Conflicted

by Missy Johnson

  “Where are we going?”

  She grins at me. “My house.”

  Her house turns out to be an apartment in a pretty expensive area, and not the three-bedroom brick home she took me to last week. She walks me inside and I let out a low whistle. This place is nice. Floor-to-ceiling windows and a huge balcony. The view of the bridge alone would make this place worth a packet.

  “Nice,” I comment. “You did well to move house in the space of a week.”

  “It’s not mine,” she laughs. “Neither is the other place. I house-sit—a good way to get free accommodation, and it’s fun. Plus, every now and then I end up with a place like this.” She grins and walks over to the bar, which is packed full of every kind of alcohol you can imagine.

  She pours a scotch and hands it to me.

  “Want to watch a movie?” She points to a huge cabinet full of hundreds of DVDs. “Pick one.”

  I wander over and choose a Clint Eastwood classic. Turning around, I walk back over and toss it to her. She looks it over, laughs, and then throws it on the couch.

  “Typical male choice of movie,” she says, swaying towards me.

  She reaches me and sets her drink down on the coffee table. I do the same. My heart pounds as she takes my hands, wrapping them around her narrow waist. She moves closer to me, tilting her face up to mine. Her lips meet mine, soft and gentle, as she rakes her fingers through my hair. I breathe in, her sweet floral perfume filling my lungs as my mouth envelops hers. Her hands find the centre of my chest and she pushes me down onto the couch. She moves over me, hitching her skirt up, her legs either side of me. She rocks her body against mine, her fingers toying with the buttons on her shirt, undoing them one by one. She reaches down, pressing the palm of her hand against the bulge in my pants.

  I should be fucking ecstatic. I’m hard as fuck but all I can think about is Lace—how I wish this were her, that it was her hand fondling my cock. Fuck, in my head it’s not even Eva on top of me. It’s all Lacey. She’s fucking everywhere. I put my hands on Eva’s hips and lift her off me, muttering an apology. I’m angry, because she’s an awesome chick and I’m fucking her over.

  Her eyes flicker with disappointment, but she doesn’t fight my decision. “I thought we could have a little fun, that’s all,” she murmurs, shrugging her shoulders.

  I shake my head and groan. Why am I intent on punishing myself? A beautiful older Swedish chick wants to have her way with me, no strings attached, and I can’t do it? I might as well cut off my balls and hand them to Lace, because that’s about how I feel at the moment.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again. I rake my hands through my hair and curse. “I’ll see myself out. For what it’s worth, I had a great time. You’re a cool chick, Eva.”

  “You’re not staying for the movie?” she asks, her blond locks bouncing around her neck as she buttons up her shirt. She glances up at me, her blue eyes twinkling.

  “I…” I’m not sure what to say. I just rejected her and she wants me to stay? I’m as confused as hell.

  She laughs, enjoying my discomfort. “I’d still like to be your friend. You’re a nice guy. The kind of loyalty you have for your friend is rare. She’s lucky to have you, even if she doesn’t know it yet.”

  I laugh and flop down on the couch next to her.

  She smiles and reaches for the DVD, making a face. “Though I do wish you had better taste in movies.”

  Just when I thought she couldn’t be any cooler, she manages it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lacey

  “Are you sure I can’t walk you inside?”

  “I’m fine.” I grin. “Thanks for dinner. You didn’t have to do that.”

  “It’s nothing,” he says, waving his hand. “You’ve been working exceptionally hard over the last few days. Taking you to dinner was the least I could do. And you were surprisingly good company.”

  “Surprisingly?” I ask with a wry smile.

  “For someone who works too much,” he says, his eyes dancing.

  I chuckle and play with my hands in my lap as my heart begins to pound. I wish I had the balls to just kiss him, but I’m terrified of him rejecting me. After Lucas…I shudder. I can’t risk fucking up this opportunity. I think Aaron likes me, but what if I’m wrong?

  My hand moves towards the handle of the car door when I feel his fingers on my neck. I gasp as he cradles my face, turning it towards him. His soft touch is electric against my skin. My heart pounds as his lips inch towards mine.

  We kiss, our lips meeting in a soft, fluid motion. I reach up, my hands getting lost in his hair, taking in everything about him. I run my fingers over his face, the feel of his stubble sending shivers down my spine.

  He moves forward, the kiss deepening as he finds his way under my shirt. I whimper, my nipples hardening as his fingers brush over them. His tongue trails down the curve of my neck, then back up to my mouth, his lips tasting mine.

  Eventually we break apart, and I’m left breathless and at a loss for words. All I can do is smile as he touches my forehead, moving the hair away from my eyes. He kisses the tip of my nose, and then plants another soft kiss on my lips.

  “You better go before I can’t let you,” he murmurs, kissing me again.

  I want to invite him in, but I wouldn’t want to have “that” conversation with Ariel if she happened to walk in on us. Reaching for the door handle, I open it, my hands shaking.

  “I’ll see you Monday,” I say, forcing the words out of my mouth.

  He raises his eyebrows and smiles. “If not before.”

  **

  “Well?” she asks, impatient.

  I look up at Ariel, who stands in my bedroom doorway, leaning on the frame, her eyebrows raised.

  “Sorry, what?” I ask, putting down my notes.

  It’s the next morning, and I’ve been sitting on my bed for what feels like hours, trying to find something to help this case. In the back of my mind I know if there was anything to find, Aaron would’ve found it, but I can’t stop. How much I hinge on what he thinks of me is beginning to concern even me.

  “I asked if you plan to do anything other than work, or should I just ignore you for the next three weeks like you’ve been doing me?”

  “Ignore you?” I get up, my eyes wide. Is that how she really feels? “I know I’ve been focused on this internship—”

  “I think ‘obsessed’ is the term Lucas and I were using,” Ariel replies.

  I stiffen, the guilt I felt moments earlier replaced with annoyance. “You spoke to Lucas about me?”

  Ariel shrugs. “What’s the big deal? We’re all friends, aren’t we?” Her face softens. She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “We’re just worried about you.”

  “This can do a lot—”

  “For your career,” Ariel finishes. “I know that. But there’s a difference between being focused and blocking everything else out.” She studies my face. “Unless there’s more to it?”

  “What do you mean?” I say, blushing.

  “Is something going on with you guys?”

  “Me and Aaron?” I laugh, only it comes out like a croak.

  Her eyebrows shoot up accusingly.

  “It’s not like that, okay? There’s nothing going on, other than a crush that I do not plan on doing anything about.” I’m impressed at how good I’m getting at lying, when Ariel’s face lights up. Or maybe not.

  “I knew it,” she mutters, shaking her fist. “That explains Lucas’s behaviour.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, curious. She obviously knows something I don’t, because I have no idea what’s going on with him these days.

  “You have no idea, do you?” Ariel chuckles and shakes her head. “The two of you are worse than daytime TV.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I grumble.

  My stomach twists in knots. I never told Ariel about propositioning Lucas. I never told anyone. I was too embarrassed. I’m still embarrassed, every time I thi
nk about it. Had he told her? I’d be surprised if he had. They’re friends, but I don’t think they’re that close. Not as close as he and I are, anyway. A pang of jealousy hits me and I fight to push it away.

  “You really can’t see it?” She shakes her head again.

  I tap my finger on my leg, wishing she’d get to the point.

  “He likes you, and he probably thinks something is going on with you and your boss.”

  Lucas? I laugh. If only she knew how wrong she was.

  “I guarantee that you’re completely off track with that one,” I laugh. The only person Lucas has a thing for is himself. “Look, Ariel, I’m sorry if I’m neglecting you. I promise I’ll make it up to you, but right now I need to get this done.” I turn her around and steer her out of my room, closing the door before she can protest.

  I go back over and sit down on my bed, my mind blown. No. I know Lucas. If that was his problem, then I would’ve picked up on it. Wouldn’t I? I shift so my legs are tucked under me and sigh. I spent so long trying to get over him, and now Ariel drops this bombshell on me? What if it is true? Does it change anything?

  After last night, it changes everything.

  I pick up my notepad, determined to forget about my conversation with Ariel. At least until after the summer. Lying back on my bed, I continue reading, but the words refuse to stick in my head. I give up and shove everything off the mattress. I’m not going to be able to concentrate until I figure out the truth. Only I don’t know how I’m going to get it, short of asking Lucas directly. And that’s never going to happen. Groaning, I roll over and bury my face in my pillow.

  When did my life become so complicated?

  Chapter Eighteen

  Lacey

  It’s one of those mornings where I don’t want to get out of bed. I lie there and stare at the ceiling, waiting until the very last second before I drag myself from under the warmth of the covers. My heart feels heavy as I step into the shower. The water—colder than I’d like—runs over me. Any other day I’d be cursing Ariel for her half-hour showers, but today I don’t care.

  It’s Thursday, November 28. Today would have been Allie’s twenty-ninth birthday. I’m sad for what she went through, for what she’s missing out on, for the pain her parents must go through every day. I don’t remember much about her and I feel guilty about that. I should’ve tried harder to remember the little things about her. I was only young went she died, but that shouldn’t matter. I should still be able to remember something.

  I check my phone and see messages from my parents. I text them back, letting them know that I’m okay and that I love them. The only time I ever feel support from them is this day. How ironic it is that her death is the only thing that holds us together.

  At work, I struggle to keep my mind off Allie. I sit at my desk and force myself to concentrate on reading through the last stack of files scattered around me. None of the information is sinking in, though, so I decide to take a break.

  “Coffee?” I ask Aaron as I pass his desk. He looks up.

  “Rebecca can get that. You’re not here to make coffee for me,” he says, his dark eyes sparkling. Why am I here? He picks up the phone. “Cream? Sugar?”

  “Yes to both,” I mumble.

  “Are you okay? You’ve been quiet all day.” He looks at me with such concern that my heart skips a beat.

  “Because I’m usually so chatty?” I reply.

  He shrugs and I smile.

  “I’m fine, just tired.” And I am tired. I struggled to sleep at all last night. I stifle a yawn and retreat to my desk, unaware that he is right behind me.

  “Get your jacket. I want to show you something.”

  I jump and spin around. He wants to show me something? I drop my gaze, heat spreading to my cheeks as he laughs.

  “It’s not whatever it is you’re thinking.”

  I grab my jacket and stalk out ahead of him, hating the effect he has on me. Why did my mind go there? I hate him for being so damn charming.

  He catches up to me, his soft chuckles infuriating me even more. He grabs my arm, pulling me to a stop.

  “Sorry, that was inappropriate. Sometimes I forget you’re my intern.”

  “And other times?” I ask, my tone bold. I level my gaze and don’t look away.

  The elevator stops and we step inside. We’re alone, so of course I’m all hot and bothered and on the verge of passing out. Why did I ask that? Please don’t answer. But he’s already responding with the way he’s staring at me. It’s like the kiss all over again—the one we’ve never spoken of. It’s been a week since we kissed and he acts as if nothing happened. I can’t read him and it’s confusing the hell out of me. All I want to know is where I stand, because I can’t take this back-and-forth for much longer.

  “Where are we going?” I ask in a feeble attempt to move the conversation off this track.

  “You’ll see. I think it will help you.”

  I don’t think anything will help me today.

  We don’t speak again until we reach his car. He opens the door for me and I thank him. My thighs slide against the soft leather as his smell intoxicates me. I tuck my hands beneath the safety of my knees and shiver, suddenly cold.

  I give up trying to figure out where he’s taking me, and instead I sit back and enjoy the ride. We travel up into the Blue Mountains, his car handling the windy road with ease. The radio pumps out classic rock music, but I barely hear it. In my head all I can think about is Allie.

  He pulls into a clearing and parks the car. Surrounded by bushland, I stare out the window, confused. He opens his door, motioning for me to do the same. Sighing, l get out, wrapping my arms around my body.

  “Through here.” He walks ahead and I follow him down a narrow dirt track. Stones dig into my heels, making me wince. If I’d known we were going bushwalking, I’d have worn my runners. I laugh at how stupid this all is. I’m an intern for the top criminal attorney in the country and he has me bushwalking. But then again, a week ago making out with him in his car would’ve sounded far-fetched too.

  “Something funny?” he asks, turning around so I can see his raised eyebrow.

  “Just never thought I’d be doing this when I accepted this internship.”

  “It will make sense in a minute. Trust me.”

  He jumps down a rocky embankment and puts his hand out for me to take. I do, ignoring the thrill pulsating through me when his fingers touch mine. I jump down, stumbling forward against him. He steadies me as I press my free hand against his muscular chest, the silky fabric of his shirt soft against my fingertips.

  “Careful,” he murmurs. His eyes lock onto mine. “What do you see?”

  It takes me a second to realize he’s not talking about himself, but the stunning view behind us. My breath catches in my throat as I stare out at the city in the distance. I’m speechless, and still confused as ever why he brought me here.

  “It’s beautiful,” I say, finally finding my voice. I sink to the ground, taking everything in. “But I don’t understand.”

  He sits beside me, his legs bent, his arm resting on his knees.

  “I know what today is for you.”

  I look sharply at him.

  “The anniversary of Allie’s death.”

  “You know about that?” I reply. My voice shakes. How would he even know that? That wouldn’t even show up in a background check.

  “It wasn’t that hard to work out. It’s was a high profile case. You have the same last name, and when I realized who your father was, I put it all together.” He stares at me through hooded eyes before continuing. “You’ve been away with the fairies all morning and I realized why,” he speaks softly. He looks up and takes in the view, not speaking for a moment. “This place is where my wife killed herself and my daughter.”

  My heart stops beating. I stare at him, shocked and unable to speak. I can’t even begin to understand what must be going through his head. A thousand questions bounce around in my mind, yet I
can’t pinpoint one to ask.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper. My voice shakes as I force the words out of my mouth. What else can I say? My heart aches for him, but I know there are no words to fix this. “What happened?” I say, my voice soft.

  “It happened a long time ago. She wasn’t well, my wife. I spent years blaming myself, and hating her for what she did. I threw myself into my work to try and numb the pain.” He lets out a gravelly laugh. “It’s amazing what heartache can do for your career.”

  “How old was your daughter?” I whisper. I brush away a single tear that has made its way down my cheek. He smiles at me through glassy eyes.

  “Seven.” He picks up a twig from the ground and crushes it between his fingers. “Her name was Laurie.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I repeat. I’m at a loss for words, because nothing I say will mean anything. “Was she your only child?” I ask.

  “I have a son, too, but we don’t speak.” He glances up, squinting into the bright sunlight. “I wasn’t exactly the best father to my kids. I let them down more times than I care to admit, and after Laurie died, things got worse.”

  “It’s never too late to try and fix things,” I say.

  Cringing, I want to kick myself, because it is too late. It’s too late for Laurie. My words hang in the air as neither of us speak, until finally I clear my throat.

  “Why did you bring me here?”

  “Because I wanted to show you that beauty can be found in even the most horrific, tragic circumstances,” he says. His dark eyes flash with pain. “Sometimes life just plain sucks. There’s always going to be things you wish you could change, or things you wish you could do. The key is to not live with regrets.”

  He can’t know it, but he’s describing me perfectly. All I ever do is hold myself back.

  I stare out ahead of me, his words sinking in. Find something good. What good could possibly be found in Allie’s death? Or Lucas rejecting me? Or Aaron losing his wife and daughter? Pain is everywhere and there’s nothing that can be done to fix it. How is that okay? Life can be cruel, and no amount of soul-searching is going to change that.