Pelham High Diaries: Eleanor

by LK Thompson

  8/9

  Jake is pressuring me to sleep with him. The funny thing is, we’ve already done it. Right away, actually. At a party, many months ago, when I didn’t care about anything but creating an escape route from my girlfriends. The fight with Harlow was raging and I couldn’t sleep at night. Anxiety had burrowed into my chest like a wheeze I couldn’t clear.

  Until I saw Jake. He was across the room from me at Taryn’s house, sitting with his arm around Wendy Kim, a Junior at the time, and his eyes set on Danica Fitzpatrick, a Freshman one year below me. Taryn and Morgan huddled beside me, ranting over a Harlow sighting from earlier in the day, and I was frantic to leave. The very sight of Harlow ruined their day and I was meant to rally along, sharing in their displeasures and the double bottle of wine Taryn held tight in her fist. But, my eyes were fixed on Jake. He was the key.

  I approached him cautiously at first because of Wendy being an upperclassman, and asked, “Hey, any idea how to work the keg? Taryn said it’s kicked, but Morgan thought it was a clogged tap. Any ideas?”

  It was a smooth line—one I’d heard someone standing next to me say and memorized. Jake looked at me, his eyes big with excitement, “Yeah, sure. Let me take a look.”

  One of Jake’s friends called out, “Yeah keg master, Jake. Fix that shit!” And Wendy stood to release Jake to me. I followed him into Taryn’s garage, and watched as he seamlessly poured me a beer, without a hiccup. “Seems fine to me.” He said, “They were probably doing it wrong.”

  I feigned my surprise, “That’s so funny! Taryn swore it was dead a second ago!”

  Lying was funny indeed.

  Jake poured himself a beer next, “Weird. Might’ve just been air in the tap. Cheers.” His arm extended to strike his red plastic cup with mine and I took the opportunity presented to me. I asked, “Wanna sit outside with me for a sec? It’s so hot in there.”

  “Uh, sure.”

  I opened the garage door and sat on the divider separating Taryn’s driveway from her lawn. The ocean thrashed in the distance and I turned to watch Jake closely. Did I want this? Was I sure? It would be easy. I’d gotten close to having sex with other boys, but something about Jake felt right. He wouldn’t make it weird. He was the one.

  After two hours of talking, three beers each, and a shared snicker over Wendy Kim’s angry exit, I took him to Taryn’s theater room—a known hookup spot at the Casey mansion—and the deed was done.

  We were exclusively dating by midnight.

  For one whole week, we were a sex crazed high school couple with nothing to do but exactly what we were doing. I failed tests, skipped plans with Taryn, ignored calls from everyone. Even after I received a text that read, What’s gotten into you! from a normally uncaring Morgan, I kept going. I’d never felt so liberated in my life!

  Then, things with Harlow grew darker and I couldn’t shake it again. My plan was no longer doing the trick. Now, instead of having a heart attack over Harlow, I was also having one over Jake. What had I gotten myself into? What if I got pregnant? I wasn’t even on the pill and we weren’t exactly being careful.

  I needed to regroup, and in doing so, pulled Jake aside. We jumped into this too fast, I declared, I understand if you wanna break up with me, but I need to slow things down between us. The news of no-more-sex to Jake was taken surprisingly well. He nodded thoughtfully and agreed, “Okay, I get it. Let’s give it a month or two and we can go out on dates and do stuff we kinda skipped over.”

  I was grateful for his response and reassured him, “It’ll happen again. Just give me time.”

  But two months turned into six, and Jake has turned into a puppy dog, begging, “Please Elle. We’re gonna be Juniors. My brother said this isn’t normal.”

  “With all due respect, Jake, your brother isn’t normal. And has never kept a girlfriend for longer than a week.”

  Jake chuckled, “I guess that’s all he needs.”

  I threw my pillow at his face. “Ew. I really doubt Bryan is some college playboy. He’s just jealous and trying to make you feel bad. Why else would he come home from school like every weekend? You wanna talk about normal? That’s not normal.”

  Jake’s sprawled across my bed and I’m next to him. He smells like sunscreen and cologne and I decided to kiss him. If he told me right now, that he’d break up with me, I’d go through with it in two minutes. But, he kissed me back and then pulled away to smile. No ultimatums. No disappointment hedging his words. He simply says, “Okay, just tell me when. You are the queen of this castle.”

  “Soon, I promise. I got the prescription for going on the pill and just have to fill it. Wanna go for a swim?”

  Two minutes later, we were cannonballing into my pool, screaming with laughter and filled with energy. Jake’s hands wrap around my waist as I jump from the patio into the cool body of water. I jump off the diving board as he side-flipped simultaneously, water rippling in every direction. At the sound of the commotion, Everly ran outside to join us, lugging three towels and an unopened bags of pita chips. Her eyes glistened and she laughed at our antics. Why wouldn’t she?

  We’re the happiest couple in the world.

  8/10

  Dad waltzed into the kitchen with another bouquet for mom. Peonies. Always peonies. Is it just me or is his infatuation with local strip clubs becoming a problem? I mean, most men probably don’t wait in line for “legs and eggs” on Sunday's rather than spending time with their family. Of course I don’t know this for sure. Call it a hunch.

  “Chivalry is alive and well!” He announced to Taryn and I as Mom beamed over each individual puffy pastel petal.

  And yet, that’s just him. A good dad who never misses Everly’s dance recitals or an opportunity to lug his giant ancient hand held camera to the homecoming game. Before the school dance last year, Dad yelled at the girls and I to pose in our dresses as if we were football players on the field. Nobody would argue that he isn’t an active dad.

  As far as husbands go, he’s decent enough with a reliable routine and no tricks up his sleeve. His friends haven’t changed in thirty years and neither has his penchant for drinking exactly twenty four Bud Lights every weekend. He’s the guy who gathers his Pelham High football teammates together on Thanksgiving for “a friendly game of pigskin” and then hacks up a lung before the first touchdown is scored. A simple man derived from a simple equation. It would make most girls sick to see their dad this way, but not me.

  Dad’s presence is comforting. Nothing too complex to figure out. No hidden secrets, begging to surface. He’s just a guy who enjoys life’s simple pleasures.

  8/18

  After beach hang at my place tomorrow? Parents will be at my aunts for some weird luau and they leave at 2pm. They just told me.

  I know what Jake’s insinuating. Summer’s ending and it’s not lost on me how patient he’s been. I suppose most boys in his shoes would have freaked out by now. Or cheated.

  Still, it’s a big decision. One that requires a big bowl of sorbet and some mindless scrolling through Babble on my phone to sort out. Babble is the worst of everyone. Mean comments, back handed compliments, poking, prodding, jealous reactions piled to the sky. It’s a packed room at a masquerade ball—everyone pretending to be someone they aren’t. When you’re in a good mental space, Babble can be a fun gossip tell-all, but right now, I don’t need it for that. I need it to push me on the scale—one way or the other. Do I need to secure Jake as my boyfriend for Junior year? It would be a safe and easy decision since I’m already on this path. Jake’s gorgeous and he adores me. Why wouldn’t I just do it. Are there any excuses left in my arsenal of tricks? I dig deep and come up empty handed.

  My sorbet is nothing but a pink raspberry stained drip on the bottom of my bowl when I text Jake back, The whole house to ourselves? Let me check with my Mom, but I don’t think I have to watch Ev.

  It’s not the confirmation he wished for, but in my head I know my next move. He’s right. It’s time.

  8/19
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  The first day of school looms like a weekend sale at Macy’s. Doors will be open promptly at 7am! Wear your most comfy, yet stylish shoes! Be the first to snag a pink ruffled jumper or limited edition Gucci leopard jeggings!

  Emails pour into our parent’s inboxes with teacher assignments and updated schedules. Online groups stir after months of inactivity. With each hint of life, I cling to Jake more and more. It’s needy, but I’m scared. High school can be a dangerous place without additional security.

  “What happens if my friends go ape-shit again?” I asked Jake, his razor in my hand as I stared at his neckline and negotiate my next move. We were in Jake’s bathroom and I was shaving the back of his neck. It was a job I’d assumed at the beginning of the summer, yet hadn’t expanded my abilities much.

  “You mean, like the fight with Harlow last year?” He asked, “That was a low blow. Even for Taryn.”

  I cringed, knowing full well what an active participant I’d been. “Don’t remind me. But, yeah.”

  “So, ditch those bitches. Hang out with me, Tony, Devin and Blake. We don’t have drama like you four. That’s for freakin’ sure.”

  I pretended to mull it over, but it’s laughable. “Uh, I don’t think that’s gonna work for me long term, but thanks. It’s sweet of you to offer.” I said.

  “Okay, fine. But if I were you, I’d at least ditch Morgan. She’s like hanging out with a corpse.”

  I punched his arm. Hard. “Ow!” He yelled.

  “Jake! You can not call my best friend a corpse! Morgan’s cool! And like three times smarter than the both of us combined.”

  “Whatever. Everyone talks about her grades, but I get the heebie jeebies when she looks at me. Her eyes are dead. Like marbles. It’s weird!” Jake shivered to accentuate his point.

  “Don’t move!” I shouted, and clamped my hands on his shoulders. “I’d like to get out of this bathroom today, please.” We had a date with the beach. I was gonna lay out while he practiced boarding. A summer ritual at this point and one I’m going to miss wholeheartedly. Then, his parents were leaving for their luau, leaving the house to us.

  Jake and I walked together, our hands clasped tight—one united force against the world. He discussed his plans to get into college on a football scholarship and which school’s he’ll be visiting this year. Guess he’ll figure out the grade thing when he gets there.

  I let him ramble because my mind was distant. Back on my planet, digesting his words from earlier. He thought Morgan was a corpse. A dead person. In my eyes, Morgan is beautiful and loyal with gray eyes that I’ve been jealous of since the day I met her. I interrupted him, “What are my eyes like?”

  “Huh?” Jake stopped short, unable to process my question while also walking.

  “You said Morgan’s eyes were dead before. What are mine like?”

  “You’re the hottest girl in our school, Elle—your eyes are hot. Everything about you is hot. Which is why it’s getting so hard to keep waiting. You do realize we’ve been together for six months, right?”

  My phone buzzed with a text from Taryn, momentarily capturing my attention. Ignoring Jake, I looked down to read it.

  Hey bitches—pizza and pool action NOW. Come over.

  I should have run.

  To my friends, not from them.

  Away from Jake’s nagging pressure and to safety. I should have explained to Jake that I just wasn’t ready yet. But he was my safe space, not them. And reading that text made me sure I had to maintain it.

  Was I nervous? Yes and no. There’s a calmness that comes with knowing. No more guessing. It was good as done.

  8/20

  Nobody knows.

  It’s over now, so there’s no use dwelling on it. But, I keep asking myself, what was I waiting for anyway? I can’t figure it out. I love Jake, but I can’t say it was anything special. In fact, if anything—it was so not special that I feel like it made me love him less and I can’t figure out why.

  He certainly feels otherwise.

  “Holy shit. I love you Elle. You know that right?” His eyes were wide with excitement and adoration. He must’ve said it a hundred times.

  “Wanna grab slushie? Or hit up the beach? C’mon, let’s see who’s hangin’ on the boardwalk.” His mind was racing to please me, but I fell silent and reached for my purse. I retrieved tub of lip balm and stood to approach his mirror. Looking at my reflection, I dabbed some Burt’s Bees mint on my lips and explained, “Sorry. I’ve gotta get to Taryn’s.” Then, I squinted my eyes in an over enthusiastic smile, “But thanks!”

  Jake was visibly bummed as I made my way out the door without bothering to kiss him. He called after me, “Okay! Go hang with the girls, but let’s hang after! I’ll text you!”

  I flew to Taryn’s at top speed, pedaling like a machine. I was probably a block away when I skid into the curb and had to catch myself from flipping over my handlebars. A tear fell from my face and I shook my head to regain composure. What was wrong with me?! I was upset, but couldn’t pinpoint why. I’d made good on a promise and impressed Jake. I wanted him to be happy. So, why was I feeling so confused? Why was I on the verge of tears?

  When I got to Taryn’s, my head was clouded. This was the exact place I’d been trying to avoid by sleeping with Jake. How did I end up back here?

  I leaned my bike against her garage and heard Taryn call out, “Elle! Catch!” She threw a magazine in my general direction and I kicked off my flip-flips before kneeling to pick it up off the ground and walk to my lounger.

  “Thanks,” I called, spreading out a towel, and removing my cut offs and tank top for optimal tanning exposure before laying flat, my magazine propped two inches from my face. I was scared of looking blotchy, but nobody noticed.

  The girls giggled and cooed over current Babble gossip—a constant humming in the background. They were lighthearted and fluffy. The way that I love them the most.

  “Were you at Jake’s before this, Elle?” Taryn called over at me.

  I cleared my throat. “Yeah, came straight here.”

  “Wow, I’m surprised we were able to tear you away from him! Do his parents let you hang out in his room alone?” Taryn rolled onto her belly and squinted to see me under the sun’s glare.

  I tried to invoke a calmness warranted for this situation and push out the shakes I felt quaking in my chest, “Yeah, they’re pretty relaxed about it. Door just has to be open.”

  “As if an open door prevents anything! Sounds like a recipe for fun.” Taryn rested her head on her arms and closed her eyes. I was off the hook. No more questions. The tightness in my throat loosened.

  I remained aloof offering distant laughter to their antics, every minute an attempt to piece myself together into the girl I’d been this morning. Slowly, I was able to get there because the girls allowed it—a quiet, relaxing day under the sun.

  Jake’s Jeep honked from the road after we’d polished off three giant bags of chips from the bottomless Casey snack pantry, and all the girls ran to the fence to catch a glimpse of four tanned bodies honking and waving to us. Jake, Devin, Tony, and Blake were making a scene. My arms flailed above my head, and I motioned to blow Jake a kiss. It was an act—one I know too well.

  Something about the distance between us made me feel a bit more normal though. From behind Taryn’s fence, Jake was just the boy I liked who liked me back. Tall and charismatic with big muscles and flawless hair.

  My perfect boyfriend.

  8/23

  I woke up feeling it again. The annoyance ebbing away at my voice. I decided not to answer any of Jake’s calls until I could get it under control. Unfortunately, texts weren’t much better.

  You know I love you, right?

  I love you too. My answer was flat but I couldn’t help it.

  Come over.

  Sorry, can’t. I’ve gotta watch Everly.

  Does this have anything to do with yesterday at the mall? Because if it does, just tell me so I can set the record straight. No
games. Plus, those freshman girls are legit insane. Super immature. I was walking out of the food court and they practically tackled me.

  I literally have no clue what you’re talking about.

  Okay, cool. I’ll stop by later.

  Great.

  I knew he would too. Us having sex has turned Jake into a hyper maniac that I’m fending off tirelessly. Maybe I knew this would be the outcome and that’s why I waited. I just can’t help but hope things will get better.

  8/24

  Remember when Jake told me he loved me?

  Well, he’s a pathological liar! He cheated on me! And I can’t make sense of it whatsoever because we were together forty minutes before it happened.

  “I love you so much, babe,” he said, practically drooling on my shirt, his hands gripping my ass before tearing down my driveway on his bike, heading to Tony’s house for a swim. I sighed, happy to be rid of him momentarily and have some time to myself.

  I tossed my phone on the kitchen counter and walked straight to Everly’s bedroom, pushing the door open to find her sitting on her bean bag chair in the corner, a book in her hands. Her hair was frizzy and wild so I picked up a brush and sat beside her. “Let me do your hair,” I propositioned.

  Ev looked up at me and frowned, “No thanks.”

  I sighed, expecting she’d resist. “Why? You don’t even brush it.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “I mean, you don’t. Just let me try something—one fishtail braid. I’ll be gentle, unlike Mom.”

  She sighed dramatically, “No way. When I’m not dancing, I’m not doing my hair. I’ve already decided.”

  “Everly Marie Moser. You cannot just decide that! If you want long hair, you have to take care of it. Or at the very least brush it. You look like you’ve been electrocuted. More than once! There are a million ways to rebel against Mom and wearing your hair in a nest isn’t one of them.”