The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

by Gary Jonas

  My great-great grandmother dropped out of the sky and settled on the pavement behind Gideon.

  “I’ve seen enough,” she said. “Nathaniel?”

  A line of light shimmered open beside the limo and my father stepped out into the night. The rift sealed behind him and that section of air smoked a bit, but the wind blew the wisps away.

  “Yes, Matriarch,” my father said, his head slightly bowed.

  “Dealer’s choice,” she said. “It’s your son. Which do you choose to advance?”

  He walked over to me and stared at the tattoo. “You’ve learned more than I thought you would.”

  He walked over to the other Brett. “You let him steal your keys and your tattoo?”

  “I didn’t realize he—”

  My father shook his head. “Stow it,” he said. “I’m disappointed.”

  “Nathaniel, you may choose,” the Matriarch said. “Or you can leave it up to them.”

  He nodded. “Any real son of mine would want to prove his value.”

  “I’ll happily prove myself, Father,” Brett said.

  “I don’t give a shit what you think, Dad,” I said.

  He laughed. “Careful, Brett. Don’t make me simplify this with a choice because that means you’ll be history.”

  “Better that than someone who has to do your bidding,” I said.

  My father raised a hand, ready to snap his fingers to turn me to dust, but the Matriarch stepped forward and pushed his forearm down. “You said you wanted your son to prove his worth. As such, this will be settled by combat.”

  “Easy enough,” I said. I darted forward and punched Brett in the face.

  His head snapped back. He touched his nose, then sat down hard on the ground.

  “What the hell?” he said.

  “I win,” I said.

  The Matriarch rolled her eyes. She thumped me on the forehead. “Silly boy, we can’t have two of you. This combat has two simple rules. First there will be magical obstacles you must overcome. And second, the battle will be to the death.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  If you kill a copy of yourself, is that murder or suicide? Asking for a friend.

  I won’t bore you with the rundown of what the Matriarch said. Yeah, I didn’t really pay that much attention. Go here, do this, blah blah blah.

  My mind was more on what I should do. I wasn’t a master wizard. I hadn’t studied that much. Study time meant nap time. I had magic, sure, but the other me knew how to control it.

  According to Gideon, he was afraid to do much, but was that true? Was he really just hoping I’d get killed so he wouldn’t have to get his hands dirty killing me himself?

  “And go,” the Matriarch said.

  The other me took off running toward the large pyramid, the lines of light illuminating him as he raced ahead.

  I started to run after him, but Michael grabbed my shoulder, bringing me up short. I spun to face him.

  “Jesus, dude,” he whispered. “Weren’t you listening? Wait for her signal to you.”

  “A bit antsy?” the Matriarch asked as she stepped up beside me. “It’s not like you to want to take action right away.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  We watched as the other Brett jumped onto the side of the pyramid. He raced up the slope toward the top. He looked like a businessman version of Spider-Man, drawn in white highlights against the darkness.

  “And now you,” the Matriarch said.

  I looked at her.

  “Go,” she said, and pointed at the pyramid. “You were ready a moment ago.”

  “What was the first—?” I asked.

  But my father cut me off. “Go!”

  “Keep your panties on,” I said. “I’m going.”

  I walked to the pyramid, and looked up. The other me was at the top. I glanced back toward our audience. Michael motioned for me to go up the building.

  I touched the glass. It was thick, cold, and strong. I climbed up and tried to crab-walk up, but my shoes slipped on the glass and I dropped back to the sidewalk.

  That meant I needed magic to make the damn climb. Fine. I bit the inside of my cheek, focused the magic as best I could and hopped up again. This time I leaned forward, slid one leg up a bit, and did a reverse slide up the building. I focused and gained speed like up was down. It was around twelve stories to the top, and when I reached it, I launched into the air, slowed down and dropped back to the pyramid. I slid a few feet before stopping, which took more concentration to keep the magic going.

  Before I could turn, the other me shot a bolt of energy my way. The blast hit me in the back and propelled me down the pyramid. I fell onto my stomach, and used my hands to try to slow down until I could push against my descent with magic.

  “Dickhead,” I said under my breath.

  I scrambled to get turned around so I could ascend, but my hands went through the side of the building, and I fell.

  Magical obstacles.

  Great.

  I dropped into blackness, hit something solid, and rolled. I have no idea what I hit, but it hurt like a son of a bitch. Everything spun and I tried to bring light up through my fingers.

  At that point, I fell through a thick acrylic pane into the water. The light from my fingers illuminated fish and bubbles as I sank.

  I hadn’t drawn a breath, but my instincts kicked in and I held what little I had in my lungs.

  If I was in a damn shark tank, I was going to be pissed. Disorientation kicked in and I didn’t know up from down. I just knew I needed to breathe.

  A fish froze in front of me, startled by the light in my hands. Then it swam off into the darkness. I let out a few bubbles, and let the light show me which way they went.

  Bubbles went up.

  I kicked toward the surface and kept my concentration on sliding through the acrylic plate to get out of the water and back into an atmosphere where I could breathe.

  A weird tingle flowed through me and I felt air. That first gulp of oxygen felt terrific.

  I lay in darkness on top of some kind of platform, but I couldn’t tell where I was or what was going on. There were no lights on anywhere near me, so the only source of illumination was from the magic I sent through my fingers and hands.

  With a bit of focus, I managed to expand the white light. Getting up seemed like a good idea, but something slammed into my chest and knocked me off my feet. I rolled backward, fell, hit something else, then felt water engulf me again.

  The other Brett landed on the clear acrylic above me and made his hands glow enough so I could see him. He waved goodbye to me then disappeared.

  Again, I needed air.

  I kicked upward once more, smacked my face on the pane, and tried to phase through, but something pushed me down again.

  Fucking dickhead doppelgänger shoved me deeper into the water. I tried to swim free, but the energy was like a lead weight taking me ever downward.

  I hit the bottom. Well, not really the bottom, as I slid down an arc to the left. I twisted around to face downward, felt the curved pane. I needed air. I focused my magic and slid through the acrylic. Then I dropped a good nine feet to hit the floor. I coughed and breathed and coughed some more.

  Everything hurt.

  I wanted to just lay there for a while.

  Couldn’t it be nap time?

  But I knew the other Brett would have to come after me.

  I pushed myself to my hands and knees. Then I straightened and looked like a penitent man. I raised my hands, and cast a ball of light into the air. I was in a hallway with an arced tunnel inside the aquarium. Fish swam on the other side of the panes. I pushed my wet hair out of my eyes.

  I shoved the light ahead of me a ways. If the other Brett wanted to take a shot at me, odds were good he’d aim for the light, and if I wasn’t right there with it, maybe I could survive the next attack.

  Once I had the light cast, it was easy enough to move it forward with my mind to lead me out of the tunnel. I
found an access door. It was locked, but I’m a wizard, so I magicked it open and stepped into a locker room filled with wet suits, oxygen tanks, masks, fins, and such. I wasn’t a scuba diver and didn’t know the first thing about how to set myself up with the gear. On top of that, I didn’t feel there was time for that sort of thing.

  A better plan was simply to avoid being in the damn water again. I went back into the main hall, and followed it around. There was a penguin exhibit, but I wasn’t wearing a tuxedo, so I didn’t go in. There was a Gulf of Mexico Rig Exhibit, which seemed odd. Why would you put a two-story oil rig in an aquarium?

  My sense of direction sucked and next thing I knew I was back in that goddamn tunnel. I pushed the light through the wall into the water. Sharks swam in the tank. If I’d known they were there, I might have shit my damn pants while I was in the water. There was also a rum-runner pirate ship on the floor. Why was there a shipwrecked pirate vessel?

  My light danced and swirled, illuminating sting rays and fish.

  “Hello, Brett,” my voice said behind me.

  I spun, bringing my hands up and pushing a magic shield between me and my twin.

  A light popped into existence above us. The other Brett was soaking wet, too. He was bleeding from a gash on his forehead.

  “Father and the Matriarch have a bunch of magic traps scattered around here. It seems we’ve both managed to trigger a few of them.”

  “You tried to drown me,” I said.

  He shrugged. The minimal light from his spell made him look deranged. “Gideon tells me you know the saying from the Highlander movies.”

  “There can be only one,” I said.

  He gave me a nod and pointed at me. “It won’t be you.”

  The magic he threw that time, bounced off my force field.

  “Nice block,” he said.

  He put his hands out before him, squinted, and drew up a bunch of magic.

  I didn’t want to get blasted, so I stepped forward and punched him in the nose.

  “Fuck!” he said and grabbed his nose.

  I kicked him in the balls.

  He crumpled to the floor.

  “Cheater,” he said, his voice strained.

  “How about a nice knuckle sandwich,” I said and threw another punch.

  But he blocked my swing with magic, grabbed my arm and reached out to shove my head back. He pushed himself to his feet and slammed me against the side of the clear tunnel wall.

  “Pass,” he said with a grin.

  “Fast recovery from getting racked,” I said, trying to push him away.

  “Magic cup,” he said. “Time to end this before Father throws more obstacles at us.”

  His eyes glinted and he worked a quick spell. He shoved my head through the acrylic wall into the water and sealed its pane around my neck.

  “Can you breathe water?” he asked.

  At least that’s what I think he said. I was busy trying to hold my breath and pull myself back into the tunnel.

  I was at an awkward angle, and couldn’t get any purchase with my feet. My neck hurt both from the weird angle and from the pane of acrylic tightening around me.

  A shark swam closer.

  If it bit my head, I’d be a goner for sure. I didn’t want a shark to bite my head off. I didn’t want to be this close to a shark. I hated sharks.

  Panic damn near made me lose what little air I had. My lungs cried out for air.

  My eyes burned in the salt water, but I had to see if that damn shark was going to come near me again.

  My doppelgänger grabbed my right arm. He started a magical siphon. Energy flowed through my Tarot tattoo into his hands. I felt my power fading.

  My world grew dark.

  But part of that was because the light I’d pushed into the tank winked out.

  The other Brett’s light grew brighter, and a fish swam right over my face. I let out a burst of air, felt my lungs giving out.

  Brett pulled my magic from my blood, drew it out through my tattoo.

  All I could think was that I should have grabbed one of those stupid oxygen tanks.

  Well, I’d had a good run. I made it to the ripe old age of thirty-one. I’d seen a good portion of the world. I’d had a hit song. I’d slept with more women than I cared to admit, and some of them were smoking hot, and the others were at least fun. I’d sampled a wide range of ganja and I’d done magic. I might have been a disappointment to my old man, but I’d lived life my way.

  The other Brett had the stronger magic. He knew how to work it. He was well-liked, and while he was killing me, I figured he’d be a better friend to my friends than I ever was.

  And he’d make my father proud.

  He’d be a good little wizard.

  He’d live a good little life doing what the Magic Council told him to do.

  He’d be boring.

  And he’d live on in my name.

  My lungs let go, and the last of my breath burst from my mouth into the tank. The poor sharks were going to have to eat a dead wizard head.

  But.

  I didn’t want to die.

  I also didn’t want to do what I was told.

  My body went into convulsions as I drew water into my lungs. My legs kicked. My arms flexed. I bit my tongue hard, and blood mixed with the water.

  I was a fucking wizard.

  And I wanted to live.

  I needed to breathe, but lungs can’t process water.

  Lakesha’s image swam in front of my mind. Great, now I had to deal with hallucinations. She mouthed words at me: resembles, imitation, genuine. To me that meant fake it until you make it.

  Then I realized that magic can shift reality.

  I swallowed blood and water and my desire to breathe and live grew stronger. Lungs couldn’t handle the water, but gills could. So I transformed my lungs into gill passages. My neck opened with little slits. My eyes focused and I pulled water in through my mouth and forced it out through my gills. As a wizard, what I faked not only resembled reality, it imitated reality and became genuine reality.

  The need to swim came over me. I focused my magic and the acrylic panes encircling the tunnel disappeared. Water crashed down, filling the entire chamber.

  The other Brett freaked. He tried to pull the magic away, but the tattoo was so deep and layered that the magic was caught in there. On top of that, like Gideon said, the final bit of magic had to be given freely, and I didn’t want to give it. I wanted to take it back.

  I pulled the magic back into the tattoo.

  The other Brett struggled, trying to get away, but I wrapped my legs around him. He pulled free, but I grabbed hold of him. I yanked him close and hugged him.

  Sharks swam around us.

  He tried to scream, sending air bubbles through the churned up water.

  The sharks didn’t care about us.

  I held Brett tight, pulled the magic back inside me. He gulped water.

  There can be only one, I thought.

  And I pulled his body inside mine.

  What my father had separated, I rejoined.

  Give in to me, I thought.

  I am you, I thought. Or did he think that. No, we thought that, but I held the reins of control.

  My brain flared with strange memories.

  My father telling me to study harder.

  And me focused on doing just that.

  But that wasn’t me. I don’t study.

  But I did.

  Only it was the other me.

  Not me, but still me.

  The other Brett’s life flashed before my eyes. Memories, laughs, books, loves, music, conversations, meals, hopes, dreams, fears, regrets, desires, experiences. It was like a series of movie trailers where they give away every plot twist so you know how it ends. Days, months, years, splashed across the movie screen in my mind, coloring in fifteen years of life in layers.

  Knowledge flowed through my synapses.

  I floated in the water and let my body and soul assimilate
the other Brett back into myself. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt complete.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  In some ways, magic is cheating.

  It’s too damn easy. I settled on the floor of what used to be a tunnel in the aquarium. A little intent with a hand motion here, and a focus of blood magic there, and the water pushed backward creating a vortex.

  The acrylic walls reformed the way they’d been before, and the water settled against them. The fish, rays, and sharks swam around like nothing had ever happened here. If they knew, they’d never tell. Fish can keep secrets because they can’t speak English. If they could, this world would be even weirder than it already is, so that went down as a right good thing.

  I choked out water through my gills and mouth. A conscious choice shifted the gills back into lungs and flesh. Picture what you want. Let the magic imitate the image. Send the magic into reality.

  I drew a deep breath. The tunnel smelled like salt water. I looked at the floor. It was still wet, but that wasn’t my problem.

  Light floated ahead of me.

  A fish flopped on the floor.

  “Sorry, little dude,” I said and willed him back into the water.

  The little dude didn’t thank me, but he did swim off into the darkness.

  I followed the light to the exit, and magically shut off any alarms before unlocking the door and pushing back into the night.

  My father, the Matriarch, Gideon, Sabrina, and Michael all stood in the parking lot waiting.

  A magic movie screen standing twenty feet high and thirty feet wide showed a reverse image of me walking out the door. The audience on the other side of the screen had been watching the entire battle. I walked through the screen, trying to walk through the image of myself, but that image was way too big so it didn’t look as cool as I hoped. The screen shimmered and disappeared.

  I shook my head, sending water droplets flying every which way, then I willed myself dry, and let my hair style itself as I stood before the group.

  “Nicely done, Brett,” Gideon said, shooting me a thumbs up.

  “There is now only one Brett,” the Matriarch said. “Congratulations. You passed the test.”