by Shona Husk
In the end she’d thrown herself into music to drown it out, until recently. She’d met a few women, slept with them and had a good time. But she’d always made it clear that she was moving on, and she never picked up a fan. She didn’t want it reaching the public. She tried not to think about how that would go down.
‘Glad you liked it.’ She shoved her hands into her pockets, well aware she must look an absolute sight with her freshly coloured wet hair, pinned up and partially cut. She wasn’t half as cool as people thought she was. The on stage version of Gemma was a different person.
Kirsten glanced as her. ‘I’m guessing you’ve slept with other women.’
‘A few. You’ve probably slept with more guys…you want to know to know what it’s like?’ Okay, she’d asked the same thing after Kirsten had slept with her boyfriend for the first time; a few months later she’d taken the plunge — even now it was a cringe-worthy memory. He’d gone from kissing to hand in her pants, to trying to stick it in her in under five minutes. She’d had to slow him down and explain that her body took a little longer to get ready. And once she’d been ready, he was done in thirty seconds, leaving her completely unsatisfied.
Kirsten looked away. ‘If it’s too personal…’
‘I could tell you, or I could show you.’ Gemma rocked on her heels. That was probably too much of a challenge. She wanted to take it back before Kirsten could refuse. The silence stretched like a note drawn out thin and fading at the end of a song. ‘Too much?’
A kiss was fine, plenty of girls did that at clubs, thinking it was cool. Few went any further. Kirsten had dipped her toes in and was backing away from the unknown waters. Why did she have to push it?
Gemma started backtracking to save what friendship they had left, as well as her heart. ‘If you want to experiment it shouldn’t be me. We have too much history.’
‘But I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else. It’s you I’ve thought about.’
Gemma sat down, her heart was pounding a little too hard and she was sure she’d misheard. What if this was some kind of joke? The warnings that this was a bad idea were there, but she ignored them. She’d wanted Kirsten for a while, and if she was offering it was too hard to refuse.
‘Are you sure?’
Kirsten nodded. But she looked like a virgin who’d just seen her first erect penis and squeaked ‘it goes where?’ That might’ve just been her.
‘If I want to do more with you, does that make me gay?’ Kirsten’s teeth worried her lower lip.
‘Maybe. Maybe it’s just a thing, a phase or maybe you’re bi. I dunno. Does it matter?’ Gemma glanced up. She hoped that Kirsten didn’t see the hope or fear in her eyes.
She didn’t want to lose Kirsten as a friend and yet she wanted more. Did she really want to be Kirsten’s first female lover? No, she wanted to be Kirsten’s only lover. She remembered feeling jealous of Kirsten’s boyfriends when she was seventeen, and wondering what it would be like to kiss her then, but she’d squashed it. Thought it buried. Now it couldn’t be put away.
Kirsten looked more confused now she was thinking about it. Perhaps telling Kirsten she was gay was a mistake, but she was tired of hiding who she was. She wanted people to know and accept her. The trouble was, Kirsten was now tangled up because of a shared attraction. How long had that existed?
Gemma had no idea when she’d first been attracted to Kirsten. There wasn’t a single moment that she could pinpoint.
The seconds ticked by.
Finally Kirsten spoke. ‘Losing you as a friend hurt more than any boyfriend I’ve broken up with.’
‘Even Lloyd?’ He’d broken Kirsten’s heart at eighteen. Gemma had been there to pick up the pieces, to eat chocolate and watch movies and paint her toenails.
‘Yes, even him. I don’t want to go through that again.’
‘There are no guarantees in life, Kirsten.’ Absolutely none. That was something that had really hit home this year.
‘You won’t hate me if I don’t want to kiss you again?’
‘I won’t hate you…as long as you don’t get weird because we kissed and you liked it.’ A drunk kiss was entirely different to a sober kiss. Plus Kirsten had initiated it this time.
The thought of doing it again made Gemma’s belly tight with nerves and desire. At least they weren’t arguing afterwards this time.
Kirsten looked at her. ‘It was hot…but I don’t know how I feel about that.’
‘You don’t have to know right now.’ It had taken Gemma years to get her head around it and even now only two people knew and they were both in this room. ‘I’m not expecting anything…except that you don’t tell anyone.’
Kirsten stroked Gemma’s cheek. ‘I won’t tell, and when you are ready to tell other people, I’ll be there.’
Gemma turned her head and kissed the inside of Kirsten’s wrist. ‘And when you are ready, I will be.’
Perhaps that was wishful thinking, but she couldn’t imagine anything better than lying in bed with Kirsten.
Chapter 4
The Moore and Moore building was very cool. An old Fremantle icon that had been converted into a sprawling café, bar and entertainment venue, and yet it had kept the character of the building. The brickwork inside had been painted white, but the walls were rough and there were holes where beams would’ve once been. Where the bar was there was old wood flooring. Gemma glanced around. The stage was set up and staff members were moving around getting things ready for the Friday night gig.
Selling the Sun had never played here before. And while doing a home town gig would be nice, she was really glad it was one of the last ones they would be doing for a while — until the summer music festivals kicked off in January — but they would be on midafternoon, before the really big acts. They weren’t exactly big name drawcards — yet. Would they ever be? Once Gemma wouldn’t have doubted that dream.
Still, it would be a buzz playing at a festival instead of being in the crowd. How many times had they stood there and said it would be them one day?
‘Hey, when you get sick of them, I’ll be here.’ Some staffer smiled and winked at her as he walked past carrying a carton of beer.
Fuck off. But she bit her tongue and smiled. He probably thought he was being friendly and funny. Getting upset would not make for a good reputation. They needed people to say how easy they were to work with. Perth was a small place and Australia wasn’t much bigger. Goodwill went a long way. It was amazing how many people thought she was sleeping with the band, or worse, was in the band because she was sleeping with one or all of them. Did they not read the song writing credits?
‘My sister attack your hair?’ Ed walked over to her.
‘Yep.’ And she’d attacked his sister. Kirsten had enjoyed it until she’d stopped to think. There was definitely some weird vibe happening between them, part lust, part freaking out and uncertainty. If Gemma was a guy, Kirsten wouldn’t be hesitating.
She knew those doubts and fears too well. She hugged them close every night. What would people think if they knew? It would be easier if she liked guys — and she’d tried, several times. But the first time she’d kissed a girl, some random in a nightclub, it had felt right. Which had meant that she’d felt wrong for the next two weeks as she fretted about what it all meant. Gradually she’d accepted herself and she’d tried to pretend that she didn’t need anyone else’s approval.
She didn’t…however she didn’t want to risk her job either. She glanced at Ed. He probably wouldn’t be impressed if he knew what was happening between Kirsten and her.
If Kirsten kissing her was some girl on girl experimentation, she was the safe choice. The one who could be trusted while she dabbled. Sadly, that was enough to make her heart flutter with excitement. And when it was over and Kirsten got a boyfriend and got married…where did that leave her?
Still her friend. They’d always be friends. She hoped.
She had to stop expecting the worst.
‘I like your hair.
’ Dan put his arm around her shoulder and smiled. He was very cute. She could appreciate that, but she didn’t want to sleep with him. Her body didn’t tingle when he touched her, and while that look on his face had probably charmed Lisa out of her panties — and God knew how many fans — it did nothing for her.
‘You’d say anything if I agreed to unzip my jeans.’
‘Tell me what to say and I’m yours.’ He placed one hand over his heart.
Gemma flipped a finger at him. ‘I can’t sleep with just one of you, so why don’t we all have one big ménage so you can get it out of your system.’
Ed looked up, a look of sheer horror on his face as if she’d suggested stabbing Dan, which was an option, but he was damn good at writing lyrics. ‘Gemma, you’re like my sister or something.’
‘I was joking, Ed.’ Was that how he really thought of her? Like his kid sister? She didn’t know if she should be relieved or a little weirded out. He was going to freak if she and Kirsten ever got together.
‘Good. No band member is sleeping with another. It causes problems.’ Ed gave Dan a piercing glare.
Dan shrugged and smiled. ‘She knows I’m mucking around.’
‘She is standing right here.’ Dumb ass. ‘Let it go, it’s not fun anymore.’ She was tired of Dan’s come-ons masked as jokes. While she got that Lisa had burned him, she was not rebound girl. Even if she was into guys, she didn’t want be rebound girl. And she didn’t sleep with the band.
Dan turned away, but she saw the hurt in his eyes. All time they spent together playing and talking. They were friends and she liked him as a friend. Lisa had never been keen on her, probably because she shared a part of Dan’s life that she couldn’t touch. She’d have to have a private word with Dan…but did she want to tell him that it really was her, not him?
If she told him, she’d have to tell the others and that was a step she wasn’t ready to take. But she could make the time to talk to Dan.
‘Find yourself a nice girl tonight, I’m sure there’ll be plenty to choose from,’ Ed said.
Weren’t there always. She shook her head. ‘Cause all women want to be used by guys and thrown away like tissues.’
‘Hey, they’re the ones hitting on us.’ Dan brought out the standard defence.
‘You poor helpless things.’ She rolled her eyes and picked up her guitar and tried to think about the job ahead before she said something she couldn’t take back. Was she hitting on Kirsten so hard, Kirsten couldn’t say no? No, Kirsten had suggested the kiss. It was Kirsten who wanted to walk on the other side of the fence and see if she liked the view.
‘Hey, you could have your pick of guys; they’re here to see you,’ Ed said.
She flicked the strings a few more times, getting a little tune happening before looking up at Ed.
‘You know that’s not entirely true, some are here to see you.’ She sung the lines and smiled as sweetly as she could. But Ed had struck a nerve. Some of the guys did come because they liked to see her. If they knew she wasn’t into guys, how would that affect the band?
It was just another reason to keep her preferences quiet.
Mike tapped on the drums. ‘When you lot are finished, we can get through this and enjoy what’s left of the afternoon.’
‘Are we going to trial One Mistake tonight?’ It had been something that she had started, finding the chorus first, and Dan had overheard and finished. It was a little about Kirsten and a lot about Lisa. It was also the last song that she and Dan had written without him trying to ask her out. It was the one song that had been written for the second album that none of them wanted to set fire to. The rest was only good for lining a litter box —although cats had better taste.
Dan looked at her. ‘Why the hell not. It’s not like she’ll show up.’
Kirsten would, but Gemma didn’t mind her hearing it. She might’ve felt different if they weren’t talking.
‘And if the audience hates it, it won’t go on the next album.’ Ed strummed the first few bars of the new song.
‘What happened to Mr Optimism?’ Mike spun a drumstick.
‘“In a bar in Melbourne”,’ Ed replied by singing the first line of the song.
She had no idea if what Dan had done had been in a bar in Melbourne or if it had just worked for the song, but she knew that at the time Dan had been begging for Lisa to come back. Now he didn’t seem to care. But she knew how easy it was to present a different face to the world to protect the real one from hurt.
Kirsten stood near the front of the stage. If Gemma’s brothers were here, she hadn’t seen them. Usually Lisa would be here with her. No more. Dan’s siblings had turned up in support, but these days Selling the Sun didn’t need the family rent-a-crowd. The place was packed.
As she watched, there were none of the nerves or stumbles that had happened in their first few performances. The band had grown up and they played as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Ed and Gemma’s fears of no second album seemed a million miles away. They had to be exaggerating because they looked like the next hottest thing. She smiled and sipped her beer. Around her people were singing along and calling out.
Some guy behind her yelled out between songs. ‘I love you Gemma.’
Gemma smiled and blew him a kiss before switching guitars. Her black jeans were ripped in all the right places, and her singlet tonight was black with silver stars sprayed across her bust. She looked happy and confident — not the same Gemma who had hidden behind her grown-out fringe and confessed that she was gay. Or the same woman who’d kissed her tentatively, but whose eyes had burned with desire.
The Gemma on stage was an act.
Kirsten glanced behind her to the audience. How many of the guys here were looking at Gemma and watching the way her hips moved. Or listening to the lyrics and imagining she was singing to them? In that second she understood why Gemma was so determined to keep her secret, and why she’d kept quiet for so long.
Gemma looked in her direction and smiled. It could’ve been nothing…she didn’t know if Gemma could see her, but Kirsten didn’t care. She liked the idea that the smile had been for her. Perhaps keeping things quiet was a good thing as it would give her a chance to work out what was going on in her mind. Kissing Gemma hadn’t felt wrong. It had been as exciting as kissing any guy for the first, or second, or third, time.
‘This is a little something that we’ve been working on…it might make it onto the second album.’ Ed smiled as he spoke, but she knew him well enough to know that he was uncomfortable. The slight rising of his shoulders and the way his gaze lowered.
The crowd didn’t. They started carrying on like he’d promised them free drinks all night.
So they had been working on a second album and despite Gemma’s claim that everything they were writing sucked, it obviously didn’t if they were willing to play it in public.
‘It’s called One Mistake.’ Ed took a sip of beer and then began to play.
Her brother might have been doing the singing, but there was no doubt what the song was about. She could recognise something that Gemma had written, and while she was sure the others had collaborated, this song was about the kiss that had nearly ended their friendship. She swallowed hard and glanced at Gemma. But Gemma was facing off with Ed as if they were arguing, pleading.
How could she use something so personal when she said she wanted to keep it a secret? She listened more intently, then frowned. No…the song was about Dan and Lisa. About cheating…maybe. Definitely a breakup and the loss that followed.
She was the one reading more into it because she knew them too well. No one else knew the details. The audience seemed to be loving it, picking up the chorus and singing along. Were they thinking of their own heartbreaks?
Kirsten tried to enjoy the music without fretting about the inspiration behind it. Did she want to be the inspiration for songs? It was already too late. If she was with Gemma it was more than just coming out, everything could be opene
d up for public viewing.
When the song ended Ed smiled. ‘You like that one?’
The reply was a thunderous yes.
At least they had one song for their next album. She should be feeling happy for them, not concerned about where the idea had come from. She glanced at Gemma; she was smiling and saying something to Dan. He nodded. From where she stood, it looked like Dan and Gemma were close. Too close. And she knew their relationship wasn’t like that.
Had Lisa really thought Dan and Gemma had something going on or had it been something else?
Selling the Sun launched into one of their most popular songs and Kirsten checked her watch. She had to get up early and open the salon in the morning. There was no way she was staying for the after party, even though she wanted to.
No one wanted their hairdresser smelling of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke after a big night out. She looked at her brother and best friend on stage. No doubt they would be up until the small hours. Or a burst of inspiration would strike and they wouldn’t get to bed at all. Perhaps that was the real reason Lisa had walked away. Music was a part of Gemma’s life that she could see and hear but never be part of. The bonds between the band were relationships with their own secrets and rules.
It wasn’t only being with Gemma that scared her; it was what came with her. She wasn’t sure she was rock star girlfriend material.
Chapter 5
Fremantle on a Saturday afternoon was lovely. The sea breeze was in and the footpaths were crowded. Walking along with Kirsten, it was as if Gemma had never left…except some of the little boutiques had closed. New ones had opened in their place, including one that had a display of very funky shoes in the window. Gemma glanced at her flip-flops. She should splash out and get new shoes.