The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  We leaped from the circle. Sabrina just jumped, but I did a shoulder roll.

  “Idiot, get close to me,” she said.

  I raced over. One of the Dark Ones remained at the circle, but the other moved toward us. She blasted it and sent it flying into a stack of old cars.

  Then she grabbed hold of me. “I need a power boost,” she said.

  “Take it,” I said.

  The Dark One stepped away from the cars and lumbered toward us. Sabrina threw her hands forward, but sparks only sputtered from her fingertips.

  “Uh oh,” I said as the Dark One approached.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  “Bite the inside of your cheek,” Sabrina said.

  Oops. Blood magic did require blood. I hadn’t done much of it, so I forgot. After all, I don’t like pain. I bit the inside of my cheek and tasted blood.

  The Dark One reached for us.

  Sabrina pulled the power from me and hurled it, blasting the Dark One across the junkyard.

  “Wow,” Sabrina said. “That felt good.”

  “My power is stronger than yours,” I said.

  “Don’t be a douche,” she said. She pulled more power from me and blasted the other Dark One away from the circle.

  Lakesha and Michael hurried to a forklift.

  I kept biting the inside of my cheek to keep the blood flowing.

  Sabrina blasted one Dark One with her left hand, and the other with her right hand.

  “This is fun,” she said. “And it doesn’t even hurt.”

  “Speak for yourself,” I said.

  “I just did.” She blasted them over and over.

  The forklift rumbled to life and Michael speared a car from one of the stacks. The lift beeped in a steady rhythm as he put it in reverse. He shifted to forward and the beeping stopped. He loaded the first car into the crusher.

  It was a good sized machine, so it would hold four cars easily.

  Sabrina blasted away at the Dark Ones.

  Michael loaded another car into the crusher.

  Rinse and repeat twice more and my cheek throbbed with pain while Sabrina laughed with exuberance as she took shots at the Dark Ones. Each time she hit them, they screeched like pterodactyls in heat, and sailed backward a good fifty feet. And each time they instantly came at us again.

  The forklift beeped as Michael backed it away from the crusher. He shut it off, and hopped to the ground.

  Lakesha climbed down a lot slower, but she joined him in front of the machine. Sabrina and I maneuvered our way over to them.

  I kept biting my cheek, and Sabrina kept throwing energy blasts. “I could do this all night,” she said.

  “Not a good plan,” I said.

  “Shut up and bite yourself.”

  Lakesha put a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Are you sure you understand what to do?”

  He nodded. “I do.”

  Before I could ask what that was, Lakesha twisted her forearms forward. She’d drawn another triangle on her other arm. Regina shot from her arms and dove into Michael.

  “You’re doing the right thing,” he said.

  “It doesn’t feel like it,” Lakesha said.

  “She’s been in a loop for more than thirty-five years. She’s ready for the pain to stop.”

  “I know.”

  “It’s what she wants,” Michael said.

  “I know,” Lakesha said again. “And at least she got to say goodbye to Demetrius.”

  “I’ve got this,” he said and gave her a hug.

  She embraced him back. “I know you do.”

  And I realized the hug and final exchange wasn’t between Lakesha and Michael, but between her and Regina.

  Lakesha stepped away and pulled out her cellphone. She hit a button, waited, then said, “Open the gates.”

  Michael pointed to the side of the machine. “Sabrina, Brett, get over there. And be ready to hit the green button to crush the cars.”

  Sabrina took another shot at each of the Dark Ones as we moved to the side of the machine where the controls were located. There were two buttons. One green, one red. The red one was helpfully labeled Emergency Stop.

  “Hey, you bastards, are you hungry?” Michael yelled.

  Lakesha had drawn triangles on his forearms too, and he aimed them at the Dark Ones as they soared toward him.

  Their high pitched screeches were worse than fingernails on a blackboard. Michael stood his ground until the last second, then fired Regina into the Dark Ones. They devoured her instantly, finally ending her pain.

  Michael did a shoulder roll past the robed bastards.

  “Copycat,” I said.

  Sabrina raced over and blasted the Dark Ones into the crusher with the cars.

  Lakesha drew symbols in the air, and those symbols glowed like fire in the night. Extra energy flowed into the symbols from eleven separate rivers of light. The rest of the coven walked through the gate and moved toward us hand in hand, pendants glowing.

  I hit the green button.

  The Dark Ones tried to come out, but Lakesha shoved the symbols forward, wrapping the two sons of bitches tightly.

  “Damn girl, you’re a bad ass,” I said

  She pushed them back into the crusher and we stood there listening to the satisfying crumpling of metal.

  The crusher did its job then shut off.

  Lakesha set another layer of glowing symbols over the crushed vehicles.

  “There’s no way they’re getting out of that,” she said.

  “Nicely done,” I said.

  “You expected less?” she asked. “Please.”

  The witches from the coven cautiously approached the crusher and stared. They looked exhausted.

  “Is it over?” Abigail asked.

  “Not quite,” I said.

  “What do you mean?” Lakesha asked.

  “My control of magic might not be as strong as it should be, but I’m loaded for bear when it comes to power,” I said.

  “Don’t go there, Brett,” Lakesha said.

  I ignored her. All I’d done was press a stupid button. I wanted to show off and impress Abigail. I’d tossed an excavator into the Gulf of Mexico a few weeks back, and I’d raised the ocean from its bed and let it drop back, stunning an army of shark dudes.

  “Oh, I’m going there.” An excavator weighed more than thirty thousand pounds, while four cars probably weighed about half that. And I couldn’t even guess how much that water weighed, but a metric fuck-ton sounded about right. “I’m going to throw the Dark Ones and these crushed cars into space where they belong.”

  “Don’t do it,” Sabrina said.

  I ignored them. I raised my hands over my head, focused on the crushed cars, lowered my hands. I’d need to pull the cars out of the machine then fling them skyward.

  I bit my cheek once more, tasted the coppery blood, felt the power surge inside me, and I motioned for the cars to fly into space, throwing my arms up in dramatic fashion.

  “Hasta la vista, Dark Ones,” I said as I made the move.

  The cube of crushed cars tilted forward about six inches, then rocked back into place inside the machine.

  “Maybe Sabrina used more of my magic than I thought,” I said. “Let’s try this again.”

  Sabrina walked up to me as I made my preparations. She put a hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

  “Brett, you didn’t throw the excavator on your own, and you didn’t lift the ocean on your own either.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your father did that to make it seem like you had more control over your untapped power. It was all a show for Sinclair.”

  “But…”

  She shook her head. “The power is all there. Buck up, you’ve got the potential to be a great wizard. It will take lots of practice for you to be able to call on that kind of magic on your own, though.”

  “Why didn’t he tell me?” I asked, feeling like an idiot.

  “He wanted you to try for a
change.”

  I felt demoralized.

  “I don’t know if it helps,” Sabrina said, “but you sure pressed that green button like a champion.”

  “That doesn’t help, but thanks anyway.”

  She patted me on the shoulder, then moved off to talk to Michael. The coven broke off into smaller groups to chat, and some of them wandered off to go home to husbands, wives, kids, dogs, cats, you name it. Some of them had to work in the morning, and being a witch was just one facet of who they were.

  Lakesha stood talking to Gene or Quincy or whatever his real name was, and I stared at the crushed cars in the machine.

  Abigail walked up to stand beside me. “Hey there, big guy,” she said.

  “Hey, hot stuff.”

  “Sorry about the perfume spell. It’s not normally that effective on anyone. It will wear off soon. I hope.”

  “That wore off a while ago, and I still think you’re hot.”

  “Let’s not go there, Brett. In the end, you’re just not my type. I mean, you’re hot and all, but your personality leaves a lot to be desired. But hey, thanks for helping with the Dark Ones. There’s hope for you yet.”

  I let out a heavy sigh.

  She turned and walked away, stopping to thank Lakesha before moving toward the open gates to leave the salvage yard. Her cute ass swayed nicely as she walked out of my life.

  “What are you staring at?” Lakesha asked, glancing over at me.

  “A big-ass witch, of course.”

  “Abigail or me?”

  “She’s a big-ass witch, but you’re my big-ass witch.”

  “You better not be staring at my ass, boy. I’ll slap you into next week.”

  “Oh no, I don’t see you in a romantic way.”

  “You better not. You couldn’t handle a woman like me. I’d crush you like those cars.”

  “Cute.”

  “Speaking of cars,” she said, “you owe me a hearse.”

  “Bill it to my asshole father,” I said.

  She nodded. “I just stopped him from getting a million dollars in his dead pool, but I guess it can’t hurt to send him an invoice.”

  “August isn’t over yet,” I said.

  “Good point,” she said. “Want me to scrounge up another dangerous job for you?”

  “Can that wait until September? I’ve got a broken heart to nurse.”

  She grinned. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  A little later, we caught a ride back to Galveston with Michael, Sabrina, and the ghost of Demetrius. He was sad that his aunt was gone, but happy that she wasn’t stuck in her terrible loop anymore.

  When we dropped Lakesha off at her store, she said, “See you at ten o’clock Monday morning, Brat.”

  “More like three in the afternoon,” I said.

  “Boy, don’t make me hurt you.”

  “Sorry, Lakesha, I promised to take Demetrius to the comic shop.”

  “Do that later today,” she said.

  “I can’t. We have band practice. And we have a paying gig tonight. I can’t let my friends down again.”

  Lakesha nodded and a smile spread across her face. “Maybe you’re growing, Brett,” she said with a measure of pride.

  “Well,” I said, “I can’t let them down right now. Next week, maybe, but not today.”

  She shook her head. “Get this fool out of my sight,” she said.

  “I love you too,” I said.

  “Don’t go saying stupid shit like that, boy. I oughta…”

  I didn’t hear the rest because Michael wheeled away from the curb, leaving her to rant and rave. I’d pay for it on Monday, I knew, but after the last twenty-four hours, I was just glad to still be alive.

  When we arrived at the haunted house where Demetrius stayed, I walked him up to the front porch while Michael and Sabrina waited in the Charger.

  “How you holding up, little man?” I asked.

  “Good. You?”

  “Hanging in there, buddy.”

  “Thanks, Brett.”

  “You said my name. I’m so proud.”

  “You made it so I could talk to my Auntie and she could talk to me for the first time since she died. That’s better than all the comic books in the world.”

  “I don’t know if I’d go that far.”

  He wrapped his ghostly arms around me, manifested enough to give me a hug. “I would.”

  While he was still solid, I ruffled his hair. As a parting gift, he dug a slimy booger out of his nose and wiped it on my shirt.

  “Dude!”

  He laughed, gave me a wave, then walked through the wall into his house. I shook my head, turned and walked back to the Charger.

  “What’s that on your shirt?” Michael asked as he let me climb into the backseat.

  “You don’t want to know,” I said. “Let’s go home.”

  THE DUMBASS DEMON

  by Gary Jonas

  CHAPTER ONE

  When my asshole father called, I was levitating a baseball in the living room. The son of a bitch wanted to FaceTime. Wonderful. It was six o’clock on a warm September evening, so I couldn’t just ignore the call, though that was my first instinct. I kept the ball in the air and answered the phone, trying to position myself on the screen so he could see that I was actually working magic, but as soon as I focused on the phone, my concentration lagged and the ball dropped.

  “Please tell me you’re buying a new house where Sabrina can live,” I said instead of just going with the traditional, What did I do wrong this time?

  “I don’t need another house in Galveston. You should be practicing.”

  “You’re right. My band has a gig tonight at nine.”

  “I don’t care about your stupid band, Brett. I’m talking about magic. You have no respect for the craft, and as such, you have no future.”

  I considered telling him the truth, that I had been practicing when he called, but I didn’t want him to call me a liar, so I just shrugged and said, “Let me check my schedule. When will I have time to think about the future?” I rubbed my chin then nodded. “Maybe tomorrow.”

  He sighed. “Typical. Sabrina tells me you’re making progress, but I can tell from your attitude that you’re still slacking. Lakesha also tells me you’re learning, but I’m not convinced.”

  “So you think they’d lie to you?”

  “They want the money to keep flowing.”

  “Trust issues much?” I asked. “Did you catch Mom with the mailman again?”

  “What?”

  “Just kidding,” I said. “That was Joey.” Joey was my older brother, and I was making up the mailman story with him, too, but we all knew he’d gone through an experimental stage in college.

  “You’re not funny.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe you should conjure up a sense of humor.”

  “I have a much better idea. I’m conjuring incentive.”

  Before I could ask what that meant, my father bit the inside of his cheek, drawing blood—he has a telling twitch in his left eye when he does this, but his enemies are still unable to capitalize on it. Smoke swirled out of my phone, trailed to the floor, and solidified into a four foot tall red-skinned bald guy with yellow eyes and sharp teeth. He wore black briefs and nothing else. His claws were dark, sharp, and curved.

  As his weight settled on my living room carpet, which happens to be a carnivorous import named Mangani, I half-expected her to roll up and eat the red dude, but she didn’t even ripple in anticipation.

  “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I said.

  “No more delay tactics, son,” my father said. “The demon won’t kill you, but his job is to make life miserable for you if you don’t get off your ass and start growing into the wizard you’re supposed to be. Have fun.”

  And he hung up on me.

  I turned and stared at the red demon dude.

  “Shall we go through the formalities of introductions and methods of address?” the demon asked.

  “So you
’re a demon,” I said.

  “Oh, I see,” he said. “The intellectual level upon which I operate needs to be dialed down a bit.”

  “What?”

  “Correction. Dialed down a lot. This assignment may prove to be more debilitating to my core being because I’ll have to lower myself to a level beneath yours.”

  “That was a lot of words,” I said.

  He blinked a few times. “Well, shucks. Do you know what I’m saying now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Goody goody gumdrops.” He looked me up and down. “I thought you were born of a high wizard.”

  I grinned. “I’m a wizard who likes to get high. Does that count?”

  He grinned. “Age thirty or so, intellect seems to be stuck at twelve.”

  “Whatever. You didn’t answer my question,” I said.

  “Fine. It doesn’t count for much.”

  “No, I mean about you being a demon,” I said.

  “Maybe not twelve yet.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “You said to me, ‘So, you’re a demon.’ That’s a statement, not a question.”

  “I don’t see any horns on your forehead,” I said.

  He smiled, and the jagged teeth punctured his lips, but the black blood poured into his mouth. “You don’t want to see me when I’m horny,” he said. Then he winked. “Or maybe you do.”

  “Go to hell,” I said.

  “Technically, there is no such place as hell, though I’ve heard it said that hell is where the heart is, and I can get behind that.”

  “You gonna talk me to death?”

  “If only.” He sighed. “Let’s start over. I’m your personal demon, and my name is Kevinaticulus, but you can call me Kevin.”

  He kept that smile plastered on his ugly mug and extended a clawed hand.

  I did not accept the handshake.

  “No,” I said.

  “Is Kevin too many syllables for you?”

  “This isn’t happening,” I said. “I’m not doing this.”

  “Not your choice. Your father summoned me, and I’m here to do his bidding.”

  “I don’t like this.”

  “Welcome to the club. As soon as you develop even a little bit of skill, you’ll be able to send me back to my dimension. I’d really like to go back. You wouldn’t believe the bazongas on the demoness I was about to bed before your asshole father snatched me away. I worked for centuries to get her into my chamber.”