The Wisest Fool mog-4

by Nigel Tranter

  "Would that it were. But I think not. Others think not, to be sure. They say the youth is clever. Or, at the least, cunning. I reckon Hay will gain but little out of his investment-for others are taking Carr over. Folk with keener wits than Hay. There is a battle for him, already, between the factions. The Howards, in especial, are amove. See you, the Countess of Suffolk herself goes early each morning to this house, before James arrives, to curl Carr's hair, perfume his breath, paint his lips and anoint his body! Old enough to be his mother, no doubt she obtains her reward-but the entire Howard clan are abetting her. They usually know well what they do. Even Cecil pays court. It sickens roe. As it does Anne."

  "The Queen mislikes it? Seriously? More than her husband's other… weaknesses?"

  "Aye. She is angry. Bitter. For this Carr has already said ill things of her. He so soon conceives himself secure enough to do so. She it was who had him dismissed for incompetence, mind- and he has not forgot, it seems. And he has already snubbed young Henry, whom James insisted must go visit him, bearing gifts. As you know, Anne is a tigress where her bairns are concerned! She is in a great state."

  Thoughtfully Heriot scratched his chin. "James has ever had a great need, and capacity, for affection," he said. "The pity that he must needs turn for it, thus…"

  When, presently, a commotion heralded the King's return from Charing Cross and his mission of mercy, the Duke took his friend to see if he could gain audience. James proved to be in a glowing and expansive humour, at one with his world. He allowed Heriot into his presence at once, greeted him warmly, declared that Geordie and Vicky must accompany him there and then, for he had a ploy on, a justifying of justifiers, which might well hold some good sport-and they must not keep Philip waiting, must they? Mystified, the pair fell in behind their happy sovereign lord who, preceded by a posse of Yeomen of the Guard and followed by sundry dignitories, hobbled off forthwith along the lengthy corridors of Whitehall, tall white stick waving and clacking.

  "I'm new come frae Robbie's bedside, Geordie man," Majesty announced, over a padded shoulder. "Robbie Carr. You'll mind Robbie? Him my Annie put aside, yon time-the mair fool her! Och, he's a guid lad is Robbie. And I owe him something, mind you, for Annie's unkind extrusion-aye, her fustigation. A right martyrdom, no less! But he's doing fine, now-och, just fine."

  When Heriot made no comment, James turned and looked at him, the stick coming up to jab. "You said, Geordie…?"

  "Nothing, Sire. I, ah, had scarce time to express my, my felicitations."

  "Aye. Well." The march was resumed. "I've great hopes for Robbie, see you. He's got wits in his bonnie heid-oh, aye, notable wits. And wi' me for his tutor, he'll go far, far." Behind the royal back, Heriot and Lennox exchanged glances.

  They came to a large chamber overlooking the river, where were assembled quite a group of people of both sexes, and varied types and classes. Standing apart from the others, and looking distinctly chilly and offended, was Philip Herbert, Earl of Montgomery, dressed in the exaggerated height of fashion. He had been drifting from favour ever since his marriage-James had come to the conclusion that he did not like the wife-and now the new favourite's meteoric rise would be the last straw. He sketched the briefest of bows at the royal entry, while all others genuflected deeply.

  The King did not appear to notice, all genial attention on Montgomery. "Ha, Philip lad!" he cried, "It's yoursel'? A right bonnie morning, is it no'? Fine for the work in hand, eh? If we're a wee thing late, I couldna help it. Man, you're looking fine and swack. Getting fat, on my soul!" "Your Majesty is pleased to jest!" the other returned, sulkily. "Na, na-nae jesting in it, Philip. It's work, the day. And I've got a right suitable and worthy ploy for you, lad-and a' in the interests o' justice and good governance. You'll thank me, I swear" James made his way to the head of a central table, and sat down, laying his stick along the board, and beckoning to a clerk for papers. "Aye, well." He cleared his throat, and tipped his hat forward over his brow to signify that utterance was now official. "We are here assembled and forgathered, my lords and friends, on a matter o' much concern to this realm, lords o' justiciary, magistrates, appellants and witnesses-or, shall we say, deponents and evidenters. Aye. The subject is witchcraft Or, leastways, the matter o' misclaims and misjudgments thereanent. A right serious matter that has been brought to our royal notice. See you, it's this way-there has been a notable onset and increase o' claims for the punishment o' witches, and the compensation o' the victims thereof, such as I did stipulate when I ascended this throne o' England. Notable." He smirked complacently. "No' unconnected wi' the publication o' my ain work on Demonology, I'm thinking! Aye. But no' a' folk are so enquirous and single-minded in the matter as their liege lord, mind. There's ill-conditioned folk who jalouse they can profit frae my kind care for my subjects by making false claims. Accusing their unfriends o' witchcraft, and claiming in law upon their goods and properties, in compensation. A maist deplorable defraud. My justices are no' ay o' the ability and penetration to discern the truth in such misclaims. They havena a' studied the matter as hae I. Is that no' the case, my lord Chancellor?"

  Ellesmere, who with Coke, the Attorney-General, was standing by, bowed warily.

  "Aye, then. I have, therefore, summoned to my presence two contested cases, for my ain judgement this day. As demonstration and test. Experimentum cruris. Two right different cases." James consulted the paper. "Item-the case o' Samuel Colt, yeoman, and his wife Deborah Vance, o' Ware in the county o' Hertford, against one Suzanna Gaffney, spinster, goose-wife, likewise o' Ware, their neighbour. Alleged that the said Suzanna, being reputed a witch, did bewitch the said Deborah, out of ill-will and spleen, by crossing fingers and eyes at her, caused close her secret parts, to the end that she, although a mother of two children, may no longer enjoy proper wifely communion wi' the said Samuel her husband, nor can bear further children on the said account And so they petition for the due punishment o' the said Suzanna, as notour witch, and the arrestment o' her property for payment o' the sum o' thirty pounds Sterling, in solatium for the said grievous deprivation in bodily comforts and marital bed."

  Something between a snigger and a snort came from the Earl of Montgomery and sundry others smiled. James cocked an eyebrow.

  "Aye, Philip-I reckoned you'd be interested! But it's no matter for mirth, mind. Samuel Colt and Deborah Vance to stand forward."

  From the group at the foot of the table, a long-featured, stooping man of early middle years shuffled out, bobbing continuously and turning his hat round and round in his hands, the picture of discomfort And with him a red-cheeked, buxon woman, considerably younger, who, though flushed, kept her head high.

  The King eyed them thoughtfully, especially the woman. "Ooh, aye," he said.

  There was a lengthy pause, wherein the yeoman Colt became increasingly unhappy, and his wife, although she endeavoured to maintain her pose, bit her lips, plucked at her gown, her ample bosom beginning to heave.

  "I've no' ca'd the alleged witch, Gaffney, to be present," James went on presently, "until I acquaint mysel' wi' the details and rightness o' the change. As I have it, Samuel Colt, it's no' you that's bewitched, but your wife? You can still do it, can you?"

  Stammering and nodding, the man indicated that he was still a capable husband.

  "Aye, then-if s you that canna, Mistress Deborah? You canna what?"

  "I… may it please your High and Mightiness… I cannot… cannot…" Gulping, and red as a beetroot, the lady spread shaking hands. "Be mair specific, woman," her monarch commanded.

  "I cannot… take him. Take him in. Sam'l. Not as 'ow I used to, as you might say, sir. My lord. Mightiness."

  "Is that so? You canna tak him in. And you, sirrah-you canna get in??" "Y'yes, sir. N'no, sir. I… I… no, Highness.

  "Mak up your mind, man. We maun get to the bottom o' this!" James glanced over at Heriot and Lennox, to see if they had caught the allusion.

  "Your case is that you're no' gravelled, nor yet impotent, but that
since Suzanna bewitched your wife you canna get in? She canna tak you, she says. Canna-or winna?" "Cannot, lord. She goes… stiff. Closed up."

  "Stiff man? That's fell interesting. The boot on the wrang foot, heh? And you, Mistress-how do we ken you've no' just taken a scunner at your husband? He's getting auld, I see. It's happened before now. Maybe that's the cause o' your stiffness and closeness downby? Maybe you've your eye on another lad-wi' mair smeddum to him?" "Oh, no, sir-no! King, sir. Not so. As God's my witness…!"

  "Aye, well. You claim that you're bewitched, woman, so that you canna tak a man in? And you claim thirty pounds Sterling in compensation. See you, that's an unverified statement, just I'll need verification before I can pronounce a right judgment. Aye, verification. I therefore command, Mistress Deborah, that you go ben the next room, while test is made o' your assertion. Wi' a man other than this Samuel Colt. To wit, Philip, Earl o' Montgomery, who, besides being a peer o' this realm is a right notable lover and performer on women 1 If he canna get in, then I'd likely accept your claim. You have it, Philip, lad? Nae raping and roaring, mind-just a decent bit haughmagandie. To your, h'm, mutual comfort! I'll gie you a half-hour. The bit room's a' ready, wi' a bed and a flagon o' wine. You'll no need mair than that, I'm thinking-a man o' your prowess?"

  There was a chorus of exclamation, wails and protest from the husband, little controlled squeals from the wife, chuckles from Philip Herbert, and varied reactions from judges, magistrates and lookers-on.

  James held up his hand for quiet. "Silence in my royal presence!" he reproved. "This is a court o' law. I'd remind you a'. The highest in the land, forby. Guard-tak them ben. A half-hour-nae mair, mind. Now-next case?" Consulting his papers, as the Earl gallantly took the lady's arm and escorted her somewhat reluctant person to the door, behind two Yeomen of the Guard, all assured if somewhat lofty and patronising charm, the King went on:

  "Item-the case o' the young woman, Kate Selby, o' Brentwood in the county o' Essex, against one Nell Carter or Hives, alleged witch. A right interesting case, this, wi' mair o' meat to it The lassie Kate, or her faither Matthew Selby, saddler, avers that she is bewitched by the said Nell Carter or Hives, in that whenever the first verse o' the first chapter o' St John's Gospel is read in her presence she is cast into a fit. Whereby she is held askance by the hale community o' this Brentwood in general and her betrothed husband Peter Lukes in particular. The said Peter Lukes being minded, on this account, to withdraw frae marriage, the said Matthew Selby claims the sum o' nineteen pounds Sterling in solatium for himsel' and five pounds Sterling for his daughter Kate, making twenty-four pounds Sterling against the person and property o' the said alleged witch, Nell Carter or Hives. Aye, an interesting case, you'll a' agree?"

  There was only a comparatively modest murmur of concurrence, most of the company's thoughts being rather obviously elsewhere-next door to be exact

  "Aye. Some questions arise," the monarch went on. "Kate Selby and Matthew Selby to stand forward. Aye. I have stated your claim correctly? Now-these fits the lassie taks? What form do they take, man Matthew?"

  The father, a stout and rubicund character, lacking nothing in confidence, spoke in a rich, broad accent "Bad, bad, Sir King. She be took bad, with jerks and twitches, something cruel. Stiff she goes, and falls down. Very bad."

  "Indeed. And only when this verse o' St John's blessed Gospel is recited? She hasna been subject to these fits before?"

  "No, Sir King-never before. This scurvy witch, Nell Carter, is an evil woman. She be sold to the Devil, as all do know. She put the Evil Eye on my Kate, sitting behind her in the church, when this 'ere reading was being read, see. Three weeks back. My Kate did fall in a fit. And since does be doing the same whenever this 'ere verse is read, Sir King. To her sore hurt and the scandal of all, I say." -

  "Is that a fact? But, Matthew man, the first verse o' the first chapter o' St. John will no' be read that often, I'm thinking? In the Kirk, or elsewhere. Now I think on it, I havena heard it read this past six months, my ain sel’. So your Kate will no' be just ay falling doon in fits, eh?"

  "We put it to the test, my lord King, seeing as how we must be sure, like. We have had Vicar to read it to Kate many times- and allus she do take this fit." "And does the Vicar read other verses? Or only this?"

  "To be sure-many verses. But only on this one does the witch be striking her."

  "M'mm. Very strange." James felt deep into his much-padded doublet and drew out what looked like a chapbook or pamphlet "This is a copy of the Gospel according to the blessed St. John, as translated by my ain scholars presently at work on my command to translate all Holy Writ to your English tongue," he explained. "Maybe it will no' be precisely the same wording as your Vicar's version, mind-but och, likely it will be near enough." Opening the pamphlet, James cleared his throat, and read: " 'There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.' "

  Everyone in the room but the King and her father, watched the slight, pale-faced and rather plain young woman. She revealed no reaction.

  "My lord-may it please Your Worship, that is not the same words as Vicar reads," the saddler declared, in some agitation now.

  "No? Och-you're right, man. You're right. Waesucks-by a mischance I read the wrang bit. Yon's the sixth verse, no' the first Aye, well-here's the first: 'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…' "

  The King got thus far when the girl uttered a high moaning noise through her clenched teeth. Rising on her toes, her eyes upturned so that only the whites showed, she began to shake, with great sobbing spasms, arms and legs twitching. Her father caught her as she commenced to keel over and others came to her aid. James stopped reading.

  "Maist interesting," he observed. "Och aye, very sad. Lay the lassie on this table, so I can hae a bit look at her."

  Held upright between a Yeoman and her father, the young woman had stopped moaning, and her eyes came back to normal.

  "Sir King," Selby said, "she will be herself again in a moment No need to he her down."

  As though to prove her father's knowledge, the girl seemed to relax, then stood upright and looked about her, paler than ever but seemingly herself again.

  "Sakes-that was right expeditious!" the monarch exclaimed, as though highly impressed. "She's a' right, the lassie? Nane the waur? Yon's remarkable." And without pause or any change of intonation, he went on reading the Gospel, the same verse as previously.

  Promptly Kate Selby's moanings and twitchings and shakings started again, and she went rigid more swiftly.

  The King stopped. "A notable possession," he commented. 'Possession, aye. But the question is-whose possession? The Devil's. This Nell Carter's? Or the lassie's ain?" That was a general enquiry, which no one apparently felt competent to answer.

  The young woman took a little longer to recover, this time. James looked rather anxiously at the timepiece on the wall.

  As soon as the sufferer seemed approximately in her right mind again, the King addressed her. "You a' right, lassie? You need to sit doon? No? Right trying for you, heh? Aye-trying!" He chuckled. "Well, now-let me see." And again without pause, having turned over the pamphlet in his hands, he read something written in ink on the back. This turned out to be a mere babblement of strange words. All stared, eyed him askance.

  The rigmarole ended and the King looked up, great eyes gleaming. "Sure you are a' right lassie?" he repeated. "Nae mair dwaums, nor yet pains? You're fine, again? Good. Aye, very good." He rose to his feet. "Then that is a', my lords and friends. Case dismissed. The lassie's no' bewitched. She's just fell clever-like her faither. But no' clever enough. Nae Devil possession there-save maybe the devil o' greed and malice! For I've just read the first verse o' the first chapter o' the Gospel o' St. John in Greek-and she didna turn a hair! Dinna tell me that Auld Horny doesna ken the Greek, when he hears it! Na, na-I'm no' to be made a fool o' by the likes o' these. T
ak them awa! – their ain magistrates to reward them suitably, aye suitably. For disponing fause evidence and wasting my royal time. Aye-and release yon purr crittur, Nell Carter or Hives, and gie her the solatium o' twenty-four pounds against this Selby, see you. Now -your airm, Geordie. And yours, Vicky. My lords, we'll leave you for a space. Two-three minutes just bide you here-and we'll hae the outcome o' the other case to consider. O' the closed up Mistress Colt!"

  Although supported on his two friends' arms, his stick left on the table, there was no question but that it was James who was conducting-and hastening-the Duke and Heriot out of the chamber, along the corridor, down a short passage and into another and smaller room. "Yon took longer than I jaloused," he confided, in a stage whisper. He detached one arm, put a grimy finger to his lips, and began to tip-toe totteringly, a picture of elaborate secrecy and conspiracy. They all heard the sound of feminine giggling. "Ha!" the monarch said.

  The little room was panelled, but the far wall was hung with arras. James tip-toed over to this and with great care drew aside a fold of the hanging. A slant of light was revealed. There was another hanging or curtain behind, beyond which was daylight. Clearly here was a doorway, open, between one room and another, screened only by double arras. Drawing the cloth further, the King peered round, at an angle.

  "A-a-ah! We're no' too late, after a'," he whispered. "My, oh my-interesting!"

  The giggling rose to a whinnying, punctuated by a series of breathless hut distinctly formal protests.

  "Philip's doing fine-even if he's been a mite slow," Majesty reported. "He's got one hand up, and one doon. Aye-she's well formed, the crittur. Plump. Hae a bit look, Geordie."

  James did not move aside from his viewpoint, so Heriot had to crouch down and peer from below. He saw a bedchamber in some disorder, clothing scattered on the floor, wine and flagons on a table, with one beaker spilt, one of Montgomery's high-heeled shoes beside it The owner thereof was stark naked, sitting on the edge of the bed, with Mistress Colt lying slantwise half-across him, on her back. The clothes on the floor were certainly mostly his, for the lady had managed to retain hers, even though less than staidly arranged. Her skirts in fact were rucked high, displaying lengths of well-rounded white thighs, distinctly massive, and her bodice was open to the waist, large breasts escaped- though not from her companion's attentions.