A Mother's Claim

by Janice Kay Johnson

  At the introduction, his “Um” went deep, the “hi” a few octaves higher. As always, he turned red at the loss of control.

  Her father cleared his throat. “It’s a pleasure, son.”

  The carousel jerked to life, providing a welcome distraction. Once her dad grabbed their baggage, Christian took the handle of one of the suitcases and willingly slung the strap of a laptop case over one shoulder. Dana’s father was too macho to let her take anything, leaving the two women with only their purses. When Dana teased her dad, he just laughed.

  Christian’s shyness didn’t last as long as she expected. By the time she drove past the Welcome to Lookout sign, he was talking with her dad about climbing Mount Hood, which on this sunny day dominated the skyline. High and sharp, it was still snow covered.

  “Uncle Nolan said he might take me this summer,” Christian said. “He wants Dana to come, too. Maybe we can do it while you’re here.”

  “I’d love to make the climb,” her dad admitted, “but it might be too late to arrange.”

  “Count me out,” her mother said promptly.

  Christian argued. Peter and Dana had often climbed with their father, but her mom had always balked.

  “Maybe Jason could come,” Dana suggested without thinking.

  Christian’s expression lit...then dimmed.

  After parking in Nolan’s driveway, she took a moment to press a hand to her breastbone to ease the deep ache before releasing her seat belt. No one else noticed, not even Christian—she hoped.

  For all the ground they’d gained, he wasn’t ready to claim her as his mother.

  * * *

  NOLAN EMERGED TO greet Dana’s parents, liking them on sight. Since he’d seen plenty of pictures of them, it shouldn’t have been such a blow to see how much Christian looked like this man.

  He concentrated instead on picking out which pieces Dana had taken from her parents. The shape of her face and her eyes were from her mother, height and smile and coloring from her father. Athleticism, too, he had gathered. Shari Hayes had stayed slim and active but spent her time in the garden. She’d apparently never been an athlete like her husband and both children.

  He felt new pangs when he saw the wonder on their faces when their gazes rested on Christian.

  Christian raised the idea of climbing Mount Hood. Dana’s father thought they could extend their stay, if that would make it possible.

  Nolan’s first instinct was to suggest they aim for next summer, but Christian’s eagerness got to him. It would be a great experience, he had to admit. Three generations...and him.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” he finally agreed.

  “Will we need to hire a guide?” John Hayes asked. “If so, I’m happy to kick in—”

  “No, I’ve made the climb half a dozen times.” He frowned. “I’m probably the only one who is already outfitted.”

  “I am,” Dana said. “I brought everything but crampons and rope. I thought I might want to ski or climb.”

  “I can have my son collect my gear and ship it overnight,” John said. “Cheaper than renting. It occurs to me some of Peter’s winter clothes might fit Christian and save you buying when he’s still growing. I’ll ask him.”

  After putting in a pizza order—the Gregor family go-to—they made plans for her parents to visit Wind & Waves the next day. Dana had yet to see either Christian or Nolan windsurf, so they agreed to go out, while her father thought he’d rent a kayak.

  “Why don’t you come with me?” he asked her, looking surprised at her grimace.

  “I don’t actually swim very well,” she admitted. Nolan was impressed when Christian didn’t hoot at the understatement. “Even with a vest... I don’t think so.”

  Good decision, he thought, without saying it out loud.

  Of course, there were exclamations from her parents, who apparently hadn’t noticed her evading all sizable bodies of water.

  The evening proved surprisingly pleasant, given the undercurrents. Dana’s parents didn’t show any wariness with him. When Christian was out of earshot, they all talked briefly about what measures Craig Stewart might take. Shari’s rage at the man who’d abandoned her daughter was more overt, but Nolan saw a cold light in John’s eyes, one he fully understood.

  He also saw that this family touched easily and often. They tried to restrain themselves where Christian was concerned, but it took an effort. His grandfather wanted to throw an arm over his shoulders, his grandmother wanted to ruffle his hair and even kiss his cheek. Nolan appreciated their self-restraint.

  The climb would erase some of those boundaries. If he could make a success of the expedition, it might cement his place as part of this family, too.

  That slotted into his plan just fine.

  * * *

  TWO DAYS LATER, Jason’s father took four boys, including Christian, to Sky High Sports, an indoor trampoline park in Portland. Since Dana had to work, her parents decided to drive along the Columbia Gorge.

  Nolan met her at the park near her agency for lunch. They nabbed the picnic table farthest from the playground. He tugged her onto the bench beside him.

  “Thank God we’re alone,” he exclaimed.

  She laughed. “My parents just got here.”

  They had insisted on taking a room at the Lookout Inn, although she’d intended to go ahead and buy another bed, since she’d presumably need a guest room in the future.

  “This will give us some independence and you some space,” her mother had declared. “We’ll do some fun things while you’re working. I might even make your father take me out for a romantic dinner one night.”

  When she told Nolan that, he nuzzled her neck. “Tell me when. We’ll have a romantic dinner at home.”

  “With Christian?”

  “It’s never hard to convince him he wants to spend the night with a friend.”

  It sounded good to her. Making love with Nolan was addictive. Seeing him so often and not being able to do more than steal a good-night kiss was hard. If her parents really extended their stay, it could be a long two weeks.

  Prying the lid off his container of chili, he said, “I have to ask.”

  She looked at him curiously. “Ask what?”

  Nolan met her eyes. “Have you told your parents about us?”

  “I... Yes.” Last night, but she didn’t want to tell him that she hadn’t sooner. She hadn’t even chosen the time. When she walked them to their room at the inn, her mother had speared her with an all-too-familiar look and asked bluntly.

  “What did you say?” he asked.

  “I said we’re dating.”

  “Dating?”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “What was I supposed to tell them? That we’re having steamy sex whenever we can get away from my son?”

  He reached for her hand and laced her fingers with his. Voice deep, he said, “You could say that we’re in a relationship.”

  Dana found herself searching his face for something she hardly understood. “Is that what this is?” she whispered.

  “A serious relationship.”

  It scared her how serious her feelings were. Sometimes she thought she’d already toppled in love with this man. Other times she worried that he was the first attractive man she’d met after the ice broke—after she found her son. The idea of them as a family was undeniably seductive. And, yes, that worried her, too, because it wasn’t reason enough to become involved with someone.

  “I think they’ll come to their own conclusions,” she said, avoiding a real answer.

  He watched her for a minute, almost somber, then nodded.

  They’d started to eat when he said, “Your parents don’t know how much you kept hurting, do they?”

  Unnerved by his discernment, she said, “No.”
>
  “How did you fool them?”

  “I...didn’t go home as often. When I did see them or one of us called, I talked about friends, things I was doing, how proud I was to have lost weight.”

  “Even though losing weight was never a goal.”

  “I look so different. I let them believe I was trying to take better care of myself. And I was, in a way. I made myself eat. And running was my only effective stress reducer.”

  Nolan took her hand, the tenderness in his eyes almost her undoing. “Did you have anyone you could really talk to?”

  She made herself look away. “I didn’t want anyone. I had to be strong.”

  He squeezed her hand but didn’t say anything. When she looked back at him, it was to see new creases on his forehead. They ate in silence for a few minutes, Dana wishing she knew what he was thinking.

  “I’m prone to letting things fester,” he said suddenly.

  They had that in common. “Marlee?”

  “Yeah.”

  She waited.

  “The happier I am, the guiltier I feel.”

  A gigantic knot formed in her chest. “Is that because it’s me you’re happy with?”

  He kept frowning toward the playground. “Partly. I can’t deny it. But also...the better I get to know you, the angrier I am at her. At what she did to you. Sometimes I think about what I’d say to her.” He made a raw sound. “But then I remind myself how unproductive that would have been. All she’d have done was take off. I used to worry about her when she was gone. Think about what could happen to her. Now? I don’t know if I could bring myself to care.”

  “Don’t say that,” she begged, although...who was she to talk, carrying as much hate as she did for a mentally ill woman who had killed herself rather than face what she’d done?

  She had never seen Nolan’s eyes so bleak. “It’s the truth.”

  “If she hadn’t died...everything would be different.” Despite the warmth of the day, Dana felt cold. “How could we have any kind of relationship? Or...or cooperate the way we have?”

  He released her hand, turned to straddle the bench and leaned toward her, touching his forehead to hers. “We’d have gotten here, anyway. You’re...something new in my life. I took a hit the minute I saw you.”

  “You mean that?” she whispered.

  “I do.” He kissed her gently. “If Marlee was still alive, Christian would have had more of a dilemma.”

  “He would have had to reject me,” she realized. “He couldn’t have let himself hurt her that much.”

  Nolan straightened, that bleak honesty still apparent. “For his sake, I’m glad she’s dead.”

  “Which makes you feel even guiltier.”

  He nodded. “I’m a mess.”

  “Maybe this—” she waved her hand between them “—us, isn’t such a good idea.”

  “You’re wrong.” His voice was low and passionate. “It’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”

  “Really?” How pathetic she sounded.

  “Really.” This kiss escalated until she forgot they were in public, until she gripped his shoulder with one hand while the other dug into his muscular thigh. She whimpered when he ripped his mouth from hers. “Don’t have second thoughts,” he said raggedly. “Promise?”

  Somehow, Dana nodded. She fought to hold back tears, her body ached for him, and her heart seemed to have doubled in size, a painful sensation. She felt too much, all at once. Was it ever like this, with Craig? She couldn’t remember. His betrayal wiped out everything that came before. “No second thoughts,” she managed to say.

  He just held her until the need for tears had passed.

  * * *

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

  Startled by Dana’s voice, Nolan looked up. “I thought you were helping Christian with his social studies paper.”

  She had stopped just inside the living room. “We talked it out. I think I helped him develop his idea.” Laughter lit her face. “He would have loved it if I’d agree to sit next to him supplying the words, too, but I declined.”

  Nolan smiled, even though he didn’t much feel like it. On the surface, the evening had been good. Dana and her parents had come to dinner. John and Shari had left half an hour ago, while Dana stayed at Christian’s request. Figuring they would be at it a lot longer, Nolan had decided to sort some more of his own parents’ stuff, a task he’d put off too long. It had been easy to do until he’d learned Christian wasn’t a Gregor. Now he wanted to bring his parents back, say, What were you thinking? Going through their papers was the closest he could come.

  This evening, he’d been hit by guilt and even a little anger, something that hadn’t happened in a while. There he and Christian were, happy and surrounded by Christian’s real family. Marlee had lost so much. Telling himself she deserved to lose Christian hadn’t soothed his dark mood.

  “Is something wrong?” Dana asked quietly.

  “No. Just—” What? How could he say, Christian never responded to Marlee the way he does to you? Even putting it into words would be tantamount to admitting he was bothered to see the growing closeness between her and Christian. And how irrational was it that he also wanted to see that growing closeness?

  She took a step back. “I should head home.”

  “No.” He started to stand, papers slipping from his lap. Dropping back down, he said, “Please. Come talk to me.”

  She hesitated before taking the cushion at the far end of the couch. “What is all that?”

  “Mom and Dad’s stuff. Right after they died, I didn’t have time to go through anything nonessential. I paid bills. I dumped everything else into rubber tubs and carried them to the attic.”

  Dana stared at him for a moment, then turned her head to look around as if she had never seen the living room—this house—before. Her voice sounded odd when she said, “This is your family home.”

  He leaned back, not liking her expression. “It is. It wouldn’t have made much sense to sell the house and buy another one.”

  “No.” She gave her head a small shake. “It just never crossed my mind...”

  “Why does it bother you that this was my childhood home?”

  “I don’t know.” She couldn’t quite hide that she was troubled, though she sat with her back straight and her hands folded on her lap, as if a serene pose would fool him. But then she said, “I suppose... I don’t love the idea that this house was your sister’s, too. That everything I touch, she touched. That when you and Christian watch me cooking in your kitchen, you both must see her there, too. And your mother.”

  “That’s the beauty of a family homestead.” He shrugged. “Which is overstating reality here, since my parents didn’t buy the place until Mom was pregnant with Marlee and they needed a bigger house for two kids.”

  “This is a little more complicated than the turnover of generations,” Dana snapped. He hadn’t heard that sharpness from her in a long time.

  “It is,” Nolan admitted. “I assumed you knew. And I admit it didn’t occur to me that you’d have a problem with it.”

  “I shouldn’t.” Tension shaped every line of her body.

  He didn’t know how to handle this, especially after the stress he’d felt tonight, a kind of double exposure. Marlee cleaning the kitchen with Christian. Marlee sitting at that same table with him. Dana there instead, doing everything better than his sister had.

  What came out surprised him. “I don’t love sleeping in my parents’ bedroom. When I came home for good, I got rid of their mattress, even though it was in decent shape. Even so...” He frowned at the fireplace, where his mother had always displayed framed family photos.

  “Didn’t you have your own bedroom?”

  “Huh?” He focused on Dana. “Oh. No, it became Christian’s. I didn’t mind
. When I was home on leave, I slept here.” He patted the sofa. “It pulls out.”

  “If the house is three-bedroom, you could have—”

  He started shaking his head even before she finished. “No. Marlee’s room is...”

  “Marlee’s room.”

  Was that sympathy he saw on her face? “I guess so.”

  “Have you even cleared it out?”

  He frowned. “Some. I had to step carefully getting rid of her things.”

  Dana nodded, expression now unreadable. “What’s this you’re looking through now?”

  She didn’t want to talk about Marlee. That made two of them.

  “Miscellaneous. Which is why it went into the attic. I always knew Mom kept everything. Never occurred to me I’d be the one having to go through it all.”

  “Are those love letters?”

  He glanced down to see the bundle of envelopes tied with ribbon. “Don’t know.” He picked it up. “No, Mom and her sister exchanged letters for as long as I could remember. Aunt Patricia died—” he had to think “—six or seven years ago? Something like that. She’d held on to at least some of Mom’s letters, no surprise because Mom kept Aunt Patricia’s, too. See what I mean? Never threw anything away.”

  Dana laughed. “So these are your aunt’s—”

  “Nope. They’re probably in here, too, but Patricia had a daughter. She sent these back to Mom.” He looked ruefully into the overflowing tub. Maybe he could use the same pretext to ship some of this crap to other people. Who would undoubtedly be as thrilled as he was.

  “Then you have cousins?” Dana sounded surprised.

  “Nobody on Dad’s side. Two first cousins on Mom’s, Patricia’s kids. I guess I met them once or twice when I was a kid. Haven’t seen either since. Patricia didn’t fly. My parents weren’t big on travel, either.” He looked down at the letters. “I suppose I’ll keep these in case Christian...” He didn’t finish. In case Christian wants to hear his grandmother’s voice again. Not his grandmother.

  On a surge of anger, he shook off the voice. His parents were Christian’s grandparents in every way that mattered. He wouldn’t let Dana or her ex-husband take that away from his family.