Attack of the 50-Ft. Cupid
Page 1
1. Franny’s House
2. Fleas and Thank You
3. Good Whelp Is Hard to Find
4. Life’s Ruff
5. What Could Be Verse?
6. Franny’s Valentine-Poem Generator
7. Drawing Conclusions
8. Cupid Is as Cupid Does
9. Pink. Cute. I’m Going to Be Sick
10. Working Like a Dog
11. That’s the Way the Ball Bounces
12. Hey Meister, Watch the Keister
13. The Holiday Is Upon Us
14. Love Hurts
15. Love Is a Battlefield
16. The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round
17. Mom Always Says to Wear Your Helmet (When You Become Gigantic and Skateboard on a School Bus)
18. Nope. Not Tacos
19. It’s Mad Science Time
20. Udder Madness
21. LGMS Seeks ULD (Little Girl Mad Scientist Seeks Ugly Little Dog)
22. It Mutts Be Love
23. And That’s That
For Summer and Griffin
and nieces and nephews Mark, Sean, Brad, Laura, Tommy, Lauren, Jessi, Robert, Allyson, Dan, Kristen, Rob, Scott, Evan, Laura, Elissa, Eric, Brooke, Joe, Mike, Lisa, Ashley, Abbey, and Tess
CHAPTER ONE
FRANNY’S HOUSE
The Stein family lived in a pretty pink house with lovely purple shutters down at the end of Daffodil Street. Everything about the house was bright and cheery. Everything, that is, except the bedroom behind the tiny, round upstairs window.
This was Franny’s bedroom, and she loved it more than anyplace else in the whole world, because this was where she came up with some of the most exciting new ideas in mad science.
But, as is often the case for mad scientists, it was impossible to get her friends and family to take her work seriously.
Like when Franny presented her recently perfected Personal Cow to her father.
“Hey, Dad. Have a look at this. I genetically engineered a real cow for the portability that today’s baby-on-the-go demands. See? Fresh milk anywhere.”
“That’s nice, Franny,” he said without even looking up from his newspaper.
Or when Franny tried to show off her just-debugged Biggerizer to her little brother, Freddy.
“One blast from this device can make things hundreds of times bigger,” Franny declared proudly.
“Can you use it in reverse and make your mouth smaller?” Freddy asked.
Franny answered, “It doesn’t have a reverse setting. It only makes things bigger, but that’s not a bad idea . . . .” Before she could finish, he leapt on his skateboard and, with one swift push, rocketed out of sight.
Or when Franny called Percy, one of her new friends from school, to announce her new Manifester. “You put a picture of something in front of it, flip the switch, and—ZAP!—it creates a real three-dimensional reproduction of it.”
“Did you ever put ketchup on corn chips?” Percy asked witlessly.
Franny blinked. “Ketchup on corn chips? Did you hear a single word I said, Percy? The Manifester actually makes real things from pictures and pictures from real things. It’s total madness.”
“I like corn chips,” he said, and Franny hung up the phone.
Franny’s mom had been watching and she felt bad for Franny.
She might not have chosen to have a mad scientist for a daughter, but that’s what Franny was.
And since that’s what Franny was, her mom had spent a lot of time trying to learn about mad scientists.
One of the things she learned was this: Mad scientists need assistants to whom they can show their tiny cows, weird devices, and crazy gizmos, assistants who were always excited and who always listened.
CHAPTER TWO
FLEAS AND THANK YOU
One afternoon Franny’s mom cautiously poked her head into Franny’s room. When poking one’s head into a mad scientist’s lab, it’s always best to do so cautiously.
“Franny, honey, I have somebody I want you to meet.”
“I’m kind of busy here, Mom. I’m working on a machine that will make dirty socks smell worse.”
“Why would you want that?” Franny’s mom asked.
Franny paused, then said, “I guess you wouldn’t Mom. But that’s how mad science works.”
“Okay, but I just thought you might like to meet your new lab assistant.”
“A lab assistant?” Franny said, totally forgetting about the sock experiment. More than anything, she had always wanted her very own lab assistant.
“Well,” her mom said, “he’s not a pure Lab. He’s also part poodle, part Chihuahua, part beagle, part spaniel, part shepherd, and part some kind of weasly thing that’s not even exactly a dog.”
Franny stared blankly at the thing Mom had at the end of a leash.
“But he’ll always be interested and excited about your projects, sweetheart, and you can teach him to be your assistant. His name’s Igor.”
Igor coughed and cocked his head. A few fleas hopped around in his fur. He could tell right away that he liked Franny, and he hoped that she liked him in return.
“Oh. It’s a dog,” Franny said flatly, looking at Igor like he was half a glass of warm water. “I thought you meant . . .”
Franny was all ready to tell her mom to take Igor away, but as she looked into her mother’s smiling face she could tell that her mom had really and truly thought that Igor was going to be a big hit.
She couldn’t bring herself to let her mom down.
“He’s perfect, Mom,” Franny lied. “Thanks.”
“I just knew you’d love him!” Mom squealed, and handed Franny the leash.
Franny led Igor into her room.
“Sit here,” she said. “If I need your assistance with anything, I’ll let you know.”
Igor sat and tried to smile the friendliest smile that a dog with a mouthful of pointy, craggy teeth could smile.
More than anything, Igor wanted to be a mad scientist’s assistant. Especially if that mad scientist was Franny.
CHAPTER THREE
GOOD WHELP IS HARD TO FIND
Back to work,” Franny said. Mad scientists are the hardest-working scientists of all. They do not allow interruptions like Igor to get in the way of progress.
Igor couldn’t wait to help.
“Igor! Please don’t touch the monsters.” Franny groaned when Igor tried to complete a creature she had just designed.
“Igor! Hands off the devices.” Franny moaned when Igor tried to test her new X-ray projector.
Igor helped Franny combine several extremely dangerous chemicals.
“Igor,” she said. “Don’t touch the test tubes. Please, just don’t touch anything.”
CHAPTER FOUR
LIFE’S RUFF
The next morning Igor watched quietly as Franny got ready for school. Before she left, she stopped to shake her finger at him.
“I think we’ve determined that you’re a dog and not a lab assistant. So don’t touch anything in this room except your dumb little rubber ball. Understand?”
Igor understood.
He concentrated on not touching anything except his dumb little rubber ball, because more than anything, he just really wanted to help.
CHAPTER FIVE
WHAT COULD BE VERSE
Franny sat in class listening to her teacher, Miss Shelly.
“Now, remember that we’ll be celebrating something special at the end of the week,” Miss Shelly said. “You’ll need to have valentines ready to share.”
Franny raised her hand. “Miss Shelly, what are valentines?”
Miss Shelly never understood how Franny could know so much about weird things but so little a
bout normal things.
Franny felt the same way about Miss Shelly.
The simple truth was that Franny, like most geniuses, studied the things she loved and didn’t pay much attention to anything else, including holidays.
“A valentine is an expression of friendship or love,” Miss Shelly began.
“Like for your mom?” Franny asked.
“Well, sure. You can send your mom a valentine. But valentines also celebrate love for those other than your parents.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” Franny said.
“Here’s an example of something you might write on one,” Miss Shelly continued. “ ‘Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you.’ ”
“And I write this on every valentine?” Franny asked.
“No, no,” said Miss Shelly. “You try to personalize them. You know, express your feelings about the person.”
“Okay. You’re the boss,” Franny said, although she had no idea what Miss Shelly was talking about.
CHAPTER SIX
FRANNY’S VALENTINE–POEM GENERATOR
Later Franny sat at her desk and worked on her assignment.
“I know just the thing to make this much simpler,” she said triumphantly. “I’ll create one valentine that will work for everyone. That will save a lot of time.”
Igor watched quietly, although he really wanted to help.
The next day Franny showed her invention to. Miss Shelly.
“It’s called the Valentine-Poem Generator. You put the same thing on every valentine, and the recipient just chooses one section from each column. It’s called a matrix. This way they can customize it for themselves. There are 625 different combinations.”
FRANNY’S VALENTINE-POEM GENERATOR
Compose your very own valentine poem. Just take one section from each column and put them together in order.
Miss Shelly smiled. She looked at Franny’s card and then back at Franny
“Franny, this is very clever, but maybe I didn’t explain it very well. Perhaps adding some decorations or pictures might help.”
“Oh, yeah!” Franny said. “Like pictures of the boogers and Bigfoot, right?”
“Well, I was thinking about a picture of something more traditional,” Miss Shelly corrected “Like Cupid”
“Cupid?” Franny asked. “What’s that?”
“Well,” Miss Shelly explained, “Cupid is this little naked guy with wings. He flies around shooting people with special arrows.”
Franny was fascinated. “And people like him?”
“People love him.” Miss Shelly laughed. “And sometimes he has little hearts floating around him.”
Franny smiled. “Hmm, hearts. Well, I like that part,” she said.
“And he’s always saying something mushy,” Miss Shelly said.
“Mushy,” Franny said as she took notes. “And this is all there is to this love stuff?” Franny asked.
Miss Shelly smiled. “Well, there are other things, like flowers and candy, I suppose, but Cupid is a good start, Franny.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
DRAWING CONCLUSIONS
Back at home Franny looked over the notes she had made at school.
“Naked. Wings, Arrows,” she mumbled. “And hearts.”
She looked at her drawing.
“Oh, and he always says something mushy,” she whispered. “Let’s see—intestines are pretty mushy.”
“I have the hang of this valentine thing,” Franny said confidently, and she designed a Jew more, just for good measure.
Igor watched quietly, but he really, really, really wanted to help.
CHAPTER EIGHT
CUPID IS AS CUPID DOES
Franny couldn’t wait to show her new valentines to her friends.
Miss Shelly followed the screams.
“See?” Franny said. “Cupid.”
Miss Shelly gasped.
“I had a hard time choosing the mushy thing for him to say, but then I figured that nothing was mushier than guts.”
Miss Shelly was speechless.
“Do you want to see the rest?” Franny asked.
Miss Shelly nodded.
FRANNY’S VALENTINE
“Franny,” Miss Shelly said finally, “you’d better have a look at this.” And she handed Franny a real valentine.
CHAPTER NINE
PINK. CUTE. I’M GOING TO BE SICK.
Franny stared at the card. So this was what Miss Shelly was talking about. This was Cupid all fat, and pink, and adorable.
“Ugh. Now, what is it that this guy does again?” Franny asked.
“He flies around and shoots his little arrows and makes people fall in love.”
“Pretty horrible, huh?” Franny said.
Miss Shelly laughed.
Franny looked at her friends. She still didn’t understand them, but she was crazy about them. So if a naked baby was what they wanted, that’s what they were going to get.
“Okay, Miss Shelly. I understand now,” she said, and Miss Shelly lent her the Cupid card to study.
CHAPTER TEN
WORKING LIKE A DOG
Late that night Franny sat at her desk staring at the Cupid card. She still had a lot of work to do if she was going to get cards for everyone done on time, but her heart just wasn’t in it.
“I’m tired,” she said, and tossed the card aside. “I’ll finish the rest tomorrow.”
Igor watched quietly, but he really, really, really, really, really, really wanted to help.
After Franny went to bed, Igor tried to sleep. But he was still upset about not being allowed to help. He walked around the room looking at Franny’s marvelous experiments in progress and reminded himself not to touch them.
He couldn’t think of anything to do, until he noticed, up on Franny’s desk, his little rubber ball.
CHAPTER, ELEVEN
THAT’S THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES
Igor knew that he was allowed to touch the ball, so he carefully climbed up on the chair and reached for it. He took special care not to touch any of Franny’s things.
Suddenly the wheels on the chair shifted, and Igor knocked the ball over the table edge.
The ball bounced twice, then hit the switch on Franny’s Manifester.
The Manifester fired a beam directly at the Cupid card, which caused an itty-bitty, real-life Cupid to drop out the other side.
And—zwing! zwizz! zwang!—tiny arrows flew toward Igor as the tiny Cupid started shooting, which is exactly what Cupid is supposed to do.
Zwing! Zwizz! Zwang!
Igor dodged left and right. He made sure not to touch anything, just as Franny had told him.
Igor avoided jars he could’ve trapped Cupid in and a butterfly net he could’ve caught him with, because Franny had told him not to touch anything, and Igor was determined to do just as Franny had instructed.
Suddenly Igor heard a click and a zap, followed by a loud crunching crack. One of Cupid’s arrows had bounced off a button on one of Franny’s gizmos.
And that gizmo was the Biggerizer.
CHAPTER, TWELVE
HEY MEISTER, WATCH THE KEISTER
A loud CRUNCH woke Franny and she looked up. Way up. Through the hole in the ceiling she saw the moon in the early morning sky. It looked pinker and squishier than it ever had before.
“Pinker? Squishier?”
Wait a second, Franny thought. That’s not the moon . . . .
That’s the biggest baby butt the world has ever seen.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE HOLIDAY IS UPON US
Franny jumped out of bed in a flash. She was standing right behind Igor as Cupid fluttered off like a big, adorable, incredibly dangerous blimp.
“Igor!” Franny said angrily. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? I told you not to touch anything and you disobeyed me. Now you have released a monster that I don’t know how to stop!”
Franny’s eyes flashed with a terrible mad-scientist madness t
hat made Igor wilt.
“You’re a terrible assistant!” Franny shouted in a voice so angry that she didn’t even sound like herself. “And when I get back, you had better be gone, you sad, ugly, good-for-nothing, little dog.”
Franny snatched the Biggerizer and raced out the door. Igor sat there, brokenhearted, alone. He wondered where sad, ugly, good-for-nothing, little dogs were supposed to go.
Wherever that place is, Igor thought, it sure isn’t here.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
LOVE HURTS
All morning Franny followed Cupid’s trail of destruction.
“He doesn’t understand how big he is or how dangerous these huge arrows are!” Franny said. “He has to be stopped before he skewers somebody!” Cupid, in the distance, was happily firing his arrows in all directions.
And heading right toward him was a school bus loaded with kids.
“Oh, no!” Franny yelled. “Cupid is going to love them to pieces.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD
Franny arrived on the scene just as the bus driver saw the massive Angel of Love.