The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  “She doesn’t like the same flavor two days in a row, but I haven’t been to the store.”

  “Right.” I lifted the rubber lid of the Dumpster to be assaulted by a smell from the mouth of Hell.

  I let the lid drop and waved a hand in front of my face.

  “Is she in there?” Lakesha asked,

  “I didn’t look. The Dumpster needs to be power-washed with Febreze.”

  “I don’t care if it stinks. Look inside.”

  “You think the cat can lift the lid?”

  “You’d be amazed what she can do.”

  “I’m not buying it.”

  “Isis?” Lakesha said.

  “No sound from the trash. I think we’re good.”

  I continued down the alley. A stack of black plastic pallets leaned against a brick building. Behind the pallets, a homeless man curled up with a bottle. He wore dirty shorts, cracked flip flops, and a torn Hawaiian shirt with colorful rhododendrons, though some of those colors were not original to the pattern.

  I kicked his foot.

  “Dude,” I said. “You see a black cat come through here?”

  He opened an eye and held out a grubby mitt. “Can you spare some change?”

  “Did you see a cat or not?”

  “I’ve been napping.”

  “A man after my own heart,” I said. “I should be napping.”

  He patted the pavement beside him. “There’s room here.”

  “Pass,” I said. I dug a bill out of my pocket. It was a fiver, but I didn’t have anything smaller. I shrugged and handed it to him. “Thanks anyway.”

  He accepted the bill, crumpled it, and shoved it in his shirt pocket. “No cats around here lately. No rats either. Just the old man who sits on the roof and watches everything. He’s up there now, unless I slept through him coming down, or unless he got down somewhere else.”

  “Not sure I care about some old man. We’re trying to find the cat.”

  “Cat won’t be up there. Animals run away from the old man.”

  “Don’t pay him any mind,” Lakesha said.

  “You don’t think there’s an old man?” I asked.

  “Of course there is. The old man is a ghost from the Great Storm. He sits on the roof at night, hoping to catch people floating by in the water.”

  “There’s no water up there.”

  “He’s in a loop.”

  “Maybe he saw the cat.”

  “He sees the year 1900, Brat. I’ve seen him for as long as I’ve had a shop here. Let’s go.”

  “Demetrius sees the present.”

  “Regina doesn’t.”

  “Don’t wake her up,” I said. “I don’t want her telling me to die over and over again. She’s been quiet so far today.”

  Lakesha moved down the alley. “Isis!”

  I put my hands over my ears because Lakesha’s yell could have carried over a Manowar concert.

  I stopped halfway down the alley and pointed at a sigil painted on the building. “Your work?”

  Lakesha glanced at it. “Of course. I have sigils all over Galveston Island.”

  “Can’t you locate Isis using them?”

  “I have a few location sigils, but none in this alley. I have wards around to signal me if anything evil passes by.”

  “How often does that happen?”

  “More often than you’d think.”

  “If it happens once, it’s more often than I’d think.”

  “You already know my magic works.”

  “I just don’t buy into the whole notion of things being evil. I think we’re all a mix of good and bad.”

  “There are evil things in the world, Brett. Evil people, too.”

  “Then I’m glad it’s daytime, because at night, the way you said that might creep me out.”

  “Evil can operate in broad daylight every bit as much as good can operate under cover of darkness.”

  “That’s not very reassuring.”

  “Good. You need to know that because as you start working on your magic, you’ll draw things to you that crave your power.”

  “And that’s more incentive to not do anything at all. Far better to stay off the radar.”

  “You can make a difference,” she said. “Hell, I make a difference. But with your power, you can make a big difference. Once you develop your skills, you can face down the darkest evils crawling in our dimension.”

  “Time out,” I said. “I didn’t sign up for fighting evil. I just want to keep my money coming in.”

  She nodded. “And you want to do as little as possible to manage that.”

  “It’s the least I can do,” I said. “And I’m always interested in doing the least I can do.”

  Lakesha crossed her arms. “That attitude can get you killed.”

  “Not if I don’t get involved in any crazy schemes to fight evil.”

  “You’re hunting Abigail.”

  “She’s not evil. Besides, I just want to sleep with her. That damn spell boosted my already rampant sex drive. But once I tap that ass, I’ll probably get bored with her and move on. It’s a gift.”

  “It’s a fear of intimacy and connection.”

  We reached the end of the building and moved back toward the main street. No sign of the cat.

  Over by the entrance to the shop, a man leaned against the building holding Isis. He stroked her back, and when I spotted him, he waved.

  I recognized him instantly. It was Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. Not the Gong Show dude, but Abigail’s warlock guy. I had no idea whether or not the guy could dance, but Isis sure proved she has shitty taste in humans because when we walked up to Gene, the damn cat was purring.

  He wore a white shirt, though, so maybe that had something to do with it. To a black cat, a white shirt is like catnip. I wanted to believe that, anyway. Mostly, I just thought the cat was stupid.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  “Well, if it isn’t the bad guy,” I said.

  Lakesha slapped my arm and moved past me. She reached for the cat. “Oh, Isis, where did you go, baby?”

  “She was sitting in front of your door,” Gene said.

  “Thank you for holding her for me.”

  “My pleasure,” he said. “I’m here so we can have a friendly discussion.”

  “Nice try, Gene,” I said.

  He looked at me funny. “My name isn’t Gene.”

  “Get the door, Brett,” Lakesha said. She stroked Isis.

  I opened the door. Lakesha carried Isis inside. Gene went next, and I followed him after looking up and down the street in case Abigail was waiting to make a sneak attack. I sniffed the air in two directions. No sign of the perfume.

  I went inside.

  Lakesha set Isis down on the counter. Gene, or whatever his name was, went over and scratched her under the chin. She rubbed up against him. Had to be the shirt.

  I wore a black T-shirt, so when I reached over to try and pat her on the head, she took a swipe at me. I pulled back my hand just in time.

  “You’re right, Lakesha. Some things are evil.”

  “Hush, child.” She motioned for Gene to follow her through the beaded curtain.

  I walked behind him, ready to try and block him should he try to avoid going back. That seemed silly since he’d come of his own volition, but if I was going to think words like volition, I had to be ready for anything.

  Lakesha sat in one of the chairs around her omnipresent table. There I went, pitching out ten dollar words again. I was baffled by the damn cat. Why did Isis like a bad guy, but not me?

  “Have a seat, sir,” Lakesha said.

  Gene sat.

  “I’m Lakesha,” she said, “and you’re…”

  “Not.”

  “Ol’ Gene doesn’t want to give his real name,” I said, spinning a chair around so the back faced the table. I straddled it and rested my arms on the back. “Doesn’t want us to have power over him, so we’ll have to detest him incognito.”

  �
��That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said all day,” Lakesha said.

  “Why are you calling me Gene?”

  “Because that’s what your name tag said in the jewelry store.”

  The light went on over his head. Not literally, of course. I shouldn’t have to mention that, but with magic involved, it’s probably a good thing to make sure I’m clearer than I would be if I were talking to my bandmates, Chuck or Teddy.

  “Ah, yes,” he said. “I borrowed the tag from the employee I tied up behind the counter. Just call me Mr. Black.”

  I smiled. “Maybe I should call you Quincy.”

  He looked surprised, but his mouth twitched into a telling grin as he nodded. “Abigail’s phone.”

  “As I doubt that’s your name either, I’ll just keep calling you Gene,” I said.

  “Suit yourself.”

  “What can we do for you, Mr. Black?” Lakesha asked.

  “We need one more witch for our ritual, and we need the black onyx your student stole from us.”

  “Why didn’t Abigail come to get it?” I asked.

  “She doesn’t like you, and she didn’t realize how susceptible you’d be to the perfume. It doesn’t make much sense. Most people like her because of it, but none of them get obsessed the way you seem to be.”

  “She’s hot.”

  “She’s attractive, but she doesn’t seem like your type. Looking at you with your concert T-shirt, long hair, and attitude, I’d say you prefer the pretty, but vacuous type.”

  “Other women can see through his bullshit,” Lakesha said. “Just ignore him. You came to see me.”

  “I sensed your energy in the mall. I noted your sigils and wards there, and then followed the energy signal back here. You have wards all over town.”

  “And they didn’t signal to me that you were here.”

  He shrugged. “I like to keep my energy off the grid as it were.”

  “Interesting. And Abigail?”

  “She has, shall we say, different strategies for applying her magic spells. You, on the other hand, like to prepare in advance. You have sigils and wards for protection, location, energy storage, and observation all over.”

  “My brother was a Boy Scout.”

  “I didn’t know you had a brother,” I said. “Your husband Paul was Regina’s brother, right?”

  Lakesha glared at me, then softened her expression when she looked at Gene.

  He smiled. “This one does like to spill the information, doesn’t he?”

  “That he does.”

  He nodded. “I was wondering why anyone would track down a forgotten ghost. She was your sister-in-law.”

  “Why did you abduct her?” Lakesha asked.

  “Ritual requirements. I’d be happy to explain it all should you choose to join us.”

  “Why should we join you, Gene?” I asked.

  “The invitation does not extend to you, sir,” Gene said.

  I looked behind me. Nobody there. So he actually called me “sir.” How odd.

  “I’d like Brett to remain at the table,” Lakesha said. “This could be a teachable moment.”

  “In that case, I’ll wait outside,” I said.

  “Stay here,” she said.

  “Learning hurts my brain.”

  “Then this won’t hurt at all,” Gene said. “I seriously doubt you have the intellect to understand or retain the information Lakesha and I are about to discuss.”

  “That was a lot of words there,” I said.

  Lakesha slapped my hand.

  “Ow.”

  “Behave,” she said.

  “What’s a have and how do I be one?”

  “Silence is a good start.”

  I mimed zipping my lips, locking a lock, tossing the key away, slipping a padlock into place and closing it, then wrapping tape around my head, but by then they weren’t paying attention so I stopped.

  “You’ll need to be forthcoming with me,” Lakesha said. “I need to know a few things before I make any decision one way or the other.”

  “You know I’m not a bad man,” he said.

  “If you are, you’re very good at hiding it from my wards.”

  “I’m part of a coven in Houston. None of us have any money, and we haven’t been able to do anything about the Dark Ones.”

  “Dark Ones?” I asked. Abigail had mentioned them.

  “Hush,” Lakesha said. “Let him speak.”

  I sighed. I’d heard of the Dark Ones before Abigail mentioned them, of course. Wizard parents use them to scare little wizard kids. Work your magic or the Dark Ones will come. But I never thought they were real.

  But why did I care?

  I was the classic underachiever.

  “We needed black onyx to complete a ritual,” Gene said. “And based on the spell, it needed to be a particular size and weight. We located one in the jewelry store in the mall, but it was rather expensive, and we couldn’t afford it.”

  “So you stole it,” Lakesha said.

  “We needed it. Our first plan was to combine magic to send a ghost in to possess the employee, so he could carry the stone out to us. Weston spotted the employee on the escalator and made his move, but we couldn’t control the ghost. We knew she’d killed herself—she was stuck in a loop—but we didn’t know the measure of her grief. Ghosts in a loop are normally easier to control because they don’t see beyond their lives.”

  “Not without certain impulses,” Lakesha said.

  “Maybe she sensed Demetrius there, but couldn’t see him,” I said.

  “Of course she sensed him,” Lakesha said. “Let our guest speak.”

  “That would explain why her grief was so strong. Why she really wants to off herself, and now me with her.”

  Lakesha turned to stare at me. “You’re more insightful than normal today.” Then she stared at Gene. She grinned. “That’s very subtle,” she said. “I’m impressed. Now that I’m aware of it, I can feel the waves coming off you, but they’re very well disguised. Nicely done.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “I meant no offense,” Gene said. “I’ll stop. We’re just out of options here. The Dark Ones have devoured most of the ghosts in Houston. Some of the ghosts fled, of course. The Dark Ones may be coming to Galveston next, and the ghosts here can’t escape because very few can cross bodies of water on their own.”

  I looked from Gene to Lakesha and back. “Wait a second,” I said. “Are you influencing me with magic?”

  “It was aimed at Lakesha, but you picked up on it.”

  “Phew,” I said and brushed my forehead with the back of my hand. “For a second there, I actually cared about your bullshit problems.”

  “At least we now know you have the capacity to care,” Lakesha said.

  “Huh?”

  Gene sighed. “The spell amplified the caring and desire to help and to be a part of things,” he said. “But it has to have something to work with.”

  “You’re saying I care?”

  “Only a little, so relax,” Lakesha said and patted my hand. She focused on Gene. “Now let’s try this again without the magic.”

  “I’ve been honest with you. We’re short a coven member, and we can’t work the ritual with eleven of us.”

  “I thought there were only two of you,” I said.

  “His lack of intelligence and insight is back to normal,” Lakesha said. “Please continue.”

  “Wait. There were three. Oh,” I said, finally getting it. “You have other members in your coven we haven’t seen.”

  “I don’t mind enhancing his insight and thoughtfulness for the duration of our conversation,” Gene said.

  “Dude, that was rude,” I said.

  “Just ignore him. I’ll explain things to him in terms he’ll understand when you’re finished.”

  “Very well.”

  “And, Brett, stop interrupting,” Lakesha said.

  I used my index fingers as drumsticks on the t
able, tapping out a rhythm.

  “And stop drumming.”

  “I could put him to sleep,” Gene said.

  “Let me think about that,” Lakesha said.

  “I don’t need help sleeping,” I said. “But since you want me to sleep, I’m going to be defiant and stay awake.”

  “And?”

  I rested my arms on the back of the chair again then placed my chin on my hands, giving her my sad puppy dog look. “And I’ll be quiet.”

  Gene started to say something, then stopped and looked at me expectantly. I didn’t take the bait. So he focused on Lakesha. “As I said, we were forced to steal the onyx because we couldn’t control the ghost. Weston pulled her back in so she wouldn’t kill anyone else. I suppose we could have come here to grab another ghost, which is what Abigail eventually did, but we felt we were pressed for time.”

  “Because?”

  “The ghost was trying to get Weston to kill himself, and he was having a difficult time fighting it. Ultimately, he failed.”

  “We saw the result,” Lakesha said.

  He nodded. “Then your colleague here stole the necklace and we were back to square one anyway. Worse, because now we don’t have a full coven. We can’t complete the ritual to bind the Dark Ones. But if you’ll help us, we can do it. We just need to cast the ghost of the boy into a normal person, and have that person enter the lair of the Dark Ones. We can set off the spell, drive them out of the domain of the living, and trap them in the ether.”

  My eyelids grew heavy, so I let them close. My head tilted to the side, and I gave an exaggerated snore.

  “Brat,” Lakesha said.

  I lifted my head as if I were just waking up. “Oh, sorry. Is he done yet?”

  “Don’t be an asshole,” Lakesha said.

  “But I’m good at it,” I said.

  “Will you help us?” Gene asked.

  “Tell me about the Dark Ones,” Lakesha said.

  “When here, they are darker than the darkness.”

  “Demons?”

  He shook his head. “Interdimensional creatures that devour the souls of the living and the dead. Someone unleashed dozens of them more than a hundred years ago. They mostly stick to battlefields where they can feed on the fear and torment of men in war, but two of them were under the control of a powerful wizard. He brought them up through Mexico on his way to a battle here in Galveston a few weeks ago, and left them as backup players should he need them.”