The Short Plays of Harold Pinter

by The Short Plays of Harold Pinter (retail) (epub)

  WILLY Absolutely.

  DISSON Now, the first thing you need is a secretary. We’ll get on to it at once.

  WILLY Can I suggest someone? I know she’s very keen and, I’d say, very competent.

  DISSON Who?

  WILLY My sister.

  Pause.

  DISSON Your sister? You mean my wife?

  WILLY She told me she’d love to do it.

  DISSON She hasn’t told me.

  WILLY She’s shy.

  DISSON But she doesn’t need to work. Why should she want to work?

  WILLY To be closer to you.

  WILLY’s office.

  WILLY and DIANA at their desks, both examining folders intently. Silence.

  DISSON’s office.

  DISSON and WENDY at their desks, WENDY typing on an electric typewriter, DISSON looking out of the window. DISSON turns from the window, glances at the door leading to WILLY’s office. The intercom buzzes on WENDY’s desk. She switches through.

  WENDY Mr Disson does not want to be disturbed until 3.30.

  DISSON glances again at WILLY’s door.

  Silence.

  DISSON’s house. Sitting room. Early evening. DIANA and THE TWINS are sitting about, reading.

  DIANA Do you miss your mother?

  JOHN We didn’t know her very well. We were very young when she died.

  DIANA Your father has looked after you and brought you up very well.

  JOHN Oh, thank you. He’ll be pleased to hear that.

  DIANA I’ve told him.

  JOHN What did he say?

  DIANA He was pleased I thought so. You mean a great deal to him.

  JOHN Children seem to mean a great deal to their parents, I’ve noticed. Though I’ve often wondered what ‘a great deal’ means.

  TOM I’ve often wondered what ‘mean’ means.

  DIANA Aren’t you proud of your father’s achievements?

  JOHN We are. I should say we are.

  Pause.

  DIANA And now that your father has married again … has the change in your life affected you very much?

  JOHN What change?

  DIANA Living with me.

  JOHN Ah. Well, I think there definitely is an adjustment to be made. Wouldn’t you say that, Tom?

  DIANA Of course there is. But would you say it’s an easy adjustment to make, or difficult?

  JOHN Well, it really all depends on how good you are at making adjustments. We’re very good at making adjustments, aren’t we, Tom?

  The front door slams, DIANA and THE TWINS look down at their books, DISSON comes in. They all look up, smile.

  DISSON Hullo.

  They all smile genially at him.

  DISSON looks quickly from one to the other.

  DISSON’s office. Morning.

  Sun shining in the window. DISSON at his desk. WENDY at the cabinet. He watches her. She turns.

  WENDY Isn’t it a beautiful day, Mr Disson?

  DISSON Close the curtains.

  WENDY closes the curtains.

  Got your pad?

  WENDY Yes, sir.

  DISSON Sit down.

  WENDY sits in a chair by the corner of his desk.

  Warwick and Sons. We duly acknowledge receipt of your letter of the twenty-first inst. There should be no difficulty in meeting your requirements. What’s the matter?

  WENDY Sir?

  DISSON You’re wriggling.

  WENDY I’m sorry, sir.

  DISSON Is it the chair?

  WENDY Mmn … it might be.

  DISSON Too hard, I expect. A little hard for you.

  Pause.

  Is that it?

  WENDY A little.

  DISSON Sit on the desk.

  WENDY The desk?

  DISSON Yes, on the leather.

  Slight pause.

  It’ll be softer … for you.

  WENDY Well, that’ll be nice.

  Pause, WENDY eventually uncrosses her legs and stands. She looks at the desk.

  I think it’s a little high … to get up on.

  DISSON Of course it isn’t.

  WENDY (looking at the desk). Hmmmn-mmmn …

  DISSON Go on, get up. You couldn’t call that high.

  WENDY places her back to the desk and slowly attempts to raise herself up on to it. She stops.

  WENDY I think I’ll have to put my feet on the chair, really, to hoist myself up.

  DISSON You can hoist yourself up without using your feet.

  WENDY (dubiously) Well …

  DISSON Look, get up or stay down. Make up your mind. One thing or the other. I want to get on with my letter to Birmingham.

  WENDY I was just wondering if you’d mind if I put my high-heeled shoes on your chair … to help me get up.

  Pause.

  DISSON I don’t mind.

  WENDY But I’m worried in case my heels might chip the wood. They’re rather sharp, these heels.

  DISSON Are they?

  Pause.

  Well, try it, anyway. You won’t chip the wood.

  WENDY puts her feet on the chair and hoists herself up on to the desk.

  He watches.

  WENDY settles herself on the desk and picks up her pen and pad. She reads from the pad.

  WENDY There should be no difficulty in meeting your requirements.

  DISSON’s house. Games room. Day.

  DISSON and WILLY are playing ping-pong, THE TWINS watch.

  A long rally. DISSON backhand flips to win the point.

  JOHN Good shot, Dad.

  TOM Thirteen-eighteen.

  WILLY Your backhand’s in form, Robert.

  JOHN Attack his forehand.

  WILLY serves. A rally. WILLY attacks DISSON’s forehand.

  DISSON moves over to his right and then flips backhand to win the point, the twins applaud.

  TOM Thirteen-nineteen.

  WILLY Backhand nip on the forehand, eh?

  WILLY serves.

  From DISSON’s point of view, see two balls bounce and leap past both ears.

  TWINS Shot!

  TOM Fourteen-nineteen.

  DISSON puts down his bat and walks slowly to WILLY,

  DISSON You served two balls, old chap.

  WILLY Two balls?

  DISSON You sent me two balls.

  WILLY No, no. Only one.

  DISSON Two.

  Pause.

  JOHN One, Dad.

  DISSON What?

  TOM One.

  Pause.

  WILLY walks to DISSON’s end, bends.

  WILLY Look.

  WILLY picks up one ball.

  One ball. Catch!

  He throws the ball, DISSON gropes, loses sight of the ball. It bounces under the table. He crouches, leans under the table for it. Gets it, withdraws, looks up. WILLY and the twins look down at him.

  DISLEY’s surgery.

  Room darkened.

  A torch shining in DISSON’s eyes. First the left eye, then the right eye. Torch out. Light on.

  DISLEY There’s nothing wrong with your eyes, old boy.

  DISSON Nothing?

  DISLEY They’re in first-rate condition. Truly.

  DISSON That’s funny.

  DISLEY I’d go as far as to say your sight was perfect.

  DISSON Huh.

  DISLEY Check the bottom line.

  DISLEY switches off the light, puts on the light on the letter board.

  What is it?

  DISSON EXJLNVCGTY.

  DISLEY Perfect.

  Board light off. Room light on.

  DISSON Yes, I know. I know that …

  DISLEY Well, what are you worried about?

  DISSON It’s not that …

  DISLEY Colour? Do you confuse colours? Look at me. What colour am I?

  DISSON Colourless.

  DISLEY (laughs, stops). Very funny. What distinguishing marks can you see about me?

  DISSON Two.

  DISLEY What?

  DISSON You have one grey strip in yo
ur hair, quite faint.

  DISLEY Good. What’s the other?

  DISSON You have a brown stain on your left cheek.

  DISLEY A brown stain? Can you see that? (He looks in the mirror.) I didn’t know it was so evident.

  DISSON Of course it’s evident. It stains your face.

  DISLEY Don’t … go on about it, old boy. I didn’t realise it was so evident. No one’s ever noticed it before.

  DISSON Not even your wife?

  DISLEY Yes, she has. Anyway, I’d say your eyes are sharp enough. What colour are those lampshades?

  DISSON They’re dark blue drums. Each has a golden rim. The carpet is Indian.

  DISLEY That’s not a colour.

  DISSON It’s white. Over there, by that cabinet, I can see a deep black burn.

  DISLEY A burn? Where? Do you mean that shadow?

  DISSON That’s not a shadow. It’s a burn.

  DISLEY (looking) So it is. How the hell did that happen?

  DISSON Listen … I never said I couldn’t see. You don’t understand. Most of the time … my eyesight is excellent. It always has been. But … it’s become unreliable. It’s become … erratic. Sometimes, quite suddenly, very occasionally, something happens … something … goes wrong … with my eyes.

  Pause.

  DISLEY I can find no evidence that your sight is in any way deficient.

  DISSON You don’t understand.

  A knock at the door. LOIS appears.

  LOIS I’m just going out. Wanted to say hullo to you before I go.

  DISSON Hullo, Lois.

  He kisses her cheek.

  LOIS You’ve been in here for ages. Don’t tell me you need glasses?

  DISLEY His eyes are perfect.

  LOIS They look it.

  DISSON What a lovely dress you’re wearing.

  LOIS Do you like it? Really?

  DISSON Of course I like it.

  LOIS You must see if the birds are still there.

  She lifts the blind.

  Yes, they are. They’re all at the bird bath.

  They all look into the garden.

  Look at them. They’re so happy. They love my bath. They do, really. They love it. They make me so happy, my birds. And they seem to know, instinctively, that I adore them. They do, really.

  DISSON’s house. Bedroom. Night.

  DISSON alone, in front of a mirror.

  He is tying his tie. He ties it. The front end hangs only half-way down his chest. He unties it, ties it again. The front end, this time, is even shorter.

  He unties it, holds the tie and looks at it.

  He then ties the tie again. This time the two ends are of equal length.

  He breathes deeply, relaxes, goes out of the room.

  DISSON’s house. Dining room. Night.

  DIANA, WILLY, DISSON at dinner.

  DIANA I’d say she was a real find.

  WILLY Oh, she’s of inestimable value to the firm, wouldn’t you say, Robert?

  DISSON Oh yes.

  DIANA I mean for someone who’s not … actually … part of us … I mean, an outsider … to give such devotion and willingness to the job, as she does … well, it’s remarkable. We were very lucky to find her.

  DISSON I found her, actually.

  WILLY You found me, too, old boy.

  DIANA (laughing). And me.

  Pause.

  She’s of course so completely trustworthy, and so very persuasive, on the telephone. I’ve heard her … when the door’s been open … once or twice.

  WILLY Oh, splendid girl, all round.

  DISSON She’s not so bloody marvellous.

  Pause. They look at him.

  She’s all right, she’s all right. But she’s not so bloody marvellous.

  DIANA Well, perhaps not quite as accomplished as I am, no. Do you think I’m a good private secretary, Willy?

  WILLY First rate.

  Pause. They eat and drink.

  DISSON I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to work.

  DIANA Me? Why not? I love it.

  DISSON I never see you. If you were at home I could take the occasional afternoon off … to see you. As it is I never see you. In daytime.

  DIANA You mean I’m so near and yet so far?

  Pause.

  DISSON Yes.

  DIANA Would you prefer me to be your secretary?

  DISSON No, no, of course not. That wouldn’t work at all.

  Pause.

  WILLY But we do all meet at lunchtime. We meet in the evening.

  DISSON looks at him.

  DIANA But I like working. You wouldn’t want me to work for someone else, would you, somewhere else?

  DISSON I certainly wouldn’t. You know what Wendy told me, don’t you?

  DIANA What?

  DISSON She told me her last employer was always touching her.

  WILLY No?

  DISSON Always. Touching her.

  DIANA Her body, you mean?

  DISSON What else?

  Pause.

  DIANA Well, if we’re to take it that that’s general practice, I think it’s safer to stay in the family, don’t you? Mind you, they might not want to touch me in the way they wanted to touch her.

  Pause.

  But, Robert, you must understand that I not only want to be your wife, but also your employee. I’m not embarrassing you, am I, Willy?

  WILLY No, of course you’re not.

  DIANA Because by being your employee I can help to further your interests, our interests. That’s what I want to do. And so does Willy, don’t you?

  DISSON’s office. Morning.

  DISSON alone. He stands in the centre of the room. He looks at the door, walks over to WENDY’s desk. He looks down at her desk-chair. He touches it. Slowly, he sits in it. He sits still. The door opens, WENDY comes in. He stands.

  DISSON You’re late.

  WENDY You were sitting in my chair, Mr Disson.

  DISSON I said you’re late.

  WENDY I’m not at all.

  WENDY walks to her desk.

  DISSON makes way for her. He moves across the room.

  I’m hurt.

  DISSON Why?

  WENDY I’ve put on my new dress.

  He turns, looks at her.

  DISSON When did you put it on?

  WENDY This morning.

  Pause.

  DISSON Where?

  WENDY In my flat.

  DISSON Which room?

  WENDY In the hall, actually. I have a long mirror in the hall.

  He stands looking at her.

  Do you like it?

  DISSON’s house. Workroom.

  DISSON Hold it firmly. You’re not holding it firmly.

  TOM holds a length of wood on the table. DISSON chips at its base.

  Use pressure. Grip it.

  JOHN A clamp would be better.

  DISSON A clamp? I want you boys to learn how to concentrate your physical energies, to do something useful.

  JOHN What’s it going to be, Dad?

  DISSON You’ll find out.

  DISSON chips. He straightens.

  Give me the saw.

  JOHN Me?

  DISSON The saw! Give me it! (To TOM.) What are you doing?

  TOM I’m holding this piece of wood.

  DISSON Well, stop it. I’ve finished chipping. Look at the point now.

  JOHN If you put some lead in there you could make a pencil out of it.

  DISSON They think you’re very witty at your school, do they?

  JOHN Well, some do and some don’t, actually, Dad.

  DISSON You. Take the saw.

  TOM Me?

  DISSON I want you to saw it off … from here.

  DISSON makes a line with his finger on the wood.

  TOM But I can’t saw.

  JOHN What about our homework, Dad? We’ve got to write an essay about the Middle Ages.

  DISSON Never mind the Middle Ages.

  JOHN Never mind the Middle Ages?

  TOM
Can’t you demonstrate how to do it, Dad? Then we could watch.

  DISSON Oh, give me it.

  DISSON takes the saw and points to a mark on the wood.

  Now … from here.

  TOM (pointing) You said from here.

  DISSON No, no, from here.

  JOHN (pointing to the other end). I could have sworn you said from there.

  Pause.

  DISSON Go to your room.

  Pause.

  Get out.

  JOHN goes out. DISSON looks at TOM.

  Do you want to learn anything?

  TOM Yes.

  DISSON Where did I say I was going to saw it?

  He stares at the wood, TOM holds it still.

  Hold it still. Hold it. Don’t let it move.

  DISSON saws. The saw is very near TOM’S fingers. TOM looks down tensely. DISSON saws through.

  TOM You nearly cut my fingers off.