Beating Around the Bush

by Buchwald, Art

  Rush Limbaugh is also an arbiter as to who is for this country and who is not. Limbaugh speaks for the people on the Right while he trashes the people on the Left.

  The only one every conservative agrees is a terrible American is Al Franken. Although he has a bestselling book, the right wing says he should either leave the country or shut up.

  Where do I stand? I am going to night school and taking a course in Patriotism 101. If I pass I’ll let you know.

  The Big Leak

  I CAME BACK FROM LUNCH and asked my assistant Cathy, “Any calls from the White House?”

  “No,” she said.

  “Nothing from any high officials in the Administration?”

  “No. The only call you got was from the laundry saying your shirts are ready.”

  “I don’t understand it,” I said. “Someone is leaking all over town to reporters about the CIA but no one is leaking to me. We didn’t put the White House on the Do-Not-Call list did we?”

  “No, we didn’t,” she said.

  “I know they leaked to Robert Novak. Why him and not me?”

  “He has better connections with the Administration,” Cathy said. “The White House knows he’ll put their spin on it.”

  “But so will I if they just give me a chance. Someone told Novak that an Ambassador’s wife worked for the CIA, and that’s against the law. If they had told me I would have printed it, and like Novak, I would never reveal my source.”

  Cathy said, “They don’t trust you.”

  “That is silly. If they leaked to me I would be as trustworthy as Novak. They just won’t give me a chance.”

  The phone rang again. Cathy answered it. I heard her say, “Yes, four o’clock at 18th and L Streets.”

  She hung up. I asked her, “Was that a White House leak?”

  “No, it was Ritz Camera. They said your pictures would be ready at 4 o’clock.”

  I had nothing to do so I called the CIA. When the man answered I said, “Did you know someone in the government is leaking the names of undercover agents to the press?”

  “Thanks for telling us. We never know what is going on in Washington.”

  “I can’t give you names because I would be violating my journalistic oath, but if you read the Novak column you can connect the dots.”

  “We will get our people on it right away, and if what you say is true, we’ll turn it over to the Justice Department who will turn it over to the FBI, which by the way, we can’t stand. What is your interest in all this?”

  I said, “I got the same information Novak did, but I refused to print it.”

  “Atta boy. We’re glad you are on our side.”

  Cathy said, “Why did you tell him all that?”

  “If the White House is going to leak to their friends they are going to have to pay for it. Let’s see, how should I start the column? How about, ‘Sources in the Oval Office told this reporter . . .’”

  Cathy said, “It’s boring.”

  “How about, ‘I have it on the highest authority that someone in the government revealed the name of an undercover CIA agent, thus endangering the lives of hundreds of her contacts overseas.’”

  “That’s better,” Cathy said. “Do you want to reveal the agent’s name?”

  “I’ll save that for next week.”

  Unnecessary Roughness

  RUSH LIMBAUGH, the serial conservative and football expert, has stepped into doo-doo over remarks he made on TV about black quarterbacks. There are three answers as to why he did it: he is a racist, his radio show is racist, and he allegedly buys painkillers in batches of 4,000 pills at a time.

  What can one say if one is on Rush’s side?—Which I am.

  I think he has been set up by liberal left-handed black quarterbacks in the National Football League. As a defender of Rush, and there are many, I say it’s harder to be a football commentator than people might think. I know Rush is not a racist. He was paid by ESPN to tell it like it is, and if a black quarterback is not carrying his weight then Rush owes it to his audience to say it.

  Limbaugh was picked for the job because he brought professionalism to the game. His expert opinions on “NFL Sunday Countdown” made football a more colorful sport. He was speaking for America when he discussed the color of the football players and why they play the way they do.

  ESPN knew he had strong feelings about liberals, traitors, Democrats and quarterbacks—the very things people want to hear when they watch Sunday football. As the producers told him every week, “You have the numbers. You can say anything you want to as long as you sell beer.”

  Now the most interesting thing about all this is that Donovan McNabb, the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, does advertisements for Campbell’s Chicken Soup. His commercials show him going into a family’s living room in his Eagle’s jersey and being served broth with lots of chicken in it. McNabb is paid ten times more than a quarterback for doing the ads.

  McNabb fears that by being knocked on “NFL Sunday Countdown” by Rush that his fee for future Campbell’s ads will go way down. It is really up to what kind of contract he has. If the kids stop eating the soup because McNabb is not giving his all, Campbell’s may stop paying him.

  Of course, Rush has his detractors, as all great commentators do. One person, a Leftie, wrote after all the fuss, “I think they should have taken his political radio show off the air and let him keep his football job.”

  I don’t know Rush Limbaugh personally, but every time I get into a taxicab I hear his voice. Taxi drivers believe everything he says—even those who don’t speak English.

  Now the other subject I would like to deal with is the fact that Rush allegedly bought thousands of painkillers on the black market. Is this wrong? His supporters say he had to take painkillers after what the liberals were doing to our country. Rush didn’t make a big deal of it. Only his closest friends knew about it, but once the story broke in the National Enquirer, everyone on the Right knew it was a put-up job.

  Football is going to lose one of the great ones. Maybe they will name a stadium after him—or hang up his Brooks Brothers suit in the studio locker room.

  Whatever you think of Rush Limbaugh, ESPN will never see his likes again.

  But Seriously Speaking

  THE QUESTION NOW is not what Arnold is going to do for California, but what is he going to do to us?

  If you remember, Arnold announced he was going to enter the recall battle not to Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings or Dan Rather, but to Jay Leno on his late night show.

  Once he got into the fray, the jokes began in earnest. Comedians started to imitate Schwarzenegger’s accent, they made fun of his movies, and talked about pumping iron with Madonna.

  I remember saying to a Kennedy, who shall remain nameless, “How long with the Arnold jokes?”

  That person said, “It will blow over. How many jokes can they tell about one man?”

  I said, “There is no end to how many there are. Just his Terminator movies alone are fodder for every late night comedy writer in the country. Besides, California loves a governor they can really make fun of. That is why Davis had no following.”

  I met a Davis spin-doctor who said, “Did you hear the one about Arnold on the elevator with a lady who didn’t want to be pawed?”

  I replied, “I don’t want to hear those kinds of jokes.”

  “The Los Angeles Times said there were 15 incidents just like it. Everyone is telling those jokes all over the country.”

  “That isn’t why he ran for governor. He even has a financial plan for the state,” I said.

  The Davis man said, “That’s funny in itself.”

  I was getting annoyed with all the jokes after hearing them more than ten times. Even Bob Novak was telling Schwarzenegger stories—some without identifying who told him.

  I have to confess I was at Maria Shriver and Arnold’s wedding. I did not hear one person say, “He’s a wonderful boy. Someday he is going to become governor of California.”
Someone might have said it, but I didn’t hear him.

  The most interesting thing about Arnold is that he likes to make fun of himself. It is the same self-deprecating humor he is noted for in many of his movies.

  A producer said, “If someone gave me a script with Arnold playing the governor of a large state I would throw him out of the office.”

  “Because you can’t have a governor who keeps shooting people and throwing them over his head?” I asked.

  “You’ve got it,” he replied. “In the role of governor it’s not the Arnold we all know and love.”

  Since Arnold won the recall election, the jokes, rather than slowing down, are increasing. They come from the east coast, travel to the west coast, and then are recycled back again. The Democrats have set up a Schwarzenegger website where people can exchange Arnold stories.

  Whatever happens, what we must prepare for is three years of jokes, some of them people can repeat, and some they can’t.

  This is a great country and we thrive on celebrities that are so well-known that you don’t even have to use their last names. All you have to do is say “Arnold” and someone will tell you the latest joke.

  Being governor of California is a dirty business, but somebody has to do it.

  Wal-Mart

  I AM A WAL-MART SHOPPER. I go there not because the merchandise is so good but because its floors are so clean.

  The other day I asked a manager. “How do you keep the store so polished?”

  He said proudly, “We have the best janitors in America. You could serve your turkey dinner on our floors.”

  “I wouldn’t want to do that. Do you have a training school for the cleaners?”

  “No, most of them come from abroad and are already trained. They come from Russia, Lithuania, Poland, and Bulgaria. We run ads in the papers over there promising the American dream.”

  “You don’t say you want them to be floor sweepers?”

  “No all we say is we will pay their fares, and guarantee them a job. Our recruiters abroad make sure they are qualified. You see that fellow over there waxing the floor in the lingerie department? He is from Estonia and has never missed a day at work.”

  “Does that mean he doesn’t get a day off?”

  “Of course he doesn’t or else he couldn’t put in a seven-day week.”

  “And he doesn’t complain?”

  “He is an illegal alien. Who is he going to complain to?” The manager continued, “Wal-Mart is intent on making its employees happy. That lady over there is one of our best scrub-women. She is from China and she is highly prized by management because she doesn’t speak English. Every time the U.S. Immigration authorities raid the store she hides under the quilts and they never find her. That is the type of person who works for us.”

  “Why do the Feds keep raiding the store looking for illegal aliens?”

  “They are very spiteful people. Look, one of the country’s biggest problems is that it is sending all its jobs overseas. Wal-Mart is bringing foreigners over here and no one ever thanks us.”

  He said, “Most customers don’t know that Wal-Mart gets their cleaning people from abroad. We are thinking about having a ‘Janitors Day Sale’ with 50 percent off on mops, pails and wax.”

  “Good idea, janitors never get the credit they deserve.”

  “And illegal alien cleaning people get no respect. Look, Wal-Mart is renowned for its low prices. This means cutting our payroll to the bone.”

  “Does Wal-Mart personally hire the people who clean its stores?”

  “No, we farm out the work to janitorial specialists and they contract their work to head hunters, who then round up and put the workers on a slow boat to Baltimore.”

  “How do you respond to the critics who say you are running a white slavery operation?”

  “We say if we can hire American janitors who will work seven days a week at minimum salaries we’ll do it. But Americans are spoiled and they want days off. They don’t have the drive of an Estonian worker.”

  “Will you have trouble finding illegal aliens if Immigration keeps raiding your store?”

  “Retailing is a tough business.”

  “I always say the only thing that counts is the bottom line. And janitors who sweep together stay together.”

  Talk Show

  I WAS WATCHING a talk show on TV the other night when the subject of profiteering from the war came up. The reason it came up was because a talking head pointed out that the Halliburton company charged $2.95 a gallon to transport oil into Iraq, while the Iraqi State Oil Marketing Organization charges 95 cents to do the same thing.

  The first talking head, whom I call Big Mouth, said, “What’s wrong with a company making a profit during a war? That is what the capitalistic system is all about.”

  The second talking head, whom I call Softball said, “It’s our money. If we are asking our boys to fight in Iraq we should not sock it to the taxpayer during the occupation.”

  Big Mouth said, “You are mixing oranges with applesauce. Halliburton’s first obligation is to its stockholders. When Halliburton signed a contract to rebuild the country it was understood by the Pentagon that they would not do it on the cheap.”

  Softball said, “There was no competitive bidding. If there had been, another company might have been able to do it for a lot less money.”

  Big Mouth said, “We will never know, will we?”

  “Vice President Cheney was president of Halliburton. Did he have anything to do with the contract?”

  Big Mouth said, “He certainly didn’t. Cheney has never made a dime on his investments. He happens to be in a blind trust and that is why no one can find him.”

  “Why do we have to rebuild Iraq at such a high cost?”

  “If you bomb a country you have no choice but to rebuild it. There is a saying in the military industrial complex. ‘There is no such thing as a free lunch.’”

  Softball said, “I think we found that out in the past. How much is it going to cost to rebuild Iraq?”

  Big Mouth replied, “Including going over the budget and making a profit? Billions of dollars, but a lot of it will be coming back here in stock dividends. That is why the Halliburton deal makes so much sense. The more it charges for shipping oil, the more it can give back to its investors.”

  “Are all the companies making outrageous profits on rebuilding Iraq?” Softball asked.

  Big Mouth said, “Not outrageous, but reasonable profits that anyone would make if they were asked to save the infrastructure.”

  Then an announcer said, “We now pause for a commercial. When we come back we will ask the big question: How many American companies does it take to screw in an Iraqi light bulb? And how much will they charge?”

  When he returned to my TV screen, Big Mouth said, “I hate to say this, but if you don’t support the idea of rebuilding Iraq, you could be considered an anti-Bushie.”

  “I am not anti-Bush. At the same time I am not for the U.S. getting us into a war and making money on it,” Softball said.

  Big Mouth replied, “But even if it costs us we are bringing democracy to the entire Middle East. What price can you put on that?”

  Softball replied, “It’s priceless if it’s true.”

  “I think you should write a letter to Halliburton telling them that what is good for Halliburton is good for America.”

  Softball replied, “And I’ll send a copy to Cheney.”

  A Sexual Revolution

  This column is rated “R” for grownups and politicians.

  PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD just celebrated World AIDS Day. Well, “celebrated” is not the right word. “Observed” is more fitting. More and more people are contracting the disease, and so far the battle is being lost. Not everyone agrees as to the best way to fight it. A tiny bit of latex divides them. It is called a condom.

  Some of the most powerful institutions involved are the Vatican and conservative organizations such as the National Right to Life. The chu
rch forbids the use of condoms, not only because it doesn’t believe in them, but also because they prevent bringing children into the world. Their critics say, “You could be bringing children into the world that could die of AIDS.”

  Since more and more people are contracting HIV, many continents that the Vatican serves (Africa and South America) have the largest numbers of victims.

  The reason the conservative groups are against condoms is that they associate them with homosexuality. Handing them out is a political blow to Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and the American Way.

  I know condoms are not a subject to bring up at breakfast while you are reading your paper, but since it is a matter of life and death, there is really no good time. Let’s be frank. Condoms are used so that a male prevents a female from having a baby. The second reason is that it prevents sexual diseases from being passed on. Condoms are not one hundred percent perfect, but then what is that has anything to do with sex? One of the most popular brands of condoms is Trojans, which have been used for generations by young, middle-aged and old men.

  I have the word of the manufacturer that every Trojan is electrically tested to reduce the risk of leakage. And there is an expiration date on each package so you won’t use one that has lost its integrity.

  You are probably wondering why my sudden interest in condoms. It has nothing to do with what the Bush administration thinks about them. I am certain no one in the White House has ever had a need for promiscuous sex—mainly because they are too busy working for the government. But that doesn’t mean they are not interested in the AIDS program. The president asked for five billion dollars to fight AIDS, but then said it was too much money to go through the pipeline. It is written in the law that the US can only give out condoms as a last resort. The reason is that Bush believes that if the populations of the world find out condoms are free, they will be encouraged to engage in unwanted sexual behavior instead of just saying “No.” Also, if you are giving away contraceptives at cost you could be wasting the taxpayer’s money.