Conflicted

by Missy Johnson

  “Should you?” he asks.

  I tilt my head and fall into his kiss. His mouth presses against mine, his touch sending shivers down my spine. I feel my guard drop as I melt into his arms. The kiss deepens as his hands move under my dress. Gasping, I lift my head back and press my body against his. My eyes fly open as his hardness brushes against my thigh and he grins, amused at my surprise.

  “You’re shocked that you have this effect on me?” he murmurs, pushing my head to one side. His tongue touches my neck, dragging along my bare skin as I breathe deeply. “You’re fucking incredible, Lacey.”

  He reaches behind my back and unclasps my bra, manoeuvring the straps from my shoulders. I shiver as it falls away, leaving me exposed and at his mercy. He rolls my nipples between his fingertips. I cry out, my grasp on his neck tightening, my nails digging in so far I draw blood.

  “Let’s get rid of this,” he mutters, forcing the dress from my body. My bra falls away completely, and I blush as he stands there staring at me, his expression one of hunger. He yanks me closer to him, his mouth finding my breast, leaving me gasping for air as he sucks on my nipple. “All I want is you,” he groans as he unbuckles his pants.

  He takes my hand and shoves it inside his pants, wrapping my palm around his girth as he kisses me roughly. I’m on fire, my body reacting to his in ways I never thought possible. As his lips fight mine, my heart begins to pound, his words repeating in my head.

  All I want is you. All. I. Want. Is. You.

  They’re five little words that are confusing me even more, because as much as I want to want to be with Aaron, deep down I know that given the choice, I would take this moment with someone else every single time. Lucas. How can I go through with this, knowing that?

  Gasping, I pull away from him, angry at myself for letting Lucas get inside my head yet again.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “I can’t do this.”

  Letting go of him, I run my hand through my hair as I gather my things, shoving my jacket and purse in my backpack. All I can think about is getting out of here before I make a bigger fool of myself. If that’s even possible.

  “What are you doing? It’s one in the morning,” Aaron says, grabbing my arm. I don’t care what time it is. I have to get away from him before I do something I regret. I shrug him off and start for the door, but he jumps in front of me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Lacey, talk to me. I’m not letting you leave like this.”

  “I can’t, I have to go,” I mutter, refusing to look at him.

  “You’re not going anywhere,” he says firmly. “You’ll have my bed, okay? I’ll sleep on the couch.” I open my mouth to argue and he places his finger at my lips, silencing me. “No arguments.”

  Sighing, I nod, if only to avoid Ariel asking questions as to where I’ve been half the night—as if not coming home at all is going to result in any less interrogating. I stand awkwardly as he sets the couch up for himself, the whole time telling myself why this is such a bad idea.

  I should’ve just gone home.

  Chances are Ariel wouldn’t have even heard me get back. But it’s too late now. I’m stuck here, where I’m guaranteed to get no sleep because I can’t get either of them out of my head.

  He leads me to his bedroom, makes sure I’m okay, and then he leaves, closing the door behind him. He makes no more attempts to try and talk to me, which I appreciate. I can’t even think straight at the moment. I undress and then crawl under the covers, snuggling up to his pillow. I close my eyes and breathe in, his smell surrounding me.

  When it came down to really being with Aaron I couldn’t do it, for the same reason I’ve never had a serious boyfriend in my life: Lucas. As much as I want to believe I’m over him, I’m not. It’s that simple.

  The sooner I deal with that, the better.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Lucas

  It’s barely six in the morning and I haven’t slept at all.

  I stand in the park opposite my father’s building, where I’ve been half the night. The sun is just beginning to rise. I have no idea why I’m just standing here, but I can’t walk away—not until I work up the courage to speak to him. Tracking down his address was easy. Figuring out what to say to the guy who abandoned me after my mother killed herself and my sister is a whole other story. No internet search can help that one.

  I sit down on the damp grass and stare at his building. What am I going to say? Am I going to accuse him of using Lacey to get to me? What if I have everything wrong? Maybe this is a coincidence and he has no idea who she is to me. I laugh. I’m kidding myself if I believe that.

  I bow my head and rub my neck, the aching in my back easing for a moment. My head pounds—a combination of fatigue and stress. My phone buzzes, as it’s done all night. I check it and see a message from Harry, asking me where I am. I snort at his concern, knowing he probably just wants my car, which is parked behind the bar I left it at last night.

  I get to my feet. Either I do this or I go home. I walk across the deserted street and over to his building. The pounding in my chest becomes louder as I near the entrance. God, I’m shaking so hard I can barely walk. I try telling myself this isn’t a big deal, that I’m making this into more than it needs to be, but even I don’t believe that lie. This is the man who rejected me my whole life. He wasn’t there when I needed him most and I’ll never forgive him for that. This isn’t about reconnecting with my father; any chance of that is long gone. Now, it’s about protecting the most important person in my life.

  I can’t do it.

  Just as I reach the door, I walk straight past, stopping outside the next building. Cursing, I take my anger out on its brick exterior. I launch my foot against it and stumble back. I bend over and rest my hands on my knees, trying to contain my rage.

  I just can’t face him—not without resurfacing everything I’ve worked so hard to suppress.

  I turn around and lean against the building. I close my eyes, wishing I knew what to do. What is the right thing? Do I let it go or fight? Each has its own set of consequences. This whole thing is a mess and I have no idea what I’m going to do to fix it. That’s the thing: there is no fix for this.

  Just go home, get some sleep, and figure it out when you can think straight.

  Shoving my hands in my pockets, I admit defeat and push myself off the wall. I’m about to walk off when I see her. Lacey. I can’t breathe as I watch her push through the revolving doors of his building back onto the street as though she’s on a mission. Her hair blows in the wind, trailing down her back over her charcoal jacket. She walks fast, as if she’s late for something. Or wanting to get away from something. I want to call out to her, but I don’t, because I don’t want to explain why I’m here and I don’t want to hear why she is. Because there’s only one explanation.

  I search my mind, wanting so badly to come up with another reason she’d be leaving his building at six in the fucking morning, but I can’t think of one. Because there isn’t one, because there’s only one explanation and it kills me.

  My best friend, the girl I’ve been in love with since forever, is fucking my father.

  Trailing a few blocks behind, I follow her all the way home. Then, because that isn’t enough, I sit out the front of her place for what feels like hours. She doesn’t notice me, because if she did she’d be outside, wanting to know what was wrong. So I just sit there, my anger brewing, until I’m nearly at boiling point.

  What the fuck is she thinking? She may not know he’s my father, but he’s still twenty years older than she is. What the hell makes her think that’s okay?

  If I don’t get out of here now, I’ll end up doing something I’ll regret.

  Reluctantly, I pull myself up from the grass and brush the dirt off my arse. I’m tired, hungry, and still so angry.

  With one last glance over my shoulder at her bedroom window, I storm off.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lacey

  I ca
n’t stop thinking about Aaron, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s more than that. I think about Aaron because it gives me a legitimate reason to not to think about Lucas.

  Work is awkward, mainly because I don’t know where our night together leaves us. I’m not the type of girl who just falls into a guy’s bed, and while it didn’t go as far as it could have, it still went further than it should have. Especially considering he’s seventeen years older than I am. And my boss. While I know this internship is only temporary, I almost slept with a man nearly twice my age and I don’t know how I feel about it. That isn’t going to go away.

  Then on top of all of that, there is Lucas.

  He is the reason I couldn’t go through with last night. I’m angry that even after all these years, my feelings are still haunting me. I wish Ariel had kept her mouth shut. But even as I think that, I know it’s not true.

  Sitting at my desk, I’m working my way through some files Aaron left out for me, when he calls me into his office. I stand outside his door and take a deep breath. What is he going to say? That last night was a mistake? Or that he wants to see me again? After the way he left me this morning, I’m not sure what I want right now. I like him, but it’s so much more complicated than that.

  “Close the door,” he says, not looking up from his laptop.

  I do, and walk over to his desk where I sit. I clasp my hands together tightly in my lap and wait for him to speak. I can’t even meet his eyes because I’m feeling so embarrassed.

  “Are you okay?”

  I clear my throat, buying myself time to think about that question. Am I okay? Not really. I woke up this morning in his bed, alone, to find he wasn’t home. No note or anything. Is he angry that I stopped him last night? Even though I have no right, I feel used, and I hate feeling that way.

  “I’m feeling a little off,” I mumble. It’s not a complete lie, and I can’t bring myself to be honest with how I’m feeling. “Maybe I’m coming down with something,” I add, to give my story more substance. He nods, but doesn’t look convinced.

  “I’m sorry I had to leave so abruptly. I was called out, and I didn’t see the point in waking you.” He hesitates, and then rises from his chair. He wanders over to the window and gazes out, his hand in his pocket. “I feel like we’ve stepped over the line of what’s appropriate for our relationship.”

  I smirk, quickly wiping it off my face when he raises his eyebrows. He’s my boss. Of course we have.

  “Sorry, I just thought that went without saying,” I mutter, feeling the need to explain myself.

  “Probably, but it doesn’t hurt to be clear.” He sighs and walks back over to his chair. “Lacey, I just want you to know what happened last night…well, at least what nearly happened.” He sighs and starts again. “I’m not in the habit of sleeping with my interns. Or anyone I work with, for that matter. In fact, I’m pedantic about not mixing work with my personal life. I just want to assure you that it won’t be happening again.”

  I nod, my heart sinking. How disappointed I feel confuses me.

  “Is that all?” I ask, getting to my feet. He nods, watching me closely as I walk to the door.

  “Lacey?”

  I turn around.

  “Take the rest of the day off and go home and rest. You look like shit.”

  “Thanks,” I mutter. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or insulted.

  I stalk back to my desk to gather my things. My head is buzzing. I’m so confused right now and it scares me. If there’s one thing I have control over in my life, it’s knowing where I’m headed, but ever since starting this internship I’ve felt like I’m walking through the streets of a foreign country with no map. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. I’m starting to wish Professor Jameson hadn’t put my name forward. I regret ever meeting Aaron Wilmot. My life was so much easier before he came into it.

  “You look like shit.”

  I look up from the booth I’m sitting at and glare at Lucas. He smirks back as he slides into the booth opposite me. I’m starting to think that maybe I do look like shit.

  “Thanks,” I mutter. “I’m hearing that a lot today. And it took you long enough to get here.”

  “Be grateful I dropped everything to meet you.” He leans across the table and steals one of my fries. I shove the whole basket over to him. “So what’s up? Your boss working you too hard?”

  “No, I just…” I sigh, realizing he’s in one of his moods. I don’t want to spill the whole story to Lucas, but how else is he going to understand? Either way, I can’t talk to him while he’s like this. “I’m just having a bad day. Work is getting to me,” I admit.

  “Oh?” he says with interest. His eyes narrow. “Maybe you’re taking on too much?”

  “Maybe,” I mumble. I don’t like his tone, but the last thing I need is to get into an argument with Lucas. I think about Ariel’s text. If something is wrong, then he’ll need his friends—whether he wants them or not. “How are you?”

  “Me?” he asks. He shrugs his shoulders, his eyes growing dark. “We didn’t come here to talk about me, did we? You sounded pretty distressed when you called me. Now you want to talk about me?”

  “Sorry, I’m just being nice,” I say with a frown. What’s with all this attitude? “What’s wrong with you? If you’re just going to snap at me then you might as well leave.”

  “I’m sorry, Lace.” He meets my gaze and gives me a small smile. “I’m going through some shit too.”

  “You want to talk about it?” I ask.

  He shakes his head, so I leave it. Getting Lucas to open up is hard at the best of times. I’d have no hope at the moment. The best thing I can do is wait until he’s ready to tell me. If ever.

  “So, are you going to tell me why you dragged me all the way over here? I was in the middle of a Suits marathon.”

  “You hate that show,” I reply, amused.

  “Yeah, I just wanted a reminder why I hate it so much,” he replies. “So?”

  “We haven’t caught up in a while,” I finally say. “I miss you.”

  His face softens and he reaches across the table for my hand. When his fingers entwine with mine, my heart begins to pound. I stare across at him, overcome with a sudden rush of emotion.

  He’s got his own issues to work out. He doesn’t need me adding to them. So I suck it up and bury my problems and pretend there’s nothing wrong apart from being overworked.

  Tossing my keys on the counter, I undress and make my way down to the bathroom. Ariel isn’t here, so I’ve got the place to myself and I intend on making the most of it. After a long soak in the bath and an entire bottle of red wine—something very out of character for me—I’m feeling much more relaxed as I sprawl out on the couch in my robe and nothing else.

  It’s only three in the afternoon, so probably a little early to be tipsy, but after the week I’ve had, I don’t care. My phone rings. I pick it up and answer without checking the number.

  “Lacey? Finally!” Mum’s voice comes out in a huff and I cringe. I curse the wine, blaming it for my sudden lapse in concentration. Never answer the phone without checking the number. That’s like the most important rule I have.

  “Hi Mum,” I say.

  “Could you sound any less enthused?” Mum snaps. “Your father is beside himself. He’s been trying to reach you all week,” she adds, not waiting for me to respond.

  “Sorry, I’ve been busy,” I mumble. I rub my head, all that tension returning.

  “Too busy to pick up the phone and let us know you’re still alive?”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat, knowing the only way to end this conversation is to admit that I’m wrong. In my parents’ eyes, I’m always wrong. “Was there anything else or did you just call to have a go at me?” I cringe as the words leave my mouth. All I’m doing is adding fuel to the fire. I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but this conversation can only get better.

  “Lacey,” Mum gasps. “Excuse me for wanting to see how you’
re going, and for thinking you might be interested in us.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say for what feels like the tenth time. If there’s one thing my mother does well, it’s lay on the guilt. “I will get back soon to see you guys. It’s just I’m really busy at the moment.”

  “That’s the other thing.” Mum pauses, choosing her words carefully. My grip on my phone tightens as I dread her next words. “Your father is pretty upset. He heard through one of the younger prosecutors that you’re working for Aaron Wilmot?” She laughs, her pitch rising. “I told him that’s ridiculous. You’d never do such a thing and not tell us.” She pauses for effect. “Would you?”

  She knows I would. I’ve done it before.

  “I didn’t tell you because—”

  “God, you’re kidding me. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for your father that you’re working for him, of all people? You know how he feels about Aaron Wilmot. And why? What could you possibly be learning from him when you made it very clear that law was something that didn’t hold your interest?”

  “I never said law didn’t interest me,” I say quietly. “And to be honest, I’m learning a lot. This internship is one of the best things to happen to me. It’s going to be great for my career—”

  “Your career, Lacey?” Mum lets out a harsh laugh. “Please don’t insult your father and I by calling what you’re doing a career.”

  I sigh. I’ve had enough. Every single interaction with my parents is like this. God forbid I do something that they don’t approve of. I’ll never do anything right because it’s never what they planned for me. The sooner I accept that, the better off I’ll be.

  “My phone is going flat,” I lie, rubbing my forehead. “I’ll call you back later, okay?” She’s still arguing with me as I end the call, and I can’t help but laugh. So much for relaxing. I throw my phone across the room, watching it bounce off the carpet and skitter along the tiles in the kitchen.