Unfaded

by Julie Johnson

  As if I’d ever be upset about her touching me, under any circumstances. As if I haven’t missed the addictive feeling of her skin far more than the pills or the whiskey or any other vice on this earth.

  The loss of contact hits me like a punch to the stomach, but I paste a smile on my lips and settle by her side, leaving a careful margin of space between our bodies. I try not to look directly into the cameras as they pan from stage left to right, zooming in on our faces for a close-up from every angle imaginable. The crowd continues to scream their support until Eileen gestures for silence.

  “Well, well, well! I guess I’m not the only one excited to see Wildwood back together after all this time!” she exclaims, grinning broadly. “Welcome back to the show, Felicity and Ryder! I’m so thrilled to have you here.”

  My smirk drips with charm. “It’s great to be back, Eileen.”

  “Back in LA, back on the show… or back together?” Her eyebrows waggle suggestively. “Come on, we’re dying to know more about this reunion! Aren’t we, folks?”

  The audience screams their agreement. From the corner of my eye, I see Felicity’s hands are clenched in a white-knuckled grip. Her face bears an easy grin, though — from a distance, you’d never know how nervous she is.

  “Eileen, we just sat down! ” I laugh as though it’s all one big joke. “Give us a minute before the interrogation starts, will you?”

  “All right, all right. Can’t fault a girl for trying to get some answers after two years in the dark.” She winks playfully. “You know, it’s a point of pride for me — I was the first interview you two ever did, when you got to Hollywood. Do you remember?”

  “Of course we do,” Felicity chimes in, smiling through her nerves. Her voice drops to a conspiratorial whisper. “You never forget your first, Eileen.”

  The crowd roars at the innuendo, but the humor is lost on me as I’m flooded with memories without warning. Her first time. Moonlight and music in a dusty bedroom above a bar. A split lip and scribbled lyrics. Her spine arching under my touch. My head buried between her legs. Her lips wrapped around my cock as my fingers fisted in her hair.

  Fuck.

  I shift uncomfortably in my seat, an inconvenient erection suddenly straining against my zipper. It takes all my energy to focus on the words coming out of Felicity’s mouth instead of the things I’d like to do to it, alone with her in the dark.

  Christ. I’m worse than a fifteen-year-old kid with a crush.

  “Jokes aside, we’re so happy to be back here in LA — back with all of you!” Felicity beams out at the crowd and they beam right back. “I know it’s been a long time in the making, but we hope y’all will come out to see us on tour!”

  “Ah, yes, the tour!” Eileen jumps on the topic. “So exciting. Tell us about it, Felicity.”

  “Well, we’re on the road for four months, hitting twenty-five cities all across the country. It’s going to be great.”

  “And it leaves soon, isn’t that right?”

  “In just under two weeks,” I confirm, breathing harder than usual as I try to rein in the desire galloping through my veins. “Our first show is right here in LA, then we’ll work our way east, hitting all the major cities.”

  “Any shows you’re particularly excited for?”

  I glance at Felicity at the same moment she looks over at me. Without saying a word, I know exactly what she’s thinking.

  “Nashville,” we say in unison.

  The crowd releases a big awwwww.

  “Your hometown, where you first met! If that isn’t the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard…” Eileen says, pretending to dab at a non-existent tear. “You two are just as adorable as you were two years ago!”

  “I don’t know about that,” Felicity murmurs, red staining her cheeks.

  “You are! You are. I can’t wait to see you sing live in concert. I’ve already got tickets to your first show.” She looks out at the crowd, a playful grin on her lips. “Actually, I may’ve bought a few extras… I’m thrilled to announce, everyone in the audience today will receive free tickets to attend the very first show on Wildwood’s tour, two weeks from tomorrow at the Rose Bowl! Isn’t that exciting?”

  There’s an explosion of sound as the crowd reacts — jumping up and down in their seats, screaming at the top of their lungs, waving their signs madly.

  Smiling wide, we thank Eileen for her generosity.

  “No need to thank me, I’m thrilled to do it!” She turns her full attention to Felicity, focus zooming in like the cameras that swivel around on tracks, capturing our every expression. “So, Felicity, darling… I must know what it’s like, being the only girl in the band. You get to spend every day surrounded by not one, not two, but three gorgeous guys. What’s that like?”

  “Loud,” Felicity says succinctly, eliciting a chuckle from the audience.

  But Eileen isn’t letting her off that easy. “Come now, give us some juicy details! Show us the dirt! Let us in on the glamorous life of a rockstar on the road!”

  “Oh… you mean the glamorous reality of me and three snoring boys on a cramped tour bus for four months? I’ve got a feeling life on the road isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, Eileen!” Felicity laughs, melodic and pure.

  God, I’ve missed that sound.

  There’s a certain irony that someone who hates the spotlight so much is so damn good at basking in it. She’s so effortlessly charming. The crowd eats up her every word like they’ve been starving for the past two years without them.

  I know the feeling.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, don’t listen to a word she says,” I protest, a teasing edge to my voice. “Everyone knows Felicity snores the loudest of anyone in Wildwood.”

  She spins toward me, gasping. “I do not snore! Take that back!”

  My grin is taunting. “Sorry, baby. You wouldn’t want to make a liar out of me, now would you?”

  She shoves playfully at my arm and I dodge her strike with ease. We sit there grinning at each other like idiots until Eileen clears her throat.

  “Yes, yes, we’re still here,” she says wryly, when we tear our gazes back over to her. “Though you two were quite lost in your own little world.”

  The audience laughs.

  Felicity’s cheeks heat. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize! We love seeing the two of you so happy.” A gleam of intent creeps into Eileen’s gaze. “Especially after all you’ve been through… both as a couple and then on your own…”

  A somber silence descends.

  Here it comes.

  “Ryder, we’ll start with you.” Eileen’s face is the picture of compassion. As though this line of questioning is for my mental health, not a ratings boost. “I think it’s safe to say, we all saw you struggling in the months after the album first came out. You had a few arrests, some incidents with addiction… Is that something you’d like to address?”

  I feel Felicity go tense at my side.

  I grit my teeth in something I hope resembles a smile. “You know, Eileen, I’m not perfect. I’ve certainly made my fair share of mistakes. But everyone goes through ups and downs in life. You don’t get to stay at the top of the peak forever. Valleys are inevitable.” I pull in a breath, staring out at the rapt crowd as I make my confession. “I hit a pretty low valley about a year ago. Now, I’m just trying to climb my way back to where I was before. The ascent is slow, one step at a time, but I’m trying. That’s all anyone can do — wake up in the morning, stare at that summit above of you, and give it your best shot.”

  People in the crowd are nodding. A few women in the front row appear to be crying.

  “So…” Eileen’s voice is soft. “Does that mean you’re sober?”

  I nod. “Over six months without a drink or a drug.”

  The audience starts to applaud, cheering for me. Someone screams “WE LOVE YOU, RYDER!” at the top of their lungs. For their benefit, I attempt to look gracious and humble, but all I can think about is the girl sitting
by my side, who’s been listening to my every word with hyper-intense focus. Clearly, my sobriety is as much news to her as it is the rest of the world.

  Does she care that I’m not using, anymore?

  My teeth clench to keep from glancing over at her. I wish I knew what she was thinking; wish I could look inside her mind, see past those fortresses that guard her heart.

  Does it matter at all that I’m trying my damndest to be the man she always thought I was?

  Eileen’s clapping tapers off, and the room follows suit. “Congratulations on your recovery, Ryder, that’s truly wonderful news. We’re certainly all rooting for your health and happiness.” Her gaze darts to Felicity. “Now, I wouldn’t be very good at my job if I didn’t ask whether your sudden disappearance from public life was at all related to Ryder’s struggles?”

  Felicity forces a stiff smile. “Like Ryder said — life has its peaks and valleys. We all deal with those altitude changes in our own unique way. I was sorting out some of my own issues, and I chose to do that in private, out of the spotlight.” She pauses carefully. “Strange as it may sound, I’ve never been great at being the center of attention.”

  “Nonsense!” Eileen objects. “You’re a natural! A born star!”

  Felicity shakes her head. “At the end of the day… I’m just a normal girl who wants a quiet life. That’s what I’ve always wanted.”

  The numb ache inside my chest plummets a few degrees.

  “But your grandmother, rest her soul, was Bethany Hayes — one of the brightest stars in country music,” Eileen points out. “You could say fame is in your blood, Felicity. Don’t you think you have an obligation to honor her, by continuing that legacy?”

  Felicity’s eyes start to gloss over with tears at the mention of her Gran. The sight makes me want to pull her into my arms, to crush her against my chest and give her the comfort she so desperately needs.

  “I…” She swallows hard. “I don’t…”

  When I see Eileen’s mouth opening, preparing to launch another strike, my protective instincts roar to life.

  “Felicity honors her grandmother’s legacy every day, simply by being who she is — someone kind and compassionate, with quiet resilience and an inner strength anyone could admire. She may insist she’s a normal girl, but I’m telling you — there’s nothing remotely ordinary about her. She is a star, and that holds true whether or not she ever sings another note.”

  There’s a moment of absolute silence in the studio before the crowd erupts in enthusiastic cheers. I don’t dare look over at Felicity; I keep my eyes on Eileen, waiting to see how she’ll react now that I’ve cut off her line of interrogation.

  “Right you are, Ryder. Right you are.” Her lips purse with annoyance, but she’s smart enough to back off. “Thank you both so much for opening up. I think I speak for everyone in the crowd today, and everyone at home watching, when I tell you we’re so happy you’ve found your way back into our lives.” Pausing intently, Eileen reaches out and squeezes Felicity’s hand. “But, can you tell us… how exactly did you find your way back into each other’s lives?”

  Well, Eileen, after Route 66 threatened to sue for millions…

  I see Felicity floundering for an answer, and I smoothly cut in. “The music, of course. It’s what brought us together in the first place, and it’s what brought us back into contact recently.” I strive for a sincere tone. “Whether we’re on stage singing or a thousand miles apart… we’ll always have the music.”

  “Apart?” Eileen pounces on the word. “Does that mean… are you saying… you two aren’t together?”

  My jaw clenches. “Well—”

  “In a way, we’ll always be together as long as we’re connected by the band,” Felicity interrupts. “But… No, it’s not romantic between us anymore. We’re better off as friends than we ever were as a couple.”

  There’s a hiss from the crowd — several hundred people sucking in their breath all at once.

  Myself included.

  Felicity’s voice quivers. “I mean, there’s usually a reason things fall apart, right?”

  I nod in agreement, as though a she hasn’t just ripped my fucking heart out.

  Her hands are tight fists, but her tone is light. “Neither of us wants to make the same mistakes we did before.”

  She thinks we were a mistake.

  “Oh, you two!” Eileen exclaims, a hand thrown over her heart as her eyes flip back and forth between us. “You must know, you’re breaking hearts all over America, right now!”

  “I’m sorry!” Felicity’s lips twist in a smile, but it’s got a sad edge. “But even if we aren’t together, we’re still the same old Wildwood.”

  “Ryder, you’re suspiciously quiet over there,” Eileen says, eyes narrowed. “Anything to add? Or are you perhaps not totally on board with Felicity’s just friends stance?”

  The whole room holds their breath, waiting for me to contradict her. Felicity’s head whips in my direction. I can see the plea in her eyes, burning bright on the surface of her irises.

  A normal girl.

  A quiet life.

  That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

  My Adam’s apple bobs roughly as I hold her stare. As I realize, despite what I might want, despite my plans to win her over… I can’t force her back into this. I can’t put my nightingale in a cage and expect her to sing. Even if the thought of letting her fly away is enough to make the blood turn to ice inside my veins.

  “Ryder?” Eileen prompts. “Is there any chance for a romantic reunion in the future?”

  I can do this.

  I can sell this lie.

  Even if it fucking kills me.

  “Felicity’s right.” My jaw clenches hard enough to crack my teeth. “I’m sorry to disappoint y’all, but we’re just friends. We’re… we’re over.”

  There’s a hush blanketing the entire room.

  “Wow… I can honestly say, I was not expecting this.” Eileen leans back in her chair, expelling a deep breath and looking around at the audience. “Are you guys as bummed as I am?”

  They cheer, boo, and catcall, quite vocal in their objection. The idea of their beloved Wildwood back together for a tour… but not together… The thought of us reunited in every way except the one that counts most…

  It’s damn near enough to start a riot.

  Eileen signals for quiet three separate times before they finally simmer down. Her lips twist as she examines the two of us with shrewd eyes. “See what you’ve done, now?”

  Felicity shifts uncomfortably.

  I clench my teeth together.

  “I suppose the only way you’ll be able to fix all those hearts you’ve just broken is by playing one of your songs…” Eileen makes a tsk noise with her lips as she looks out at the crowd. “I’m ready to hear these two sing! Anyone else?”

  They cheer, but it’s clear the mood of the room has shifted. Their unbounded happiness at seeing us back together is now laced through with bitter disappointment. The fairy tale they came here for is looking more like a tragedy — no happy endings in sight.

  The block of ice inside my chest, the one that started to thaw when Felicity wrapped her hand around mine earlier, feels colder than ever as we rise to our feet and cross to our spots at the microphones.

  I’m hers. I’ll always be hers.

  But she’s not mine anymore.

  Though I know it’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever done — harder than turning my back on my parents, harder than making amends, harder than getting sober — if walking away is truly what she wants…

  I won’t fight her. I won’t force her.

  I love her enough to let her go.

  Chapter Eleven

  felicity

  We’re over.

  It’s what I’ve been telling myself for two years — and what I told him, that first night we saw each other again. So why is it so damn painful to hear those words coming from Ryder’s mouth? Why do I suddenly feel out of breat
h as we take our places at the microphones on stage left, adjusting the guitar strap over my shoulder with shaky fingers?

  I keep my eyes directed out at the crowd as we start to play, strumming the song that first made us famous. Maybe it’s the magic of this particular track, maybe it’s the fact that we’re doing it acoustic, without Linc or Aiden to back us up… I can’t say with certainty. But when the first verse starts, when his voice begins to rasp out, I find I can’t keep up the careful wall between us the way I’ve done during rehearsals with the guys. I can’t sing like he’s a stranger.

  My guards fall away as my eyes lock on his. The air thrums with the heavy baggage of our past, the broken promise of our future.

  And Ryder sings.

  Saw you in the crowd the other day

  You were ten years older, ten years colder

  When your gaze wandered my way…

  His orbit is too strong… and I’m a star untethered, being pulled in by his gravity with every note and chord. Somehow, I force my lips to form the words, the verse tumbling from my mouth like teardrops down cheeks.

  Wish that I could tell you that you’re hated

  All those tears I cried, ‘cause you never tried

  And still, for years, I waited…

  We hit the bridge and the audience joins in, dozens of voices adding their weight to ours, but I barely hear them. I’m caught up in the man beside me as our voices meld together in perfect harmony.

  ’Cause love don’t burn out, even though you’re gone

  And hate don’t come just ‘cause you write it in a song.

  Two years later, the lyrics hold haunting new relevance.

  Sure it’s sad but it isn’t complicated…

  You’re my only memory that never faded…

  You never faded… Oh…