He chuckles and sits.
You ever met her, Seeley?
SEELEY Who?
KEDGE His … mother.
SEELEY Yes.
KEDGE What’s she like?
SEELEY (shortly) She’s all right.
KEDGE All right, is she?
SEELEY I told you. I just said she was all right.
Pause.
KEDGE No, what I mean is, he always gets a bit niggly when she’s mentioned, doesn’t he? A bit touchy. You noticed that?
SEELEY (unwillingly) Yes.
KEDGE Why’s that, then?
SEELEY I don’t know. What’re you asking me for?
KEDGE I don’t know. I just thought you might … sort of … well, I mean, you know him better than I do, don’t you?
Pause.
Of course, he don’t let much slip, does he, old Albert?
SEELEY No, not much.
KEDGE He’s a bit deep really, isn’t he?
SEELEY Yes, he’s a bit deep.
Pause.
KEDGE Secretive.
SEELEY (irritably) What do you mean, secretive? What are you talking about?
KEDGE I was just saying he was secretive.
SEELEY What are you talking about? What do you mean, he’s secretive?
KEDGE You said yourself he was deep.
SEELEY I said he was deep. I didn’t say he was secretive!
ALBERT walks through the railway arch across to the bench.
KEDGE Hullo, Albert.
ALBERT Hullo.
KEDGE That’s a nice bit of clobber you’ve got on there.
SEELEY Very fair, very fair.
KEDGE Yes, fits you like a glove.
SEELEY Well, come on, catch a thirty-six round the corner.
ALBERT Wait a minute, I … I don’t think I feel like going, actually.
KEDGE What are you talking about?
ALBERT I don’t feel like it, that’s all.
SEELEY What, with all that drink laid on?
ALBERT No, I’ve just got a bit of a headache.
OLD MAN That’s the bloke! That’s the bloke was here before, isn’t it, Fred? I gave them your message, son.
ALBERT Oh … thanks.
OLD MAN Didn’t I?
KEDGE You did, you did, mate.
SEELEY Well, what’s going on, you coming or what?
ALBERT (touching his forehead) No, I feel a bit … you know …
KEDGE Don’t you know who’ll be there tonight, Albert?
ALBERT Who?
KEDGE Joyce.
ALBERT Joyce? Well, what about it?
KEDGE And Eileen.
ALBERT Well, so what?
KEDGE And Betty. Betty’ll be there. They’ll all be there.
SEELEY Betty? Who’s Betty?
KEDGE Betty? What do you mean? You don’t know Betty?
SEELEY There’s no girl in the office called Betty.
KEDGE Betty! The dark bit! The new one. The one that came in last week. The litde one, in the corner!
SEELEY Oh, her. Is her name Betty? I thought it was –
KEDGE Betty. Her name’s Betty.
SEELEY I’ve been calling her Hetty.
Pause.
KEDGE Anywhat, she’ll be there. She’s raring to go, that one.
ALBERT Well, you go then, I’ll …
KEDGE Albert, what’s the matter with you, mate? It’s wine, women and song tonight.
ALBERT I see them every day, don’t I? What’s new in that?
KEDGE You frightened Gidney’ll be after you, then, because of the game?
ALBERT What do you mean?
KEDGE Go on, everyone has a bad game, Albert.
ALBERT Yes, they do, don’t they?
KEDGE I played against Connor myself once. He’s tricky. He’s a very tricky ballplayer.
ALBERT Yes.
SEELEY Clever player, Connor.
ALBERT What’s Gidney got to do with it, Kedge?
KEDGE Well, you know what he is.
ALBERT What?
KEDGE Well, he’s captain of the team, isn’t he, for a bang-off?
ALBERT You think –?
SEELEY Oh, scrub round it, will you? It’s late –
ALBERT You think I’m frightened of Gidney?
KEDGE I didn’t say you were –
SEELEY Gidney’s all right. What’s the matter with Gidney?
ALBERT Yes. What’s wrong with him?
KEDGE Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a nice bloke. He’s a charmer, isn’t he?
SEELEY The cream of the cream. Well, come on, you coming or what?
ALBERT Yes, all right. I’ll come.
SEELEY Just a minute. I’ll get some fags.
He goes to the counter, ALBERT and KEDGE are left standing.
(To the BARMAN.) Twenty ‘Weights’, mate.
KEDGE regards ALBERT.
KEDGE How’s your mum, Albert?
ALBERT All right.
KEDGE That’s the idea.
BARMAN Only got ‘Woods’.
SEELEY They’ll do.
ALBERT (quietly) What do you mean, how’s my Mum?
KEDGE I just asked how she was, that’s all.
ALBERT Why shouldn’t she be all right?
KEDGE I didn’t say she wasn’t.
ALBERT Well, she is.
KEDGE Well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?
ALBERT What are you getting at?
KEDGE I don’t know what’s the matter with you tonight, Albert.
SEELEY (returning) What’s up now?
ALBERT Kedge here, suddenly asks how my mother is.
KEDGE Just a friendly question, that’s all. Gaw! You can’t even ask a bloke how his MOTHER is now without him getting niggly!
ALBERT Well, why’s he suddenly ask –?
SEELEY He was just asking a friendly question, mate. What’s the matter with you?
Pause.
ALBERT Oh.
SEELEY Well, how is she, then?
ALBERT She’s fine. What about yours?
SEELEY Fine. Fine.
Pause.
KEDGE Mine’s fine too, you know. Great. Absolutely great. A marvel for her age, my mother is. Of course, she had me very late.
Pause.
SEELEY Well? Are you coming or not? Or what?
KEDGE I’m coming.
ALBERT (following) I’m coming.
SCENE FIVE
The kitchen. The MOTHER is putting ALBERT’s dinner into the oven. She takes the alarm clock from the mantelpiece and puts it on the table. She takes out a pack of cards, sits at the table and begins to lay out a game of patience. Close up of her, broodingly setting out the cards. Close up of the clock. It is seven forty-five.
Act Two
SCENE ONE
The lounge of MR KING’s house. The party is in progress. KEDGE and BETTY are dancing. Music comes from a radiogram. MR KING, an urbane man in his fifties, GIDNEY, the chief accountant, in his late twenties, SEELEY and ALBERT, are standing in a group. JOYCE and EILEEN are at the table which serves as a bar. Two men and a woman of indeterminate age sit holding drinks. HORNE and BARROW, two young clerks, stand by the door. MR RYAN, the old man, sits in the centre of the room, smiling.
JOYCE You enjoying the party, Mr Ryan?
RYAN nods and smiles.
EILEEN (pleasantly) Enjoying the party, are you?
He nods, winks and smiles.
KING I recommend a bicycle, honestly. It really keeps you up to the mark. Out in the morning, on the bike, through the town … the air in your lungs, muscles working … you arrive at work … you arrive at work fresh … you know what I mean? Uplifted.
GIDNEY Not so good in the rain.
KING Refreshes you! Clears the cobwebs. (He laughs.)
SEELEY You don’t walk to work, do you, Gidney?
GIDNEY Me? I’ve got the car.
KING I drive too, of course, but I often think seriously of taking up cycling again. I often think very s
eriously about it, you know.
JOYCE (to RYAN) Nice party, isn’t it, Mr Ryan?
RYAN nods and inclines his head, smiling.
KEDGE (dancing) You dance like a dream, Betty, you know that?
BETTY (shyly) I don’t.
KEDGE You do. Honest. Like a dream. Like a dream come true.
BETTY You’re just saying that.
KING Well, Kedge looks all right again, doesn’t he? What was the matter with him? I’ve forgotten.
SEELEY Stomach trouble.
KING Not enough exercise. (To KEDGE.) You’ll have to see you get more exercise, Kedge!
KEDGE (passing) You never said a truer word, Mr King.
SEELEY Well, he don’t look in bad trim to me, Mr King.
They laugh.
KING I must admit it.
GIDNEY He’ll never get to the last lap with that one, I can tell you.
KING (smiling) Now, now, you young men, that’s quite enough of that. No more of that.
GIDNEY (pleasantly) What are you laughing at, Stokes?
ALBERT What?
GIDNEY Sorry. I thought you were laughing.
ALBERT I was laughing. You made a joke.
GIDNEY Oh yes, of course. Sorry.
Pause.
Well, we’ve got Kedge back at left back next Saturday.
KING Yes. Excuse me.
SEELEY That’s a lovely pair of shoes you’re wearing, Gidney.
GIDNEY Do you think so?
SEELEY Oh, they’re the best, the very best, aren’t they, Albert? Gidney always wears a nice pair of shoes, doesn’t he, you noticed that? That’s one thing I’ll say about you, Gidney – you carry your feet well.
EILEEN A mambo! Who’s going to dance?
SEELEY I’ll give it a trot.
SEELEY and EILEEN dance.
GIDNEY Don’t you dance, Stokes?
ALBERT Yes, sometimes.
GIDNEY Do you? You will excuse me, won’t you?
ALBERT Yes.
ALBERT is left standing.
KING Well, Ryan, enjoying the party?
RYAN nods, smiles.
Nice to see a lot of young people enjoying themselves, eh?
RYAN nods, smiles.
Of course, it’s all in your honour, old man. Let’s fill you up. I’ll be the oldest man in the office after you’ve gone.
GIDNEY and JOYCE, whispering.
JOYCE No. Why should I?
GIDNEY Go on. Just for a lark.
JOYCE What for?
GIDNEY For a lark. Just for a lark.
JOYCE You’ve got an evil mind, you have.
GIDNEY No, it’ll amuse me, that’s all. I feel like being amused.
JOYCE Well, I’m not going to.
GIDNEY Gah, you wouldn’t know how to, anyway.
JOYCE Oh, wouldn’t I?
GIDNEY (taking her arm) Get hold of Eileen, don’t tell her I told you though, and go over and lead him a dance, just lead him a dance, that’s all, see what he does. I want to see his reaction, that’s all, I just want to see how he takes it.
JOYCE What, in front of everyone else, in front of –?
GIDNEY Just talk to him, talk to him. I don’t mean anything else, do I?
JOYCE What do I get if I do?
GIDNEY A toffee apple.
JOYCE Oh, really? Thank you.
GIDNEY I’ll take you for a ride in the car. Honest.
SEELEY (dancing) Hullo, Mr Ryan. Enjoying the party?
EILEEN You dance well, don’t you?
SEELEY I was going in for ballet once.
EILEEN Go on!
SEELEY Yes, true. They offered me the leading part in Rigoletto. When I was a boy soprano.
EILEEN You’re making it up.
GIDNEY (to JOYCE) No, he just irritates me, that bloke. I … I haven’t got any time for a bloke like that.
JOYCE He’s just quiet, that’s all.
GIDNEY Well, see if you can wake him up.
KING (to BETTY) Well, Miss Todd, it hasn’t taken you long to get to know everyone, has it?
BETTY Oh no, Mr King.
KEDGE I’ve taken her under my wing, Mr King.
KING So I noticed.
KEDGE Yes, I’ve been teaching her all about mortality tables. I told her in case of fire or burglary commission and damages come to her.
KING I would hardly take Kedge’s word as gospel, Miss Todd.
KEDGE You know I’ve got the best interests of the firm at heart, Mr King.
GIDNEY (drinking, with JOYCE) Anyway, I’m thinking of moving on. You stay too long in a place you go daft. After all, with my qualifications I could go anywhere.
He sees ALBERT at the bar.
Couldn’t I, Stokes?
ALBERT What?
GIDNEY I was saying, with my qualifications I could go anywhere. I could go anywhere and be anything.
ALBERT So could I.
GIDNEY Could you? What qualifications have you got?
ALBERT Well, I’ve got a few, you know.
GIDNEY Listen! Do you know that Chelsea wanted to sign me up a few years ago? They had a scout down to one of our games. They wanted to sign me up. And I’ll tell you another thing as well. I could turn professional cricketer any day I wanted to, if I wanted to.
ALBERT Then why don’t you?
GIDNEY I don’t want to.
JOYCE You’d look lovely in white.
GIDNEY These people who talk about qualifications. Just makes me laugh, that’s all.
KEDGE (in the corner of the room, in an armchair with BETTY) Oh, you’re lovely. You’re the loveliest thing on four wheels.
KING (to HORNE and BARROW, by the door) Well, I hope you’ll both be in the team soon yourselves. I think it’s a very good thing we’ve … that the firm’s got a football team. And a cricket team, of course. It shows we look on the lighter side of things too. Don’t you agree?
HORNE Oh yes, Mr King.
BARROW Yes, Mr King.
KING Also gives a sense of belonging. Work together and play together. Office work can become so impersonal. We like to foster … to foster something … very different. You know what I mean?
HORNE Oh yes, Mr King.
BARROW Yes, Mr King.
KING You interested in sailing, by any chance? You’re quite welcome to come down to my boat at Poole any weekend – do a bit of sailing along the coast.
HORNE Oh, thank you, Mr King.
BARROW Thank you, Mr King.
JOYCE and EILEEN, whispering.
JOYCE (slyly) Eh, what about going over and cheering up old Albert?
EILEEN What for?
JOYCE Well, he looks a bit gloomy, don’t he?
EILEEN I don’t want to go over. You go over.
JOYCE No, come on. You come over.
EILEEN What for?
JOYCE Cheer him up. For a bit of fun.
EILEEN Oh, you’re awful. joyce Come on. Come over.
KING (to RYAN) Can I fill your glass, Ryan?
RYAN nods, and smiles.
Can’t leave you without a drink, can we? The guest of honour.
JOYCE and EILEEN sit either side of ALBERT on a divan.
JOYCE Mind if we join you?
ALBERT Oh, hullo.
EILEEN Enjoying the party?
JOYCE What are you sitting all gloomy about?
ALBERT I’m not gloomy, I’m just sitting, drinking. Feel a bit tired, actually.
JOYCE Why, what have you been doing?
ALBERT Nothing.
JOYCE You just said you were tired. Eh, move up, I’m on the edge.
ALBERT Sorry.
EILEEN Eh, mind out, you’re squashing me.
ALBERT Oh …
JOYCE You squash her, she won’t mind.
EILEEN (laughing) Oh, Joyce!
GIDNEY, with a smile, watching.
JOYCE Come on, tell us, what are you tired about?
ALBERT Oh, just work, I suppose.
JOYCE I’ve been working too. I’m not tired. I l
ove work. Don’t you, Eileen? (She leans across him to speak.)
EILEEN Oh yes, I love work.
ALBERT No, I’m not tired, really. I’m all right.
EILEEN He looks tired.
JOYCE You’ve been living it up. Women.
EILEEN I’ll bet.
JOYCE Females.
The girls giggle.
ALBERT (with an uncertain smile) No, I wouldn’t …
EILEEN Eh, mind your drink. My best taffeta.
JOYCE He’s not bad looking when you get close.
EILEEN Quite nice when you get close.
ALBERT Thanks for the compliment.
EILEEN You got a flat of your own?
ALBERT No. Have you?
EILEEN (forlornly) No.
JOYCE You live with your mother, don’t you?
ALBERT Yes.
JOYCE Does she look after you all right, then?
ALBERT Yes, she … (He stands.) I’m just going to the bar.
JOYCE So are we.
EILEEN Me too.
They follow.
KING Well, now everyone …
JOYCE I’m having gin.
ALBERT Gin? Wait a minute …
KING Just a minute, everyone, can I have your attention?
GIDNEY (to JOYCE) Didn’t make much impression, did you?
JOYCE Didn’t I?
KING Just for a moment, please …
GIDNEY Eh, Stokes, pay attention, will you?
ALBERT What?
GIDNEY Mr King wants your attention.
KING I’d just like to propose a toast to our guest of honour, Mr Ryan. Gidney!
GIDNEY Yes?
ALBERT Here’s your gin, then.
JOYCE Thanks.
KING (to GIDNEY) Go and get Kedge out of that corner, will you? Now, as you know, we’re all gathered here tonight to pay our respects to our old friend and colleague, Mr Ryan …
KEDGE and BETTY are locked together in the armchair. GIDNEY taps KEDGE on the shoulder.
GIDNEY Mr King wants to know if you’ll honour the party with your presence.
KEDGE (jumping up) Oh, sorry.
BETTY, thrown off, falls. He picks her up.
Sorry.
KING We’ve all known Mr Ryan for a very long time. Of course, I’ve known him myself much longer than anyone here –
The Short Plays of Harold Pinter Page 10