Reprise (Ruby Riot #3)

by Lisa Swallow

  “Oh.”

  “No. I mean I don’t think he likes me.”

  “Nate, you’ve hardly spoken to him. It’s fine, you don’t have to be his best friend. Just spend time with us.”

  “Right.” Nate rubs a hand across his head and the deep-browed look crosses his face. “I think I’d rather face an army of photographers than this.”

  “You might. You didn’t exactly dress inconspicuously for the occasion.” I indicate his typical dark jeans and leather jacket.

  “I always wear this,” he says.

  I laugh. “Exactly.”

  “You look funny,” he says. “More the girl from the snow.”

  I hug my jacket around myself, self-conscious of my seen-better-days jeans and walking boots. “Work suits don’t match a trip to feed ducks.”

  Nate smooths my hair down with both hands, cupping my face in his long fingers. “I like you dressed like this.”

  I tiptoe to kiss him, briefly, my paranoia isn’t Josh will fall in the shallow water, but that he’ll decide to trudge in and reach a duck. It wouldn’t be the first time. Nate rests his forehead on mine as I side glance to watch my son.

  “Mummy!” he complains. “Feed the ducks.”

  Nate hangs back as I delve into the plastic bag, take some bread, and pull it into small pieces. “Don’t just feed the ones at the front,” I say.

  The greedy quacking continues and Josh giggles as a couple climb out of the water to our feet.

  “Shit!” says Nate as one approaches him.

  Curiously, he stumbles backwards. “Are you scared of ducks?” I ask.

  “No, I just don’t like them.”

  Josh claps his hands; the startled duck waddles back to the water.

  “I didn’t think we’d be doing this,” says Nate.

  “What did you want to do?”

  “I dunno. Go to the movies.”

  “Difficult to interact with Josh in the dark.”

  Josh continues to focus his attention on the ducks and Nate wrinkles his nose. “I’ll wait on the bench until you’re done.”

  As he kisses me briefly on the lips and heads up the slope to the wooden seat, my heart sinks into my stomach. Not a great start. As my mind races with the possibilities over what happens next, I attempt to enjoy the duck feeding with Josh. I take a glance or two at Nate who sits examining his phone.

  All the words from the other night fade into the shadows of my fears. We’ve been together a few times over the last week, Nate and Riley at odds with the world, but now Josh joins us, can this continue?

  Then irritation creeps in. Nate isn’t even trying.

  Josh empties the crumbs from the bag onto the ground and shouts a goodbye to the ducks. We head up to Nate who looks up, tucking his phone away.

  “Done?”

  “We’re taking a walk now,” I say.

  Nate tips his head at my stiff voice. “You okay?”

  “Are you?”

  “I’m here aren’t I?”

  Josh tugs at my hand. “Can we get the ice cream now?”

  “It’s a bit bloody cold for ice creams, isn’t it?” asks Nate.

  “It’s never too cold for ice creams,” I say with a laugh.

  “I’ll have yours,” Josh tells him.

  Nate breaks into a grin. “Is that right?”

  “We’re taking a walk first,” I tell Josh. “Come on.”

  I attempt to take Josh’s hand but he charges off ahead. I huff and Nate curls his hand around mine instead. What do I say? Nate doesn’t speak either as we follow the concrete path through the blossoming trees. Josh weaves around, and finds a new stick, which he then whacks against a bush.

  “He’s bored,” I say. “He usually comes with a friend.”

  “Uh huh.”

  When I take the stick from Josh, he scowls at me. “You didn’t bring my football.”

  “You know I can’t play football, Josh.”

  “I could’ve done,” Nate says. “Better than feeding bloody ducks.”

  “Yes! Mike plays football with me,” replies Josh.

  “His friend’s dad,” I add hastily. “Next time, maybe?”

  Nate doesn’t reply.

  With each passing moment, the disappointment rises. I knew Nate couldn’t do this.

  Josh rushes our walk and makes a beeline to the pink and white ice cream van situated in the corner of the carpark.

  “Jake!” I look over as Josh shrieks his friend’s name and runs across the grass to a nearby family.

  Jake walks along the nearby path with his parents, his mum pushing Jake’s sister in a buggy. I have no choice but to go over and say hello. Recognition crosses Marie’s face first and I swear her mouth drops open as she glances between us. Simon halts next to her.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “Hello.”

  An awkward conversation about school and teachers follows, while Nate stares at the sky. This really isn’t what I wanted for Nate’s first introduction to my other life.

  “Ah. Um. This is Nate,” I say.

  Simon extends a hand and, for a horrible moment, I don’t think Nate will take it. “Hey, Nate.”

  Nate nods as he shakes. “Hey.”

  Silence. Ohmigod. A prickling embarrassment creeps through, and Josh’s next move makes things a hell of a lot worse. The boys charge around and there’s a yell from Jake. He runs over to his mum crying and holds out his arm with a large, bleeding scratch along. “Josh hit me with his stick.”

  “Josh!” I yell. “Drop the stick now!”

  A subdued Josh wanders over and stares at the ground. “Say sorry to Jake.”

  As he mutters an apology, I swear Nate laughs under his breath. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry. Boys, hey?” says Simon with a grin at Nate.

  Marie looks less impressed, her dark hair falling forward as she fusses over Jake’s arm, dragging tissues from her bag to hold over the bleeding.

  “We’re getting ice creams, would you like one?” I ask Jake.

  Jake looks to his mum who gives me a tight smile. “We haven’t finished our walk, but thank you.”

  I grit my teeth as the perfect family with their perfectly behaved children walk away. Even the toddler sat quietly in her buggy. “Josh! Why did you hit Jake?” I snap.

  “He had a stick too! We were sword fighting. I didn’t mean to.”

  “You need to be careful.”

  Nate places a hand on my arm. “Don’t get mad with him.”

  I raise a brow. “Now you want to get involved?”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing. Ice creams.” I tug Josh away by the hand, pissed off when my throat thickens with upset.

  Today has been one, huge fuck up so far.

  Nate grips my shoulder forcing me to stop. “Sit. I’ll buy them.”

  “No, it’s okay—” He half pushes me onto the nearby bench. “Calm down. I’ll buy ice creams.”

  Josh’s grin reappears. “Can I have a Flake in mine?”

  “Sure.”

  The two figures head towards the van, and I tuck my hands beneath my legs, watching. This is surreal. Is Nate as uncomfortable as I am? He’s taciturn at best; I’m the only one who benefits from his smiles and lighter moods, and it appears he left both home today. I slap down the constant thoughts this won’t work. What did I expect? Nate, who isn’t used to children, naturally talking and playing with Josh? He’s right. We should’ve taken a trip to the movies instead.

  “Josh says you like vanilla.” Nate passes me a cone and sits, with Josh perching next to him and crunching into his chocolate Flake.

  “Thanks.”

  Nate places one hand on my knee as he eats, and I breathe in the freshness of the spring, the muddy smell of the park and the blossoms on the nearby bush. Families pass, relaxed, and voices call out. Is anybody else here taking part in an awkward ritual like us?

  “What’s wrong? You look like you’re going to cry,” he asks. />
  I bite the inside of my lip, his words prompting my eyes to fill. “I’m not.”

  “Liar.” He bites into his cone and proceeds to shrug his jacket off, revealing his tattoo-sleeved arms.

  Josh stares. “I want a tattoo.”

  “I think you have to be older,” Nate replies.

  “I want a dragon. A big one.”

  “My brother has a dragon. Here.” Nate indicates his chest.

  “Do you have lots of tattoos?”

  “A few.”

  “That’s cool.” Josh licks ice cream melting onto his hand, then points at Nate’s mouth. “But that’s weird.”

  Nate touches his piercing and smiles. “I guess it is.”

  I relax and absentmindedly eat my ice cream. Josh and Nate finish theirs and don’t say anymore to each other. Nate squeezes my knee, and I wish the atmosphere were as peaceful as the surrounds.

  His treat finished, Josh leaps up and heads to a nearby tree where he starts gathering sticks.

  “Your boy likes sticks,” Nate remarks.

  “He always takes them home. But he doesn’t always attack his friends with them.”

  Nate laughs.

  “Not funny. I’m already the weird mum, now I’m the weird mum with the violent son.”

  “Pfft. Who gives a crap what they think?”

  “Me! He’s boisterous and gets bored easily.”

  “He seems like a normal kid to me.” Nate points at Josh climbing a nearby tree.

  I resist the urge to be helicopter mum and race over to tell Josh to climb down.

  “This isn’t working, is it?” I say in a quiet voice. “You and Josh.”

  “Jesus, Riley. Give me a chance. I just met the kid.” He wipes ice cream from the corner of my lip. “I’m not gonna run, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “Okay. But I worry for lots of reasons.”

  “Because of my past?”

  “A bit.”

  Nate wrinkles his nose. “A lot about this situation is weird. I won’t lie and say I’m totally cool with it.”

  “You never spoke to me about the… ex thing again. Is it still a problem?”

  Nate turns his earnest eyes to mine. “Only if I let it. The more I get to know Josh, the more it’ll fade away, right?”

  “You want to meet him again?”

  “Riley. I’ve been here less than an hour. I think I can manage longer than this.” Nate stands. “Hey, Josh! Want to go to a movie?”

  Josh can’t climb out of the tree quick enough and runs over. Nate should’ve asked me first, but who am I to complain he wants to see more of us? I stand and Nate holds me close, kissing me accompanied by complaints from Josh.

  “Don’t stress it, Riley. We live life as it comes, right? That’s all we can do, right?”

  40

  NATE

  I’m an asshole.

  There’s no other way to describe myself.

  I can’t do this. No, I don’t want to do this and that’s what makes me the asshole. I can’t be who Riley needs me to be with her son.

  Will tells me I’ve barely tried, but isn’t this better if I end things sooner rather than later? I love Riley; care for her more than anybody for a long time, but I can’t love her son too. He isn’t mine. Kudos to the guys out there who can step up and be the dad a kid is missing, but I’m no role model.

  I don’t have any issues with Josh himself; he’s a great kid. Funny. Typical boy into all kinds of shit his mum hates. I reckon a girl would’ve suited Riley better.

  Would my kid have been a boy or a girl?

  I push away the memory.

  Riley’s too much like me. We’re cautious, despite telling each other how we feel; complete trust is a long way off. The doubt I can have a full-blown relationship whispers; and on those days, I call Riley and reassure myself there’s an us.

  Insecurity sucks, and it has a stranglehold on me still. How long before my need to run, before I end up the one hurt, slips in again?

  This isn’t only about my worries I’ll be a crap dad to Josh; Riley might think I’m not suitable for the job.

  Shit. I don’t fucking know. Riley means the world to me, but I can’t let go to love her in an all-encompassing, selfless way that includes her son.

  I don’t know how to.

  On the weeks Riley’s weekends are taken up, we catch up for lunch or she comes over to my place. Our addiction to sex with each other hasn’t waned, if anything, it’s intensified since we allowed ourselves emotionally closer. Each time she comes over, the ties bind us tighter and I can’t talk to her about my fears. I don’t want to make her cry, and have my heart tugged in two, unable to go through with what I need to.

  This afternoon is one of Riley’s visits following a morning debating with myself what the hell to do. She knows; Riley reads me too well.

  “What’s happening, Nate?” she asks as she undoes her coat.

  “What do you mean?”

  Riley gives a tiny smile. “I’ve been here five minutes and I still have my clothes on.”

  I stroke her hair and hold my palm against her head. I’m unsure what she reads in my eyes, but she touches my face in return. “Are you wanting the talk with me, Nate?”

  “No.” I wrap Riley in my arms and breathe in her orange scent. Why the fuck can’t life be how it was when we were in the pub? The way I want? Why can’t Riley be only mine? She clings to my waist as I rest my head on her hair, and the love between us translates into no words necessary. How am I ever going to find this again? Really, I could do with a hard smack to knock sense in.

  “You’re hard to work out sometimes,” she says and draws away. “Make a drink and talk to me.”

  As usual, Riley teases me when I make her coffee, how honoured she is that the famously egotistical Nate Campbell does what she asks. I’m drawn in by her humour, our naturalness, and again I hold back the words.

  “I have something to ask you,” she says and traces the rim of her coffee cup.

  “Sure.”

  “You know I’m heading on holiday next month? Josh and me were wondering if you’d like to come with us.” She stares at the table when I don’t respond. “Sorry, shouldn’t have pushed you.”

  “No. It’s uh… I’m busy. Y’know. Stuff.”

  Concentrating on the table further, Riley drinks and says nothing. “It’s okay. Big ask to be stuck with me and Josh for two weeks. But please be honest with me, Nate.”

  “What about?”

  “This. Us.” She sips. “Josh. I’m getting mixed signals from you about this.”

  “I just need some time, that’s all.” I fix her with what I pray is an honest look.

  “Please don’t string me along, Nate.” Riley attempts to hide the hurt, but I read her as easily as she’s reading me right now.

  If I follow what’s in my heart, I can leave the logic aside. That way I ignore the fear and live with the now. Why can’t there be a magic window to the future to check if happiness reflects back?

  If I ask myself the question enough, I know the answer and it’s one I struggle with. I make my own happiness and need to risk hurt to find the future I want with Riley.

  RILEY

  After all this time, why the hell can’t Nate be honest with me? If he’s about to break my heart, I need it done quickly and cleanly, rather than lulled into the security he loves me the way I do him.

  Nate confuses me still. He wavers between intimacy and distance all the time leaving me insecure. Some days we’re on top of the world, others edging around each other. Maybe this is inevitable.

  He reappears with his jacket and I bite inside my mouth. “Please say what you’re thinking. Here, not in public,” I say.

  Time slows as I wait for his reaction.

  “It’s all good, Riley.” Nate curls an arm around my waist and kisses the side of my head even though I look up for him to place his mouth on mine. “Let’s go. How long do you have?”

  “I don’t kno
w, Nate. How long?” I pause and force him to keep his gaze on mine, but I can’t decipher any thoughts from his expression. “A couple of hours.”

  My phone rings and I jump out of the moment. School displays on screen and I groan inwardly. Josh’s teacher phones at least once a week to discuss his disruptive behaviour. Should I cancel the call and deal later?

  I give Nate an apologetic smile as I answer the phone. “Hello?”

  “Is this Josh Sawyer’s mum?”

  Not his teacher. “Yes. Who is this?”

  “Diane. I work part-time with Josh’s class. I’m not sure if I’ve met you.” Despite her attempt at teacher neutrality, I don’t miss the wariness in her tone.

  “Oh. Right. No, I haven’t. What’s Josh done this time?”

  The pause is one second too long, enough to hitch my pulse. “Josh had an accident, and I’m—”

  “Josh?” I interrupt. “What happened? Is he okay?”

  Another short pause that may as well be an eternity. “He fell on the way to class.”

  “And he’s all right?”

  Please, stop the pauses. Her next words send a chill through my day and freeze out any fears around Nate and me. “Josh knocked his head and he lost consciousness for a few minutes. As a precaution, we’ve called an ambulance to take him to hospital and get checked out.”

  “What?” My voice rises. “Ambulance? How bad is he? What happened?”

  “It’s a precaution, Riley; he’ll be fine, I’m sure,” says Diane in a soft voice.

  “He’s conscious now? Has the ambulance arrived?”

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

  “You’re sure? How can you be? What’s happening? Where is he?” My eyes blur as my mind jumps from scenario to scenario.

  “The ambulance is taking him to Barnet Hospital. If you can’t get to the school in time to meet the ambulance, somebody can meet you at the hospital. A teacher is with him.”

  Nate’s hallway floor lurches from under me. I steady myself against the wall. “What’s happening? I can’t… I don’t know…” My voice cracks and I suck in air. Words. I need more words but only one will come. “Josh.”

  Nate prises the phone from my hand. “Hello. I’m a friend of Riley’s. Can you tell me which hospital her son is at?” He strides into the lounge the room and I disconnect, focused on a spot on the wall where the paint doesn’t match.