The Hidden Room

by C S Joseph

  September 30, 1918

  Arthur came by and we walked together for hours. We started by going down to the park. It was a crisp, clear afternoon. There were a lot of people out. Men in their hats, women in their dresses. We seemed to fit in with the crowd. A cold breeze blew off the lake, and he wrapped his jacket around my shoulders. Arthur hopes we will have at least three children. All boys, of course. Our oldest would be called Arthur. I sighed internally and gave him my best smile. Arthur talked the entire time about all the things our life would be once we are married. He will design grand buildings, and we will attend parties of the very wealthy. I will be his beautiful wife, and people will proclaim how we belong together without question.

  I am not worthy of the praise, nor the fantasy in his head. I wanted him to stop talking. I don’t want three boys. I would love a little girl, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life playing mother and wife. I want to work where my father worked, at the hospital, where I grew up. I would love for my daughter to grow up there as well.

  He asked about my dreams for our life together. I was quite startled by the question. He hadn’t asked me anything on our entire walk. I didn’t know what to say. I saw the eagerness in his face, so I began to lie. I blurted out that I dream of having children and making him happy. I told him I’d like to wait a couple of years before they arrive, to be able to spend time as a couple. I always envisioned going overseas to visit Europe after the war is over, maybe help them rebuild. With Arthur’s skills as an architect and master builder and my ability to help in the hospitals, I would think we would have a marvelous time together.

  The more I spoke, the more I realized that I would love to go and work in a hospital in France or Spain or Italy. Be of service. The region is so torn apart by this ugly war. I hope that we see the end of it soon. Arthur smiled warmly at me. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and promised me anything I wanted.

  It is days like this when I feel most confused. He is such a sweet, gentle man. He cares for me very deeply. I know that he loves me. I feel like I could start caring for him too. I also know that my body does not react to him the way it is starting to react when Emma is near me.

  I saw her this evening. She reached out and touched my shoulder. I never wanted her hand to leave. I stood there and closed my eyes after she left. I imagined what it would have been like if she had leaned over so effortlessly and kissed my cheek. I am certain, that if she had, I would not have the stale feeling that Arthur left with me.

  November 16, 1918

  The mayor has lifted the closures; the influenza epidemic finally seems to be under control. It was so strange in the city over the past several weeks. The emptiness and lack of spirit has been hanging over us all like a dark cloud. We finally heard the church bells ring today, and children are in the streets on their way to school. It was incredible that such a sickness could plunge the city into complete gloom and despair. I am so grateful that Emma, Mrs. Hartley, and I got through this without so much as a cough.

  Chapter Six

  Reese put down the first book, face down so as not to lose her spot. She rolled over in bed, closed her eyes, and thought about how badly she felt for this woman who obviously was struggling with her feelings for her fiancé and her friend. It sounded like there was little choice in the matter. She pushed away thoughts of how amazingly similar the situation was between her and Julia. That would be too much to think about. Especially, since Reese was pretty sure that she’d ruined things.

  Her earlier anger from the phone conversation had fizzled out. She wanted nothing more than for this dance of theirs to end. Ending the dance, though, meant making a decision, choosing. Reese wanted to pick Julia. She wanted to hold Julia, feel her, love her. The decision was hanging over her head. Logically, she knew she had already picked Aiden when she married him. He was the only choice she could make, because her son needed his father. Moral standards. Personal ethics. Reese was struggling.

  A fantasy had begun to form in the back of her mind. What if she let something happen with Julia? What if she allowed them to be together? What would Julia feel like? Taste like? Lying on her bed, she closed her eyes. Images of her beautiful friend flashed through her mind. No.

  Her eyes snapped open. Reese imagined her son crying for his father, asking why she broke up their family, why she ruined his life.

  No. Being friends with Julia would be enough. At least she would still be in her life. That was all Reese could hope for.

  †

  Organizing was the best way for Reese to keep her mind off the Julia situation. From an early age, Reese had learned to hide her sadness and loneliness. Showing her feelings brought her no comfort. It only hurt more when her mother’s discomfort with vulnerability required Reese to push her feelings aside. As an adult, compartmentalizing became an automatic response. If she felt sadness, she’d go straight to task. Keeping herself busy was the best medicine.

  Soon enough, it was time to pick up Zachary from school. She grabbed her purse and keys and hurried out of the house. Once in the car, her mind turned again to Julia. Reese wasn’t sure how to feel after their conversation the night before. She was thrilled when Julia confessed her feelings. At the same time, knowing there was nothing she could do was agonizing.

  The house renovations should keep them occupied, but she feared what might happen if they were alone. Perhaps, the diaries would be a good distraction.

  Reese pulled up in line at the school and waited for Zachary to climb into the car. “Hey, how was school?”

  “Mom, it was awesome! Jason introduced me to a couple of guys at lunch. They seemed cool. They all play baseball. This weekend they invited me to go play with them. Can I go?”

  “Well, I don’t mind, but I would like to talk to a parent beforehand. Is there a way to get in contact with them?”

  “Yeah, I’ll give them your number. Guess what? Someone got an answer wrong in class, so the teacher asked me if I knew the answer. Nailed it!”

  “Really? That’s great! What was the question?”

  Reese kept her eyes on the road.

  “It was about magnetic poles. I told the teacher that opposites attract.”

  Reese slammed on the brakes. Their seat belts jerked them hard against their seats.

  The car in front of them had braked for a light. As her son spoke, Reese worried that he had heard her conversation with Julia the night before. She almost hadn’t seen the car stop in front of her.

  No, he couldn’t have heard us. Right? She looked over at her son, who was gaping at the car in front of them.

  “That was close, Mom!”

  “Sorry.” She looked back to the road. The light changed, and they started moving again.

  “Anyway, I knew that because Jules and I talked about it once. She told me after she got that toy magnet for me, remember?”

  Of course. “Reese exhaled a quiet sigh. “Yes I remember, sweetheart. You two played with that for hours.”

  “Well yeah, we were picking up all sorts of things. It was fun. I can’t wait til Jules comes. Is she…um…still gonna come?”

  “Yes, and she wants you to call her when you get home. She called for you last night, but you were in bed.” Reese felt a little out of sorts suddenly. She didn’t know how she was supposed to be feeling. She wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It was almost like that conversation had been a dream. Maybe it had. Maybe she’d dreamt it all, and when they got home and called Julia, Reese would realize that the conversation had never happened.

  “Yeah, I wanna call her. Can I call before I do my homework?”

  “We can try. She might be at work.” The rest of the ride home was quiet. Reese was stuck in her mind, trying to figure out what she was going to do about Julia. She wanted to talk to her about everything and nothing at the same time. Should she mention the conversation?

  †

  Zach watched the trees pass by, then looked over at his mom as she drove. He thought about what he’d hea
rd the night before, when he went to climb in bed with his mom. She’d sounded upset, so he stood outside the bedroom door and listened. He heard her say Julia’s name. He heard his mom say she could never be with Julia because of him, that he was more important. His mom was crying. Not wanting to be caught out of bed, Zach had gone back to his room.

  He felt guilty. He loved Jules too. The most upsetting thing to him was that his mom was so unhappy. He wasn’t troubled to hear her confess her love for someone who wasn’t his dad, not even that she’d said it to a woman. He knew that Jules dated women. He liked her girlfriend, Caitlyn. She was a nice lady, who would sometimes sit at the table and help Zach with his homework. His mom would be cooking dinner, and Jules would usually be running late from work. Zach thought about when Julia played baseball with him.

  †

  “C’mon, little man. Don’t be afraid of the ball. You’ve gotta put your body in front of it. It’ll only hurt ya if you don’t catch it. I’m gonna hit a pop fly.” She swung the bat, and the crack sent the ball soaring.

  Zach held his breath, as he ran up to catch the ball. He didn’t think he was going to catch it. He was going to let her down.

  “Zach, get your body under it. Watch it! There ya go! Don’t be afraid, get your glove up!”

  He did as she instructed. He lifted his glove and felt the ball slam into the pocket. He grabbed the ball out with his other hand and held it up in the air. “Jules! I did it! I caught it!” Jules whooped and he ran to her. She grabbed him under his arms and swung him around in a high circle. She pulled him into a hug and rubbed her hand over his head.

  “I am so proud of you, Zach! I told you. You did it!” Her smile was enormous. “Now when you see your dad, you can show him what you can do!”

  He knew that would never happen. His dad never played with him. Baseball and everything else Zach liked was too boring. He looked down at the ground. “Yeah, sure. That will never happen.”

  “What? C’mon! What dad doesn’t wanna play catch with his son?”

  “Mine.”

  Jules kneeled next to him. “Hey, it’s okay. I can play catch with you more often if you’d like. I love that kinda thing.”

  “I wish you were my dad, Jules. At least you play with me.”

  She made a funny face, then quipped, “Yeah, well. I can’t help with that, but I am your friend. And I’d be happy to keep playing with you, if you want?”

  Zach scuffed his toe in the dirt. “I wanna get better with my batting. Can we do that instead?”

  “Sure, little man. Whatever you wanna do.”

  †

  Zach loved his dad. He’d been like a hero to him since forever, but that feeling was starting to fade. Zach no longer felt like his dad could do no wrong. He hated when his parents fought. It was hard to live with the two of them in the same house. His dad was good at making his mom cry, if he ever made it home. Zach hated hearing or seeing his mom cry.

  The hero cape had slipped off when Zach went to the department store with his dad. They saw a woman who knew his dad well enough to kiss him, as if Zach wasn’t even there. On the way home, he was instructed to not tell his mother. Right. At first, Zach was upset. It scared him. He knew a few kids whose parents were divorced. He didn’t want it to be him. Back then, he was convinced that if they ever split up, he would be able to get them back together. As time went by, he realized neither of his parents were happy, especially his mom. He could see she was sad. He tried to make her life easier by not asking for much. He remembered an evening when everything he knew about his Dad changed forever.

  †

  Zach was sitting at the kitchen island. He’d just finished his homework. “Mom.“

  She let the pot drop into the sink for a second, then rinsed and hoisted it atop the few dishes in the strainer.

  “Yes?”

  “Dad wasn’t home for dinner again. When is he gonna be home? I wanted to show him that I finished my airplane model. I just need his help with the propeller. It keeps falling off.” He saw her shoulders slump a little. She put her hands on the edge of the counter. She didn’t turn around to look at him.

  “I don’t know, Zachary. He was supposed to be home two hours ago.” Slowly, she turned to face him. Her happy mask was back on. “Do you want me to see if I can do it?”

  “Nah, I can wait.” He watched her for a second. Something sad snuck in and settled in the corner of her mouth. “Can I watch TV?”

  “Yes, but you’ve got to get in the shower in twenty minutes.”

  Zach sprawled out on a floor cushion and turned on the cartoon channel, while his mom finished cleaning up from dinner. He heard a car door close and then another. His dad was home, and Jules was with him. That was weird. He looked weird too. His work shirt was half tucked into his pants and unbuttoned at the top. He strolled in with his jacket slung over his shoulder. Zach watched his dad walk right into the kitchen and grab his mom by her waist and kiss her hard. Zach saw his mom struggle.

  “Little man, c’mere.” Jules stretched her hand out and led Zach upstairs. “Okay, it’s time for your shower, right?”

  “Mom told me I could watch TV. I wanna see my dad.”

  “Your mom and dad have to talk right now. So shower time is early. Grab your stuff.”

  With a huff, Zach pulled out his clothes and went into his bathroom. He turned on the shower.

  “Zach, take your time. Please don’t come downstairs, okay?”

  “Yeah, Jules.”

  When he was finished with his shower, he could hear yelling, mostly from his mom. He snuck from his room to hide at the top of the stairs.

  “Aiden, drunk driving? I can’t…you are so lucky that Julia has a friend in the police department. Do you have any idea what this could do to you? To our son?”

  “C’mon, you’re just worried that I might make you look bad at work. The novelist’s drunk husband. How do you think your PR guy is gonna spin this?”

  “You think this is about my job? Are you serious? This is about our family. You know, the ones that you leave at home for hours without a call or text. Zachary’s been waiting for you to come home and pay attention to him, and you decide to go and get drunk instead? Your son needs you, Aiden.”

  “Don’t you dare bring him into this. I met a client for a drink to discuss a deal that I’m pushing through. I can do whatever the hell I want. Don’t start ordering me around, you bitch.” Zach heard a slap and his mom cried out.

  “You will not treat Reese like that, especially in front of me.” Jules’s strong voice filled the house. Zach saw her step forward and grab his dad’s shirt. His dad stumbled backward and knocked over a vase behind the couch. He swiped at her hand. She grabbed more of his shirt and pushed him slightly. Zach was frozen to his spot.

  “You can’t put your goddamn hands on me in my own house.”

  “I coulda just left you in that cell for the night. I brought you home. I didn’t give you any shit. Listen up, Aiden. You will not disrespect her. Nor will you ever touch her again. Do you understand me?”

  The house was deadly quiet. Zach watched his mom move behind Julia and put her hand on her back. Julia’s grip relaxed, but she shoved his dad one more time before she released him. She turned toward his mom. “Do you want me to take him back to the police? Has he ever—”

  “No! Never. Never, Julia, I swear. I’ve never seen him this drunk.”

  His mom and Jules stared at each other for a minute, then Jules spun around.

  “If you ever touch your wife like that again, I will make sure you never see the light of day.”

  “Threatening me now, Porter? Isn’t that something you should be arrested for?”

  Jules laughed. Zach noticed his dad tried to stand up straight but fell over. Jules grabbed fist full of his shirt and pulled him to a standing position. “No, you fucking idiot. I didn’t threaten you at all. That is just a fact…a promise.”

  “Reese, I won’t leave until he is no longer a threat. I’
m gonna take him upstairs to sleep it off. Pick out a movie or something. I’ll check on Zach.” When Jules turned around, Zach knew he’d been caught looking down at them from behind the railing. He felt the weight of her gaze, but she nodded only slightly. “C’mon, Aiden. It’s bedtime.”

  Zach quietly scurried back to his room. A few minutes later, Jules was knocking on his door. “Come in.”

  She sat on the edge of his bed. “Hey, little man.”

  “Hey, Jules.”

  “How much of that did you see?”

  “I heard some. I came out just before he slapped Mom.”

  “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen or heard any of that. I remember when my mom and dad would fight. It was horrible. Your dad is a good guy. He just had too much to drink tonight.”

  “Why did he hit my mom?”

  Jules dropped her head with a sigh. “There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. No matter how mad you are, no matter how drunk. He should be arrested, but that’s up to your mom. She knows your dad better than I do.”

  Zach was glad for her honesty. She didn’t talk to him like he was a little kid. He heard a noise and saw his mom peeking in the door. Jules didn’t seem to notice.

  “Zach, when you grow up and fall in love, it will be the most amazing feeling in the world. Everything in life will seem bigger and brighter than it was before. You’ll get married and have kids of your own someday. Things won’t always be simple or go the way you want. But even in those hard times, make sure that you appreciate the love you have. Never think that it’s okay to take your frustrations out in a violent way and never on the person you love.”

  He’d listened carefully to her as she spoke. She never looked up from the floor. “Jules, I won’t. I promise. I won’t.”