Love Renewed (Entwined Hearts #3)

by Maria Macdonald

  “I’m getting it.” I smile and turn around, going to pay.

  Walking into my martial arts club tonight I feel like I have a lot of frustration to release. I started at this club about two years ago. It’s self-defence, but it’s also a confidence builder and I love the instructor as he has always made me feel welcome like I belong. We start with our usual warm up, then practice some defensive moves, after which we all split and start working on our individual goals. I’ve been learning boxing, so I line up with the punching bag and go a few rounds. Once the sweat is stinging my eyes, I stop and close them. Centring myself and bringing my heart rate back down.

  “You were always it for me. There was…is, never going to be anyone else.”

  My eyelids spring open. I have no idea where that thought came from. The conversations with Dane, while I was visiting England keep popping into my head lately, usually at inappropriate times. Like when I’m with Davy, and even though I’ve probably only spent a total of two hours with Dane, he’s made me question everything. We didn’t have many chats, but he always made me feel like they held weight. He didn’t explain his feelings in depth. He knew I had a boyfriend, and respected that. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. Dane told me enough though to convince me, without a shadow of a doubt, that what we had, what we were, must have been something special. But I can’t remember anything, and I’m so scared of what he could tell me. He knew me…before I knew myself.

  What if I was different back then? What if I was horrible?

  Or worse.

  What if I was better.

  I’m flying out to New York tomorrow to sort out some business, I also need to attend to personal shit. I’m not sure if Nova is ready for me, but at this point I have nothing to lose. Sitting in my car I stare at my hands resting in my lap. The things these hands have done. The things I’ve done, allowing the darkness to swallow me. My family have been my reprieve, but only Nova can save me. I need her to walk beside me. To live life with me. Before I’m consumed and then there will be no turning back. Sighing I realise I’ve been sitting outside Saul’s for the last ten minutes. Hopefully, nobody has noticed or I’ll face twenty questions. I need to explain that I’m going over to the US early, but that won’t mean I’ll miss their wedding.

  “You all right, bro?” Saul asks answering the door.

  Shaking my head I reply, “Yes Saul, I’m fine, just like I was when you asked an hour ago on the phone.”

  He shrugs, unembarrassed that he’s fussing over me.

  Fuck. I love that he’s my brother.

  “So what was the impromptu visit all about?” Soph asks while enveloping me in a hug. I take in her vanilla scent and it gives me a moment of temporary peace. Then she lets go and the darkness sits, surrounding me again.

  “Just wanted a little catch-up,” I reply easing down onto their sofa. Crossing my leg, resting the ankle of one leg on the knee of the other. I slide my arm along the sofa and look across at my brother and soon to be sister in law, sitting on the couch opposite. I want that, their bliss. I want that to be Nova and me.

  “A catch up about what? Have you spoken to Libby?” Soph asks excitement glittering in her eyes.

  The mention of Libby causes a stab of emotion. I still think of her as Elizabeth, the fact that she has chosen to leave Elizabeth behind is a stark reminder that she’s not the same person. My Elizabeth may be gone forever. I have to face that fact. This is why I need to go out there. If Elizabeth is actually gone forever, then she’s taken Dane with her—at least the young kid I once was. I’ve never been someone who gives up without a fight. But I won’t just fight for her, I’ll battle, wage war and pull the world apart at the seams if I have to. And in the end I’ll win. Or I’ll lose. But I will never be able to look in a mirror again if I don’t try, with every fucking thing in my arsenal.

  I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s against the rules. I’m fed up with fucking rules. I want to live for a change. Davy and I just revolve around each other. I’m sick of it. Sick of having a part-time relationship. Sick of having part-time mediocre sex. So after leaving my self-defence class tonight, still sweaty and pumped I decided to go and crash at Davy’s. Hopefully, get some hot sex and expel my excess energy. I’ve had it in an abundance lately, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to shake it. However, now I’m outside his building, I feel awkward like I shouldn’t be here. It’s stupid, I’ve been his girlfriend for six months. Spent nights in his bed, but I still feel like I hardly know him. The worst thing about that is the lack of annoyance I have with it. I don’t feel the need to push and find out more about him. I don’t ask him questions or ask for more time with him. Hell, the truth of tonight is just that I want sex, once a week isn’t cutting it anymore. If there’s one thing that makes me envious of Mel, it’s her almost constant sex life. I want to feel constantly sated, I need someone to fuck me into next week. More than all of that—I just want to feel wanted. Sexy. Like my boyfriend can’t keep his hands off me. Davy doesn’t do that. He never has.

  Standing in the elevator, watching the numbers light up, I wonder why we’re still together. He doesn’t make me feel alive, fuck, he barely makes me feel anything.

  Remember—Stable, dependable, consistent. That’s what I need.

  After reminding myself why I’m with Davy I walk to his door, unpicking the sweaty strands of hair that have stuck to my face on my dash here. I knock and wait. After a pause and some commotion, Davy answers the door.

  “Libby, what are you doing here?” he asks frowning.

  Placing my hand on his chest I gaze up at him through my eyelashes, trying to look sexy.

  “Ugh, Lib, get off me you’re all sweaty,” he says picking my hand off him with his finger and thumb like he may catch a disease from touching me.

  “Davy, I’ve come over here for some hot, sweaty sex, are you seriously turning me down?” I ask exasperated.

  He just looks at me with confusion, or maybe it’s disgust. Whatever it is, my desire has disappeared and I’m left wondering again whether we should be together. Glancing around I realise I’m still in the hallway.

  “Aren’t you even going to invite me in?” I splutter, amazed at his inhospitality.

  “Well, I have a lot of work to get through tonight and—” he starts telling me but I cut him off.

  “Don’t worry about it.” As I turn to leave, I change my mind spinning back around and I can see the surprise wash over his face. “Actually, before I leave I just want to let you know that I think we should have a break.”

  “A break?”

  “Yes. You know those things people in relationships sometimes have when said relationship is a bit shit,” I reply and his eyes widen.

  “We don’t need to have a break. We’re fine, we just need to maybe redefine our relationship slightly,” he tells me.

  “Ugh!” I moan and he tuts, looking around and checking the neighbours haven’t heard me. “For fuck’s sake, Davy. This is ridiculous. You know, I never realised what a pussy you were until now.” My mouth gets away from me and I feel bad for a second, and am about to apologise when he opens his mouth and reinforces my thoughts.

  “You're so brazen Libby. That isn’t you. When I first met you, I thought you were quiet and mousey. I thought you were a lady, but this behaviour shows me you’re not. What’s more, is that since you’ve come back from England it’s like you’ve allowed this other Libby out of her box. Now you want a break? Well, let’s make it a breakup. I think we both see this isn’t going anywhere now. But my advice if you ever want a decent man in the future, would be to lock back up this person who’s emerged lately because she’s a lesser side of you.” His face is red and he looks down his nose at me.

  Smiling at him confusion crosses his features. “A break up sounds great. Hopefully, I can find a real man now. The last thing I’ll ever do is take advice from you. If I did, then I’d end up with someone else like you. That’s not me. You’re perfect for someone Davy. That someone isn’t me
.” I wink and leave. Feeling so much happier. I feel free like I’ve woken up from a very long slumber. I’m excited at what the future holds. I’ve spent so much time worrying about the past I don’t have, that I’ve never really looked forward before.

  As I walk out of Davy’s building, I grab the earphones from my iPod which are still attached to my arm from the class earlier and slide them back up my sleeve to my shoulder tucking them into my ears. Just as I flick the music to life and Trouble by Taylor Swift starts, the heavens open and the rain pours down. I smile as everyone rushes for shelter. Opening my arms wide and staring at the sky I spin and spin until I’m dizzy and soaked. Only then do I start my walk home. As I do, it continues to rain. Washing away the film that has been suffocating me for far too long.

  “Listen. Dane spoke to us last night and he’s going to New York, he’s going to try and get Libby back, but I think we could step in. You know, give her a small nudge,” I tell Pea and Con while Saul shakes his head. “What?” I snap at him.

  “Nothing babe.”

  “Then don’t shake your head at me, Saul James!”

  He smiles and my insides melt. I still can’t quite believe that he’s finally mine.

  “Look, whatever we do or don’t do,” I say staring at Saul inviting him to say something. His lips twitch, but he remains silent. “I think that we need to not talk to Dane about it when he gets here. He’s all talked out and I just want him to have fun.” Pea nods at me.

  “Sounds good. Maybe we should pop out for a bit, let the men have some guy time,” she says nodding her head toward Saul and Con.

  “Yeah, that sounds like a plan,” I answer.

  Five hours later and guy time is officially over. However, so is peace.

  “I don’t think so, Con!” Pea shouts, hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed.

  “I don’t get what the problem is?” Con shoots back shrugging his shoulders.

  “You don’t get what the problem is…are you on drugs?” Pea gets louder and crosses her arms over her chest.

  “Do you think we could creep out the side door?” Saul whispers to me while Dane, who heard Saul’s comment, suppresses a grin.

  “Doubtful,” I whisper back, but still trying to shuffle to the left, aiming for the door. Dane realises my plan as I bang my shoulder gently into his, trying my hardest to go unnoticed. He starts shuffling too. Our plan is working as Con and Pea are so engrossed in their argument. That is until Saul kicks a rogue mug that happened to be on the floor. The scrape of the mug against the tiled floor, followed by the handle snapping off as it falls over, stops Pea and Con in their tracks.

  “What the fuck?” Con snaps, transferring the annoyance he had with Pea onto Saul. I bite the inside of my mouth to stop from laughing.

  “I…it’s just…well…” Saul stops stuttering and glares at me which makes me burst into a fit of giggles. I slap my hand over my mouth and snort through my nose. Then glance around at everyone, ending on Dane, whose eyes are glued to the top of the doorframe on the other side of the room, he also looks like he’s trying not to laugh.

  I look back at Saul, who has wide eyes, and then to Pea whose frown and crossed arms now face me.

  “Who puts a mug on the floor of a kitchen?” I snap, trying to act like I’m pissed off and divert the attention to something else. Pea’s eyes flick down to the cup and then back to Con, who now has the same look as Dane did on his face, but his eyes aim toward the fridge.

  “Con?” Pea says low and menacing

  “I don’t know,” Con lies, he has always been a bad liar.

  “Con!” Pea shouts this time.

  Con’s eyes flick to Saul, my eyes follow to see Saul glaring at Con.

  “Saul?” I ask but my voice, unlike Pea’s, holds humour.

  Saul looks over at Con with a smirk. “Sorry man,” he says and Con just shakes his head.

  “There may have been some activity with a paintball gun,” Saul tells us.

  “What the fuck?” Pea screeches followed by, “Stop right there, Matthews.” Who freezes at her words, his escape attempt thwarted.

  “It was Saul’s idea,” Con says.

  “Seriously bro?” Saul groans.

  “Explain,” Pea clips out not taking her eyes from Con. I look between her and Dane and wonder how alike they really are, that was a classic Dane one-word demand.

  “Well, I was thinking about going to the shooting range. Learning how to shoot and shit,” Con starts telling Pea.

  “How to shoot…and shit? Really Con?” She shakes her head.

  Con glares at her then continues, “Dane said we should stay away from guns, but suggested paintballing. He got all the kit together and then last week came over, but we couldn’t find anywhere to try it. All the places that allow paintballing have their own kit.” At this point, he seems to run out of steam. Pea stares at him waiting. When he realises she’s not going to stop, he rubs his hand down his face and continues speaking, “So I may have suggested we try in here. I may have lined up some mugs and other pieces of crockery and used them to shoot at…and I may have broken some of the plates, cups and other kitchen shit when we did it last week and again today.”

  “Kitchen shit?” Pea whispers quietly and I take a step back. “Kitchen shit?” she repeats, her eyes are like little slits now, narrowed on Con.

  “Con…is that how that red paint got on my Radley handbag?” her voice is getting quieter and I’m thinking Con is getting castrated tonight.

  Con—I think wisely at this point—says nothing.

  “I asked you about my bag, you told me I must have spilt nail varnish on it without realising. You had no idea how it ended up with red paint all over the bottom of the bag. Crazy things happen that we can’t explain, you said. Maybe the last time I used it I put it down on something while I was out, you said.” She is getting louder now.

  “This is what happens when you spend so much money on handbags…they get ruined, and we women get upset, you said!” she’s shouting now and to be fair, Con looks like he’s shitting himself.

  “You played paintball in the fucking kitchen Con. Paintball!”

  “They did too,” Con replies pointing at Dane and Saul.

  “Not cool, bro, not cool,” Saul replies and I’m biting my tongue now, so hard that I may have drawn blood. This shit is so funny, but I’m not stupid enough to get in Pea’s line of fire. Not when she’s on one.

  “Oh no, Conner McKenna, don’t try and move the focus away from you. This is your house, not theirs. You can’t act like a friggin twelve-year-old then tell me that you want another child. Especially, when the one we have is only a few months old!” She slams her hand down on the kitchen surface, which knocks into a plate, which then in turn slams into a glass which shatters.

  “Well, now you’re breaking things,” Con says with a smirk.

  Stupid fuck.

  “That’s it, we’re breaking up…no wedding, no more kids. I’m going to be a single parent…but at least I’ll have my fucking dishes, my handbags, and my sanity!” Pea mutters.

  I have both my hands over my mouth and nose now, I’m struggling not to burst into a fit of giggles. Pea’s ranting—although justified—is so funny.

  Just then Eleanor cries and Pea stomps into the lounge. We’re all quiet, so can hear her clearly.

  “Hey Mama’s little baby, how’s my girl. Mummy loves you,” she coos.

  “She used to talk to me like that,” Con moans.

  “Seriously?” Saul questions with a raised eyebrow. “If that’s true dude, then you have bigger problems than a freshly paintballed kitchen,” Saul says wearing a shit-eating grin.

  “Fuck you,” Con mutters.

  “Don’t mean to interrupt this little lovefest, but maybe now is the time to leave?” Dane asks.

  “Shit, don’t leave me with her!” Con moans.

  “You asked her to marry you,” Saul replies smiling.

  “Little Con does far too much decision making,�
� Con says shaking his head while looking down at his crotch as we all disappear out the side door.

  Walking back to our cars laughing, I watch Dane. He’s happy. Well happier. He’s seemed so sad lately. So lost. Maybe just making a decision has helped him focus. I walk over and hug him. His return embrace is strong and safe.

  “Dane,” I whisper looking up to him. “I want to ask you something?”

  He says nothing, just waits for me to continue, “I’ve spoken to Saul about this and he’s in agreement.” At my words, he arches one eyebrow. “I haven’t got a dad, obviously, and I know you want to stand with Saul, you know as his brother. But I was hoping, well, you can say no—”

  “Tink.” His one word helps me to breathe again and I look back into his eyes.

  “I love you Dane. You’re the best person I know. Don’t tell Saul I said that.” I watch the corner of his mouth tip up. “I want nothing more than for you to get your Nova back. You deserve it.” His lips thin, but I plug on. “Walk me down the aisle. Please?” I ask. Watching him is fascinating at times. Like right now, when he lets his guard slip and all you see is beauty.

  “Tink, of course. I’d be honoured.” He pulls me back in for another hug.

  “All right brother. I need to get my woman home and you need to pack your shit to get your woman back,” Saul says with a smile on his face.

  Dane lets me go and pulls Saul in for a hug. I see him whisper something in Saul’s ear, but I can’t hear it. Whatever it is, it makes Saul swallow a couple of times and brings a lump to my throat just watching it.

  Dane silently walks the few steps to his car, he beeps the locks and opens the door. Looking back at us he says, “I’m getting her back. I’ll find Nova again, even if it means I have to battle the demons with my bare hands.” Then he slips in the car and drives away.