pent-up emotions, and she tightened her grip on the envelope of money in her right hand. Getting a hold of the money hadn’t been too hard. She had uncles and two brothers who’d chipped in to loan her the cash, and when they asked what the money was for, they allowed her to keep the reason to herself. But it would take Jolene a tremendous amount of work to pay it back. She spotted Van as he got up from the ground and dusted off his hands and pants.

  Jolene strode toward him. “Van.”

  He turned. The horse near Andy had his side to her, but he edged away as she moved forward.

  She stopped a couple of feet from Van and held out a small white envelope. “I’m sure you meant well, but I disagree with what you did.”

  Disappointment filled his face. “You know.” The resignation in his voice seemed tainted with dread.

  When he didn’t reach for the envelope, she shook it at him. “Take it.”

  “You can’t afford to pay me back.”

  The idea of him telling her what she could and couldn’t do only irked her more. “The money in the envelope is not an illusion, so apparently I can.”

  “How?”

  Just who did he think he was to her and her family anyway? “That’s not really your concern. But the next step is to involve the ministers and lay out this whole mess. Yoder should be allowed to keep only enough money to cover damages and some inconvenience.”

  “You can’t do that. Ray, James, and I gave our word that news of the situation wouldn’t get out and wouldn’t be taken to the church leaders or anyone else.”

  “What?” Her heart rate increased. When Van stepped in and took action, did he even pause to consider the cost? “Why?”

  “It was our bargaining chip.”

  “All that money wasn’t enough?”

  “Yoder doesn’t want to get caught in his extortion, and we didn’t want you to find out what we’d agreed to, so we gave him our word that no one would take the incident to the church officials.”

  Good grief! She thrust the envelope at him again. “Take it.”

  Hurt reflected in his eyes. “Why won’t you let it go? I took care of it.”

  Her insides trembled so hard she feared her shoulders and arms would start trembling too, but she managed a controlled shake of her head. There was no point in trying to make Van understand. Was there a more clueless man in Winter Valley? “Most of my siblings are mature adults now and can make their own decisions, but never again go around me or help Ray or Hope behind my back. Will you agree to that?”

  “You’re being overemotional and silly, Jo.”

  Her face burned. Just how condescending could he be? Silly and overemotional were meant to put any woman in her place. What else did a man need to say?

  Andy appeared out of nowhere leading a horse. If she’d paused to think, she would have assumed he was close by. Seeing him caused her quaking insides to ease.

  He nodded at her while keeping his pace. “I’ll let you two talk in private.” He paused, his eyes locking with hers. “If he’s stolen your ground, Jolene, tell him so.”

  “You think he’ll stay here and listen to me?” She didn’t care that she was discussing Van as if he weren’t right there. He’d pushed her too far by meddling in Ray’s life. “Nothing I say matters. I stopped being able to get through to him ten years ago.”

  The horse whinnied, laying its ears back as it pranced nervously, trying to back away from her.

  “It matters, Jolene.” Andy patted the animal’s neck reassuringly. “Even the horse can feel the quaking inside you. You say what needs to be said whether anyone else understands what you’ve done or why.”

  The horse looked at her walleyed, as if frightened of her. She reached out to let him smell her hand, but he backed up. Andy was right. Even the horse could sense this fault line inside her where Van was concerned, an earthquake waiting to happen. She lowered her hand.

  Andy gave a nod toward Van. Had Andy decided to stay to make sure Van didn’t walk away before she said her piece?

  She turned to Van, and memories of all he’d forced her to live with shook her. “Just taking my ground has never been enough for you, has it?”

  “Kumm on, Jo. You have no cause to be this angry.”

  “Your actions almost pushed Ray over that edge he’s been flirting with for at least a year.”

  “Over the edge?” He pondered, hints of concern flicking across his face before his confident look returned. “How was I supposed to know that?”

  “If you were part of the circle of family or friends, you would get it. As it is, it’s none of your business. Ray is my responsibility. Would you let your wife’s former boyfriend step in, take charge of a family matter, and enter into an agreement with your child—one that involved keeping an important secret from his guardian?”

  “It’s not the same. I knew Ray for several years before we broke up. We were like family for a while.”

  She gritted her teeth. “The difficulty of raising Ray was a large part of why you broke up with me. You had no right to interfere where Ray is concerned. If you can’t see that after all I’ve said, I really don’t know what else to say.”

  “I … I was trying to protect Ray.”

  “Ya, me too, but the problem is only one of us knew enough about the situation to do it justice. Why would you dare try, Van? Do you need redemption for prodding me to give up my siblings?”

  “Maybe. When I look at my children, I see the bond between them and how vulnerable they are. Two of my children are close to the ages that Ray and Hope were when your parents died, and my words and actions from that time haunt me.”

  “But you can�
��t meddle in our lives and behave as if you have rights in the Keim family because of some delayed remorse that’s nagging you!”

  He removed his leather apron and hung it on a stob of a nearby support post. The horse snorted, tugging against the lead in Andy’s hand.

  “Maybe I wouldn’t have lingering guilt if you didn’t carry such obvious anger toward me for the breakup.”

  She fidgeted with the envelope of money he had yet to take from her. “It’s not the breakup that built a wall between us, Van. It was everything else you did. Since then I’ve never been sure if you are mean or just clueless.”

  “Mean? I’ve admitted the timing stunk. I should’ve slowed down, but Donna understood. She eased my pain, and I fell in love.”

  “And that I understood. But you did so much more. Tell me you’re aware of it.”

  “If I’ve caused such offense, then by all means explain it.”

  She looked at Andy. He gave a reassuring nod.

  Jolene patted the horse, and Puzzle didn’t shy away from her this time. She felt the weight of stuffed emotions lifting from her heart. “You knew the church leaders were watching my every move to see if I was worthy of raising my siblings. The court system gave me guardianship, but if any Amish man or woman complained about me, the ministers could’ve caused trouble for me. They could have stirred enough controversy to prevent me from receiving supplemental support from anyone. They could have even gone so far as to remove my parental rights. You knew all that, but you invited me to your wedding, making sure the church leaders knew. You did that because you were more interested in how you looked to the community than in what it would do to me to attend.”

  Van drew a deep breath and held it a moment. “Some of the older men murmured against you for trying to fill the position of a man, but the rest of the community had you on a pedestal. They condemned me for walking away from the commitment I’d made with you. What harm was there in you being at the wedding for a few hours? It helped set the tone for the community to accept our breakup and my marriage to Donna.”