by Xyla Turner
"Spoke to Lily earlier this week," I started off and his head popped up almost immediately, giving me his undivided attention. "She's doing alright. I, uh, called her. Not sure why really but I did and we talked for over two hours. She apologized and asked me to forgive her. Said, she'd suffered from depression and that I would have never let her go. That's why she ran. Ummm."
I stopped to gather myself before continuing.
"Yeah, I didn't see the depression Pops. She was my wife and I never knew. Always blamed myself for her leaving. Wondering why I couldn't cut it as a husband. It didn't help that I lost my baby girl. Couldn't cut it as a father and then there was nothing. I numbed it with bullshit, bars and quick fucks. I ain't never dealt with it, till I talked to her. It feels good, Pops. I'm not sure what any of it means right now but for once in a goddamn long time, I feel good."
My eyes met my fathers who seemed to still be taking in everything I had to say. He sternly nodded his head after a beat and said, "Son, I'm mighty proud of you. Takes a strong man to take the bull by the horn and not give one damn." His eyes dropped to the chicken in his flour-covered hands. "Glad you got what you needed and now you can move on. Means ya free."
Pops continued to flour the chicken with his special recipe that he stored in some random cookie jar. It occurred to me that I could have left at that point but I had come to say something, and that needed to happen.
"Sorry for pushing you and the family away. I was uh, hurting, and not really sure what do with that shit but uh, thanks for never giving up on me Pops. Can never repay you for that," I blurted out.
The older man stopped shaking the bowl filled with flour and a variety of other spices, then his eyes met mine.
"Nor do you ever have to. You’re my son. I'd do anything for you, even kick your ass. You're mine. Always will be." He nodded in my direction and then quickly turned away.
It wasn't because the chicken needed to get cooked but he was about to get emotional and we didn't really do shit like that. So, I stood up and told him, "I'll get some movies queued up and running, so everybody can watch and let you cook."
"Yeah, yeah." His salt and pepper mane nodded. "Do that."
"Gotcha Pops."
Within an hour or so, the family started trickling in with various dishes. Ms. Ida brought her famous sweet potato casserole. J.D. brought Tess, Troy came by himself and Mills had sodas but there was no Rebecca this time.
When he saw me there already, he paused then walked into the kitchen. After he cleared the living room, I followed him and asked, "Got a second."
His sharp eyes searched mine, then he curtly nodded and we went where we always did to talk. The back porch which overlooked the Timms’ farm. The wind barely blew as the spring season came to a close.
"Talked to Lily," I stared off. "You were right."
The words seemed to rush out of me but I kept going even as Mills’ head jerked to mine.
"That shit needed to be addressed a long time ago and I guess I was too scared to find out the real reasons and confirm my suspicions of not being good enough. Uh, she was going through some things and I never knew. Fucked up thing is that she felt that she wasn't enough for me. Said, I deserved better. Said she ran because she knew I'd never let her go."
Mills’ head nodded as he confirmed, "You wouldn't have."
"Yeah," I agreed. "She knew that but she's doing well. Husband, kids, all that."
"How do you feel about that?" Mills asked with caution.
"I'm happy for her. She got her happy ending and I can't be anything but fucking elated. She's happy and despite the pain I've carried and tried to bury for years, that's what I want for her," I said at the same time checking my feelings on the issues.
Above all else, I wanted Lily to be happy, and that made me okay.
"Wow, brother," Mills said with wonder. "Never thought I'd see the day."
My head swiveled towards him when I answered in turn, "Me either."
The two of us stayed out there for a little longer in silence, watching the rows of crops, the hard labor that Pops and Mills put into the farm. Finally, I broke the silence and said, "Sorry about the shit at my office. I wasn't ready but thanks for pushing me."
"That, my older brother, is what brothers are for." Mills patted me on the back. "Pops may be a surly man but that was one thing he instilled in us. We are our brother's keeper."
I pulled him in for a quick man hug and patted him on the back.
"That, he did." I hit the middle of his back and repeated. "That, he did."
Chapter Eleven
Nina:
My father finally got back in contact with me after he had come off of a world tour cruise with his partner. A woman he worked with, according to him, but nothing more. We talked about his relationship with mom and he said the same thing as mom. However, he seemed to be on the same shit I was dealing with by not committing. I tried to encourage him to let shit go but he said, eighteen years was long enough to learn a lesson. I didn’t argue with the man, but if this woman was anything like me, she wouldn’t stay around for too much longer.
Mom and I had actually gone out to have that lunch and it was not only therapeutic but eye-opening. As a sullen teenager, I'd never had the mind to get to know my mother. When I should have taken the time to foster an adult relationship with her, we all went our own ways. I knew who my mother was but the woman, I had no clue. Therefore, we decided to meet twice a month and catch up on who the other was like as grown folks.
It was our fifth-time meeting at the local eatery in her neighborhood on a Saturday morning. The sun was out and shining bright, so we picked an outside table under the awning that gave us the shade we needed. Our conversation had taken a turn, and that was when Mom told me that she was seeing a guy but said it would never be anything else. Apparently, he was an engineer and had three grown children. She liked him well enough but Mom was traumatized about her one and only marriage. However, she thought I was too young to base her poor decisions based on marriage I grew up seeing.
"You've done so much and you're much smarter than I was. You're also older than I was.” Mom laughed as she had been trying to talk me out of my general attitude about marriage and the like. “You’re not tied to a man because you’re pregnant with his baby. Plus, wait until you find the man who pushes past all that defensiveness and steals your heart."
I must have involuntarily winced because her head jerked back, before she followed up and corrected herself, "Maybe this man has already gotten through?"
My thoughts went to Knox and all the good times but then they went to the last time. That caused me to shake my head in the negative. He might have broken through but he was not the man for me.
"Tell me all about him." Mom perked up and took a sip of lemonade.
"There's nothing to tell, really." I tried to calm her down. "If you think the guy in Fifty Shades is fucked up, then add Knox to that list."
Mom's eyebrows rose, when she said with curiosity and wonder, "Wait, he's into the whole BDSM thing?"
I nearly choked at those words.
"No, no," I answered. "I mean, just fucked up with so much unresolved shit. Moodier than a cockatoo and has no idea how to properly release whatever he's dealing with."
That was the best way to put him because it was true. Despite my feelings about the man that I'd grown to like, I'd given him way too many chances for him to let me down again. Which he did on several occasions and he'd get no more from me.
"Yet, he's broken through to you though," Mom pointed out to me.
I openly stared at her as the words she'd just spoken hit its intended target.
Fuck.
"Mom, believe me. He's not the one," I clarified.
"Nina, I am the last person to give man advice. The absolute last but I have learned something along the way." She inhaled. "Your father and I, we were not friends, not compatible, not anything. Now, that was one hundred shades of fucked up. We just had you and from the looks o
f it, you got some shit you're dealing with as a result but I can tell, you're a good person, hardworking and a productive citizen. For that, I'm happy. Now, imagine us having an ounce of love. Just an ounce. Imagine if I would have broken through to him or him to me. Wow. What a difference that would have made? Not just for us as people but for our only daughter."
She paused and continued, "I'm just saying. A man who has gotten past those defenses of yours is a strong something. Might even be the type of strength you need as you continue your quest to the real Nina."
She held up her hands in surrender and went on to eat as my eyes burned into the woman who hadn't had the privilege to have a voice in my life or choices. As much as I wanted to dismiss her words, I thought of what my childhood would have been like if they had an ounce of what she was talking about.
That love.
Just an ounce.
As the summer months passed on, my plans to move were a distant memory. Tess seemed happy about that because she said she did not want to plan the wedding by herself. She had always been preparing for the event and I had been by her side, but my best friend's wedding was three weeks away and tensions were high. J.D.'s New York offices were almost complete, so he was focused on that, which made Tess a little more than angry.
I was to meet her for lunch, when I saw her and J.D. arguing on the sidewalk outside the restaurant.
Loudly.
"Why are you moving here?" Tess accused. "Is it primarily for your business or to be with me?"
"You know the answer to that," J.D. growled at her.
My girl's hands were on her hips, nose was flared, and her brows were almost touching her hairline.
"Clearly, I don't. You are almost non-existent when it comes to this wedding and if this is any indication of what our marriage will be then I'm not interested." Tess went straight for the jugular vein. I knew anything after that was going to be a nuclear explosion.
J.D.'s eyebrows rose to mountainous levels and then he was quickly in her space. If I didn't know him or them, I might have thought it was to intimidate her. The man was too smart for that because Tess was not frightened by him or anyone for that matter. I had seen her go toe-to-toe with him on a few occasions, so fear was not his intent. I had learned over the past few months, even with Knox, it was to reconnect the bond; I’m sure he thought it had been frayed.
Yeah.
"Not interested?" he growled inches away from her face. "You think you can just say shit like that and I'd be moved darling? Think because you’re scared, I'm going to leave? I'm busy. We're making a huge move. For both of us and me in particular because I am moving my ass and my company from one place to another. Do I want to help you pick out wedding dresses? Hell fucking no. I want you in one and at my side. Just like I want you at my side, right now. So don't throw around words like, you're not interested, Tess. I don't like that shit and we're going to have a heap of shit if that's how we start. You know that. We've been through that. Even in our counseling sessions, so do not say shit like that to me. If I have to carry you down the goddamn aisle in jeans, then so be it. I will do it and then spank your ass for making me."
His voice lowered some more and then he said, "It's alright to be scared but I don't give two shits about the logistics. Just marry me, darling. We ain't arguing. We’re getting married."
Tess' face had morphed from outright fury to a butterball kitten. Her eyebrows were relaxed, her bottom lip slightly poked out and her shoulders were no longer hunched, like a lion ready to protect her cubs. She was his woman and happy to be that. Even after her scandalous words.
J.D. grabbed Tess' hands and they turned to walk towards their penthouse. He pulled her in close, so there would be no doubt as to what was going to happen later. Therefore, that move meant no lunch with Tess. This was confirmed a few moments later, when she texted:
Tess: Girl, long story but I can’t make lunch. I’ll make it up tomorrow.
Almost as if my world had shifted, I thought of Knox. How he'd nearly done the same thing in the restaurant and despite our relationship status, he'd shown me why I would be sleeping with him. That made me think of what type of husband he'd be. The kind of father he'd be or even uncle. I didn't want to think of him in that way, especially after our last encounter, but the man got on a plane after a drunk text. That was the same sort of man that could transform absolute fury into a pre-orgasmic session.
However, I had given up my looser ways; my focus was now on self and not temporary pleasures. The internal healing was taking place and I began to feel stronger every day.
Well, every day until rehearsal started and Tess' soon-to-be brother-in-law, Knox himself, showed up to the rehearsal hall.
Goddamn.
Those thigh-hugging jeans, cowboy boots, red, white and blue plaid shirt with the big ass buckle. He was clean-shaven, hair neatly cut, high in the front and short on the sides. His tanned face was without blemish and his square jaw was in plain sight.
Damn.
I had to get myself together because the man looked good enough to eat as he strutted into the hall with his brothers and father in tow.
"Well, our fucking flight was delayed but we made it," Knox bellowed to J.D., who was now standing and beaming from ear to ear to see his family.
"Glad you made it." J.D. met them half-way to the reserved tables in the back room of the restaurant and embraced them like he hadn't seen them last weekend.
The Timms men hugged each other and then filed around the table greeting everyone in the bridal and groom’s party. Pops came over, gave me a hug and sat right down next to me.
"Girl, you've been a stranger." He patted me on the back. "How are ya?"
The smile spread across my face as the tension in my chest ebbed away. The older man made me feel right at home, despite what I'm sure he already knew. I was not talking to nor acknowledging his second oldest son.
"I'm good, Pops." My head nodded a little harder and I emphasized, "Really good."
"You back in New York?" he asked.
"Yeah, for now. You know. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet, so I'm figuring out life," I explained, then I turned the tables off me. "How about yourself?"
"Still kicking people's ass in bowling, if that's what you mean." He turned his gaze towards Tess who sat at the head of the table and yelled, "Just cause it's your wedding don't mean I'd spare you an ass whooping on the good ole' lanes before the big day."
Everyone laughed at Pops chiding of the bride-to-be. Even Knox, who was always so serious; laughter escaped him, thus showing all of his teeth. I didn't mean to stare but I couldn't pull away from the rare moment he was clearly enjoying. His eyes hit mine and my head didn’t turn fast enough as I seemed to be engulfed in a spell that overtook me. It was not until Tess replied to Pops with, "Old man, name the time and place. My bowling shoes and ball are in the car."
When everyone erupted in laughter again, I was finally able to jerk my head away from the mesmerizing scene.
This was going to be a long three days.
Once dinner was over, we listened to the bride and groom, along with the wedding planner who gave us our marching orders for rehearsal the next day. Once I arrived home, caught up with the Walking Dead television show; I saw that I would not get much sleep that night. The laughing Knox occupied my mind and I didn't really appreciate his invasion of my conscience.
If this was happening on the first night of just seeing the man, I could only imagine what would happen the next day. Knox was the best man and I was the Maiden of Honor. Therefore, the man had to escort me down the aisle of the church. At first, the wedding planner served as my buffer until she walked with us half way down the aisle and turned back so we could do it on our own.
Unfortunately, during rehearsal I had to deal with him and our first moment alone, he starts his shit.
"We should talk," Knox whispered.
I remained silent and kept walking down the aisle with my right arm slipped through his.
/>
"You look great, Nina." He continued talking, "I've been thinking about you lately and we need to catch up."
More silence followed, as he let me go when we reached the altar and went in opposite directions.
"Great job," the planner shouted. "Now come back and do it again."
Yup, a very long three days.
Rehearsal lasted for nearly three hours and that was exactly how long, I ignored Knox Timms. He asked many questions and I barely acknowledged his presence because there was simply nothing to say. When it was all over, Knox was pulled away to handle the bachelor's party so the ladies and I began with our own festivities.
There were three bride’s maids and I was the Maiden of Honor. Briana worked with us at LIT but she worked in the Human Resources Department. Amanda was Tess’ friend from Zumba class and Susan was someone that I’d just met but she and Tess were friends from college.
Our first adventure, included pole dancing classes. This was important so Tess could use the pole we had installed in J.D.’s penthouse. It was a surprise wedding present, but after her honeymoon, she would definitely see the shiny chrome pole in the middle of their bedroom. Amanda, the most soft-spoken among us had not only come alive when we entered the place but apparently had some expertise with the pole moves.
After we finished with the class, we went to the spa and stayed for hours getting what the salon called, the wedding party package. This include aromatherapy massage, mini facial, coconut milk pedicure, spa manicure, and of course some Mimosas. The makeup artist would be in our suite bright and early the next morning, along with the hair dresser for those of use that needed light touchups.
After the spa, we rode in a stretch limo drinking more Mimosas and giggling down the Eastern River to the exclusive restaurant that was combined with a Burlesque Club. The dancing was amazing, the shows were outlandish but we enjoyed every moment. More importantly, Tess loved everything.