The Water Witch Cozy Mystery Boxed Set: Four Book Paranormal Cozy Mystery Anthology (Sam Short Boxed Sets 1)

by Sam Short

  Water Witch was written in large letters in a scrolling font, and beneath it in a plainer font — Floating emporium of magick.

  "It looks lovely, dear," said Veronica, as I opened the door and led her down into the shop section.

  "Willow, would you get Veronica a seat, please. I'll make her a cup of tea and check on Rosie, she's probably cowering in a corner somewhere. She's terrified of Mabel," I said.

  Leaving Willow to make Veronica comfortable, I found Rosie hiding behind a wicker chair and cheered her up with a bowl of food. "You should stick up for yourself, Rosie," I said. "Granny may have made Mabel act like a dog, but she can't hurt you. She's all bark and no bite. Literally."

  Rosie ignored me and got on with the important job of emptying her food bowl as I made Veronica some tea. A knock on the window behind me made me jump, and I turned around to see Susie staring down at me, a big smile on her face, and her blond hair swept back in a ponytail. She held up two bottles of wine and grinned. Never mind. I liked my elderberry wine, and if she wasn't drinking it there was more for me, and Willow — now she was old enough to drink.

  "Come in," I shouted, "Veronica and Willow are in the shop."

  With a cup of tea for Veronica, I made my way along the boat. Willow had set up my consulting table in the narrow space between the shelves on both hull walls, and Veronica was seated on one side of the small round table, with an empty seat ready for me on the other side. My smallest cast iron cauldron was in the middle of the table, on top of the small gas camping stove that I'd painted black with silver stars. People expected a show when they came to my shop for a potion, and painting the stove was the first thing I'd done.

  Willow and Susie were behind Veronica, sitting tightly squeezed together on the steps that led onto the bow deck, and both had smiles on their faces. They enjoyed watching me make fake magic, and I was sure they were just as inquisitive as I was about what sort of potion Veronica wanted for Ron.

  "Here's your tea," I said, handing Veronica the cup and saucer. "It's nice and sweet. Now... what can I help you with?"

  Veronica looked over her shoulder at Willow and Susie, and then back at me. "Nothing I say will leave this boat?"

  "You have my word," I said, as Willow and Susie made their promises too.

  Veronica took a sip of tea and placed the cup back on the saucer. "Well, it's Ron," she said. "You know I told you he was doing all that exercise?"

  I nodded.

  "It's taking it out of him, Penelope... in other ways."

  "Go on," I said.

  Veronica bit her bottom lip, leaving a smudge of bright red lipstick on her teeth. "How do I put this?" she said. "He's having problems with... he's struggling to..."

  "Yes?" I urged.

  She sighed. "Snoopy won't sit up and beg."

  I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "Snoopy won't what?"

  She clasped her hands together and looked me in the eyes. "Ron's little guardsman won't stand to attention, Penelope."

  Willow and Susie shook with suppressed laughter, and I struggled to breathe. "So, you need a passion potion?"

  "Will that put lead in his pencil?"

  "I can't promise anything, Veronica," I said. "All I can do is try. Passion is a very tricky thing. Maybe I can add something that will help him get more rest too, maybe he's tired out after all his weight lifting? That won't help matters."

  "Yes!" said Veronica, her eyes lighting up. "Then if it works, he can do his duty and go straight to sleep. I won't have to listen to his boring war stories!"

  Willow dug her face into Susie's shoulder, but I could still hear her muffled laughter.

  "Oooh," teased Susie. "You like the soldiers do you, Veronica?"

  Veronica turned to look at her. "He was a tank driver in the Royal Armoured Corps. You should see his photos. If you think he's hunky now, you should see how he looked back then!"

  "I bet he was a dreamboat," I said, moving things along. "One passion and sleeping potion it is."

  I took the wand I used to impress customers from behind the sales counter. "I just need to cast my circle and we can begin."

  "Of course," said Veronica, facing me again.

  Spinning in a circle, with the wand extended as far as I could manage in the confined space, I said a few words that people expected from witches, and invited the four earthly elements into the circle. "Okay, now we can brew the potion," I said. "The circle is cast."

  Veronica watched me intently as I gathered a few herbs from the shelves and dropped them in the cauldron. "What's that?" she said, as I sprinkled a powder onto the concoction.

  I added some spring water to the mix and fired up the gas stove. "Oriental pine pollen," I said. "It's very potent. It's sure to help."

  Veronica looked impressed. "This is exciting," she said.

  I sat down again and stirred the potion with a copper spoon, moving my face closer to the cauldron as I spoke in hushed tones. "Strong as a lion, hard as a rock, Goddess give Ron a rigid — "

  Veronica gulped, and Willow and Susie shook in each other's arms, their faces bright red and tears on their cheeks.

  " — libido and sleep schedule," I continued, aware of Veronica's obvious disappointment.

  Veronica licked her lips. "Oh my," she said. "I can't wait to test it out."

  "You be sure to tell Ron," I said. "It won't work if the person it's meant for doesn't know he's taking it. Witchcraft isn't about tricking people. Don't go slipping it into his drink without warning him."

  Willow rolled her eyes at me, but I didn't take any notice, most of my customers thought witchcraft was just about spirituality — they didn't really expect magic to happen. I wasn't tricking anyone. Anyway, the herbs I'd used had scientifically proven effects on the human body, and I'd had some great feedback from happy customers in the past.

  "I promise. Ron will be just as happy as I'll be if it works, believe me," said Veronica, with a knowing wink.

  I took a small glass bottle from a shelf and pulled out the cork stopper. "Just a teaspoon or two at a time," I warned, ladling the potion into the bottle.

  "You have my word," said Veronica, pulling her purse from her bag. "How much do I owe you?"

  I shook my head. "Not a penny," I said, handing her the bottle. "I wouldn't dream of charging you after what Mabel put you through."

  "Well, you know what they say, don't look in a horse's mouth."

  "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," I corrected.

  Veronica put the potion in her bag. "Yes, that's it. Thank you, Penelope. I'm going straight back to the home now. There's a little party on tonight for the residents and their families. This potion's sure to work when Ron's had a few brandies."

  Susie led Veronica off the boat as I tidied up the shop. "Take care, Veronica," I called, as she shouted goodbye. "Enjoy the party!"

  "And the after party," giggled Willow.

  I raised my eyebrows. "At least their having fun. It could be worse."

  "True," said Willow. She looked around the shop. "I am jealous of you, Penny. I'd love to live on a boat."

  "You wouldn't be saying that if you'd been frozen in place for a week, waiting for the canal to thaw out so you could go and buy some more coal for the fire." I said, shuddering at the memory.

  "I'm sure the good times outweigh the bad."

  She was right of course. "Yes, I've had some wonderful experiences. Speaking of which, let's set the barbecue up on the bank, and drink wine with our feet dipped in the water." Willow's face dropped. "I'm sorry, I forgot," I said. "You can still dip them in the water though. You don't need to hide them from Susie, she's seen far worse than that since she's known our family secret."

  "Far worse than what?" said Susie, stepping down into the shop.

  "Granny shrank my feet," said Willow. "It was an accident, sort of. She was trying to shrink my boobs."

  Susie laughed. "I'd keep them hidden for the moment," she said. "I've just seen a mop of ginger hair on a very tall man co
ming through the woods."

  "Told you he likes you," said Willow, grinning.

  "Barney likes you?" said Susie. "That's news to me."

  "Me too," I said. "It's a fantasy that Willow and Granny have cooked up. Come on, let's see what he wants."

  Chapter Five

  Barney took long swaggering strides across the grass with a big smile on his face. He was still in his uniform, but I doubted it was a police related matter he was there to see me about.

  His hair was quite fabulous I supposed — very ginger, and a lot of it, matching the freckles that spattered his face. His uniform was as ill-fitting as ever, with his trousers riding high on his boots, and his short shirt sleeves far too big for his thin arms. The stab proof jacket he wore looked four sizes too big, and I hid a smile as he stopped in front of me. "I hope you don't mind me popping down to see you, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. It must be scary down here on your own."

  "I'm not on my own tonight, obviously," I said, looking at Willow and Susie. "But even if I was, I'm used to it. I've been moored up in the middle of nowhere on my own, and I did just fine without a policeman to look after me, thank you very much."

  Barney blushed, and guilt sucker punched me. It wasn't that I didn't like Barney, it was just that I didn't want more fuel to be added to Granny and Willow's gossip fire. "Thanks for looking in on me though, and thanks for mowing the grass. I really appreciate it."

  "Just trying to be helpful to the resident witch. I want to keep on your good side, I don't want to be turned into a frog or something," he joked.

  "It was really kind of you, Barney," I said.

  Barney looked at Susie and Willow who were in the process of lighting the barbecue, whilst obviously listening to our conversation. "Having a barbecue, huh?"

  "Yes," I said. Barney's deductive police skills were on top form as always.

  "Food tastes so much better when it's cooked outdoors, doesn't it?" he said, licking his lips.

  "Would you like to stay for some, Barney?" said Willow, much to my annoyance. "We've got steak, burgers, and sausages."

  "And salad," said Susie.

  "And salad," confirmed Willow, placing some plates and cutlery on one of the tables. "If you like that sort of thing."

  "I don't suppose he can," I said, turning away from Barney so he couldn't see me scowling at my sister. "He's on duty."

  "I've finished actually," he said. "I'm on standby tonight, so I can't have any of that wine," he said, as Susie opened a bottle. "But I could really tackle a steak. And maybe a sausage. Or two. And a handful of salad. Maybe a bread roll too."

  "Well that settles it," said Willow. "You're staying for dinner, Barney. Would you like to cook it? I know men are better at barbecues than women, and you can't get more manly than a policeman."

  Maybe Mum had been right about Willow. She did seem to be pushing her devil's dumplings out a little too far. Or maybe it was just the way she was standing — her feet were at very odd angles, and she seemed to be having trouble balancing again.

  Barney slipped his stab jacket off and removed his clip-on tie, laying them on the table with his police radio next to them. I hoped that clip on ties were standard police uniform and not a reflection on Barney's dressing skills. "I'd love to cook for you ladies," he gushed, puffing his chest out.

  I shrugged. "Right, well I suppose I'll have a drink. Willow would you come into the boat and help me get some of my homemade wine, please?" I said, narrowing my eyes at her.

  "Of course," said Willow, smirking.

  "Are you okay, Willow?" said Barney, as my sister followed me to the boat. "You're limping."

  "Athlete's foot," I said. "She sweats a lot."

  Barney raised his eyebrows and blushed again. "Oh, sorry to hear that, Willow. I wasn't trying to be nosy."

  "Don't listen to my sister, Police Constable Dobkins," said Willow. "She's pulling your leg. I hurt myself doing gymnastics. I can get my leg right around the back of my head, and I pulled a few muscles practising last night, that's all. Shall I show you how I do it? I'll have to put some smaller shorts on, but I'm sure Penny's got some I can borrow."

  Barney blushed yet again. "No, it's okay," he mumbled. "How does everyone like their steaks? Well done or rare?"

  "As they come," I said. "Come on, Willow. Let's go and get that wine."

  "What are you playing at?" I said, as soon as we were in the boat and out of earshot. "Men are better at barbecues. I can get my leg behind my head."

  Willow giggled as I followed her to the galley kitchen. "I'm just teasing him," she said. "It's obvious he likes you and you're just being a bit... bitchy to him. I was lightening the mood, and I'd stopped until you told him I had athlete's foot!"

  "I was not bitchy!"

  "You were."

  I sighed. "I suppose I was, wasn't I?" I grabbed two bottles of wine from the rack on the counter. "You know I don't deal well with male attention, Willow. I'm not as confident as you are."

  "You should be. You're beautiful, clever, and look what you've done for yourself. Not many people could make an inheritance the size Grandad left for you go this far. I'll probably waste mine when I reach twenty-one, but you own a floating shop which you live in for heaven's sake! How cool is that?"

  "It is pretty cool, isn't it?" I said, looking around at the cramped but cosy surroundings. "It's not like everybody can have a different view from their kitchen window whenever they fancy a change."

  "Precisely, and as for me telling Barney that men are better at barbecues... what would you prefer? Slaving over hot charcoal, or sipping wine while somebody cooks for you?"

  "The latter," I smiled.

  "There we are then. I just massaged his ego a little, come on, let's get back out there and see how many more times he blushes tonight!"

  We giggled as I opened the double shutters that were half way along the hull on the bank-side of the boat. They doubled as a third doorway onto the Water Witch, and a folding set of steps allowed us to climb out of the boat. I switched the radio on, giving us some background music, and helped Willow up the steps. She'd almost perfected the wooden insoles, and negotiated the journey from the belly of the boat onto dry land almost flawlessly.

  "What's so funny?" said Susie, laying on her back on the grass with a glass of wine in her hand. "I heard you laughing."

  Willow sat next to her. "We were just saying how nice it was to have a man cook for us."

  Barney flipped a steak, his face made even redder than normal by the heat of the coals. "Pass me some plates. You're about to find out if your trust in me was warranted."

  "Everything looks lovely, Barney," I said. "Thank you."

  Willow gave me an approving nod. "No salad for me, Barney. Just meat and a bread roll, please."

  We sat in a semi-circle on the grass as we ate and drank. Barney had cooked the meat to perfection, and we hardly spoke as we devoured our meals, watching the colours reflecting on the water as the sun began to set.

  A shy otter made an appearance on the opposite bank, but vanished as Mabel returned to the mooring and joined us on the grass, pecking at the pieces of food we'd dropped. Mabel had been quite the celebrity when the newspapers had dug their teeth into the story of the barking goose, and local people had become accustomed to spotting her on the canals and towpaths. People still found her fascinating though, and Barney spent ten minutes training her to roll over in return for a small piece of sausage.

  Rosie had dared to make an appearance at one point, and sat on the roof of the boat, staring at Mabel with hatred as she ate the treats Barney offered her. I'd grabbed the last of my burger and passed it to her, stroking her as she mewled her thanks, promising her that Mabel couldn't hurt her.

  Time passed quickly, and with two empty bottles of wine on the grass, and a coffee cup next to Barney, we chatted and listened to the radio in the glow of the lights from the boat. Sitting next to the Water Witch with the warm breeze in the trees behind me, the water lapping agai
nst the boat, and my bed a few meters away, was the reason I'd decided to live on the water, and I lay back contentedly as I listened to Barney telling us about his days' work.

  "I've been trusted with a big case," he said, "Sam Hedgewick has been receiving threats. The Sergeant put me in charge. I've got to interview a few suspects tomorrow, although that's going to take some time — he seems to have rubbed a lot of people up the wrong way. He's had emails from over fifteen people."

  "We heard about it," said Susie. "I was going to see if there was a story in it, but I got side-tracked taking photos of all those old cars. I only put them on my website today, and I've already got a classic car magazine asking to buy a few. They want me to cover the show too," she beamed. "I'm spending the day there tomorrow."

  "He's within his rights to sell whatever properties he wants," continued Barney, acknowledging Susie's good news with a smile and a nod. "People can't just threaten him. I'll see to it that he's safe, don't you worry about that."

  I smiled to myself as I imagined Sam's reaction when he found out that Barney was charged with ensuring his safety. Barney tried his best at policing, but was famous for being overpowered by one of the towns hardened criminals — Mavis Henshaw. The eighty-year-old had almost broken Barney's finger with her walking stick when he'd been called to the greengrocers to investigate reports that Mavis had been stealing lychees. Barney had been forced to call for back up, and had never fully lived the incident down.

  "This is Wickford," said Willow. "I'm sure Sam Hedgewick is perfectly safe."

  "Well, he's got me on his six now," boasted Barney, oblivious to our silent giggles.

  "I'm sure he'll sleep well tonight," I said.

  Barney's radio crackled on the table behind us. "P.C Dobkins. Come in."

  Barney leapt to his feet, scaring Mabel, who gave a little whine. "Duty calls," he said grabbing his radio. He spoke into it in a monotone voice. "PC Dobkins here."

  The radio crackled again. "A body's been found. In the canal below the Lock and Key pub. We're treating it as murder."