A Love Undone

by Cindy Woodsmall

  Was Glen the answer?

  Michael frowned. “I don’t like that look in your eyes. You’re scaring me, Jolene. Are you … ill, something serious you’re afraid to tell us?”

  Chiding herself for the pity party she’d been having, she silently asked God for forgiveness. “Not at all. Just wallowing in disappointment rather than remembering all the wonderful times God’s given.” She looped her arm through Naomi’s. “What is this good news?”

  Michael grinned, holding out his hand for his wife. Anna slid her hand into his.

  Their news dawned on her, and a smile spread across Jolene’s heart. “Congratulations!” She hugged each of them. “When?”

  “Around Thanksgiving.” He grinned, and Jolene was pretty sure Anna might have to sew the buttons back on his shirt if his excitement kept swelling his chest.

  After hugging Michael and Anna again, she insisted they head for the rigs and get out of the rain.

  As they began the trek back, Naomi stopped. “There is more.”

  “More?”

  Naomi patted her flat stomach. “Around New Year’s.”

  Jolene laughed and hugged her sister. This was exciting, a day she’d believed in and prayed for since her brothers and sisters became her children. Still, thoughts of Andy cinched her heart. He would understand the euphoric intensity of this wonderful news … and the sense of isolation and melancholy that came with it.

  But she had to put dreams of Andy Fisher behind her. That thought caused an odd tingling in her chest. Was she thinking about the situation wrong? She had to give up all hope of their being a couple. Allowing herself to imagine what it would be like to hold his hand or kiss him was off-limits. She knew that, but …

  Would it really be against God’s will for her to continue helping at Lester’s until Andy no longer needed her?

  19

  After Jolene left, Andy took off walking, needing to collect himself. Now, soaked and hungry, he reentered his uncle’s yard. Van’s rig was still in Lester’s driveway, and through the dining room window, he could see Van, Lester, and Tobias at the table eating. Andy went into the phone shanty.

  He was sorry he’d come here. Hadn’t Jolene experienced more than enough pain and disappointment in life without this happening? And embarrassment. How ridiculous that Van was there to hear everything.

  He dialed his home number and waited while it rang.

  Long ago he’d buried all hopes of having a fulfilling relationship with a woman. Not only was he in an impossible situation he couldn’t get free of, but he’d been unable to imagine loving a woman enough to want to marry again. Years ago whenever a sprig of hope about good romantic relationships tried to take root, he shoveled dirt and moved boulders onto it until that dream was buried and his hands were callused and unfeeling. In his circumstances the action served him well.

  But in the blink of an eye, Jolene had dismantled it.

  He didn’t mind so much for himself. But for her sake he regretted not letting Levi and Sadie come here for the summer in his stead.

  He wouldn’t do to Jolene what Van had done—stay close and make life even harder for her. And now that he knew how Jolene felt, he would be too pulled to her if he stayed. He had a marriage to protect—an invisible one, to be sure—but he’d taken a vow before God and family, and he couldn’t act as if he hadn’t.

  Lester expected her to help with meals and horses, but Andy needed to take Tobias and go home. Levi could do this work, and now that the horses were much more settled, maybe Sadie or Andy’s Daed could help, freeing Jolene from working with the horses. Neither Sadie nor his Daed would be as intuitive about the horses as Jolene was. Sensing their needs came naturally to her. But Levi and Sadie or his Daed could make this a workable situation.

  The phone on the other end clicked as if someone had picked up, and then it sounded as if the receiver had fallen to the floor. Boisterous laughter from a woman and a man filtered through the line, and he could imagine Levi and Sadie scuffling and playing. Everything went silent for a moment, and Andy thought he’d been disconnected, but then he heard, “Where’d the phone go?” Sadie’s cackles made it difficult to understand her.

  “It doesn’t matter.” Levi chortled, sounding as if he could hardly breathe for laughing. “I pressed the button and hung up on the person.”

  His brother only thought he’d hung up. Their laughs faded, and Andy assumed Levi was kissing her. It’s what those two did—played, laughed, worked, and took full advantage of the perks of being married and in love. They were quite discreet in their displays of affection when Tobias was around and only a little less so when Andy was there. Having the farm to themselves was probably a nice treat, and Andy hated to bring that to an end.

  “Hallooooo?” Andy called.

  “Did you hear something?” Sadie asked.

  Andy cupped his hand around the mouthpiece and his lips. “Levi, pick up. Hallo?”

  After a bit of scrambling on the other end, Andy heard his brother on the line. “Hallo?”

  “Hey, it’s me.”

  “Andy. Oh. Uh, sorry about that. If I’d known it was you … I mean …”

  If Andy was in a mood to tease, he’d tell his brother, “Spare me, Levi. I know exactly what was going on. You and Sadie were playing, and you followed her into the phone shanty, where you were stealing kisses from her—for starters.” Instead Andy cleared his throat. “I need a favor, a pretty big one.”

  “Name it.”

  This was Levi, and Andy was grateful for it. “I would appreciate it if you’d come here to finish the job with the horses and let me bring Tobias home. Sadie could come too.” He was sure Levi preferred the privacy of being on the farm with Sadie to sharing a home with Uncle Lester. At least the house Andy and Levi shared was separated into wings, much like an attached Daadi Haus.

  “Is Tobias sick?”

  “No. I just … I need this.”

  “Sure. Okay. When?”

  They would finish shoeing the horses today. It was against the Ordnung to hire a driver on a Sunday, but Andy would do it anyway. Maybe no one would notice. Maybe they would. He didn’t care. Sometimes the legalistic views, like the ones about traveling on a Sunday, wore thin. Besides, his goal was to be gone so that when Jolene arrived Monday morning, she would be free of having to see him. He’d write her a letter, an apology along with words of encouragement, and he’d let it end there. “Would you be willing to travel tomorrow, on a Sunday?”

  “If that’s what you need, and I …” Levi’s voice faded, and Andy heard Sadie talking in the background.

  “Then let’s plan for tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Uh, ya, sure. But Sadie can’t stay more than a week, and a horse stepped on Daed’s foot the other day, so he’s laid up.”

  Andy heard the reservations in Levi’s voice. Whatever Sadie had said to him had him rethinking how much time he could spend in Winter Valley. “Is this an issue?”

  “No. Sadie and I have been discussing coming for a visit anyway. We’ll work something out. We always have, right?”

  “True.” But it sounded as if trading places would come at a cost. “You see if you can find a driver, and I’ll do the same.” If Andy found one, the driver would take Andy home and bring Sadie and Levi back on the return trip. Or vice versa if Levi found one. Surely they could locate someone who could make the drive on a Sunday.

  “We’ll work on it and call you later. Anything you need us to be praying about?”

  Andy squelched saying Jolene’s name. He’d take every nuance of the incident to his grave. “I’ll tell Lester that I need to be there more than here.” That was certainly honest. For Jolene’s sake and his, Andy needed to be anywhere but here.

  “Sure thing. Talk to you tonight to confirm the plans. I’m sure we can find a driver for tomorrow.”

  “Denki.” Andy hung up. As he left the phone shanty and headed for the barn, Van came out of the house. Puzzle was still tied to the post and still missing
shoes on his hind legs.

  Van descended the porch stairs. “You want something to eat before we start again?”

  Andy shook his head and kept going. Other than leaving here, could he do any damage control with Van to prevent gossip about Jolene? Was Van capable of keeping his mouth shut? When Andy got to the barn, he murmured to Puzzle and eased the horse into being comfortable with his touch again.

  Van grabbed a long lighter out of the toolbox, turned the valve to the propane gas tank, and lit a fire under the green coal. “I expected you and Jolene to talk longer than you did.”

  Andy wasn’t surprised that Van brought up the subject. He didn’t mind talking. Too bad he hadn’t used some of that boldness years ago to ask Jolene about the best way to marry Donna without causing hardships for Jolene. He led Puzzle to the shoeing area. “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anyone what you overheard.”

  Van paused, studying Andy. “What happened between you and Jo had to feel like getting hit by a train or something.”

  Was that his answer? Andy didn’t think it qualified as one.

  Van grabbed the file from the toolbox. “When I realized that Jolene and I were never going to marry, I thought I’d go crazy. Maybe she knew early on after the tragedy what was happening to us. I don’t know. If she did, it was buried under her grief and steely determination to keep her siblings together. But I went from the most important person to her to the least … or that’s what it felt like. I needed to talk about it, and Donna seemed to need to listen.”

  Andy stroked the horse’s neck. How could he extract an agreement from Van? “You like for people to listen and understand you, and I get that. We all appreciate being understood, but—”

  “I feel like such an idiot not to have seen Jolene’s perspective.” With the file in hand, Van bent the horse’s leg, ready to finish the job they’d begun earlier. “No wonder she’s tried to avoid me all these years. I’m an unforgivable jerk, and I didn’t have a clue.”

  “You’ve made mistakes and thoughtless decisions.” Andy grabbed a brush off a nearby shelf. “But you’re not a jerk.”

  Van released the horse’s leg and stood. “I expected you to feel different.”

  Andy brushed the mane. “I’ve put on blinders and acted on pigheaded motivations too, so I have no stones to throw. We often see what we want to see.” From the second or third date with Eva, he’d caught glimpses of red flags about her mental health. But he had wanted her to be the one, and he’d plowed ahead, confident he could fix or make up for whatever instability she had.

  As it turned out, by the time he realized she needed professional help, he didn’t have the power to make her get it. He’d tried time and again. He’d managed to get her to see a psychiatrist twice, but she’d refused to work with the woman or take the prescribed medications. What was the saying—“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”?

  Using a set of tongs, Van grabbed a horseshoe and submerged it into the hot coals. “I guess we have more in common than one might think. We both know what it’s like to be married to one woman while caring entirely too much for another.”

  Was Andy that transparent to Van, or was the man assuming how Andy felt? And wait … Van had just admitted to caring for Jolene while being married to Donna. “That must’ve been hard on your marriage.”

  Van pulled the horseshoe out of the coals, flipped it, and pushed it back in again. “When I first started seeing Donna after Jolene and I broke up, Donna was like a drug to me, and I became an addict. About four months after we married, I realized I was still in love with Jolene. I tried to hide it from Donna for a while, but it became obvious that we had to deal with it honestly. So we slowly worked our way through those dark days.”

  Van took the horseshoe to the anvil and began hitting it with a hammer. “One night after another stilted, cold evening between Donna and me, we started talking and came to the conclusion that building a good, solid relationship is like forging metals. Life and emotions are the fire, but it’s our vision of what we want to create and our willingness to pound with determination that give us a sturdy, useful end product.” Van paused. “Doesn’t exactly sound romantic, does it?”

  “Being in a relationship that’s honest, where both are dedicated to making it stronger and better, sounds really nice to me.” Andy would gladly have taken that over what Eva did.

  “Ya, I guess it does.” He stuck the horseshoe in the coals again. “I have a reason for telling you this personal stuff. If you’re looking for a guarantee that I won’t tell anyone what I overheard between you and Jo earlier today, I just gave you the power of blackmail.”

  “That’s good of you, but I’ll have to take your word that you won’t say anything. I’m leaving Winter Valley tomorrow, and my brother will take my place.”

  Van pulled out the shoe, banged on it some more, and went toward the horse. “Without talking to Jo one last time?”

  “There’s nothing else to be said.”

  When Jolene was talking to Van, she’d made it really clear that she would’ve been a lot happier if he’d not been around. Perhaps more important, Andy had reputations to protect—hers and his. He wouldn’t ruin her chance of someday finding a good spouse by tainting her reputation, and Tobias already had the heartache of a missing mother to contend with. Andy would do nothing that might burden his son with additional gossip.

  20

  Ray’s fingers still trembled. It had begun Tuesday and continued even now as he sat on a hard pew during a church meeting at Uncle Calvin’s place. Today was June 1, and the muggy, hot air only made the service more unbearable. Other single men his age were on the same bench, all of them sitting on the last row according to the Old Ways. His thoughts turned to Teena.

  Did the other single guys have someone who meant a lot to them? Girls they weren’t dating and had no plans to date? Or was he just strange? Now, after paying Yoder, he didn’t have the money to visit her. He didn’t know when he would have enough money for that.

  A chant kept circling in his mind—Yoder cheated me, and now Jolene’s paying an unfair price. He wanted to make the chant stop. It would help if he could get up and do something. Church lasted entirely too long, making him constantly wish it was time for last kneeling in front of the church bench. Sometimes he liked praying, but mostly he liked that the last kneeling time signaled the end of the three-hour service.

  One of the boys on his row fidgeted with a lighter, making a flame appear and disappear as Preacher Glen read Scripture in High German. Ray had a hard enough time understanding the Bible when someone translated it into Pennsylvania Dutch. Most of the guys on the bench with him were wriggling as if their britches were on fire. On the row of benches across the aisle were the single Amish girls, all in their rumschpringe and none who were very nice to him. Some of them were passing notes.

  Jolene sat one row in front of those silly girls, because it was mandatory that, as a nonmarried girl, she sit near the back rows with the other singles. In another year or so, if she was willing to say she never intended to marry, she could move out of the single section. It seemed cruel to him that she had to sit with the teens and twenty-year-olds, watching one after the other leave that section as they married. She could’ve moved from the singles years ago if she had accepted a marriage proposal from a widower. As Ray saw it, his sister was picky and stubborn. No amount of personal embarrassment or social pressure from the Amish was going to sway her. He was proud of her for that. How many women would’ve rushed to marry someone because it would’ve made all of life easier?

  But those thoughts only made him angrier. He’d added to her troubles by losing his temper.

  Everyone shifted to kneel to pray, and he did too, but he didn’t breathe a sigh of relief this time. He interlaced his fingers, trying to stop them from trembling.

  If only his mind would quit pondering how he’d invited Yoder to empty his bank account and make Jolene’s life harder. At least he hadn’
t embarrassed her in front of the community this time. Unlike when he’d vandalized the school, only a few people knew of this latest outburst.

  Unfortunately, Ray had to return to work tomorrow and act as if Yoder hadn’t swindled him out of his money. The old man had been pretty quiet the rest of last week, but how long would it be before he started yelling at Ray again? A day? Maybe two?

  The service ended, and all he wanted to do was slip out the side door. Instead he helped turn some of the benches into tables and put others at the table for seating. Jolene caught his eye and smiled at him.

  Glen approached and patted him on the shoulder. “I don’t know about you, but I could use some of that homemade ice cream from last night.”

  “Ya.” Whenever Glen went out of his way to talk to a Keim, Ray immediately looked for Jolene. She was in the kitchen removing plastic wrap from plates with slices of ham and bowls of cheese and peanut butter spread. She glanced his way, saw Glen, and returned her focus to getting lunch on the table. How did she feel about Preacher Glen? He’d come to last night’s family gathering and joined them for food and playing games, but Ray couldn’t recall seeing Jolene so quiet before.

  Was that Ray’s fault, or was something else going on?

  Before long the ministers and older men were being served a sit-down family-style meal while the others waited. The house was crowded, so Ray went outside. The sun was almost directly overhead, and the place smelled of livestock and honeysuckle.

  James was under a huge shade tree adding hay to the back of a wagon. Numerous horses were tied to the sides of the wagon so they could munch on hay while waiting on their owners to go home.

  When James was finished, he sat on the back of the wagon with his legs dangling. A couple of cute girls went over to talk to him. Girls and guys weren’t supposed to socialize until the mealtime was over, but sometimes while waiting to eat, the singles talked until an adult intervened. Every Sunday, whether a church day or a between Sunday, was supposed to be devoted to keeping one’s mind on God for at least the first half of the day or until the mealtime was over.