Epocalypse: Inception.

by G. Adler

  Tyrese interjects. “Byte, I think that only applies to wartime measures. I can ask my dad when he is back from assignment if you want.”

  I hear Maya gag a few more times before she says anything. “Thanks, Tank but how does any of that make this grossly, disgustingly, icky jail cell any better?”

  “Sorry, Byte. Can’t help you there.”

  Ethan’s voice finally echoes through the corridor. “Oh sorry about that, guys. You probably heard movement from my cell. I’m trying to teach Dickey a few tricks.”

  I cringe and decide to take the bait. “Dickey? What are you doing in there, Ethan?”

  “Playing with my Dickey of course!”

  “BARTENDER!” we all yell.

  “Okay fine. He is the little mouse that came out to play once I pulled out some of my synthetic peanut butter. Little fucker goes nuts for the stuff! He’s got huge black ears, so I figure he must be related to Mickey. Here, listen to this!”

  Against my better judgment I go completely silent. So does everyone else. From the far end of the hallway, we hear a tiny squeaking sound followed by the clatter of claws on the concrete floor.

  Maya immediately loses her shit. “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! Make it stop, like right now!”

  Ethan doesn’t seem impressed. “Blame Hayden, Maya. He got us here!”

  I gasp. “What?”

  “Well, this was YOUR master plan, after all.” Ethan notes.

  “Which we did, technically, carry out. It was rather successful. We have video footage of it if you need to see it again, Bartender.” I remind him.

  Ethan’s voice becomes strained and irritated. “So let me get this straight, Ghost. Getting us caught and thrown in prison was part of the plan?”

  “Well not exactly. I’m actually surprised that Dad reacted THIS extremely. I banked on a classic lecture and grounding. Something must be up at work; nothing else would bother him this much!”

  Tyrese slams his fist into his bars, sending a clang resonating throughout the space. “Seriously? Your father is used to this type of thing? My aunt and uncle are going to lecture me senseless. I’ll be going to church every evening for this one. I’m going to have to hear about how I damaged my soul and stuff. Once that is over my dad will probably tear me a new one when he is back from assignment.”

  “Yes, Tank, as you know from my website, I have a bit of a knack for this type of thing.”

  “Well I hope you have another plan brewing because this does not look good for us.”

  I nod my head and have to agree. “Yeah, I guess I kinda blew that one.”

  I slam my fists against the bars of my cell and flop down on my bed. All is quiet for a moment before Maya decides to break the silence. “THIS SUCKS! There is no pink or purple anywhere. My legs are getting sore and I need a mirror!”

  Joo-Eun finally adds her thoughts to the mix. “Why does it smell like urine in here? And whoever it was might be diabetic, based on the stains. If I had my scrapper I could conduct a urinalysis once we are allowed to leave…”

  “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!” Maya wretches once again.

  I shake my head and roll my eyes. I listen for sounds from down the corridor but Ethan and Dickey have fallen silent.

  “Ethan? You okay?”

  “I am sorry. The friend you are trying to reach is not in service. Please STFU and leave this friend alone with his music for a while. He and Dickey need some alone time. This is a recording. I am sorry. The friend you are trying to reach is not in service. Please STFU…”

  “Bartender’s fine!” I call out.

  Maya does not sound like she is faring as well. “Hayden, this is NOT how I imagined I would spend the night. I haven’t showered, I have nothing fresh to wear, and my phone is on half charge with only intermittent bars showing. Who the hell designs a jail without proper cell service, anyway?”

  Ethan snorts and laughs at her. “It’s called solitary confinement, not dial a friend. I think you blew your mother board!”

  “I thought you were busy dissolving away with your Dickey!”

  Joo-Eun sighs and intercedes before another ridiculous screaming match ensues.“Maya, who else would you want to call anyway? All of us are right here. It isn’t as though anyone else would be able to change our incarceration status. I imagine we will be given a change of clothing and a shower at the appropriate time.”

  “Wait a second, they are going to give ME clothes? As in PRISON stuff? Like in the movies?” Maya exclaims.

  I think about it for a second and reply, “I’m pretty sure Dad switched the uniforms to orange with green and red accent stripes.”

  Maya immediately starts to hyperventilate. “I NEED OUT OF HERE NOW!!!”

  I can’t help but agree. “You don’t know the half of it. There was a post on my website to our video. I saw it just before they took us down here. There is a massive park party in our honor tonight. It will start at ten and people are saying it could go on until morning. It looks like everyone is going to be there!”

  “HAYDENNNNNNN! I did NOT need to know that!” Maya sighs.

  “Please Byte, don’t whine. It reminds me of my twelve-year-old sister and makes me want to drill a hole through my head!”

  Ethan laughs and says, “That’s why Maya wants out so bad. She has the reverse problem, if you catch my meaning!”

  “Screw you, Ethan!” Maya retorts.

  “Sorry, I am not in the running for that marathon!” he replies.

  I let the two of them go back and forth while I stare off into space. Something in what we were just talking about gives me an idea. I start to mumble out loud as the sliver of inspiration takes hold.

  “Holes… making holes… digging holes… sieves… perforations… perfora… THAT’S IT!”

  Maya and Ethan fall silent and Tyrese asks, “What’s it?”

  “Tank, I think I have a way out of here!”

  “No way, Ghost! We’re good but we’re still just kids! This is a military prison and we’re in solitary confinement. I’ll give you credit for all that you’ve done but even you have your limits.”

  “Tank, if there is one thing I have learned in the brief time I’ve known you, it is that there are no limits except for the ones you set for yourself!”

  I hear him sniff followed by a slow applause.

  That’s when Maya speaks up. “Hayden, you may not have been part of this group since it began, but we have come a long way with your help. If you say you can do it, I believe you.”

  The others are stunned into silence.

  “I’m glad to hear that, Maya, because I’m going to need to destroy your phone to pull this off. Everyone else’s is cracked, so they won’t work. You can save your SIM card, but kiss the rest of it goodbye.”

  “Who are you and stop talking to me…loser!” she exclaims.

  “Oh no! You can’t do that after you just stroked his ego, even though we all know that right now you would rather be doing it to something else…” Ethan offers.

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bartender, because you are going to have to part with Matilda!” I state flatly.

  “I am sorry. YOU are now out of service! Go take someone else’s custom-built battery and kiss my ass. This is a recording. I am sorry. YOU are now out of service! Go take someone …” Ethan replies.

  “I love you, Ethan. Thanks.”

  “Go away.”

  “Joo-Eun, can I assume that you have your little container of concentrated bleach handy? The one you use to sterilize your fingers after handling samples?”

  “Wha... wh... What do you want with Grandma?”

  “Why do you call it Grandma?”

  Ethan sniggers. “Because, just like her actual grandmother, it wipes away anything it thinks is dirty and immoral! She offered to try to bathe me in the stuff, b
ut I know how to counter the effects.”

  We all laugh, which I know is their way of saying that they are in.

  “Okay guys listen close. Ethan, take out Matilda and wrap your earbuds around her.”

  “Done.”

  “Good, now slide it along to Tank.”

  “You ready big guy?”

  “Go ahead, Ethan.”

  I hear the sound of plastic on concrete followed by the slap that reminds me of a baseball entering the catcher’s mitt.

  “I’ve got it, Ghost. Now what?”

  “Maya, slide your phone to Tank.”

  “Goodbye, beautiful. I loved you like no other.” I then hear multiple kissing sounds.

  “Are you going to go down on it too? Just slide it to Tyrese already!” Ethan teases.

  “Up yours, Bartender!”

  I hear the phone slide along, followed by Tyrese saying, “It’s just out of my reach. I can touch the outer casing with the tip of my finger but that’s it. Maya didn’t put enough oomph into it.”

  “It’s not her fault, Tank. She’s still recovering from the last guy that made her rid…” Ethan begins.

  “ENOUGH WITH MY SEX LIFE!” Maya interrupts. Joo-Eun giggles for a moment and offers her observations.

  “You know, Ethan. Freud would say that your preoccupation with Maya’s copulations might indicate a subconscious crush?”

  “Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!” they both cry and then fall silent.

  “Well done, Guts.”

  “Don’t mention it, Ghost.”

  “I still can’t reach it, Ghost, no matter how far I try and stretch.”

  I bang my fists against the side of my head repeatedly until an idea comes. “Ethan, slide Tyrese your peanut butter extract container.”

  I hear it clatter along the floor.

  “Tank, dab as much of it as you can on the phone and then make a thin trail of peanut butter leading back to your cell.”

  “Got it. Now what?”

  “Pray.”

  The tiny clatter of nails sounds in the jail. I watch as a tiny mouse with large black ears saunters past my cell on his way to Tyrese’s.

  “Hello Dickey. Nice to meet you.”

  I wait a few more moments until I hear the sound of something scraping across the floor. “Talk to me, Tank.”

  “You are a freaking genius, Ghost. He’s doing it! Just a little bit more and I’ll have it.”

  “He’ll do it. I put absolute faith in my Dickey!” Ethan offers.

  I hear a bit more scraping followed by Tank. “Got it, Hayden!”

  We all clap and cheer at once. Dickey squeaks in reply. Seconds later I see the little guy walking past me while rolling Ethan’s container.

  “It only seemed fair to give him the rest of it! He earned it.” Tyrese says appreciatively.

  “Fair enough, Tank. Now take out the battery from Maya’s phone and then smash the entire thing in half along its length.”

  I hear a mewling whimper from Maya’s cell as there is an audible crack and tinkling of a shattered LCD screen.

  “Sniff…sniff…she was so pink and pretty!” Maya laments.

  “What’s next, Hayden?” Tyrese asks.

  “When you splintered Maya’s phone, did it break into any sharp slivers of glass or metal?”

  “Yeah, a few. Why?”

  “How many? This is important, Tank.”

  “I dunno, a couple. Maybe three.”

  “That means we only have three shots at this. You need to puncture both the cell battery and Matilda. The liquid inside both of them has to be exposed.”

  “Uh, Hayden, that might not be such a great idea. That battery in my mp3 player is the equivalent of putting a nuclear reactor in a motorcycle. There is A LOT of energy in there.” Ethan warns.

  “Bartender, I’m counting on that.”

  There is an audible gasp from the far end of the corridor. “No fair! I’m the one who is supposed to do boom-boom!”

  “There’s always next time, buddy.”

  Ethan mutters something under his breath, but I don’t hear it thanks to Tyrese’s exclamation of pain.

  “What happened, Tank? What are your symptoms?” Joo-Eun questions.

  “I’m okay, Guts. Just a small cut from one of the shards.”

  “I have some antiseptic cream and plastic strips in my pocket. I can try to throw them down to…”

  “That is very sweet of you Guts, but I need Tank to focus right now.” I interrupt.

  “Right. Sorry, Ghost.”

  “Well? Where are we, Tank?”

  “I got through the cell battery but I only have one more shot with Matilda. The casing is pretty thick. I made a small hole but it didn’t penetrate.”

  “I heard that about you, Tyrese. I’m surprised you can accept it so easily.” Ethan grumbles.

  “ETHAN! NOT NOW!” we all exclaim.

  “Meh, whatever.”

  “Ignore him, Tyrese. You can do this, man. YOU GOT THIS!” I encourage.

  “Here we go... UGH… This stuff smells gross, but I managed to make a pinhead-sized hole in the top.”

  “You’re the man, Tyrese! Now carefully slide me all of it: the clamshell cell case, the batteries, even the headphones. Joo-Eun, pass me down the bleach.”

  “I’m not happy, Ghost.” Ethan sighs.

  “I know, Bartender.”

  Everything slides down the hallway and stops right in front of the bars of my cell. I reach out hungrily and bring it in with me. I put Maya’s punctured cell phone battery on half of the clamshell and pour in the bleach. The moment the bleach touches the acid from her battery, it begins to fizz and hiss.

  “Bring on the heat!” Ethan cries.

  I put Matilda directly on top of the makeshift hotplate and put the other half of the cell phone on top. I wrap the earbuds tightly around the sandwich and aim it at the metallic lock on my door.

  The hissing quickly becomes a pop, and the entire structure begins to vibrate as the energy levels climb higher and higher.

  “FIRE IN THE HOLE!” I shout and dive behind my rickety cot. As a quick afterthought, I grab an extra blanket and put it in front of my upturned bed. I then drag the entire thing to the corner and stick my fingers in my ears. In the distance I hear Joo-Eun shouting, “Hayden, I hope you know what you’re doing! The energy that is being released sounds really, really dangero…”

  She doesn’t have a chance to complete her sentence as Matilda blows her top like a cannonball from a pirate ship! The force of the explosion completely obliterates my lock. Pieces of metal fly everywhere and embed themselves into the linens in front of me. I look over the edge and can see tiny holes in the blanket from flying, burning, acid shrapnel!

  When the smoke clears and the ringing in my ears relaxes a little, I can see my door hanging slightly ajar.

  “It worked!” I exclaim.

  An officious voice sounds from somewhere above us. “What the hell was that? What are you kids doing? Do I need to come down there and check?”

  I immediately start kicking around my metal cot to make as much noise as possible. Then I scream, “That’s what I want! Come down here so I can get your name. My father might be pissed now, but he’ll hear all about the terrible conditions you exposed us to. Get down here so I can start the beginning of the end of your career, Private Pussy!”

  “Remember what the General told us, man,” a second voice says to the first. “Just ignore anything you hear and let him blow off steam. It isn’t like he’s going anywhere anytime soon.”

  I wait a few moments for them to relax before I carefully slide open the hinges on my door. I quietly find the override release for the other cells and hit the button. A mechanical clunk sounds as all of their locks release. They rush out and wrap their arms around
me.

  “Thanks for the love-in guys, but we best be getting out of here. My tantrum will keep them up there for a little while but they are bound to get curious.”

  Joo-Eun pales and starts to shake. “Oh my God, Hayden is right! We’re fugitives now! Mother and Halmoni will be so ashamed.”

  “Joo-Eun, you weren’t REALLY arrested. Think of it more like a teen version of a timeout.”

  She blinks a few times and smiles. “That IS much better! Thanks, Ghost.”

  Tyrese then walks over to me and claps me on the back. “Thanks Hayden. You seem to be spending a fair bit of energy lately getting us in and out of all kinds of trouble. I don’t know how you do it, how you think so fast on your feet. What you just did is amazing. It’s like you can effortlessly pass through anything. Way to go, Ghost!”

  “I have my moments, Tank.” I say with a bow. “Now, I believe that the five of us have autographs to sign and an adoring public to appease.”

  We sneak back up the stairs and make our way to a room on the opposite side of the prison where the kitchen supplies are stored. There is a door at the far end of the huge pantry. I grab a few of the essentials including food, water, even some rope, and stow them in a pack that I find hanging on a hook on the wall. I then take out my phone and clear any unnecessary media.

  “Be back in two seconds, guys.”

  Before they can object, I go back for a moment and take a few shots of the ruined cells. Once I am satisfied, I put it all away and throw the pack on my back.

  “What was that all about, Hayden?”

  “Sorry, Maya. But at the very least I wanted to post images of what I just did as a ‘fuck you’ to my old man. The moment needed to be captured for posterity. At least I can have a good reply to his rant!”

  “And all the supplies?” she inquires.

  I smile as best I can and say, “After everything that’s gone on today, can any of us afford to be caught unprepared?”

  She smiles and touches my hand affectionately.

  I pull out my wallet and remove a piece of plastic that looks like a credit card.

  “Oh, are we going shopping? I can have a list ready in no time!” Maya says gleefully.

  I turn the card towards her and punch out the key shape etched into the plastic.