The Short Plays of Harold Pinter

by The Short Plays of Harold Pinter (retail) (epub)

  ECHO your baby

  REBECCA And I said what baby

  ECHO what baby

  REBECCA I don’t have a baby

  ECHO a baby

  REBECCA I don’t know of any baby

  ECHO of any baby

  Pause.

  REBECCA I don’t know of any baby

  Long silence.

  Blackout.

  CELEBRATION

  Celebration first published by

  Faber and Faber Ltd 2000

  © Fraser52 Limited, 2000

  Celebration was first presented in a double bill with The Room at the Almeida Theatre, London, on 16 March 2000, with the following cast:

  LAMBERT Keith Allen

  MATT Andy de la Tour

  PRUE Lindsay Duncan

  JULIE Susan Wooldridge

  RUSSELL Steven Pacey

  SUKI Lia Williams

  RICHARD Thomas Wheatley

  SONIA Indira Varma

  WAITER Danny Dyer

  WAITRESS 1 Nina Raine

  WAITRESS 2 Katherine Tozer

  Directed by Harold Pinter

  Designed by Eileen Diss

  Characters

  LAMBERT

  MATT

  PRUE

  JULIE

  RUSSELL

  SUKI

  RICHARD

  SONIA

  WAITER

  WAITRESS 1

  WAITRESS 2

  A restaurant.

  Two curved banquettes.

  Table One.

  WAITER Who’s having the duck?

  LAMBERT The duck’s for me.

  JULIE No it isn’t.

  LAMBERT No it isn’t. Who’s it for?

  JULIE Me.

  LAMBERT What am I having? I thought I was having the duck?

  JULIE (to WAITER) The duck’s for me.

  MATT (to WAITER) Chicken for my wife, steak for me.

  WAITER Chicken for the lady.

  PRUE Thank you so much.

  WAITER And who’s having the steak?

  MATT Me.

  He picks up a wine bottle and pours.

  Here we are. Frascati for the ladies. And Valpolicella for me.

  LAMBERT And for me. I mean what about me? What did I order? I haven’t the faintest idea. What did I order?

  JULIE Who cares?

  LAMBERT Who cares? I bloody care.

  PRUE Osso Bucco.

  LAMBERT Osso what?

  PRUE Bucco.

  MATT It’s an old Italian dish.

  LAMBERT Well I knew Osso was Italian but I know bugger all about Bucco.

  MATT I didn’t know arsehole was Italian.

  LAMBERT Yes, but on the other hand what’s the Italian for arsehole?

  PRUE Julie, Lambert. Happy anniversary.

  MATT Cheers.

  They lift their glasses and drink.

  Table Two

  RUSSELL They believe in me.

  SUKI Who do?

  RUSSELL They do. What do you mean, who do? They do.

  SUKI Oh, do they?

  RUSSELL Yes, they believe in me. They reckon me. They’re investing in me. In my nous. They believe in me.

  SUKI Listen. I believe you. Honestly. I do. No really, honestly. I’m sure they believe in you. And they’re right to believe in you. I mean, listen, I want you to be rich, believe me, I want you to be rich so that you can buy me houses and panties and I’ll know that you really love me.

  They drink.

  RUSSELL Listen, she was just a secretary. That’s all. No more.

  SUKI Like me.

  RUSSELL What do you mean, like you? She was nothing like you.

  SUKI I was a secretary once.

  RUSSELL She was a scrubber. A scrubber. They’re all the same, these secretaries, these scrubbers. They’re like politicians. They love power. They’ve got a bit of power, they use it. They go home, they get on the phone, they tell their girlfriends, they have a good laugh. Listen to me. I’m being honest. You won’t find many like me. I fell for it. I’ve admitted it. She just twisted me round her little finger.

  SUKI That’s funny. I thought she twisted you round your little finger.

  Pause.

  RUSSELL You don’t know what these girls are like. These secretaries.

  SUKI Oh I think I do.

  RUSSELL You don’t.

  SUKI Oh I do.

  RUSSELL What do you mean, you do?

  SUKI I’ve been behind a few filing cabinets.

  RUSSELL What?

  SUKI In my time. When I was a plump young secretary. I know what the back of a filing cabinet looks like.

  RUSSELL Oh do you?

  SUKI Oh yes. Listen. I would invest in you myself if I had any money. Do you know why? Because I believe in you.

  RUSSELL What’s all this about filing cabinets?

  SUKI Oh that was when I was a plump young secretary. I would never do all those things now. Never. Out of the question. You see, the trouble was I was so excitable, their excitement made me so excited, but I would never do all those things now I’m a grown-up woman and not a silly young thing, a silly and dizzy young girl, such a naughty, saucy, flirty, giggly young thing, sometimes I could hardly walk from one filing cabinet to another I was so excited, I was so plump and wobbly it was terrible, men simply couldn’t keep their hands off me, their demands were outrageous, but coming back to more important things, they’re right to believe in you, why shouldn’t they believe in you?

  Table One.

  JULIE I’ve always told him. Always. But he doesn’t listen. I tell him all the time. But he doesn’t listen.

  PRUE You mean he just doesn’t listen?

  JULIE I tell him all the time.

  PRUE (to LAMBERT) Why don’t you listen to your wife? She stands by you through thick and thin. You’ve got a loyal wife there and never forget it.

  LAMBERT I’ve got a loyal wife where?

  PRUE Here! At this table.

  LAMBERT I’ve got one under the table, take my tip.

  He looks under the table.

  Christ. She’s really loyal under the table. Always has been. You wouldn’t believe it.

  JULIE Why don’t you go and buy a new car and drive it into a brick wall?

  LAMBERT She loves me.

  MATT No, she loves new cars.

  LAMBERT With soft leather seats.

  MATT There was a song once.

  LAMBERT How did it go?

  MATT Ain’t she neat?

  Ain’t she neat?

  As she’s walking up the street.

  She’s got a lovely bubbly pair of tits

  And a soft leather seat.

  LAMBERT That’s a really beautiful song.

  MATT I’ve always admired that song. You know what it is? It’s a traditional folk song.

  LAMBERT It’s got class.

  MATT It’s got tradition and class.

  LAMBERT They don’t grow on trees.

  MATT Too bloody right.

  LAMBERT Hey Matt!

  MATT What?

  LAMBERT picks up the bottle of Valpolicella. It is empty.

  LAMBERT There’s something wrong with this bottle.

  MATT turns and calls.

  MATT Waiter!

  Table Two.

  RUSSELL All right. Tell me. Do you think I have a nice character?

  SUKI Yes I think you do. I think you do. I mean I think you do. Well … I mean … I think you could have quite a nice character but the trouble is that when you come down to it you haven’t actually got any character to begin with – I mean as such, that’s the thing.

  RUSSELL As such?

  SUKI Yes, the thing is you haven’t really got any character at all, have you? As such. Au fond. But I wouldn’t worry about it. For example look at me. I don’t have any character either. I’m just a reed. I’m just a reed in the wind. Aren’t I? You know I am. I’m just a reed in the wind.

  RUSSELL You’re a whore.

  SUKI A whore in the wind.

  R
USSELL With the wind blowing up your skirt.

  SUKI That’s right. How did you know? How did you know the sensation? I didn’t know that men could possibly know about that kind of thing. I mean men don’t wear skirts. So I didn’t think men could possibly know what it was like when the wind blows up a girl’s skirt. Because men don’t wear skirts.

  RUSSELL You’re a prick.

  SUKI Not quite.

  RUSSELL You’re a prick.

  SUKI Good gracious. Am I really?

  RUSSELL Yes. That’s what you are really.

  SUKI Am I really?

  RUSSELL Yes. That’s what you are really.

  Table One.

  LAMBERT What’s that other song you know? The one you said was a classic.

  MATT Wash me in the water

  Where you washed your dirty daughter.

  LAMBERT That’s it. (To JULIE.) Know that one?

  JULIE It’s not in my repertoire, darling.

  LAMBERT This is the best restaurant in town. That’s what they say.

  MATT That’s what they say.

  LAMBERT This is a piss-up dinner. Do you know how much money I made last year?

  MATT I know this is a piss-up dinner.

  LAMBERT It is a piss-up dinner.

  PRUE (to JULIE) His mother always hated me. The first time she saw me she hated me. She never gave me one present in the whole of her life. Nothing. She wouldn’t give me the drippings off her nose.

  JULIE I know.

  PRUE The drippings off her nose. Honestly.

  JULIE All mothers-in-law are like that. They love their sons. They love their boys. They don’t want their sons to be fucked by other girls. Isn’t that right?

  PRUE Absolutely. All mothers want their sons to be fucked by themselves.

  JULIE By their mothers.

  PRUE All mothers –

  LAMBERT All mothers want to be fucked by their mothers.

  MATT Or by themselves.

  PRUE No, you’ve got it the wrong way round.

  LAMBERT How’s that?

  MATT All mothers want to be fucked by their sons.

  LAMBERT Now wait a minute –

  MATT My point is –

  LAMBERT No my point is – how old do you have to be?

  JULIE To be what?

  LAMBERT To be fucked by your mother.

  MATT Any age, mate. Any age.

  They all drink.

  LAMBERT How did you enjoy your dinner, darling?

  JULIE I wasn’t impressed.

  LAMBERT You weren’t impressed?

  JULIE No.

  LAMBERT I bring her to the best caff in town – spending a fortune – and she’s not impressed.

  MATT Don’t forget this is your anniversary. That’s why we’re here.

  LAMBERT What anniversary?

  PRUE It’s your wedding anniversary.

  LAMBERT All I know is this is the most expensive fucking restaurant in town and she’s not impressed.

  RICHARD comes to the table.

  RICHARD Good evening.

  MATT Good evening.

  PRUE Good evening.

  JULIE Good evening.

  LAMBERT Good evening, Richard. How you been?

  RICHARD Very very well. Been to a play?

  MATT No. The ballet.

  RICHARD Oh the ballet? What was it?

  LAMBERT That’s a fucking good question.

  MATT It’s unanswerable.

  RICHARD Good, was it?

  LAMBERT Unbelievable.

  JULIE What ballet?

  MATT None of them could reach the top notes. Could they?

  RICHARD Good dinner?

  MATT Fantastic.

  LAMBERT Top notch. Gold plated.

  PRUE Delicious.

  LAMBERT My wife wasn’t impressed.

  RICHARD Oh really?

  JULIE I liked the waiter.

  RICHARD Which one?

  JULIE The one with the fur-lined jockstrap.

  LAMBERT He takes it off for breakfast.

  JULIE Which is more than you do.

  RICHARD Well how nice to see you all.

  PRUE She wasn’t impressed with her food. It’s true. She said so. She thought it was dry as dust. She said – what did you say darling? – she’s my sister – she said she could cook better than that with one hand stuffed between her legs – she said – no, honestly – she said she could make a better sauce than the one on that plate if she pissed into it. Don’t think she was joking – she’s my sister, I’ve known her all my life, all my life, since we were little innocent girls, all our lives, when we were babies, when we used to lie in the nursery and hear Mummy beating the shit out of Daddy. We saw the blood on the sheets the next day – when nanny was in the pantry – my sister and me – and nanny was in the pantry – and the pantry maid was in the larder and the parlour maid was in the laundry room washing the blood out of the sheets. That’s how my little sister and I were brought up and she could make a better sauce than yours if she pissed into it.

  MATT Well, it’s lovely to be here, I’ll say that.

  LAMBERT Lovely to be here.

  JULIE Lovely. Lovely.

  MATT Really lovely.

  RICHARD Thank you.

  PRUE stands and goes to RICHARD.

  PRUE Can I thank you? Can I thank you personally? I’d like to thank you myself, in my own way.

  RICHARD Well thank you.

  PRUE No no, I’d really like to thank you in a very personal way.

  JULIE She’d like to give you her personal thanks.

  PRUE Will you let me kiss you? I’d like to kiss you on the mouth?

  JULIE That’s funny. I’d like to kiss him on the mouth too.

  She stands and goes to him.

  Because I’ve been maligned, I’ve been misrepresented. I never said I didn’t like your sauce. I love your sauce.

  PRUE We can’t both kiss him on the mouth at the same time.

  LAMBERT You could tickle his arse with a feather.

  RICHARD Well I’m so glad. I’m really glad. See you later I hope.

  He goes. PRUE and JULIE sit.

  Silence.

  MATT Charming man.

  LAMBERT That’s why this is the best and most expensive restaurant in the whole of Europe – because he insists upon proper standards, he insists that standards are maintained with the utmost rigour, you get me? That standards are maintained up to the highest standards, up to the very highest fucking standards –

  MATT He doesn’t jib.

  LAMBERT Jib? Of course he doesn’t jib – it would be more than his life was worth. He jibs at nothing!

  PRUE I knew him in the old days.

  MATT What do you mean?

  PRUE When he was a chef.

  LAMBERT’s mobile phone rings.

  LAMBERT Who the fuck’s this?

  He switches it on.

  Yes? What?

  He listens briefly.

  I said no calls! It’s my fucking wedding anniversary!

  He switches it off.

  Cunt.

  Table Two.

  SUKI I’m so proud of you.

  RUSSELL Yes?

  SUKI And I know these people are good people. These people who believe in you. They’re good people. Aren’t they?

  RUSSELL Very good people.

  SUKI And when I meet them, when you introduce me to them, they’ll treat me with respect, won’t they? They won’t want to fuck me behind a filing cabinet?

  SONIA comes to the table.

  SONIA Good evening.

  RUSSELL Good evening.

  SUKI Good evening.

  SONIA Everything all right?

  RUSSELL Wonderful.

  SONIA No complaints?

  RUSSELL Absolutely no complaints whatsoever. Absolutely numero uno all along the line.

  SONIA What a lovely compliment.

  RUSSELL Heartfelt.

  SONIA Been to the theatre?

  SUKI The opera.

  SONIA Oh real
ly, what was it?

  SUKI Well … there was a lot going on. A lot of singing. A great deal, as a matter of fact. They never stopped. Did they?

  RUSSELL (to SONIA) Listen, let me ask you something.

  SONIA You can ask me absolutely anything you like.

  RUSSELL What was your upbringing?

  SONIA That’s funny. Everybody asks me that. Everybody seems to find that an interesting subject. I don’t know why. Isn’t it funny? So many people express curiosity about my upbringing. I’ve no idea why. What you really mean of course is – how did I arrive at the position I hold now – maîtresse d’hôtel – isn’t that right? Isn’t that your question? Well, I was born in Bethnal Green. My mother was a chiropodist. I had no father.

  RUSSELL Fantastic.

  SONIA Are you going to try our bread-and-butter pudding?

  RUSSELL In spades.

  SONIA smiles and goes.

  RUSSELL Did I ever tell you about my mother’s bread-and-butter pudding?

  SUKI You never have. Please tell me.

  RUSSELL You really want me to tell you? You’re not being insincere?

  SUKI Darling. Give me your hand. There. I have your hand. I’m holding your hand. Now please tell me. Please tell me about your mother’s bread-and-butter pudding. What was it like?

  RUSSELL It was like drowning in an ocean of richness.

  SUKI How beautiful. You’re a poet.

  RUSSELL I wanted to be a poet once. But I got no encouragement from my dad. He thought I was an arsehole.

  SUKI He was jealous of you, that’s all. He saw you as a threat. He thought you wanted to steal his wife.

  RUSSELL His wife?

  SUKI Well, you know what they say.

  RUSSELL What?

  SUKI Oh, you know what they say.

  The WAITER comes to the table and pours wine.

  WAITER Do you mind if I interject?

  RUSSELL Eh?

  WAITER I say, do you mind if I make an interjection?

  SUKI We’d welcome it.

  WAITER It’s just that I heard you talking about T. S. Eliot a little bit earlier this evening.

  SUKI Oh you heard that, did you?

  WAITER I did. And I thought you might be interested to know that my grandfather knew T. S. Eliot quite well.

  SUKI Really?

  WAITER I’m not claiming that he was a close friend of his. But he was a damn sight more than a nodding acquaintance. He knew them all in fact, Ezra Pound, W. H. Auden, C. Day Lewis, Louis MacNeice, Stephen Spender, George Barker, Dylan Thomas and if you go back a few years he was a bit of a drinking companion of D. H. Lawrence, Joseph Conrad, Ford Madox Ford, W. B. Yeats, Aldous Huxley, Virginia Woolf and Thomas Hardy in his dotage. My grandfather was carving out a niche for himself in politics at the time. Some saw him as a future Chancellor of the Exchequer or at least First Lord of the Admiralty but he decided instead to command a battalion in the Spanish Civil War but as things turned out he spent most of his spare time in the United States where he was a very close pal of Ernest Hemingway – they used to play gin rummy together until the cows came home. But he was also boon compatriots with William Faulkner, Scott Fitzgerald, Upton Sinclair, John Dos Passos – you know – that whole vivid Chicago gang – not to mention John Steinbeck, Erskine Caldwell, Carson McCullers and other members of the old Deep South conglomerate. I mean – what I’m trying to say is – that as a man my grandfather was just about as all round as you can get. He was never without his pocket bible and he was a dab hand at pocket billiards. He stood four square in the centre of the intellectual and literary life of the tens, twenties and thirties. He was James Joyce’s godmother.