by Shona Husk
Kirsten tugged her away from the window and toward the ice-creamery.
‘How come you didn’t stay last night?’ After the gig they’d gone to the pub. She’d noticed that while Dan had talked to lots of girls and gotten numbers, he’d gone home by himself. She was pretty sure he was still patching himself together after Lisa. She really needed to talk to him, because he sure as hell wouldn’t talk to anyone else.
‘I had to be at work by eight. Not all of us can stay up late and then sleep in.’ But Kirsten was smiling, teasing her. ‘Want to get ice-cream?’
‘Sure.’ She knew that was why they Kirsten had wanted to walk down South Terrace. They went to the place that did the proper Italian style ice-cream. While trade was busy, most people were buying and getting back outside. They weren’t interested in sitting in a shady shop. In a few more weeks, when the real hot weather hit, it would be a different story.
As they sat down, it was like they were sixteen again. They even had the same flavour ice-cream. Maybe she needed to mix things up a bit. Perhaps her life was actually in a rut and that’s why nothing was moving forward and she couldn’t write.
‘Swap with me.’
‘What?’ Kirsten frowned. ‘We always get these flavours.’
‘Exactly.’ Okay, so it was small and dumb but she needed to do something. While she was busy hiding part of who she was, she’d forgotten to take any chances.
Kirsten handed over her mint choc-chip ice-cream while she handed over her raspberry and chocolate combination. It was her favourite, but never mind. The point was to do something different and find a new favourite.
‘What’s this all about?’ Kirsten took a cautious spoonful.
Gemma shrugged. ‘I need a change.’
‘You could’ve ordered something different. There’s over a dozen flavours.’ She used her spoon to point at the display loaded with a rainbow of ice-cream and gelato flavours.
In all the times she’d been here, she’d only tried four of them. She should make the effort to try them all this summer. ‘I didn’t realise until I sat down that we’re doing the same stuff we did five years ago.’
‘You’re not. You’ve travelled around the country. I’m still working for my mother.’
‘You’re getting paid better.’ Gemma licked, her spoon not entirely sure that swapping was the best of ideas.
Kirsten gave her a filthy look. There was definitely something bothering her today.
‘I thought you liked hairdressing?’
‘I do…but do I like it because it’s what I really wanted to do or because it was there and it was easy and I was good at it?’ Kirsten shrugged and then sighed.
Gemma blinked. She’d never thought Kirsten could be unhappy with what she was doing.
‘I see you having fun on stage and I hear you on the radio and I know you are out there doing what you burned to do, and I’m…I’m cutting hair. I’m boring.’
‘You’re not boring. A boring person wouldn’t have swapped ice-creams with me.’ She grinned. ‘I think you’re lucky, you don’t have to spend every day wondering if you’re working hard enough, if the song is good enough or if people will hate it.’ Maybe Selling the Sun would reach a point where she wouldn’t worry, but when a new single was released she still had a severe attack of nerves.
Gemma took a second spoonful. Mint ice-cream really wasn’t so bad — the choc-chips redeemed it. Perhaps she should colour outside the lines more often. Not that ice-cream was much of a step over the lines.
‘It was supposed to get easier after high school.’ Kirsten said softly.
‘Hell, no. Now we have the whole world to worry about, not just classmates.’ Some of them had been awful. There was always a group who singled out someone and then attacked like a pack of starving sharks. For some reason, in year eight Gemma had been on the receiving end. It hadn’t mattered what she did. Her hair, her clothes, the music she liked, it was all met with condemnation and torment. That had been the year she’d thrown herself into music. Two years later she’d joined Ed, Dan and Mike. If not for the year eight bitches she may not be where she was now…although she wasn’t sure where that was exactly.
Kirsten poked the ice-cream with her spoon. ‘So, any hot groupies last night?’
‘I think your brother behaved.’ She really didn’t want to be discussing Ed’s antics with Kirsten, because ew. It was bad enough that she knew.
‘I meant you.’
‘There’s always a few that catch my eye.’ She smiled and looked at Kirsten, about to say something about seeing her in the crowd, then she saw the look on Kirsten’s face and she knew that wasn’t what Kirsten wanted to hear. ‘I’ve never hooked up with anyone after a show.’
‘How come?’
‘It’s not that easy. The women there aren’t wearing signs that say I like girls. Besides, if I did that then…you know.’ She did not want that getting out, but at the same time she knew that she’d have to say something at some point, otherwise she’d be hiding forever. What if the band lasted for another ten years? She couldn’t do that.
‘But the guys do. Dan did.’
What was Kirsten trying to find out? ‘I don’t know exactly what happened with Dan and Lisa. No one knows except them.’
‘He hasn’t said anything?’
Gemma wrinkled her nose and concentrated on her ice-cream. ‘I don’t want to gossip about what goes on. I don’t think Lisa could deal with the long distance relationship or the lifestyle.’
‘But that song…’
Gemma glanced up. She should’ve expected Kirsten to say something. ‘Dan and I wrote the lyrics on the road. I hadn’t spoken to you in months and he was hurting — things had been bad between them for a while. It’s cathartic getting it down.’
‘He didn’t ask?’
‘He assumed it was about the guy that you and I were allegedly fighting about.’ Everyone thought that she and Kirsten had stopped speaking because of Kirsten’s boyfriend at the time, Craig. ‘You want to tell me about Craig?’ She knew from Ed that Kirsten and Craig had broken up less than a week later.
‘He was a tool.’
Gemma had said that when she’d first met him, there’d been something about him. ‘Aside from that.’
Kirsten took a few bites. ‘He didn’t cheat or anything, but he expected me to be there all the time, even if he was just watching TV. He hated it when I said I had my own stuff to do.’
‘Needy. Ugh.’
‘Exactly.’ Kirsten leaned forward. ‘He also refused to…’ She glanced down. ‘But expected me to.’
‘Oh. Selfish and needy.’ Good combination. And she was glad that Kirsten had given him the flick.
Not that dating a woman was easier. She’d attempted a relationship once before, but it had never quite got off the ground. They’d both been at uni but Teagan had been much more open about her sexuality and she’d been…still was…in hiding. That said, it had been a great couple of months, and after being with Teagan she’d had the courage to go on a couple of dates, although nothing had eventuated. Even back then she’d been trying to keep the different parts of her life separate. Her family, the band, her relationships. It wasn’t working. It was tearing her apart.
Kirsten ate several spoonful’s of ice-cream. Then she sighed and looked at Gemma. ‘I had fun the other evening. It was interesting.’
Gemma stopped eating, not sure what to say to that. It didn’t seem like a joyful admission because Kirsten was frowning like she were uncertain.
‘But I feel like I’m using you to experiment and I don’t like that.’
‘I’m not feeling used. Sex is always an experiment with someone new.’ Her first time with Teagan — who had also been her first female lover — had been all kinds of awkward. ‘Most guys have no idea what they are doing except they want to stick it in somewhere.’
Kirsten snorted and almost choked on her ice-cream. ‘That was Craig.’ She coughed and cleared her throat. ‘Did you want to
do it again?’
‘Are you asking me out?’ Gemma froze; this is what she had wanted, had dreamed of, and yet it felt a little odd. What if it didn’t stop feeling odd?
‘Isn’t that going to be the same as hanging out?’
‘But with the possibility of sex. Say this fizzles, but we still want to be friends, will it be weird?’ If they didn’t go any further, things could still be strained between them. After missing Kirsten for six months, she didn’t want to lose her completely again.
‘It would be like dating, breaking up and remaining friends?’ Kirsten raised one eyebrow.
‘Yes. I don’t speak to any of my exes.’ The boys she’d dated in high school had been more out of obligation and feigned attraction — it would get easier if she kept trying, right? Wrong. She’d been more interested in watching the girls race at the sports carnival than the guys. That had probably been when she’d started to realise she wasn’t like the other girls who’d cooed over what’s-his-name two years above them.
‘I see a few around. It was stranger not having you in my life.’ Kirsten scooped up some ice-cream but didn’t eat it. ‘When did you first realise that you liked me as more than just a friend?’
Gemma shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. I think it was after you’d broken up with Lloyd. I was pissed that he’d hurt you, and I knew I’d never do that. I hope I never do that.’
Kirsten offered her the spoon loaded with raspberry ice-cream.
Gemma licked the ice-cream off the spoon. ‘If I hadn’t have kissed you, would you have ever thought about me that way?’
‘I don’t know. What if it was always there, waiting for someone to flick the switch?’ The way Kirsten looked at her, Gemma was willing to believe it was more than temporary insanity or the need to mix things up.
Perhaps it would work out between them. That was the trouble with dating, there was no assurance that it would work out — she simply had to look at Dan to see that. Part of her didn’t want to risk being hurt, and Kirsten could hurt her badly, but the rest of her wanted to grab hold of the chance and run with it. That’s what she usually did. She jumped and hoped everything would fall into place. It was Kirsten who was usually the cautious one.
‘I’d say come round to my place, but the horde is there.’ She wondered how much longer her brothers would manage before needing more space. They were the three reasons she’d spent much of her free time at the Vincents’ as a teen. It was only Ed and Kirsten, and Ed had moved out — briefly — before moving back in because it was cheaper. They were broke most of the time before signing the record deal. Hell, they were only slightly less broke now.
Dan was crashing with Mike, who did have his own place. Ed was back at home and she was drifting around trying to spend as little time at home as possible.
Her life was fast becoming a comic shambles. If it was someone else, she’d be laughing.
At some point they either became a success or they became grown-ups with real jobs. She had a meeting with the dean next week. Hopefully she could come to some arrangement regarding her rather pathetic one year at uni. At least if she had a degree in music she could teach or something. Please, no. She’d rather tour endlessly for the next five years.
‘Mum won’t care if you come around for dinner and then stay. It’s not like you haven’t slept over before.’
True, but this was different. It felt different. More loaded. ‘I don’t know.’
It sounded like a really good idea, and it was nothing different to anything they’d done before, except there was the promise of more.
‘I can see it in your eyes that you want to accept.’ Kirsten licked her lip as if checking for a stray spot of ice-cream.
If they hadn’t been sitting in the middle of the ice-cream parlour, she would’ve leaned over and kissed her. But if she was trying to keep it quiet, Kirsten would want it even quieter. This was a dabble, she didn’t know if she liked girls or just Gemma.
‘Your parents will be at home.’
‘There is a reason why they have the upstairs of the house, so they can escape. You think Ed hasn’t brought girls home?’
‘And they said nothing?’ Her parents would’ve said something if she’d tried to bring anyone home, male or female. Her brothers, though, could do no wrong.
‘Nope. Although he was very careful not to bring too many home, and not too frequently.’
‘And you?’
Kirsten nodded. Shit, all this time she’d assumed Kirsten was going home with her boyfriends, not taking them home. She’d assumed that because that was what she’d had to do — or the uncomfortable backseat of the car. Once she’d decided guys were not for her, there was no way she was taking anyone home. Her parents, her dad, would pitch a fit. But Kirsten had come around a few times during high school.
In fact, if she dated Kirsten no one would know because they’d been friends for so long. From the outside their relationship would look no different. But inside…if…when Kirsten changed her mind and wanted dick, she was going to get burned. Right now the fire was too tempting. ‘Dinner sounds great, but I have a couple of things to do first.’
Dan was sitting on the beach, staring out across the water, when Gemma joined him. She’d called him and asked if they could talk. He’d agreed but she wasn’t sure if he was relieved or resigned on the phone. She kicked off her shoes and walked over. He glanced up, didn’t say anything.
He’d been her friend for as long as she’d been in the band. They had clicked and it showed in their writing, and unfortunately it showed now.
She sat, the sand was hot through her jeans. Around them kids played and parents followed.
‘Well, I’m guessing you aren’t here to take me up on any of my offers.’
She was going to punch him. ‘Three strikes and I’m out of here.’
‘Chill, Gemma.’ He kept his gaze on the ocean. ‘I know why you’re here. You’re braver than I am.’
She frowned. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘You are ready to admit we have a problem. I’d like to stick my head in the sand for a little longer.’
‘I don’t think that’s going to help.’
‘Alcohol didn’t either.’
She knew he’d had a couple of blinders after Lisa had cut him free. ‘Want to talk about it?’
‘Nope.’ He picked up a handful of sand and let it trickle through his fingers.
This was going to be harder than expected. ‘Everyone loved One Mistake.’
‘Mmm.’ He didn’t seem thrilled by that. ‘I never cheated on her.’
‘I didn’t think you had.’
‘You must be the only one.’
She remained silent, giving him the chance to speak. She knew how much he’d loved Lisa. She’d seen it in some of the lyrics, but she’d also seen the strain after he’d flown back home for a few days and then rejoined the band for the next gig.
‘She gave me an ultimatum. Her or the band.’
‘Oh.’ She hadn’t realised that Lisa resented the band that much.
Dan glanced at her but his eyes were unreadable behind his dark sunglasses. ‘She wanted me to get a sensible job and to grow up.’
‘That’s what my family expects too.’
‘She was pregnant.’ His voice broke.
‘What?’ Gemma turned to face him.
Dan rubbed his face, his fingers sliding under his sunglasses. ‘When I refused to quit she terminated. Every time I’m with you lot I see what I lost. But I knew that if I’d quit, every time I looked at her I’d see the same thing.’
She didn’t know what to say. She had nothing to say. It certainly put a different slant on One Mistake. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I thought it was an accident. She told me later it had been deliberate because she wanted me to come home. That pissed me off. The ultimatum was worse.’ He shook his head. ‘And somehow my family and friends think I’m the bad guy out of this. Everyone thinks I’m the dick.’
‘You n
ever told them the truth.’
‘Because I’d still end up being the dick even though I was set up. I feel so…betrayed I guess. I trusted her.’ He looked at her. ‘I’m trusting you.’
‘I won’t say anything.’ She was used to keeping secrets.
He grunted and stared out across the ocean. ‘When I look at the problems we’re having with the second album, I wonder if I made the right choice.’
She had nothing to say to that. It was a gamble they were all taking. How close had he come to chucking it in and coming home? How long would he and Lisa have lasted before the truth eventually came out, or he started resenting that she’d made him choose?
‘She was always jealous of you.’
‘Ha.’ Lisa wouldn’t have touched her life with a ten foot barge pole and a hazmat suit. ‘You’re a good friend and I like hanging out with you.’
‘And that’s all.’ He didn’t look at her as he spoke. Had he actually thought something would happen?
‘Yeah.’ She was so tempted to tell him that it was her, not him…but she didn’t want anyone looking over her shoulder. She didn’t want Kirsten to be in their line of sight. So she bit her tongue. After all this time it wasn’t hard. ‘If I was a guy, you wouldn’t have even thought about it.’
‘True.’ He turned. ‘But you aren’t. Is every girlfriend I ever have going to be jealous?’
What, was he turning this around on her? ‘I don’t know. Is any boyfriend I have,’ she almost choked on the blatant lie, ‘going to be jealous?’
Dan frowned. ‘I’d never thought of that.’
Of course not, because he was wrapped up in his own world. She sat silent for a little longer, well aware that she needed to head home and grab her overnight bag — would she ever stop living out of a suitcase — before going round to Kirsten’s, but not wanting to rush Dan.
‘We could try.’ He glanced at her with a smile.
Gemma stood up. ‘That won’t help the situation. Find a groupie.’
He grimaced. ‘Not my thing.’
‘Neither am I. Don’t make being friends with you hard work. If you want to talk or write, I’m here, but if you want to make passes at me so I can reject you, forget it.’ She took a step away. ‘For the record, I don’t think you’re a dick…yet.’