Accidental Love

by Max Hudson

  Derek chewed on his lower lip. When Luca stared at him, he saw tears welling up in his eyes. “Luca, when you called me, I realized just how much of a dick I had been.”

  Luca still didn’t say anything. He continued watching Derek, waiting for him to say something that would make this all okay.

  “I tried to get you back for so long because you were the best thing that has happened in my entire life,” Derek said. “Being without you made me realize how true that is.”

  Luca wiped his mouth with a napkin, though it was clean. He just didn’t want to talk. He was trying to stop himself from yelling at Derek. He couldn’t believe that after all this time, Derek had thought that it was a good idea to take him out and tell him what had happened himself. Luca couldn’t help but admire him a little for that. That was the kind of ballsy move that Luca wouldn’t have been able to do for himself, ever.

  He thought that he was supposed to appreciate that Derek had come out and explained things to him more than he had, but all that he could think of was how he had felt when he had walked in. The nausea still felt as if it had just happened and he couldn’t help but feel like Derek was trying to weasel out of the responsibility of what he had done.

  “Listen,” Derek said. “I know that I have no right to ask you this after everything that happened, but I want you to know that I miss you every day.”

  Luca shook his head, his mouth dry. “Derek, no.”

  “I mean it,” Derek said. “I think about you a lot. About how good we were together. And you have to admit that we were good together, don’t you? We were incredible together.”

  Luca sat back, his arms folded over his chest. He was dizzy, and he was sure, for the first time since the accident, that it wasn’t from the pain.

  “Think about it, Luca,” Derek said. He looked at Luca with inquisitive eyes, so Luca didn’t have any choice but to nod.

  He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to answer to that, if there was anything that he could answer to that.

  Derek sighed when he saw the hesitancy in Luca’s eyes.

  “Really think about it, Luca, please?” Derek asked. An edge had crept into his voice, and for the first time since Luca had met him, Derek sounded like he was pleading. It made Luca a little bit uncomfortable. Was this what Derek sounded like when he was sincere? Maybe it was an all act, but it didn’t feel like it. “Please.”

  “I… I’ll try,” Luca replied.

  “For what it’s worth, Luca, I really took a look at my priorities when you called,” he said. “I want us to be together. I know that I have a lot to make up to you. I know that I wasn't the greatest boyfriend, but I've changed. If I hadn't changed, do you think I'd be here, right now, talking to you about this?”

  “I don’t know,” Luca said, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I think.”

  “Consider it, okay?”

  Luca watched him. He didn’t even want to nod, because he didn’t want Derek to think that he was, in fact, considering it. If anything, he wanted Derek to stop talking to him for good. He didn’t want to be there; he wanted to be home. He wanted to be back at his apartment. He wanted to go back to the night before, the night that he had spent with Brooklyn.

  As far as he was concerned, that was a much better idea than being where he was right then. “Take me home.”

  “What?”

  “Take me home,” Luca quietly replied.

  Derek sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Will you think about it?”

  “Sure,” Luca said, shrugging his shoulders. “I guess I’ll think about it.”

  He looked straight at Derek and wondered if Derek could tell that he was lying.

  Chapter Nine

  It was weird for Luca to think that his day had been so long. It was weird to think about where his day had ended, too. He was on his sofa, with a blanket kicked around his feet, sitting up slightly and trying to control his breathing. Everything that had happened had felt so weird. He kept running it through his head, but it didn’t make him feel any better. The longer he ran through the day in his head, the worse he felt.

  There were so many things about his day that seemed wrong on reflection. There were so many things that Luca wished that he could go back and change.

  He was upset, very upset. Part of him was upset with Derek, because he couldn’t believe that Derek had taken him for a meal just to remind him of how awful he had been, but mostly he was upset with himself. The fact that he had ended up all alone in his apartment, feeling miserable, and he knew that it was all his own doing.

  He couldn't believe that he'd forgotten everything that Derek had done. His brain had literally erased every memory of Las Vegas until Derek was in front of him, reminding him just how terrible he had been as a boyfriend.

  Luca couldn't believe that he had traded Brooklyn’s attention for Derek's. After all, Brooklyn was nice and sweet, and he seemed like a pretty great romantic prospect. The worst part was that Luca really liked him, but he was pretty sure that he had already fucked everything up with him. All that he had wanted was the opportunity to have something with him, but that had quickly stopped being feasible when Luca had been a dick to him.

  Why should Brooklyn give him a chance when it was clear to both of them that Luca was a prideful dickhead? Brooklyn said that he should call when he was ready for something and that he understood, but after he had been so nice to Luca, Luca hardly felt like he deserved it.

  Luca wanted to show Brooklyn that he was ready, that this was what he wanted, that he really needed to take him out on a date and prove to him that he wasn’t a dick. He wanted to show his worth.

  He wasn’t terrible. He could be nice. Maybe, if Brooklyn gave him the opportunity to be, but Luca also wasn’t an idiot and he was in a self-reflective mood. If anything, his little outing with Derek have proven that he wasn't ready for anything else yet.

  He felt sick to his stomach, and the weirdest part of it all was that his stomach actually hurt.

  He hadn’t ever felt sick like that, and after the pain didn’t seem to fade even though he wasn’t as upset anymore, after it didn't seem like it was almost completely tied up to his emotions, he lifted up his shirt and was surprised to find a sizable bruise on his stomach.

  That had to have been from when he had fallen. He could vaguely remember it—with everything else that had happened during the day, the time when he had been picked up seemed hard to recall.

  He didn’t know if that was because he was emotional or if it was because the hit had been bad, and he didn’t like it. He sighed, took his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down until he saw his best friend’s name. He didn’t want to call his sister because he knew that she would instantly run to their parents and they would start worrying.

  The last thing he wanted to do was worry his family. He pressed down on Beth’s name for so long that his phone asked if he wanted to delete the contact. Sighing, he removed his finger and pressed down on her name again, this time not waiting any time at all.

  Beth answered on the first ring. “Hello?”

  “Hey,” Luca said. He was trying to be strong, but his voice was breaking. “Beth, I really hate to bother you, but is it possible that you could come over for a bit? I don't think I should be alone. I had a really rough day, and it's just now starting to sink in. Please, I would really like someone to be here, and I don't want to call my sister because she's going to tell my parents and...”

  “Okay, slow down, Luca,” she said. “Are you okay?”

  He nodded and sniffled. “I’m okay,” he said. “I mean, I’m going to be okay.”

  “Did you get hurt again? Do you have to go to the hospital?”

  Luca was quite aware that she couldn’t see him, but that didn’t stop him from shaking his head again. “No,” he replied. “No, I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t think so?”

  “I fell,” he replied. “But I’m fine. It was hours ago, and I could get up. Seriously.”
>
  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely positive,” he said. “It’s just been a hard day, you know, emotionally.”

  There was a silence on the line for a second as she considered what he was saying. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. It was clear to him that she was very concerned, and he felt a little bad that he had called her in the first place. “What happened?”

  “I don’t know if I want to talk about it,” he said, closing his eyes. “I just—I can’t be alone.”

  “Okay,” she said. “Okay. I’m on my way.”

  “Wait, Beth,” he replied, before he could hang up. “I don’t know how long I’ll be like this. I might… I might need to go back to my parents for a bit and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

  “Okay,” she replied. “Well, lucky for you, Jorge is on a business trip all week and I’m dying of boredom. So how about I go stay over at your place for the week, since it’s on the bottom floor?”

  “Will he be okay with that?”

  “Are you joking? He was so worried about you, he asked me if he should cancel.”

  Luca smiled. “He’s great.”

  “I know,” she said. He could hear the smile in her voice. He was normally not jealous when she talked about Jorge—if anyone deserved to be happy, as far as Luca was concerned, it was his friend Beth—but with the way that the day had gone. he couldn’t help but feel a little envy this time.

  “Will he come visit when he gets back?”

  “Of course,” she replied. “You know that I got one of the good ones. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  “Okay. And Beth?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  ***

  It didn’t take long for Beth to arrive, but by the time she had, Luca was an absolute mess. Beth had a key to his apartment, and it was supposed to be the kind of thing that she only used in an emergency. Luca didn’t know if this constituted as one, but it definitely felt like it. Luca felt paralyzed. Part of him felt like he couldn’t move, full stop, and he was glad when he heard the door lock click when she opened it.

  She had arrived with several bags of shopping along with a suitcase full of her stuff, and despite the fact that he didn’t feel like smiling at all, he couldn’t help but smile at that. She was always so thoughtful. He was almost completely sure that she had brought his favorite ice cream.

  She practically ran toward him when she saw him on the sofa.

  “Jesus,” she said. “You look like absolute shit.”

  He smiled at her. “You don’t look that much better.”

  “What can I say? I’m worried about you,” she replied. She walked around so that she was standing in front of the sofa and sat down, putting the grocery bags on the coffee table in front of them. Luca noted, with barely passing interest, that he needed to clear the table.

  It was still a mess from the morning. He just hadn’t had any energy to clean it. He would have to do it later. He opened his mouth to apologize but she waved him away, as if she knew exactly what it was that he was going to say.

  “Please,” she said. “I kind of just arrived at your house as if it were nothing. You don’t have to clean on my account.”

  “Have I ever told you that you’re my favorite friend, I don’t know, ever?”

  “Not lately, but honestly, I take it for granted at this point,” Beth replied, opening up one of the bags. She grabbed two pints of two different ice cream flavors and put them on the table. “Okay. What are you in the mood for? Vanilla with chocolate swirl and caramel fudge bites or cookies and cream with brownie bits?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I normally wouldn’t say this but I feel like my mood calls for both.”

  “Color me not at all surprised,” she said. “Which is the reason I brought them both in the first place.”

  He laughed, shaking his head, “You never have dessert two nights in a row.”

  “My best friend has never gotten into a serious accident before, so I’m still adjusting to how I should act.”

  “So far so good,” he replied with a smile. He watched her as she stood up and walked over to the kitchen, where she grabbed two little spoons. He couldn’t help but smile when she did so. Brooklyn had, of course, been right. The moment that he wasn’t alone things seemed to have become easier. It was maybe just that he was happy to see a face that he knew was friendly, but he was happy and he didn’t want to spend any time questioning it.

  It was happening and that was good enough for him. She sat down next to him, handed him a spoon, and looked down at his stomach. He had forgotten to grab his shirt again and he hadn’t put it quite right, so half his stomach was still visible. Her eyes widened when she saw the bruise.

  “Jesus Christ, honey. Is that how bad it all is?”

  “No,” he replied. “This isn’t from the accident.”

  She furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, it isn’t from the accident,” he said, sighing. “Not… directly. I fell, and it hurt, and I couldn’t get up. That was when Derek arrived to pick me up for dinner.”

  “Wait,” she said. “Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Derek arrived to pick you up for dinner? The Derek? The Las Vegas Derek?”

  Luca nodded. “He said he wanted to explain it all to me, because he said that if you told me about it, I wouldn't understand. He wanted me to really get why he did what he did.”

  “He wanted you to get it?”

  “Yes,” Luca replied, nodding. “But you know, if it’s any consolation, I didn't get it. I just wanted him to take me home.”

  “But you remember what he did now.”

  Luca nodded again. “I do, and I almost wish that I didn’t.”

  “I wonder why he wanted to tell you.”

  “He wanted to get back together.”

  Her eyes widened. She was in the middle of taking the lid off the vanilla ice cream and her hands stopped. “You’re fucking with me,” she said, her body completely still other than her mouth and her huge wide eyes. “He asked you to get back together?”

  “He said that he now realized that us breaking up was the biggest mistake of his life.”

  She rolled her eyes as her body seemed to come back to life. “He’s such an asshole. You deserve so much better.”

  Luca licked his lips and stared at her. “Do you really believe that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Not just because you’re my friend,” he said. “But do you truly, honestly believe that?”

  “Of course I honestly believe that,” she replied. “You know I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

  “I’m just… fuck, I don’t know, honestly,” he said.

  “That I would be telling the truth or that you do deserve someone better?”

  “I don’t know,” Luca said shrugging. “Either? Both?”

  She raised her eyebrows, saying nothing and passing him the ice cream. Luca readjusted his shirt so that his bruise wasn’t showing anymore, in part because he simply didn’t want to think about it any longer. It just went to show how prideful he had been, and he was already angry at himself enough when he thought about that. He didn’t need Beth to get angry too, and he knew that she would.

  “Beth, I don’t know,” he said. “I just, I feel like such an idiot for going out with him. I should have known better. I really should have.”

  She handed him the spoon and the pint of ice cream and nodded. “Well, it wasn’t as if you could remember,” she reminded him as he went to work on the ice cream. “You could only remember after he told you, which really isn't fair.”

  He sighed and rubbed his temple. “Do you think he was trying to manipulate me?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, dude,” she said quickly. “Of course I do.”

  “And like an idiot, I fell for it.”

  “You wanted to know the truth, Luca,” she replied. “That’s hardly a crime.”

  “It feels like a crime,” he said
. “But the weird part is, it feels like a crime against me. How does that even make any sense?”

  Beth sighed. “I don’t know,” she replied. “Hearts are complicated and whatever is going on with you, you’re definitely more vulnerable than you would normally be.”

  “I guess,” he replied, shrugging. “I mean, that’s what Brooklyn told me. He told me I shouldn’t be alone.”

  She cocked her head when she mentioned Brooklyn’s name. “You hung out with him after I left?”

  “I did,” she replied. “He, uh… you know.”

  “He what?”

  “Brooklyn stayed the night.”

  There was silence for a second. “He did?”

  Luca threw his head back and laughed. “Not like that.”

  “That’s a shame.”

  Luca shook his head. “He told me to call him when I was ready,” he said. “But I let my pride get the best of me.”

  She didn’t say anything and Luca sighed.

  “It’s okay,” he said. “We both know that it’s a problem.”

  She nodded. “It’s not great.”

  “I’m not ready,” he said, closing his eyes. Once again, he felt tears streaming down his face. “And honestly, I feel like such an asshole about it.”

  “Because you want to be ready?”

  “I guess I just want him to think that I deserve him.”

  “Do you think that you deserve him?”

  “Yeah,” he replied. “I mean, if you had asked me before the accident, I would have said yes.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “I would have,” he replied, a little angrily. It wasn’t as if she didn’t believe him, because she was nodding along. But he didn’t believe it himself anymore, and that upset him. “Because I'm relatively successful. I'm smart. I have a good job. I’m not ugly.”

  “You’re not,” she said. “You wouldn’t have your job if you were.”