The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  Oxygen never smelled so good.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  “This is your captain. Is everyone all right back there?” the pilot asked over the intercom. “We appear to be losing cabin pressure.” His voice was calm, as if asking for the time of day. Alarms kept sounding. The wind roared through the broken windows, but they were too small for anyone to be yanked out of the plane.

  We kept breathing with the oxygen masks.

  “Windows!” I yelled to be heard over the wind.

  “Hang on while I air the plane out,” Apollo let go of the mask, and walked over to Kevin, who still grinned.

  “Consider yourself demon non grata,” Apollo said and forced Kevin through one of the broken windows.

  “Wait! That’s not fair!” Kevin said as he tried to crawl back inside the plane.

  “Say goodbye,” Apollo said and waved. The glass reformed in the windows and the rush of wind ceased.

  I kept the mask on for a minute while the oxygen levels normalized. Then I moved to the window. Alarms stopped wailing.

  “This is your captain again,” the pilot said, voice still calm. “Pressure seems to have normalized. Feel free to walk around the cabin again.”

  How did he stay so chill?

  I looked out the window. Kevin clung to the wing.

  I gave him a wave, but he flipped me off.

  Charming little demon.

  Now the flight attendant rushed into the cabin. “What happened?”

  “Nothing to be concerned about,” Apollo said.

  “Where’s the cute brooding man?” the flight attendant asked.

  “He’s taking a bath,” Apollo said. “Make yourself useful and bring us some drinks.”

  She grumbled under her breath. She clearly wasn’t used to being treated like yesterday’s garbage.

  “A drink would be wonderful,” Helen said.

  “Oh, I don’t think so,” Apollo said. “Waitress, no more for the lady. She is officially cut off for the duration of the flight.”

  “Don’t be an asshole,” Helen said. “I need more drinks to put up with your shit.”

  “You’ve had quite enough.”

  “Enough of you.”

  A cracking noise toward the center of the plane caught my attention. The shark dudes heard it too, and moved to the window over the wing. Kevin pushed through the window and climbed back inside.

  “Hi guys,” he said. “Want to go for a swim?”

  “We won’t fit through the window,” one of the shark dudes said.

  Kevin patted him on the shoulder. “Must be your lucky day. Want to play skunk again?”

  The shark guy looked like he was going to cry when he turned toward Apollo. “Boss?”

  Apollo sighed as Kevin walked down the aisle toward us.

  “You’re like a bad penny,” Apollo said.

  Kevin took a bow.

  The shark dudes behind him jumped to the sides in case he was taking aim for another blast.

  The flight attendant returned with drinks. She gave one to Apollo, one to me, and one to Helen.

  “I told you none for her,” Apollo said.

  “Fire me.”

  “Insolent bitch,” Apollo said and snapped his fingers.

  She froze in place and her skin tone paled as she turned to marble.

  “I don’t think that’s what she meant,” I said.

  Apollo spun to face me. “You want me to destroy you, too?”

  “Not so fast, Sparky,” I said. “You don’t want to lose a slave.”

  “I can get another.”

  “Cool your jets.” I moved past him and walked around the statue of the flight attendant. “Is she dead?”

  “Not exactly,” Apollo said. “She’s trapped in a moment, solidified. If I choose to release her, she’ll be stiff for a few days, and will need to drink a lot of water.”

  “Then set her free,” I said.

  “Why should I?”

  “Because you showed her you were all-powerful, now you can show her that you’re merciful. She’s dealt with a lot on this short flight, and she doesn’t deserve to die.”

  Apollo considered that. He rubbed his chin. “I don’t know.”

  “What’s to know? If she’s a bitch to you again, you can always turn her into another statue.”

  “That’s true.”

  “Come on,” I said.

  “Fine,” he said and snapped his fingers.

  She instantly gained her color back and went limp. I caught her before she hit the floor.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “You’re going to be all right.”

  She responded by opening her eyes, blinking twice, then passing out.

  I picked her up and nodded for Apollo to move. I carried her to the center of the plane where another longer sofa stretched along one side. The shark dudes kept their distance and simply watched as I laid her down on the cushions.

  “Let me know if she wakes up so I can get her some water,” I said.

  “Uh, okay,” one of them said.

  Good. Unless Apollo directed them to eat me, I didn’t have to worry too much about them. They needed orders, and provided Apollo didn’t overrule me, they were willing to take them from me.

  Kevin gave me a little golf clap. “How heroic,” he said. “Don’t expect her to sleep with you, though.”

  “Shut up, Kevin. I’d like all of us to survive the flight to New York, and you’re not helping.”

  He shrugged. “Not part of my job description,” he said and tried to trip me.

  I stumbled, but caught myself on a seat. “Dickhead,” I said.

  He grinned.

  Apollo stood with his arms folded as he tapped his foot. “Now you need to get rid of that damn demon.”

  “Give it a rest,” I said. “He’s not hurting anyone.”

  “I don’t like him.”

  “I don’t like you either,” Kevin said.

  I sighed and looked out the window. We were finally over dry land. This flight couldn’t end soon enough.

  “How about this,” I said. “We can all just take our seats, close our eyes, and nap for a bit. Napping is good.”

  “I hate your song,” Apollo said.

  “Did I ask what you thought of it?”

  “No, but I volunteered the information.”

  “So don’t listen to it.”

  “They play it almost as much as they play my song.”

  “I’m not trying to steal your thunder.”

  “Your song sucks.”

  “I think you already said that.”

  “Everything you’ve ever tried to do sucks.”

  “Careful, you’re starting to sound like a semi-hip version of my father.”

  “Does it bother you that I don’t like anything you do?”

  “I thought you liked the guitar work I did on your song.”

  “You didn’t do that guitar work. You used a magic pick infused with the blood of a hundred brilliant guitarists from Jimmy Page to B.B. King.”

  “I used the same pick on my song.”

  “But you wrote your song. You and your stupid naps. You really would like to nap your life away.”

  I nodded. “That’s right. Can we do that for a bit right now?”

  “I’ve half a mind to throw you out of the plane.”

  “I hope the other half is telling you not to.”

  “You keep challenging me, and I don’t like it.”

  “Dude, I’m really not challenging you.” I held my hands out in front of me. “I just want to get to New York in one piece.”

  “Leave him alone,” Helen said. “He’s not going to put up any kind of fight. You can insult him all day long and he’ll just take it. I think that’s one of the things he does best.”

  Apollo shoved me into a seat and approached Helen. “So now you’re defending a mortal?”

  “I don’t care about him,” Helen said. “I’m just tired of you bitching about everything like a spoiled litt
le girl.”

  “I own you, Helen.”

  “I need another drink,” she said and moved toward the little kitchenette by the cockpit.

  “That’s the last thing you need.”

  “The last thing I need is to listen to your sorry ass,” she said as she poured a drink.

  Apollo got up and went to Helen. “I said you’ve had enough,” he said, his voice low and menacing.

  “I’ll say when I’ve had enough.”

  Apollo slapped the drink out of her hand. It crashed against the wall sending shattered glass, rum, and fruit juice flying. Helen turned to make another drink, but Apollo grabbed her. He jerked her around and pulled back a clenched fist. I vaulted from my seat and tried to tackle him.

  The co-pilot opened the door to the cockpit. “Everything okay out here?”

  “Hello, sailor,” Helen said. “Care for a swim?”

  Apollo’s eyes widened as he realized what Helen was doing. “Don’t.”

  “You can’t stop me,” she said. Her voice took on the same compelling quality it had at the club.

  The co-pilot hesitated. “So does that mean things are okay?”

  “Jerry, get back in here,” the pilot said. “Clients get rowdy sometimes.”

  “Sure, boss, but these folks aren’t trying to join the Mile High Club.”

  “Close the door and sit,” the pilot said.

  Helen grinned. “Go sit down, but leave the door open,” she said in a sing-song voice.

  The co-pilot’s eyes glazed over and he took his seat.

  Helen’s song turned into a dirge, and she directed it at the pilots.

  “Stop that,” Apollo said.

  She kept singing.

  “I said stop it!” He tried to pull back to hit her, but I yanked him off of her and tried to pin him down.

  He was too strong.

  He hurled me into the kitchenette. I crashed into metal shelves, sending plastic cups, napkins, and silverware clattering around me. A stack of plates fell on top of me.

  Through it all, Helen kept singing.

  Her voice soared.

  Apollo moved toward her, but he didn’t take a swing.

  She kept singing and he dropped to one knee.

  He covered his ears.

  The plane tilted and a cart filled with cans of soda slid out of a cubbyhole to bump into me.

  I shoved it back into place as I tried to sit up. A box of sugar packets fell on me. A salt shaker tipped over and rolled off to land in front of me.

  And the plane went into a steep dive.

  “What the hell?”

  My ears rang as her voice went up to an inhuman octave.

  “Are you trying to be Mariah Carey to call all the dogs in the neighborhood out to play?” I asked.

  She kept singing and the plane engines whined in a high-pitched howl as we picked up speed.

  And it finally dawned on me that she was a siren. And what did sirens do? They called captains of ships to their doom. A pilot was a captain, too.

  We were going to crash and burn.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  The plane hurtled toward the ground. Automated warnings sounded in the cockpit. I struggled to get up. Helen had the cockpit door propped open with her foot. Through the window, I watched as we plunged through the clouds and the patchwork quilt of the ground spread out before us.

  “You’re going to kill us all!” I shouted.

  She didn’t stop singing.

  The co-pilot dropped to the floor.

  I tried to step around Apollo and over Helen to get into the cockpit, but one look at the pilot told me he was lost in a trance. He focused on the ground and aimed us toward certain doom.

  Apollo would survive.

  Helen would survive.

  Kevin would survive.

  The rest of us were toast.

  Apollo and Helen might be out of commission for a while. Even an immortal is going to pay the price for blowing up in a plane crash.

  Thomas tried to warn me. He said not to get on the plane.

  I should have listened.

  Alarms kept going off in the cockpit.

  Helen kept singing.

  I’ll give her this much. The song was beautiful. I could see why the pilot was so mesmerized by it. She sang right at him, so it didn’t affect me. Apollo was on her shit list, so she directed some of the notes at him.

  She glared at me when I tried to get into the cockpit.

  “Don’t you dare!” she sang.

  “I don’t want to die,” I said.

  “That’s too bad,” she sang. “I’m not spending any more time with Apollo no matter what.” And a few notes slammed into me that pushed me backward. I’d made it onto her shit list. An urge to claw out my eyes came over me, but that would be a lot of pain and a lot of work. It would also be messy.

  Fortunately, those notes were just a warning.

  I blinked.

  “We can find another way,” I said.

  The ground loomed ever closer.

  Apollo fought the notes aimed at him, which was good because if she had to throw notes to the pilot and to Apollo, it was harder for her to throw notes at me.

  But what could I do?

  I really didn’t want to die.

  “Pull up!” I shouted to the pilot.

  He ignored me.

  I moved toward the cockpit again, and Helen sang a few notes at me that made me step back almost without realizing it.

  Kevin worked his way up to us. “Nice knowing you, Brett,” he said, clapping me on the back. “Once you die, I’m back home banging my demoness.”

  “I don’t want to die.”

  “Too bad, so sad. Apollo probably doesn’t want a golden shower, but he’s going to get one right now.” Kevin laughed with glee as he pulled out his dick and pissed all over Apollo.

  Some of the piss got on Helen.

  She didn’t like that and threw a few notes at Kevin.

  “Thanks,” he said. “You want more?” And he aimed his yellow stream at her.

  I caught some of the splash back.

  Great, I was going to die in a plane crash while a demon pissed on me.

  “Minimums! Minimums!” an aural alert said.

  More alarms went off. “Pull up!” the mechanical voice said. “Pull up!”

  Too bad my father wasn’t here. He’d just magic the shit out of things and pull the plane up to altitude and safety.

  Trees came into focus, roads shooting off and curving through neighborhoods. Houses and buildings.

  “I want to live!” I shouted.

  I reached out with my mind to grab that goddamn yoke to pull it back and raise the nose of the plane. I’d never wanted anything more in my life.

  “Pull up!” the ground proximity warning said between alarms. “Pull up!”

  Nothing happened.

  Right, dumbass. Magic needs blood.

  I bit my lip hard enough to bleed. Once I tasted the blood, I focused again to grab that yoke and pull back. This time the yoke moved.

  The pilot fought me for a moment, but I redoubled my efforts.

  The nose of the plane lifted and I focused to aim the aircraft back into the sky. Magic flowed through me and it felt oddly natural. The energy did what I wanted it to do. I really wanted it to work and my focus intensified.

  “Nice!” Kevin said.

  Helen sang through it all, and once the plane swooped back toward the sky, she aimed her siren song at me.

  I decided to crash the plane after all.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Then I shook myself out of it.

  “Stop her song!” I shouted.

  Kevin shrugged. “I’m empty or I’d piss in her mouth.”

  I fought her song, putting my hands to my ears. I kept willing the plane higher and higher.

  The jet climbed.

  Helen aimed her song exclusively at me. She sang in Greek, but the intent was there and the words shifted to English in my head
. Push the yoke forward. Drive us into the ground. It’s time to die.

  I pushed her song aside, and started singing the Air Force song about flying into the wild blue yonder. I didn’t know enough of the words, so I shifted to “Flying High Again” by Ozzy, then to “Fly by Night” by Rush.

  By singing, I kept her song at bay. I decided it was time to shift to Muddy Waters, and sang “Got My Mojo Working.”

  I knew the song said it didn’t work on the woman, but I didn’t have to worry about that because now that Helen was focused on me, she wasn’t focused on Apollo.

  As soon as I thought that, she shot a few notes at him and knocked him backward. Then she sang at me again, and I felt the desire to crash the plane creep back into my skull.

  “Stop her, Kevin!”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know, but do something. I can’t hold her off much longer.”

  I felt my magic shift and push the yoke forward into a dive. Alarms went off again.

  “Hurry!” I shouted, and I remembered her weakness. “Tickle her!”

  “Do what?”

  “You heard me. Tickle her!”

  Kevin grinned. He jumped over Apollo to get to her. He started tickling her ribs.

  She sang, but stuttered as she started to laugh. “Stop that!” she said.

  “Make me,” Kevin said, and kept tickling her.

  She lost her focus and laughed uncontrollably.

  I righted the plane.

  Apollo snapped out of his spell. He clenched a fist.

  “No!” I yelled, and kicked his hand before he could throw a punch. “She’s not a danger now. Kevin’s got this.”

  “You’re the one who’ll die if she takes the plane down,” Apollo said.

  “Kevin,” I said. “She needs to be gagged so she can’t sing.”

  “I can gag her with my dick,” Kevin said. “Apollo can’t because she won’t even notice it’s there.”

  “You’re disgusting,” I said. I peeled off my shirt and stuffed it into Helen’s mouth.

  “We might want to tie her up so she doesn’t pull the shirt out,” Kevin said.

  “I think we should feed her to the Mako Clansmen,” Apollo said.

  “Nobody asked you,” I said. “She doesn’t want to be your slave.”

  “I don’t care. The world will worship me, dammit!”

  “Heinlein was right,” I said.