The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  She smiled at me. “Actually, the A is for abdricane. The B is for brodicle.”

  I looked at Sabrina. “Does that mean anything to you?”

  Sabrina shrugged. “I don’t speak witch.” I noticed a bit of blood in her teeth as she spoke, so I knew she was ready for action. I felt better knowing we had the upper hand.

  Abigail leaned back, sweeping her finger through the dust in an arc around her. She reached back with her other hand and continued the arc around her, sweeping her arm around to complete the circle.

  I laughed. “Regardless, the spell won’t work because her name isn’t Dana.”

  Abigail gave me a smile. “You are kinda cute.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And if I didn’t have other obligations, and if you weren’t about to die, I might increase the love spell to draw you in.”

  “You don’t need a love spell to hook up with me. There’s an earth mother vibe in you that makes me want to get close to nature. I think you’re hot and you don’t need the extra ingredients in the perfume to make me think that.”

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “Still, I think it’s time you told us what’s going on.”

  She drew a few more shapes inside the circle. They looked like squiggly lines. Nothing important.

  “I could tell you about my coven, the Dark Ones, ghosts, goblins, things that go bump in the night, but there’s something much more important to focus on.”

  “Our growing attraction?”

  “You stole something from me, Brett.”

  “Your heart, I hope.”

  She laughed. “Not quite, but if it’s any consolation, you’re a good kisser.” She looked at Sabrina. “Is there a problem?”

  Sabrina didn’t answer. Blood trickled from between her lips and her eyes grew wide.

  “You okay, Cheese Whiz?”

  She started shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach pit.

  Abigail smiled. “Don’t worry, Brett. I’m not a killer. But for future reference, if you see that a witch is drawing out a sigil, and she’s not on your team, you might think twice before allowing her to complete the spell.”

  I wasn’t paying as much attention to her because Sabrina tipped over sideways and her fit increased. I crawled over to Sabrina, and tried to hold her still, but she vibrated faster. Blood dripped on the floor. I wanted to do something, but my magic would destroy the entire house before I could bring it under control.

  “Sabrina?” I said. “Break free, girl. This needs to stop now.”

  Abigail kept smiling. “So her name is Sabrina. Good to know.”

  I pushed away from Sabrina and rushed at Abigail, but slammed into a force field.

  “Protected circle, moron,” she said. “You have a few things of mine, and I want them back. One is my wallet. The other is the necklace.”

  “Let Sabrina go.”

  “I’ll call you to arrange a trade later. This time, answer your phone.”

  “Let her go!”

  “You did get one thing right,” Abigail said, her smile growing more irritating. “The D was for a name. Not Dana, though. It’s for Demetrius. Abdicane brodicle Demetrius!”

  Smoke burst into the circle, obscuring my view of Abigail.

  “No!” Demetrius yelled. He shot forward into the circle. It allowed him to pass through.

  A flash damn near blinded me, and the smoke rolled out from the circle. I coughed and moved forward, no longer blocked because the power of the circle was gone.

  But as the smoke cleared, I saw that both Abigail and Demetrius were gone too.

  “What happened?” Sabrina asked, sitting up and wiping blood from her mouth.

  “We got played.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “How could you be so goddamn stupid?” Lakesha asked.

  We sat in her backroom around her small fortune telling table, though the cards weren’t in sight. By we I mean Sabrina, Lakesha, and me. And the damn cat, too. But the cat was off in a corner licking a paw and rubbing said paw over her face. She had more important things to do than watch Lakesha dress me down.

  “It wasn’t just me,” I said. “Sabrina was there.”

  “Right,” Sabrina said. “Throw me under the bus.”

  “You’re the one who can control magic. If I’d done anything, I’d have destroyed a city block,” I said.

  “Right. If you’d wake up at a reasonable hour, I could teach you to control your magic.”

  “One in the afternoon is reasonable,” I said.

  “Both of you shut up,” Lakesha said.

  “I knew we should have made something up,” I said.

  “Honesty is the best policy,” Sabrina said.

  “Unless it gets your ass in trouble.”

  “I said, shut up,” Lakesha said.

  Sabrina and I did as she commanded.

  “Thank you,” Lakesha said and rubbed her temples. “So Regina’s inside you now?”

  I felt her trying to goad me into killing myself, so I nodded.

  “And our current best guess is that they messed up and didn’t realize Regina was a suicide?”

  Sabrina and I shrugged.

  “What did she say?”

  I moved my mouth as if I were speaking, but didn’t let any sound come out. She had told me to shut up, after all.

  “Don’t get cute with me, boy. Speak.”

  “She didn’t say much. She shoved the damn ghost inside me, and as that ghost is trying to get me to kill myself, I’d like to have Regina removed soon.”

  “I don’t know if I can do anything about that.”

  “Um, you kinda have to do something about that.”

  “We’ll worry about that in a bit. What does Abigail want?”

  “She wants the jewel and her wallet.”

  Lakesha nodded. “Of course she wants her wallet.”

  “I should charge up her credit cards. Serve her right for trying to kill me.”

  “Let’s focus on the necklace. They stole it for a reason.”

  “Because it’s worth a lot of money?”

  “Abigail could have taken more jewelry. She took that one necklace in particular.”

  “Why not just buy it?”

  “The price tag was upwards of ten grand. Speaking of which, you should return it.”

  “When this is over.”

  Lakesha shook her head. She pushed herself to her feet, went through the tapestry, and returned with an iPad. She set it down, pressed the button, and signed in. A webpage lit up on the screen with a picture of a black jewel, only it wasn’t as nice as the one I’d taken.

  “Black onyx,” she said.

  “Our jewel looks like it has an eye in the center, though.”

  “Hence the name, Eye of the Tiger.”

  “Maybe the guy who owns the jewelry store is a big Rocky III fan.” I broke into my best Mr. T. “I pity the fool who takes my jewel. I’m gonna bust you up.”

  “Pop quiz, Brat. What is black onyx?”

  “A rock.”

  Lakesha rolled her eyes. “What’s it used for?”

  “Right now it’s hanging on my bedroom door, so it’s a decoration.”

  “In magic, dumbass.”

  Sabrina raised her hand.

  “I know you know,” Lakesha said. “I want to know if Brat knows.”

  I gave up on correcting her, hoping she’d get tired of mangling my name in a few years. “I’ll take the shortstop in Who’s on First? for a thousand, Alex.”

  “You’re going to give a darn.”

  “Just tell me in six words or less.”

  “Protection against magic and curses.”

  “See? That wasn’t so hard?”

  “Also good to reduce sexual impulses.”

  “Why would anyone want to do that?”

  She smacked my arm. “They need the jewel for protection, obviously. But why abduct ghosts?”

  “To kill people?”

  “From what you
said, they didn’t know Regina was a suicide. Taking her and throwing her into a normal man made him kill himself.”

  “Looked like he fell to me,” I said.

  Lakesha shook her head. “I watched the recording a few times. I think he intentionally went over the rail. Regina wanted to die, so anyone who tries to take her inside is going to want to die.”

  I remembered how easy it was for me to slip a noose around my neck. “The initial impact is sure tough to fight if you don’t know it’s coming.”

  “And it must grow if you’re not successful. How are you feeling now?”

  “Like it’s nap time. Regular nap. Not dirt nap.”

  “You don’t feel her trying to compel you to kill yourself?”

  “Sure, but suicide takes effort. I’m far too lazy for that.”

  “Keep me apprised of the situation. If she starts pushing harder, I need to know.”

  “You do know a way to remove her, right?”

  “Maybe.”

  “So get her out.”

  Lakesha shook her head. “Not yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re a powerful wizard. You should be able to expel her yourself.”

  “I told her to leave. She refused. Can you draw one of those triangles on my forearm to rid me of this pain-in-the-ass ghost?”

  “It would take two of them. Tradition dictates it must be one on each forearm, but your right arm is already taken.”

  I turned my forearm up. The pain had dropped to a dull ache. “Yeah, that was a brilliant idea. Suffer through all the pain to get the deck into my arm and the first card that comes up tells me I’m ruined.”

  She looked at the Ten of Swords. “Maybe you should have stayed in bed today.”

  “Thank you.”

  “May I speak now?” Sabrina asked.

  “Not unless you have a way to get the ghost out of me.”

  “You could kill yourself,” Sabrina said.

  “You’re a riot, Cheese Dip.”

  “Seriously, can’t you just push her out with white light?”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “Guess you should have paid attention in magic class.”

  “That’s so helpful. Thanks for that.”

  “Focus inside yourself, picture a ball of white light, and expand it outward, commanding anything evil to leave.”

  “I’ll give it the old college try.”

  “You didn’t go to college.”

  I flipped her off, then focused on imagining a ball of white light inside me. My thoughts turned to any intruder, Regina in particular, to get the hell out of me. I imagined the light growing and pushing everything out. My eyes were closed, but everything brightened.

  “Stop!” Lakesha said.

  Isis meowed and hissed.

  I dropped my focus and opened my eyes.

  Lakesha and Sabrina had their arms up, faces turned away, blocking a brightness that was no longer there.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “The entire room lit up.”

  Isis raced over, jumped onto my lap, and tried to scratch my face. I leaned backward, trying to avoid her claws, and the chair toppled over. I hit the floor hard and grunted. Isis leaped off me and darted through the beaded curtain into the store.

  I rolled off the chair to my hands and knees and picked myself up off the floor. I righted the chair. “Damn cat,” I said.

  “You scared her,” Lakesha said.

  “Poor kitty,” Sabrina said. She blinked a few times. “I have spots of color floating in front of me. That was blinding.”

  “So I’m a bright student after all,” I said and tried to rub my aching back. I couldn’t reach the spot that hurt where the chair dug into me.

  “Is Regina gone?” Lakesha asked.

  I frowned. “No. I can feel her pushing me to find a blade and slit my wrists.”

  “Okay, you need to talk to her. Establish communication.”

  “Hey, bitch, you in there?” I said.

  “Establish rapport, dipshit. Don’t antagonize her.”

  “She wants me to kill myself. That makes it hard to be nice to her.”

  “Find a way. We’ll try to figure a spell to get her out.”

  “Can’t we do the triangle thing somewhere else? Maybe on my upper arms? My legs? Something like that?”

  “How about the hands?” Sabrina asked.

  Lakesha shrugged. “Can’t hurt to try.”

  “Do they have to be tattoos?” I asked.

  “No. Temporary solutions are better for something like this. Wait here.”

  She went back into her private room and returned with a black magic marker.

  “Hold out your hands,” she said.

  I obeyed. She popped the cap and drew a triangle on my right palm. She drew an identical triangle on my left palm. Then she drew circles inside each triangle and colored them in.

  She hesitated, still holding one of my hands.

  “Something wrong?” I asked.

  “Trying to decide which language to use for the spell.”

  “Latin?”

  She shook her head.

  “Enochian?” Sabrina asked.

  “We’re not trying to invoke angels here,” Lakesha said. “Screw it, I’ll just go with Theban.”

  “Is that particular to blasting ghosts or something?”

  She shook her head and started drawing symbols. “It’s a standard witches’ alphabet. I use this in my own Book of Shadows and on talismans, and sigils. I also use it on street signs, buildings, roads, you name it.”

  I’d seen her scribblings hidden in the infrastructural markings on sidewalks and roads around town. It gave her instant access to spells should she need them in areas she liked to frequent.

  “How many alphabets do you know?” I asked.

  “More than you.”

  “Since I only know one, that’s not saying much.”

  “You’ll learn.”

  “Good luck with that,” I said.

  She turned to stare into my eyes. “You’ll learn,” she said again, her voice all ominous.

  I wiggled my fingers at her. “Oooh!” I said. “Just get this ghost out of me.”

  She went to a cabinet, took out a bag of leaves. “This is agrimony,” she said. “It’s helpful in removing curses.”

  “Do I roll it up and smoke it?” I asked.

  She sighed. “Keep your hands out and open.”

  I extended my hands and opened them, palms up. She sprinkled leaves on the black circles.

  She spoke a few words in an odd language and pointed at my hands. The leaves burst into flame and I flinched, shaking my hands.

  “Son of a bitch!” I said, standing up. My hands burned, and I blew on my palms. I rubbed them on my shirt, smearing ash. “That hurt.”

  “Of course it did,” she said.

  “You could have warned me.”

  She grinned. “More fun not to.”

  “Bitch,” I said.

  She smacked me upside the head. “That’s witch,” she said. “Now, focus on the circles in your palms, and push Regina out through the pain.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Just focus and try it.”

  I aimed my palms away from me. Sabrina stepped out of the potential line of fire. Lakesha stood beside me and chanted a few words I couldn’t have spelled or pronounced.

  Focus. Regina begone. I pushed energy out through my palms, flexing invisible muscles I didn’t know I had. A blast of energy shot out of my palms and blew a hole in the wall.

  “Oops.”

  Lakesha smacked my head.

  “Stop that,” I said. “You’re going to give me a concussion.”

  “You’re going to fix that hole.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Is she out?”

  The urge to put my palms to my head and blast my brains out surged strong.

  Time to die!

  I didn’t obey her
command.

  “Nope,” I said. “But she’s talking to me now.”

  Die! Die! Die!

  “Talk to her,” Lakesha said.

  “Hi, Regina,” I said.

  “You don’t have to say it out loud,” Lakesha said. “Think to her. She’s inside you. She’ll read your thoughts.”

  “I sure hope not,” I said.

  “Was that to me or her?” Lakesha asked.

  “She can read my mind?” I asked.

  “When you direct a thought to her, she’ll hear it. Other than that, she’d need to be inside you a long time to assimilate.”

  “Okay. Here goes.”

  Hi, Regina, I thought.

  Die! Die! Die!

  How’s death treating you?

  Die! Die! Die!

  Yeah, I get that. I don’t want to die, so you need to get out of me. You can go hang yourself at home if you like.

  Die! Die! Die!

  You sure like to stay on message.

  Die! Die! Die!

  Say something else or I’ll get “It’s a Small World” stuck in my head on auto repeat and then you’ll really want to die.

  Regina went silent, then: Please don’t do that.

  “I’ve got her number,” I said.

  “Good,” Lakesha said. “Talk to her.”

  I’m Brett, but you probably know that.

  I do.

  Can you please get out of me?

  I don’t know how.

  Then can you please stop with the suicidal tendencies? Unless of course, it’s the band. If there’s a “War Inside My Head,” I have to tell you that “Nobody Hears” and “You Can’t Bring Me Down.”

  What?

  Music, Regina. Good tunes. After your time, I guess, but “How Will I Laugh Tomorrow” if you kill me?

  I want to kill me.

  Hate to break it to you, but like Bruce Willis in that old movie, you’re already dead.

  Then I deserve to die again.

  Why?

  Because I let my family down. I should have saved my sister and my nephew.

  “What’s she saying?” Lakesha asked.

  “She wants to die again. She has a one-track mind. You’d think that after spending so many years with her nephew, that she’d get over it.”

  “Something you haven’t considered is that maybe she can’t see Demetrius,” Lakesha said. “Ghosts sometimes operate on separate frequencies from one another.”