Venus in copper mdf-3

by Lindsey Davis

  'This man is good!' cried Titus; the kind of guest I like,

  'My younger brother is extremely self-sufficient,' Junia boasted complacently. (Junia had always cursed me as an incompetent clown.) I caught Helena's eye. My sister Junia took great pride in her civilised behaviour and good taste; somehow at any family gathering she seemed stiff and out of place. I was pleased to detect it was Maia the madcap whom Helena already liked best.

  It took four of us to transfer the fish from his bath. I hooked up the cabbage nets on the end of a spoon; the cooked turbot proved firm enough for us to ease him out whole, then swing the cradle onto my brother's Celtic shield which Petronius was holding. As we fiddled about removing the nets, the heat of the fish, conducted through the metal shield with amazing rapidity, was burning his arms. When he complained we told him it was a test of character. 'Be careful of the prong on the underside!'

  'Gods, Marcus; have I got to hold up the fish tray all evening? How can I put this thing down with a spike underneath?'

  My brother-in-law Gaius Baebius, the customs clerk, stepped forward. Gaius Baebius (who would not dream of being mentioned in somebody's memoirs by less than two of his names) silently swung an iron cauldron onto the table top. Petro dropped the boss into the pot, which supported the shield quite steadily; Gaius Baebius had created a two-piece comport of some style.

  My brother-in-law must have been secretly planning this coup since he got here. What a creep.

  The turbot looked wonderful.

  'Oh Marcus, well done!' Helena cried-almost letting some affection show.

  Now the company had expanded, there were the usual party problems: not enough dishes and not enough seats. Titus pretended he did not mind squatting on the floor with his dinner served up on a lettuce leaf, but with my mother present better standards were required. While Mama took a carving knife to the turbot I sent Maia, who had no inhibitions after wine on an empty stomach, rushing off to knock up my neighbours and demand a loan of extra stools and bowls. 'Most of the other apartments are empty, Marcus; your block is a sanctuary for ghosts! I cadged these for you off an old lady upstairs-do you know who I mean?' I knew.

  Remembering what the pretentious Hortensius family served up to Priscillus at their dinner party, you may like to know the menu I produced at mine:

  FISH SUPPER AT THE HOUSE OF M DIDIUS FALCO

  Salad

  The Turbot More Salad

  Fruit

  Plain-but none of it was poisoned, I could guarantee.

  We did have an exquisite wine which Petronius had brought (he told me what it was, but I forgot). And perhaps I exaggerate. My mother's brothers were all market gardeners so our family's idea of a salad had never been just a sliced hard-boiled egg on a bunch of endive leaves. Even my three uninvited sisters sent contributions to make me feel guilty; we had a large tray of white cheeses, plus cold sausage and a bucket of oysters to gobble with the basic greenery. There was food flowing out of the doors-literally, since Junia enjoyed herself more than once taking dishes down to our guest of honour's loitering Praetorians.

  Everyone told me the turbot was delicious. As the cook, I was too busy worrying to taste it myself. The Caraway Sauce must have been an effective side dish, since when I looked round for it the serving jug had been scraped bare. By the time I sat down to eat, the only space was in the corridor. There was so much noise my head ached. Nobody bothered to talk to me since I was merely a tired scullion. I could see my mother squashed in a corner with Petro and his wife, discussing their offspring, probably. My brothers-in-law just ate and drank, or farted surreptitiously. Maia had the hiccups, which was hardly surprising. Junia was taking pains to look after His Caesarship, which he tolerated pleasantly-though he appeared much more taken with Helena Justina.

  Helena's dark eyes constantly watched over my guests; she and Maia were doing good work for me, nudging along the conversation and passing round the food. Helena was beyond my reach. If I called out she would never hear me. I wanted to thank her. I wanted to go across and fetch her, then take her to one of my empty rooms and make passionate love until neither of us could move…

  'Where did you find her?' squealed Maia's voice behind my right ear, as she lurched up to spoon more of the glutinous turbot onto my plate.

  'She found me, I think…'

  'Poor girl, she adores you!'

  I felt like a man stumbling out of the desert. 'Why's that?

  'The way she looks at you!' giggled Maia, the only one of my sisters who was actually fond of me.

  I toyed with my second helping. Then across the hubbub of eight people talking at once Helena raised her head, and noticed me watching her. Her face had always contained a mixture of intelligence and character which jolted me. She smiled slightly. A private signal between us, to tell me everybody was enjoying my party; men a shared moment of stillness after that.

  Titus Caesar bent sideways to say something to Helena; she was answering him in the quiet way she conversed with people publicly-nothing like the tyrant who trampled over me. Titus seemed to admire her as much as I did. Somebody should tell him that when an Emperor's son indulges himself with a visitation to a poor man's house, he could eat the fish and swig the wine and leave his guards outside to amaze the neighbours-but he should draw the line at flirting with the poor man's girl… He had effortlessly impressed all my relations. I hated him for his happy Flavian skill at mucking in.

  'Cheer up!' someone chaffed me, the way people do.

  Helena Justina appeared to be lecturing Titus; she glanced at me, so I realised I was me subject. Helena must be attacking him over the way the Palace treated me. I winked at him; he smiled back sheepishly.

  My sister Junia squeezed past me on her way somewhere. She tossed a glance at Helena. 'Idiot! You must be heading for a tumble there!' she chortled, not bothering to wait and see if I was upset.

  Once again I was the typical host: tired and left out. My fish had gone cold while I brooded. I noticed glumly that where my landlord had has a wall replastered it must have dried out and now there was a crack the whole length of the corridor, wide enough to insert my thumb. So here I was, presiding over an ideal Roman evening: a tasteful dinner for my family, friends, and a patron I respected. Here I was feeling depressed and with a dry mouth; insulted by my sister; watching a handsome Caesar attempt to capture my girlfriend; and knowing that when everyone else reeled off cheerfully, the debris they left behind would take me hours to tidy up.

  One good feature of my family was that once they had eaten and drunk everything they could get their hands on, they vanished speedily. My mother, with the excuse of her age, was leaving first, though not before Petro's wife Silvia had shrieked to prevent Titus from helpfully throwing away the turbot remains. Of course Ma had fixed on carrying off the skeleton and the jelly from the serving tray for stock. Petronius and Silvia were taking my mother home (with her bucket of bones). Titus remembered to say something complimentary to her about Festus (who had served under Titus in Judea). Still reeling from his near disaster with the fish tray his honour decided it would be tactful if he left too. He had already thanked me and was taking Helena lightly by the hand.

  'Camillus Verus' daughter has been defending your interests, Falco!' I wondered if he had heard that my relationship with Helena was more than professional and if he knew how intensely I was trying to keep her here. He appeared unaware of it. A smooth operator, this one.

  I shook my head at her gently. 'I thought we agreed: your role here tonight was to pass round the olives nicely and to count up the winecups before anybody left!'

  Titus was offering Helena transport home.

  'Thank you, sir,' she responded in her firm style. 'Didius Falco has a commission to look after me-'(I used to be her bodyguard.) Titus tried to insist. 'He needs the money!' she hissed, quite openly.

  Titus laughed. 'Oh, I'll give him the money -'

  'No use, sir,' Helena quipped. 'Without the work he won't take any payment-you know how touc
hy Falco is!'

  But she was a senator's daughter. I had no public claim on her. It was impossible to cause the Emperor's son offence by quarrelling on the doorstep over a matter of simple etiquette, so finally I lost Helena among the noisy throng which was escorting Titus downstairs to the street.

  It was rude of me, but I felt so depressed I stayed upstairs. Once my relatives had trampled down three flights to the thoroughfare and waved my Imperial visitor back to the Palantine, they saw no reason to march back up again, merely to say goodbye to me. They went home. The respectable citizens of the Piscina Publica must have winced at the racket as they left.

  The apartment was dismally quiet. I braced myself for a long night clearing up. I flipped some strands of watercress into a rubbish pail, straightened a couple of cups lethargically, then collapsed on a bench in the traditional manner of a weary host, as I stared at the mess.

  A door closed behind me. Someone with gentle fingers and a delicate sense of timing tickled my neck. I bent forwards to give her more scope. 'Is mat you?'

  'It's me.' A girl with a conscience. Naturally she had stayed behind to help me wash the plates.

  Chapter XLV

  I should have expected it. The real question was, whether I could persuade her to stay with me afterwards.

  I decided to do the housework first, and the hard stuff when I was too tired to feel any pain.

  Helena and I made a useful team. I could square up to hard work. She was fastidious, but shrank from nothing that needed to be done. 'Which end of the street is the midden?' Grasping two disagreeable slop buckets she paused in the outer doorway.

  'Stand them out on the landing tonight. The neighbourhood seems peaceful, but never take the risk in the dark.' Helena was sensible, but there were a lot of things I needed to teach her about plebian domestic life.

  Still from the corridor she called, 'Marcus, have you seen this crack in your wall? Is it structural?'

  'Probably!'

  We finished in the end. The smell of fish still pervaded the house but everything was clean except the floor, which I could wash down tomorrow. 'Thanks; you're a gem.'

  'I quite enjoyed it.'

  'I enjoy knowing it's finished! There's a difference, my love, between doing the work of twenty servants once for fun-and doing it every day.' I sat for some minutes, polishing my good bronze spoons; taking my time. 'Something you're not telling me?' Helena said nothing. 'You might as well spill it; you've run away from home.' Even when we were on the best of terms she grew restless if I seemed to understand her private motives too well. In fact with Helena, nudging her into opening up had always been part of the challenge. She scowled. I scowled back at her. 'I am a professional informer, Helena-I can decipher clues! As well as your father's reading couch, there's a box here with your second-best dress and your life savings -'

  'I'm wearing my second-best dress,' she contradicted me.

  'The box is for the title deeds from my Aunt Valeria's legacy -'

  When I fall in love as heavily as I had done with Helena Justina, I soon enquire what I have let myself in for. I knew her aunt's Sabine farm was a fraction of Helena's portfolio. I knew Helena too; it sounded as if she was deliberately turning her back on any income which her father had allowed her.

  'Fallen out with your family?'

  'If I'm disgracing myself I cannot take family property.'

  'That bad, is it?' I frowned. Helena was not the usual spoiled society kitten, stamping her foot and demanding the freedom to be scandalous. She loved her family. She would hate upsetting them. I was none too keen on having persuaded her to do it-then letting her down.

  She surprised me by trying to explain: 'I'm twenty-three; I have been married and divorced; but it is a disgrace to leave my parents' house-I simply cannot settle down at home any more.' There was a difference between running away from the conventional life of a dutiful daughter and running to me. Which was this?

  'They trying to make you marry again? Some stiff-backed senatorial stripe?'

  'Now you live here,' she suggested (ignoring the question), 'I could take over your old apartment -'

  'Not on your own.'

  'I'm not afraid!'

  'Then you ought to be. Fountain Court frightened me.'

  'I'm sorry,' Helena said glumly. 'I should have let Titus take me home -'

  'To Hades with Titus.' We had an unfinished quarrel, which was impeding a sensible decision here. If we started fighting at this time of night, the results might be disastrous. 'If you want to go, I'll take you home. But tell me first what you were coming here to say.' She closed her eyes wearily, blocking me out. 'Helena, you owe me that!'

  'I wanted to ask if there was still a vacancy for a girl to take messages.'

  'For the right applicant.' She said nothing, but she looked at me again. 'Stay here tonight and think about it,' I said quietly. 'I'll give you a good home. I'd hate to find you sleeping rough in temple doorways and begging coppers from passers-by at the Probus Bridge!' Helena was still uncertain. 'We have a bed and a couch; you can choose; I'm not asking you to share with me.'

  'You have the bed,' Helena said.

  'All right. Don't worry; I can keep my hands off you.' Luckily I was exhausted, or that might not have been true. I heaved myself upright. 'In my bedroom there's a wicker chair begging for an owner. Here's a lamp; here's some warm water you can take to wash. Is that enough?'

  She nodded and left me.

  We had achieved something. I was not certain what. But Helena Justina had taken a huge step-and I would have to see it through with her.

  Restless, I tried to scrub the fishiness off myself, then pottered about like a regular householder: fixing shutters; dousing braziers; feeling big. Now that I had Helena to look after, I locked the outer door. I was not sure whether this was to keep out cat burglars, or keep Helena in.

  I whistled as a warning, then went in, carrying two beakers of warm honey drink. Lamplight flickered in the draught I caused. Helena was curled up on her father's couch, plaiting her hair. With Galla's chair and Helena's box and other things, the little room looked cosy; it felt right. 'I brought you a drink. Anything else you need?' Me, for instance? She shook her head apprehensively.

  I put her beaker where she could reach it, then shuffled towards the door. 'I usually add cloves, but tell me if you don't like it and I'll leave them out next time.'

  'Marcus, you look unhappy. Is it my fault?'

  'I think it's the case.'

  'What's wrong?'

  'That freedman was murdered despite my pitiful efforts. His cook is dead too-and it's partly my fault. I have to decide tomorrow what I want to do.'

  'Will you tell me about it?'

  'Tonight?'

  Helena Justina smiled at me. Taking an interest would be part of her new role. She intended to ask constant questions, vet my clients, interfere… I could handle that. Fighting over my work with Helena would be glorious. Her smile grew; she had seen my grin. I sat in Galla's chair, balanced my hot drink on my knee, and finally told Helena everything that had happened since we last had a chance to talk.

  Almost everything. Being nearly seduced by Severina seemed not worth mentioning. 'Is that all?' Helena asked.

  'First the Hortensius women hired me to entrap Severina. Now they've dumped me, and she wants me to indict them…'

  Helena considered my options while I gazed fondly at her. 'Pollia and Atilia have excluded you from the Hortensius house, which is a blow. I think you should accept Severina as a client. If she is innocent, what's to lose? And if she's guilty it gives you more chance to prove it and do right by your late friend the cook. Besides,' Helena concluded, 'Severina has to pay you if you work for her.'

  'Can't object to that!' I did not mention my fear that the gold-digger might be expecting to pay me in kind.

  'Feel better?'

  'Mmm. Thanks. I'll go and see Severina tomorrow.' Time for bed. 'Also, daughter of Camillus Verus, I must call on your noble papa to expla
in how I have dishonoured you -'

  'No case to answer! I dishonoured myself.'

  'Your father may quibble. A scruff who lures off a senator's daughter is held to have injured her father's good name.'

  Helena dismissed it: 'Any father should be proud to discover his daughter dines on turbot with the elder son of the Emperor as her fellow guest.'

  'Sweetheart, sometimes in the Falco house, we do not dine at all!' She was looking tired. I picked up the lamp. Our eyes met. I walked to the doorway. 'I won't kiss you goodnight. But that's only because if I did, I could not trust myself to stop.'

  'Marcus, at the moment I cannot tell what I want -'

  'No. But it's plain what you don't want-'She started to speak but I hushed her. 'The first rule of this household is, don't argue with the master; however I expect you to break that.' I quenched the lamp. Under cover of darkness I added, 'The second rule is, be kind to him because he loves you.'

  'I can do that. What else?'

  'Nothing. That's all. Except, Helena Justina-welcome to my house!'

  Chapter XLVI

  Severina spotted the change in me immediately. 'What happened to you?'

  'A good dinner last night.' Since relations with Helena were on such a tentative basis, I had decided to keep news of my lodger to myself. Anyway, vetting clients might be Helena's business but Helena Justina's position was no concern of my clients.

  'Is that all?' Severina demanded jealously. The words sounded familiar.

  I told her I was accepting her commission. I would investigate two avenues: relations between the Hortensius and Priscillus empires, and the exact details of the dinner the night Novus died. She asked if she could assist, and looked surprised when I said no. 'You were a suspect, Zotica. Best stand back.'

  'Well, if I think of anything helpful I can call in at your apartment -'

  'No, don't do that. I let one of my rooms to a subtenant, whom I don't trust alone with female visitors. I'll come to you.'