Invisible Me

by Chrissie Keighery

  ‘I’m just telling the truth,’ Jess says with a pout.

  ‘Yeah, well, maybe you could consider telling a bit less of it,’ Edi advises her. Then she turns to me. ‘Maybe we could all come and meet you at the skate park tomorrow? With Archie and Leo.’

  Actually, I think I’d rather meet with Alec by myself.

  I wouldn’t mind having some time to get to know him by myself. But before I have to answer, Jason comes in with corn fritters.

  Hazel takes a bite of hers, and clicks at the DVD player again. ‘Girls, we have a situation,’ she says seriously. ‘The stupid DVD player isn’t working.’

  We all groan. We’ve seen this movie heaps of times before, but we never get sick of it.

  ‘Yeah, it hasn’t been working all week,’ Jason says over our groans. ‘I tried to do my yoga DVD the other day and – ’

  ‘Jason!’ Hazel says. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

  Jason shrugs. ‘Oh, I thought it might, you know, heal itself.’

  The look Hazel gives us behind Jason’s back is pretty funny. A combination of crossed eyes and a sticking-out tongue. Jason leaves the lounge room and Hazel’s big sister Romy appears at the doorway. If I could have a big sister, I’d get one like Romy. She’s great and she looks really pretty, even in her pyjamas and ugg boots.

  ‘Hey, Roms,’ Hazel says, ‘do you have anything good recorded on Foxtel? The DVD is stuffed.’

  Romy leans on the doorframe. ‘Mmm,’ she says. ‘I’ve got the latest episode of Acacia Lane. Check if …’

  I don’t hear the rest of what Romy’s saying. I’m vaguely aware of the others discussing whether to watch it or do something else altogether. But their words just float around me like mist. I become aware of my heartbeat. The beat becomes a dull thump, completely taking over my insides.

  ‘Limps, Limps, earth to Limps,’ Edi says, waving her hand in front of my face.

  ‘You haven’t seen it, have you? None of us have.’

  I shake my head. There’s no way I could talk right now. I put my hand to my chest, to stop my heart from leaping out.

  ‘Okay, Acacia Lane it is,’ Hazel says.

  I’m hardly even here. My body is sitting on the couch, next to Edi. But there’s nothing much inside me. Just corn fritters and fog and fear.

  I look at the screen, but I don’t see what’s happening. My skin is clammy, as though every little pore is seeping beads of sweat.

  I’m dimly aware of the girls commenting on Veronica’s clothes. They’re all really tuned in. Thoughts float through the empty space inside me like astronauts.

  These girls are my only friends, really. I know other girls at school, of course. But not the way I know Edi, Jess and Hazel. Together, we’re the popular group. There was a time when that mattered to me more than our actual friendships. But it’s not the main thing now. We’ve confided in each other. We’ve discussed periods and boys and other people at school. I’ve told them stuff I would never tell anyone else. And they’ve been so kind to me lately. But now, I can only think one thing.

  They are going to hate me.

  That thought pushes me over the edge of the cliff I’ve been teetering on ever since I told the lie. But the fall seems to go forever. In the end, though, I know I’ll hit the ground. In ten minutes from now, I’ll be splattered.

  I really will be invisible, after this. It won’t just be that I’m not quite good enough. I’ll be one of the tragics who wanders around at lunchtime, alone. Maybe I’ll just hang out with Kelly all the time, tucked away in her office.

  There she is. Veronica, finding the credit card wrapped in a bow on her kitchen bench. Not long now. I tuck my legs underneath me on the couch.

  There she is. Coming out of Juicy Couture with her fifty million shopping bags. Everyone’s eyes are glued to the screen.

  Now the music amps up. My heart matches the tempo. Thump. Thump. Thump.

  There she is. Watching as her dad and her mum’s best friend hook up.

  It’s over. The show. My friendships.

  I put my head in my hands, peering through my open fingers. The thump, thump, thump is pulsing in my temples. I imagine going back in time, somehow unsaying what I’ve told them. But it’s impossible. I’m stuck right here, with time creeping forward.

  No-one talks. Hazel gets up out of her beanbag, walks over to the TV and switches it off. She turns around. She walks over to me. It’s odd that she kneels on the carpet in front of me. ‘Olympia,’ she says.

  I take my hands off my eyes and lower them into my lap. Wait for my life to end.

  ‘I’m so sorry. That must have been awful for you. If we’d known … if any of us knew what was going to be in that program, we would never have put it on. We never would have done that to you.’

  The girls are all around me now. Gathered together in a huddle with me at the centre.

  My sobs are real.

  It’s hard to get to sleep that night. The Acacia Lane thing could have turned out so differently. I don’t even want to think about it. I feel like I’m still falling down, down, down that cliff face, and I haven’t hit the bottom yet. But there’s also a nagging sense that the splat might happen at any time. When I least expect it.

  In the morning, I get a text from Edi.

  Hi Limps, going to watch Archie this morning cos there’s try-outs for some soccer league. H and Leo coming too. It’s a big deal for A, or I’d definitely be at skate park. Ok???

  I look at the screen, and even though my stomach scrunches knowing Edi and Hazel are hanging out together, I feel a bit relieved that I’ll get to see Alec by myself. Last night was pretty intense, and I definitely don’t want to talk about anything to do with Dad and Sandra or Acacia Lane today. Plus, those three question marks make me feel like Edi is kind of asking my permission, which is something.

  KK, I text back and start getting ready.

  Alec is already at the skate park when I get there. I see him standing by the graffiti wall. Barney has found a patch of sun, and he’s making little circles to flatten the grass around him so he can lie down. He follows reluctantly as Alec starts walking towards me.

  Cricket goes nuts when she sees Barney. It’s a bit embarrassing that she’s acting so keen, but at least it gives us something to talk about straight away.

  ‘Hey, Olympia,’ Alec says. ‘I think we’d better let them off their leads.’

  I look down and see that our two leads are all tangled as Barney starts warming up to Cricket’s play-fighting game.

  Alec’s hand brushes my arm as he unclips Barney. It feels good. As soon as we set them free, the dogs start racing in circles and rolling around in the grass.

  ‘They’re pretty cute together,’ Alec says.

  I look at him properly for the first time today. He’s wearing grey skinny jeans, a blue V-neck T-shirt and maroon Vans. The dogs aren’t the only things that are cute around here.

  ‘Come with me?’ says Alec. ‘I want to show you something.’

  The dogs follow us as we walk together. I don’t care where we’re going. I don’t even think about what Alec might want to show me. I’m just happy to be here at the skate park with Alec. Who happens to go to Kilmore High. And who happens to be incredibly hot.

  When we get to the graffiti wall, Alec points at something. It’s an amazing stencil graffiti of a lazy-looking basset hound with extra-long ears and droopy eyes. Underneath are the words, Stop hounding me.

  ‘Oh my god, Alec,’ I breathe. ‘It’s awesome. That’s Barney, isn’t it?’

  Alec smiles. I count the freckles across his nose. Twelve. It seems like the perfect number of freckles.

  ‘Did you do that?’ I ask.

  Alec nods. ‘Yeah. Do you like it?’

  ‘Of course!’ I say. Alec smiles at me and I’m feeling sort of embarrassed, so I point to another piece of graffiti on the wall that I know was painted by Hazel’s boyfriend, Leo. ‘I know the guy who did that one.’ It’s a picture of a girl in a bikini w
ith a sash that says, Miss Everything. It’s a strange picture in a way. Everything about the girl is in proportion except for her giant feet. At the bottom, Leo has written, Filling the big shoes.

  ‘Do you know Leo?’ I ask Alec. ‘He did this for my friend Hazel.’ I watch as Alec studies it.

  ‘It’s cool,’ says Alec. ‘I’ve never met him, but I recognise his stuff. It’s pretty random sometimes, but he’s really good. Maybe you can introduce us sometime?’

  ‘Sure,’ I say, and I try to sound casual, but I love the way Alec just takes it for granted that we’ll see each other again.

  In my mind, I picture introducing him to my friends. This cute, artistic boy. I feel kind of puffed up just thinking about it.

  I look more closely at Leo’s graffiti. Alec is right – it is good. ‘There’s no way I could do something like that with graffiti paints. I like painting, but usually I just draw.’

  ‘Oh, yeah?’ Alec cocks an eyebrow. ‘You draw?’

  ‘Yeah, a bit,’ I say. I get out my phone and show him a photo I’ve taken on the progress of my drawing of Nick.

  As he looks at the photo, I can tell that he thinks it’s good. Even though I haven’t filled in the facial features yet, I think I’ve captured the way Nick stands when he’s excited, with his hands outstretched in front of him like he wants to grab whatever experiences he can.

  ‘Geez, Olympia,’ he says finally, and he’s really looking at me now. He shakes his head. ‘You draw a bit? I have a feeling you might draw a lot. Either that, or you just got lucky with your genes. Like, talented.’ He tilts his head and his hair flops over his eye. I want to reach out and tuck it away. ‘That’s going to be … That’s amazing.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say.

  Alec clicks his fingers. ‘That’s where I’ve seen you before,’ he says. ‘I’ve been trying to figure out where I know you from. You go to the art supplies store, right? Digby’s?’

  ‘Yep,’ I say. It feels good to know that he’s noticed me too. ‘I think I might have seen you there a couple of times too,’ I admit.

  ‘Don’t you love it?’ he says. ‘There’s something about that store that’s so relaxing. Like it’s its own little world.’

  ‘Exactly,’ I say, and it’s amazing to think Alec feels the same way I do.

  Just then, Cricket jumps up in front of me, trying to get my attention. It’s funny when Barney tries jumping too. He hardly gets off the ground.

  Alec laughs. He lifts Barney up and then drops him down, like he’s helping him to jump. It’s so cute, watching them. I guess I’ve never really had a connection like this with a boy. It just feels right.

  When Barney starts looking tired, Alec turns to me. ‘I guess we should get going, huh? But this has been … well … it’s been nice. For me, that is.’

  ‘For me too,’ I say quickly and I don’t even feel that awkward for saying it, because Alec’s eyes light up.

  ‘I’m away next week, but maybe we should meet here to walk the dogs every Saturday?’

  ‘Yes, we so should,’ I say. And now I don’t even feel worried about sounding too keen. Not one bit.

  After Alec leaves, I walk around the skate park with Cricket to give her a bit more of a run than the one she got with Barney.

  As I’m about to leave, I see Jess and her dog Frodo. She flashes past me and starts running backwards.

  ‘Hey, Limps,’ she yells. ‘Late for basketball. See you Monday.’

  I give her a wave. I’m not thinking about school. Not yet, anyway. I refuse to.

  Because what’s happened today fills me up to the brim.

  I’m not exactly happy about missing out on art class first period on Monday morning. But in some ways it’s okay, because Edi, Jess and Hazel won’t even know about my counselling session. I’m actually pretty keen to go. My thoughts have been seesawing all weekend.

  I tried to stay focused on the nice bit, the Alec bit. But as soon as I think about him, I want to tell my friends about him. And then I remember how scared I felt while I was watching Acacia Lane. And just when I think I might have found the right words to talk to Mum, I get a flash of panic that the girls will find me out. It’s truly exhausting.

  I hope Kelly can help.

  ‘Hi, Olympia. How have you been since our last session?’ Kelly asks straight away.

  This time, I sit in the beanbag. ‘Some things have been good,’ I say, thinking of Alec.

  ‘I’m glad to hear that,’ Kelly says. ‘Did you start thinking about what you might like to say to your parents to get them to hear you?’

  ‘I did,’ I say. ‘I haven’t actually said anything to them yet, though.’

  ‘Would you like me to look at what you came up with, Olympia?’ Kelly asks.

  I hand her a piece of paper with what I’ve written so far. My hand shakes as I give it to her.

  ‘Olympia, is there something else you’d like to discuss?’ She says it as though she knows already what’s happened. Which, of course, she doesn’t. The thing is, she’s the only person in the world I can talk to about this. And even though I’ve tried to squash down the fear inside me, it just seems to take up more and more space. I’m even afraid of seeing the girls today. I’ve been afraid ever since I told the lie. It’s horrible. I need to get it out of me.

  I move the beanbag slightly so my back is to Kelly. I’m not sure why I do that, but it feels better if she’s not looking at me. Then it all gushes out of me. The lie. Where I got it from. How my friends have tried to help me.

  Kelly doesn’t interrupt. She just lets me talk until I’m finished. Eventually, I turn the beanbag back towards her, but I keep looking down at the ground.

  ‘You seem very angry,’ Kelly says, and I realise how I must have sounded. ‘It sounds like you have to work hard to maintain your position with your friends. Does that make you feel angry, Olympia?’

  ‘Yes!’ I say, grabbing on to that idea like it’s a lifeboat. ‘Nobody pays attention to me. That’s why I had to do it.’ My eyes are pricking with tears, but I don’t want to start crying. Kelly slides the box of tissues towards me.

  ‘We have choices, though,’ Kelly says gently. ‘And you probably have some mixed feelings about the choice you made, Olympia. On the one hand, it feels good to get the attention you crave. On the other, you might feel ashamed and guilty about how you’ve got that attention. How do you feel about what you told your friends?’

  I take a deep breath. ‘I feel sick,’ I say, and it comes out sounding really small. Now I know the reason I had my back to Kelly while I told her about it. I’m so ashamed about what I’ve done, and she knows it. All of a sudden, that box of tissues looks like an invitation to cry. And I’m doing it. I’m crying.

  ‘I want to take it back,’ I say between sobs. ‘I want to unsay it, Kelly.’

  For a moment, there’s hope in the air between us. Like Kelly might have a magic potion that can unsay the things I’ve said. To fix this sick jumped-off-the-edge-of-a-cliff feeling I carry around inside me. Kelly is blurry through my tears.

  ‘Unfortunately, there’s no way to do that, Olympia.’

  Hearing that makes me cry harder, because I know it’s too true. Maybe you can unsay things inside a counselling session, but you can’t do it in real life. What I’ve said is going to be said forever. I blow my nose and wait for Kelly to continue.

  ‘I guess what we have to do now is to work out the consequences of keeping your story going,’ Kelly says. ‘What do you think might happen if you never correct it?’

  ‘My friends might find out,’ I say, and the fear of that happening seems to swallow up everything else inside me. ‘If that happens, they’ll think I’m a liar, and I won’t even have friends anymore.’

  ‘And what if you tell them the truth?’ Kelly says. ‘Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.’

  I cross my arms and bite my lip in frustration. Kelly should know that telling the truth now isn’t an option. If I admit what I’
ve done, my friends will think I’m a complete nut job. They’ll never trust me again. Things wouldn’t just get worse, my friendships would be over.

  ‘It’s a difficult dilemma you’re in, Olympia,’ Kelly says. ‘But perhaps you could figure out a way to explain why you made up the story in the first place? Perhaps your friends could forgive you if you found the right words.’

  I dry my eyes. I’ve expected too much from Kelly. She’s nice and everything, but she obviously doesn’t get it.

  But I think I have an idea that might make things better. I can do it tonight when the girls come to my place to finish our drama assignment. Then the sick feeling will go away, and I’ll figure out a better way of getting their attention that isn’t so scary.

  ‘Thanks, Kelly,’ I say. ‘I’ll think about it.’

  As soon as the girls arrive at my house that afternoon, I herd them into my room.

  I show them the cover I’ve drawn for our drama script.

  It’s pretty good, but the girls are more interested in talking about what happened at the skate park yesterday. I tell them all about our conversation at the graffiti wall, about how much Alec and I seem to have in common. Hazel is excited to introduce him to Leo. And then I tell them how Alec suggested we meet up every Saturday.

  ‘Oh my god, you’re so lucky,’ Jess says. ‘Chester and I have zero to talk about. It’s so unfair. All you guys have someone you actually like.’

  It feels good, for once, being on the same level as Edi and Archie and Hazel and Leo. Well, similar. It’s not like anything has happened between me and Alec. It’s not like we’re actually going out together, but whatever it is, at least it’s something.

  ‘I guess you’re going to have to dump Chester, Jess,’ I say. Then, I take a deep breath. This is about the best opportunity I’m going to get to lead into telling the girls that Dad and Sandra are over. I’m going to say that I saw a text on Dad’s phone, and that’s how I know. I can’t tell them the truth, but at least if they don’t think Dad’s having an affair, it kind of undoes the damage. Then, I’ll be able to get rid of the sick feeling.