Reprise (Ruby Riot #3)

by Lisa Swallow

  “I want to meet him,” she announces. “I know loads of people aren’t talking to your face about this, but I want to see who he is.”

  “I didn’t think you were a fan of kids.”

  “Ha! Well, Jem and Ruby’s daughter is a toddler with attitude and works as the best contraception ever.” She giggles. “Your son, Josh? He’s older, isn’t he? Past the throwing things and screaming stage?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Come on! Can I come over? I always wondered why you made excuses for me to stay away when I was in London.”

  I stare at the domesticity around me, at my stained T-shirt and faded leggings. My home is a mess, the cleaner overdue.

  “Today?”

  “If that’s all right?”

  I relent and Tegan arrives on my doorstep a couple of hours later with a bag full of sweets for Josh. I’ve changed into jeans and a loose blue jumper; Tegan’s dressed the same, but somehow looks glamorous when I look ordinary.

  She greets me with a kiss and a breath-snatching hug. “Oh, Riley, why didn’t you tell me?”

  For the first time since my secret became public knowledge, tears spring to my eyes. Few people have mentioned Josh to me. One or two girls in the agency asked if the news was true, gushed a little over his photo, and then attempted to chat to me about their offspring. I didn’t offer much in return, the awkwardness and maintenance of a professional image at the forefront of my mind.

  What’s obvious is how much I’ve blown this out of proportion over the years, but Tegan’s recognition of the situation firmly and finally pushes Josh into reality.

  “A million reasons, Tegan.”

  She pulls her mouth into a sympathetic line. “I understand. Where is he?”

  Josh sits in the lounge, playing a game on his iPad. He looks up as Tegan walks in then back to his screen. She laughs at his disinterest.

  “Hey, Josh.”

  “Josh, don’t be rude. This is my friend, Tegan.”

  Josh looks at her, then notices the bag of sweets in her hand. He bites his lip and looks over at me.

  “Is it okay to give him these?” asks Tegan and holds them up.

  “Sure,” I say, then add, “Don’t eat them all, Joshy. Save some for after lunch.”

  Tegan sits next to Josh who shifts away from her slightly and studies her with his blue-green eyes. He relaxes into enthusiastic chatter when Tegan asks about his game.

  I walk into the kitchen, grip the sink, and look out the window at the grey winter sky. I’m struggling. A hidden part of me is exposed by Josh, but that’s only the half of it. Nate continues to consume my thoughts. I can’t eat, and wake in the night unable to sleep. Even work doesn’t switch me off as much as I hoped. In Nate’s company, the world righted itself. Now he’s flipped the table and everything fell into the outside world. Here, this house, Tegan and Josh together, unreal and unsettling.

  Tegan reappears chewing one of the sweets she brought and grins at me. “I bought my favourites. I love wine gums. Shh!”

  I laugh. “Big kid.”

  “I am not! But I’m married to one. Do you know what he did this time?” I fail to hide my I don’t care look. “Sorry, you don’t want to know.”

  I sit and Tegan drags a chair out to sit opposite me. “I take it this is what screwed things up with Nate?”

  “Yes, but something inevitably would. I don’t think we make a good couple.”

  “Oh, I think you do.” She makes exploding motions in the air. “People say Jax and me are volatile, but it’s part of what makes us who we are. Guys like him and Nate need women like us.”

  I pick up Josh’s coloured pencils spread across the table and arrange them in a neat pile. “I actually don’t think Nate wants a relationship,” I say to the table.

  “I dunno. He was with the model for a month, whatever happened there. Then you. Maybe he’s looking for somebody?”

  “Not me,” I say and look up with a weak smile. “Single mum and bane of his life.”

  “Riley Sawyer and his match.” Tegan pops another wine gum in her mouth.

  “You’re reading too much into this. I screwed up by not telling him.”

  “Have you spoken to him since?”

  “I sent him a message to ask him to meet up.”

  “Don’t tell me, the ignorant bastard wouldn’t?”

  “Correct.”

  Tegan chews thoughtfully. “I’ll speak to him.”

  “No!”

  “I bloody will. Tell him he’s being a douchebag and at least needs to talk. Even if he isn’t interested anymore, it’s rude.”

  I give a short laugh. “Tegan, please don’t bother. I don’t care.”

  “That’s a load of crap, Riley.” Our eyes meet in challenge for a moment.

  “I want to return to normal, Tegan.”

  She snorts. “Like that’s ever going to happen. I want to help you; I care about you.”

  “Thank you and I appreciate you coming to see me, but really, I’d like to deal with this on my own.”

  She spies an open packet of chocolate biscuits on the table and takes one. “Do you have friends? I mean other friends you can talk to?”

  “A couple of mums from Josh’s school and an old school friend. I’m busy.”

  Tegan chews the biscuit and watches me. “Hiding him must’ve been exhausting. Why do that?”

  I shrug and she shakes her head at me. “You need to live and love, Riley. If Nate’s not the guy, I’m sure we’ll find you one.”

  “Tegan, I don’t want you to find me anything.”

  She licks chocolate from her fingers. “True. Love catches up when you don’t expect.”

  I look through the door at the guy who’s the centre of my life and who I’ll never make less than number one again. “And whoever loves me has to share me with my son,” I say quietly.

  32

  NATE

  I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to speak to anybody. If I head out, I’ll find myself drunk and in a lot of trouble. I can’t control the power of the emotion surging through, set to explode into anger against anybody who comes near me. If I stay away from people long enough, I’ll short-circuit myself and burn everything out of my system. Then I return to normal.

  Six years.

  Six fucking years since I was this person. Heart betrayed; lied to. Tentative steps outside of my sheltered world, trusting Riley or anybody, are blown apart by her deception.

  I can’t talk to Riley. I won’t talk to her. In my head, I rewind to the hate from before we met again in Newcastle. I have no need to see Riley, or even admit she exists because we can keep away from each other again. Talking to her won’t change the situation. She has a kid and she lied. If we do talk, I’ll throw harsh words in an attempt to rip into her the way she’s torn at me. So I’ll keep quiet; and if my silence hurts, that’s Riley’s problem not mine.

  I should never have let my guard down. Life shifted in a different direction when we were in the snow. Those days away tore down a side of myself I’d constructed since Charlotte killed the other Nate; I was with a girl who I finally recognised. We found our mirror image. Twice. And twice we shattered the glass leaving an ugly, distorted picture of who we are to each other.

  A part of me hangs on to the idea of us, and I slap him down. Riley stripped away a layer of my heart and her actions poured acid on the open wound. I tell myself this was quick; a short-lived breath of a relationship, but I’m lying. This relationship started years ago.

  No, in a few days, I’ll have this out of my system and will move on. There’s more than one replacement for Riley out there.

  How the hell did she hide Josh? Nobody ever told me she has a kid; and I’m damn sure at some point in the past, someone would’ve mentioned it, at least in passing conversation. She’s crazy, pretending she isn’t a mother, hiding her son because he doesn’t suit her career-girl life. Poor kid having a mother incapable of loving anybody, even you.

  Yeah, I t
hought I was screwed up, but this? Weird shit.

  Riley texted and asked to talk. Is she stressing I’ll spill her secret? None of my business, nothing to do with her is my business anymore. She can live her sad life alone. I’m embarrassed we appeared as a couple the day before she screwed me over. Good thing people are used to a revolving door of girls as my style.

  My peace doesn’t last long; my brother arrives unannounced at the house at the end of my third day enjoying solitude. I hear the door unlock from my position stretched out on the couch. Will appears in the doorway and wrinkles his nose.

  “Ugh. Stinks in here. What’s happening, Nate?”

  “I knew I should’ve taken my key off you.” I turn up the volume on the TV.

  “What you watching?”

  “Netflix. No idea what anymore.”

  Will settles into the reclining chair he favours when he hangs out at my place. “This because of Riley?”

  Typical Will, straight to the point.

  “No, I just want some peace.” I look at him pointedly. “Had a rough few weeks. Tired.”

  “Nothing to do with finding out Riley has a kid? Did you know?”

  She told people?

  “Not until a couple of days ago. Doesn’t matter to me.”

  “Matters enough to break off your blossoming romance.”

  I bite my tongue against a different explanation. “Yeah, I’m not getting involved with a chick with kids. If I want any, I’ll have my own.”

  “Need to find someone who wants you first,” says Will with a laugh.

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “Joking. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Riley made me look stupid. Lied to me.”

  “Lied to everyone it seems, not just you. I wonder if anybody else knew.” Will pulls the chair into the recline position and grabs a half-empty bag of corn chips. He throws a chip in the air and catches it in his mouth, and the crunching irritates me. “What’s the story with you and her? Why would you never tell me? Until the other night, I believed what you said on tour that it was all her lusting after your irresistible self.”

  I don’t confirm or deny anything and snatch the bag from him.

  “You and her,” says Will.

  “Me and her what?”

  “The other night. It was fucking odd, like someone came in and bulldozed the tension between her and you, and suddenly… y’know. You and her. You looked natural.”

  I tip my head at him. “What the hell are you talking about? You’ve spent too much time around women.”

  “I saw how you looked at her a few nights ago, man. Little touches, whispered words, snatched kisses. What really happened when you were stuck together last month? I thought you’d just screwed each other for days but it’s more, isn’t it? Did you have deep and meaningful conversations and shit like that?”

  “No. We don’t know each other.” I wave a hand. “Clearly.”

  We settle into silence, and Will grabs the remote, clicks through the program selection, and debates with himself out loud what to watch.

  “Ask her to explain about the kid,” he says eventually.

  “What? No fucking point. I don’t want to be around kids!”

  “But what if she’s the girl you’re meant to be with?”

  I stand. “What have you been smoking, Will?”

  He shrugs and wriggles down into his chair and lifts his booted feet onto the table.

  “I saw the reason for all this when I was back in Oxford,” he says.

  “Why don’t you make any sense today?”

  “I know this refusing to get close to chicks thing is all about Charlotte breaking your heart. No idea what the shit was that happened between you, but you need to move on already. She has.”

  I swallow down the emotion at the mention of her name. “I’m sure she has.”

  “Yeah. Married. Remember that guy from school? TJ? Him. And they have a kid.” Will chews on a corn chip. “So, let it go. Life moves on.”

  Will’s words slug me in the stomach, knocking the breath from me. He has no idea what he just said to me. “How old? The kid?”

  “I dunno. Same as Ruby’s? Little.”

  The rising panic retreats, but the painful stab of her name coming into my life again today doesn’t leave. Especially with this news.

  Fuck. No. Don’t even go there, Nate.

  “Why are you telling me this now?”

  “Just saying. Sort your life out, man.”

  I bite back the desire to yell at him for interfering, for waltzing into my day and dropping something this fucking big on me. Why now? Today? Fate has a fucking sick way of dealing with me right now. I need to escape. “I’m gonna grab a shower. Will you come out for a few drinks? There’s somewhere I wanna go. If Fleur’ll let you out on your own?”

  “I do what I want. Where we going?”

  I give him a slow grin. “Peaches.”

  “Uh. Maybe not.”

  “Putting a chick before your broken-hearted brother?” I cock a brow.

  “Broken-hearted, my ass.”

  “You don’t have to touch.”

  “And you’re not allowed to. Club rules.”

  “Not interested in touching today. Help cheer me up, Will.”

  Will sits forward. “Okay, I’ll change and come back later. But you gotta give me the full run down on all this Riley shit. It’s obviously upset you.”

  “Nah. I got an off switch.” I flick fingers at my head. “Off.”

  I lied about the switch. I’m on overload here. Riley. Charlotte. The past and present collided a few days ago, and now they’re merging. Why the fuck did Will have to say that?

  She married the bastard.

  Again, I throw aside Will’s words. I can’t let her and all that shit in too.

  The water pours over my head, but doesn’t wash away the tension or the aching. Hiding in my house achieves nothing. Why can’t I confront this? Riley? Anybody?

  I go with the flow, always did, but the current is stronger than ever dragging me further into a constructed life of fame, and away from my old one. The Nate I chose to bring on the journey is the one who can cope by closing out the past, not the one from the early days of the band.

  Will moved on. He embraced our new life in his own way. We lost our joint identity, and as Will moved away, he pulled part of my construct down too. Will kept himself that little bit closer to people; initiated much of the stupid we involved ourselves in, and rode the wave with me. Then suddenly me and him together wasn’t enough for Will. Yeah, I get that. A girl would always come between us, but it pisses me off he can’t see what will happen. Women fuck you over. Family and friends should come first.

  The situation was inevitable. Will and me no longer the twins despite the public’s love of the gimmick we create. We’ve argued about this shit, Will accusing me of not wanting to grow up. Why the hell do I need to grow up and look for responsibilities when I’m young and a successful musician with the world dropping at my feet? Why get involved with anybody and fall for lies, the way I just did with Riley?

  Underneath, I know Will didn’t mean grow up into a responsible adult. His look hinted at the time in my life we don’t talk about; the day my emotional growth froze. He means I need to let go and move on. I told him when I was ready I would. To shut him up, and not because I have any intention of taking steps outside of my citadel and into people’s lives.

  Until Riley. Two years hating on each other, when all the time we were holding back the truth set to ambush us, if we slackened our emotional grip on ourselves for a moment. Suddenly, the girl in front of me wasn’t Riley Sawyer who pissed me off and rejected me two years ago; this was the girl who I’d unwittingly let inside and never managed to send away again. The hatred fed the pain I denied and the situation with her and a kid three days ago resurrected the last time I’d hurt this badly.

  I don’t know what to do. I know what I should do: talk to Riley, sort this sh
it out, and move on; but it’s easier to pretend to her and myself, I don’t have a heart, than admit she’s the girl who kick-started it.

  With the thoughts scrubbed away by my shower, I pull on a clean pair of jeans and wander back into the lounge. The doorbell rings and I ignore it. A couple of minutes later, the same thing. From my vantage point in the bedroom, I look down into the front garden.

  Riley.

  My throat tightens and panic sets in. Do I ignore her? That’s the easiest route. I’m too vulnerable for Riley, and scared what I might spill when she digs under my skin again.

  People don’t normally come back. Nobody attempts to find answers from me.

  33

  RILEY

  The mistakes at work continued; and unable to concentrate at all, I make what could be a stupid decision. Midway through my working day, the crazy takes over and I drive to Nate’s place.

  Pausing a few metres from the door, I dig my hands into my coat pocket, and look up at the bedroom. My stomach grips with nausea. What if the Nate inside tears into me and I leave in a bigger mess? Should I walk away now?

  No.

  I buzz the intercom. No response. I buzz again and pace from foot to foot. He must be out. With mingled disappointment and relief, I turn to walk down the step and Nate’s voice finally asks who’s outside. When I tell him, he doesn’t respond. My sick stomach flips. I tried.

  The door opens and the awkward wedges between us. The intense eyes hold confusion, not the hard anger I expected. He runs a hand through his damp hair and a muscle in his jaw twitches.

  “I’m surprised to see you,” he says.

  “I thought you would be. We need to talk.”

  He snorts. “Apparently we do.”

  Nate opens the door wider and I step into the hallway, and the familiarity of his house. The same pair of shoes rest in the same place they have each time I’ve walked in, the environment unchanged.

  Nate’s shirtless which means I’m about to struggle with the distraction of the man who held me, and how on top of, and away from, the world he took me.

  He continues to stare at me as if I’m an apparition, which is better than his fuck you, Riley face I’m accustomed to in these situations.