Never Let Go (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  “She was so different when you were around. Always strict of course, but… well at least she talked to me. When we were at one of her charity things or she had friends round she wanted to impress, she was a completely different woman. The perfect mother. But when we were alone, she was so quick to tell me how much I disappointed her – how I never tried hard enough, how I gave up on everything… how I killed Livvie.”

  “You know that’s not true,” Dad butted in without a second’s hesitation. “Tell me you know that’s not true? You were a baby yourself, Emily. The only people to blame for not watching Olivia near that water are me and Jocelyn. We were the grown ups. We were responsible for her. Yet we were too busy trying to impress the new neighbours to keep an eye on our children. Nothing about that day was your fault. It was… a tragic accident.”

  “I don’t blame myself anymore. Or at least, I’m learning not to. I did for a long time – my whole life. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Dad. A lot happened while I was away in America – a lot of really heavy stuff that I’m kind of scared to tell you about. Yet somehow the experience changed me for the better too. It made me stronger – taught me to believe in myself. I met a therapist there who helped me through so much – all the guilt, the pain… the confusion. I’m in a good place now, Dad. Or I was, until Chris told me about… you know.” I still struggle to say the word. The ‘C’ word. I shudder at the mere thought of it.

  “Do you want to tell me what happened in the States, princess?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “Yeah I think I do.”

  **********

  “Um… are we interrupting?” Dad and I snapped our necks around towards the sound of Chris’ voice. He and Dexter were standing in the doorway, covered in dirt and grease.

  “No. Dad was just showing me some pictures of Mum. She was so pretty.” Chris raised an eyebrow and I couldn’t tell if it was an expression of shock, suspicion, or if he was impressed. Probably a little of all three. “And have you seen these?” I asked, picking up a tiny turtle ornament. “Apparently they were in Kinder Eggs when you were little. She used to collect them to give you when you were older. There are dozens in here. You should set them out in your room.”

  “You can have them, Emmie.”

  “She kept them for you,” I countered.

  “That was before she knew she was having you. Ornaments are a girl’s thing. If she’d have still been around to give them to me when I was older, I probably would’ve tried to pull the arms off or melt them in the oven or something.”

  “Um… turtles don’t have arms, Chris.”

  “Whatever. Keep them. You’ll take better care of them than I will.” It was in that moment his expression betrayed the words that came out of his mouth. The way he looked at me so sadly, so intently… like he was committing the image of my face to his memory – I knew what he really meant was, they’ll be mine in a few months anyway. When he’s gone. When he’s… dead.

  “You’re right. You’ll probably lose them in the pile of crap littering your bedroom floor,” I teased, not wanting him to know I’d cottoned on to his true meaning. “I swear your room stinks like a thirteen year old boy’s.”

  “So… you two are good?” he asked curiously, flipping his gaze between my dad and me. I glanced sideways to my dad and noticed his greying eyebrows furrow as if he was nervously awaiting my response.

  “Yeah,” I said with a smile. “Yeah we’re good.”

  My dad’s smile stretched so wide across his face I’m surprised his lips didn’t split. I smiled back, feeling content. Every so often I caught Dad staring at Chris’ head and the pain was visible on his face. It’s difficult seeing Chris with no hair. It’s like it confirms he is in fact dying. There’s no escaping it now. If somehow you manage to forget for just a fraction of a second, one look at his bald head brings it all crashing back down on you with so much force it takes your breath away for a moment.

  **********

  “Hey, ho,” Rachel answered on the first ring.

  “That was quick.”

  “I had the phone in my hand, checking Facebook. I swear it’s better than Jeremy Kyle.” I wouldn’t know. I only have a handful of friends on Facebook so don’t see the point in checking it. “How was therapy this morning?”

  Dexter has been going to see his new therapist for a few weeks on his own now, but this morning I went along too. Like Jeff, this one wanted to see me too. He’s called Jacob, and also like Jeff he’s unconventional and easy to talk to.

  “Good. I think. Dexter was… very honest.”

  “Um, why do you sound like that’s a bad thing?”

  “It’s not. It’s just… well I suppose it’s hard hearing him say he still thinks about using. Even though I know he’ll always feel like that, it’s just a worry, you know?”

  “Yeah. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. But it’s good that he’s telling you though right?”

  “Definitely. If he’s being honest it means he’s not going out and doing it. It’s just difficult.”

  “Well I don’t think he’d dare mess with my girl again. I’ve already told him if he does I’ll knock him on his arse and run over his bollocks until they’re nothing but bags of dust.”

  “And I have no doubt that’s the truth!” I agreed, laughing. She always makes me feel better, even if it’s by threatening violence on my boyfriend.

  “Sooooo, I have news.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I had my scan this morning. We’re having girls!”

  “OH MY GOD! Why didn’t you tell me? Rach, that’s awesome!”

  “I knew you had the therapy session and I thought you should concentrate on that rather than wondering how I was getting on.”

  “That’s ridiculous. You’re my best friend – whatever’s going on in my head I’ll always make room for you.” Guilt pinged in my belly when I said the words, because not so long ago I didn’t make room for her. “I don’t ever want us to go through stuff without each other again.”

  “Me either,” she concurred.

  “But girls? I’m so excited! We can dress them up in the same outfits, play with their hair, teach them how to put makeup on. I can’t wait!”

  “Me too! I said the same thing to Jaz and all I got was a ‘they’re babies not Barbies’ speech.”

  “Meh, he’s a man. Men are stupid.”

  “Yep,” she agreed and I could hear her smile through the line. “So how’s Chris?”

  “Ok I guess. He should get the results of his scan tomorrow.”

  “And that’ll tell him?”

  “Whether it’s shrunk, or slowed down. If it hasn’t it means the chemo isn’t working. I don’t even want to consider that being a possibility right now. He looks so ill without hair – not like my brother at all. And he’s started getting these dark circles round his eyes like he’s not getting enough sleep, yet I’ve never known him sleep so much. It’s really started hitting home lately. I’m losing him, and I’ve never been so scared about anything in my life.”

  “You know what we should do? Go on holiday. All of us. You and the American, me and Jared, and Chris too. It could be our last chance before I pop and before… well, you know.”

  “Before Chris dies,” I finished for her, feeling brave enough to say it out loud to her for the first time. Does that mean I’m finding it easier to deal with? No. I think I might just be starting to accept it. “Sounds great… but we can’t afford a holiday right now.”

  “Doesn’t have to be anywhere expensive, ho. How about a weekend in Blackpool? Come on, admit it… that would be so much fun.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “I’ll ask Dex and Chris, see what they think.”

  “Sure. And I’ll just tell Jared,” she said with amusement in her voice. “He does as he’s told. I’ve trained him good.”

  After squealing and giggling for a little longer about the fact Rachel is having baby girls, we hung up the phone and I said I’d call her again tomorrow. But fo
r now, I had to make my way into work and draw up some invoices. I thought about Blackpool and how awesome it would be all the way there, and when I walked into the garage, I had a beaming smile on my face.

  “Why do you look like the cat who got the cream?” Chris asked, rubbing his oily hands on an equally oily cloth.

  “I hope nobody’s been servicing you while I was servicing this car,” Dexter added. Rolling my eyes, I plastered a conceited smirk on my face.

  “Mate, remember that’s my sister yeah?”

  Dexter chuckled when a shiver tickled Chris’ spine.

  “Sure. Sorry, man.” He so wasn’t. “So seriously, why are you smiling so hard? Not that I’m complaining.”

  “Rachel’s having girls. How cool is that?”

  “Awesome,” Dexter said with an impressed nod.

  “She’ll make a great mum,” Chris said solemnly, sweeping the floor with his eyes. I pondered if he was wondering whether he would ever get chance to meet her babies… but I didn’t say it out loud.

  “She also said we should all head to Blackpool for a weekend. A last trip together before she ‘pops’ as she put it. What do you think?” I asked brightly, hoping to lighten the sudden shift in mood.

  “Wow. Not been to Blackpool in years. Remember when we used to go as kids, Emmie?”

  “Yeah. Jocelyn had an annual convention there for something or another, and Dad would take us on the donkeys while she was busy.”

  “No. Dad would take you on the donkeys. I was a teenager by then. Far too cool to be seen riding on the back of one those bad boys. I was too busy trying to sneak out of Dad’s sight so I could flirt with girls.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, giggling. “Sounds about right.”

  “But yeah, I think it sounds like a great idea.”

  “I’m in,” Dexter added. “Never been to Blackpool. I hear it’s supposed to be the UK version of Vegas?”

  Chris and I burst into violent fits of laughter simultaneously.

  “I’d forget you ever heard that,” I said, breathless from laughing. “Or you’re going to be severely disappointed when you get there.”

  “We’re going to have to wait a few weeks though. I’ll need to see if Ernie will come back and cover this place for a couple of days. Next week we have an appointment with my solicitor and-”

  “Solicitor?” I interrupted.

  “It’s time to sign the garage over to you, Emmie.” My heart sank – slithering slowly down into my stomach where it stopped beating for a few seconds. “I’ve got some forms in the office you need to sign too. I’m in the process of having you added to the business bank account.”

  “We have plenty of time yet,” I argued, dismissing him.

  “Emmie,” he breathed, walking over to me and placing his hand on my shoulder. “We don’t know how much time we’ve got. I want everything in place before it happens, or before I get too sick to think clearly.”

  “O-okay,” I croaked, swallowing the choking lump of sadness swelling in my throat.

  “But tell Rach to count us in. It’ll be good to have something to look forward to.”

  “Great,” I agreed, forcing a smile. “Now get back to work. That car won’t fix itself!” I ordered, calling behind me as I sauntered into the office with an authoritative point of my finger.

  “Yes, boss!” they chirped at the same time.

  Then, closing the door behind me, I sank down to my desk and let out a silent cry for my brother. I miss him already.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Dexter

  “Hey, sweet cheeks,” I greeted, wrapping Aunt Sarah in my arms when she turned up at our house. “You look beat.”

  “Double shift,” she admitted. “But I’m almost done with re-training and I’ve been looking into being a community midwife when I’m finished,” she continued, releasing herself from our hug and walking over to the couch.

  “And what’s the difference?”

  “It means I’d spend most of my time working in the community – assisting home births, visiting new moms, carrying out routine check ups in doctors surgeries…” she explained. “The hospital’s great, but I’m not liking being hold up inside all day. I think I’d rather be ‘out there’.”

  “Cool,” I agreed. “Coffee?”

  “Please, honey.”

  Nodding, I turned to head into the kitchen. However when I heard the front door open, I paused by the doorjamb and looked back.

  “Doll?” I inquired, noticing Emily walking into the house with her father trailing behind her.

  “My dad’s going to be staying with us for a few days,” she told me. “Hey, Sarah,” she added when she saw her sitting on the couch.

  “I’ve left Jocelyn,” Derek announced. Well that was just about the smartest decision I think the asshole has ever made. Don’t get me wrong I’m pleased Emily’s working it out with him, but it’s going to take a lot of effort on his part for me to ever believe he’s good enough to be a part of her life. “She’s stopped all my cards – told the bank they were stolen. But as soon as I sort access to my money out, I’ll check into a hotel.”

  “You can’t stay here,” Aunt Sarah piped up, standing from her seat. I flashed her a ‘what the fuck’ look but she waved me off with her hand. “There’re only two rooms here. I have a spare – it makes more sense you come and stay with me.”

  “Um…” Derek mumbled.

  “Sarah you don’t have to do that,” Emily said. “You don’t even know him.”

  “He made you, so he can’t be that bad,” she answered with that smile of hers that renders people unable to say ‘no’ to her. “Derek yes?”

  “Yes,” he said, holding out his hand as she walked closer.

  “I’m Sarah - Dexter’s aunt,” she conceded, shaking his hand. “There. Now we know each other.”

  “Well, Sarah,” Derek said, sounding her name out on his tongue. “That’s awfully nice of you, thank you.”

  “I only stopped by for a coffee and a quick catch up with my boy here. I’ll be heading home soon so you can follow in your car if you’d like?”

  “Sounds good. I’m very grateful.”

  “So things aren’t going well at home?” she went on to ask Derek, donning her agony aunt cape. I turned for the kitchen and cocked my head for Em to follow. Once we were alone I turned to her with the most baffled expression on my face.

  “What the fuck was that?”

  “I have no idea. Probably just Sarah being Sarah. You know she was born with a need to help others.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “I have to say I’m kinda relieved. I don’t think Percy would feel comfortable servicing his daughter while he slept downstairs.”

  “You’re impossible.” She rolled her big blue eyes at me but her smile betrayed the irritation she was trying to project. “I can’t believe he’s left her. It feels weird. Not bad – I mean I’m in no way upset… it’s just strange.”

  “Best move he’s ever made if you ask me.”

  “I didn’t,” she retorted. But then she smiled again and I knew she wasn’t really pissed. “You should leave for the garage soon. You have your assessor coming again in an hour. I’ll follow when they’ve left.”

  “Plenty of time. I want to give you a ride today.” In more ways than one, my immature brain silently tacked on. She looked up at me warily. She still doesn’t feel comfortable on the back of my bike. “Come on, doll. Jenny’s as good as new.” I gripped her at the waist, pulling her into me and burying my head in her neck. “I’ve been dying to feel you behind me again. You’re sexy as fuck when you straddle my bike.”

  “Fine,” she agreed reluctantly. “But I refuse to open my eyes.”

  “That’s your prerogative, doll,” I whispered into her neck before trailing soft kisses along her jaw and then settling my lips on hers. “Fuck,” I groaned into her mouth. “I wish we were alone right now.” I tugged at her hand and pulled it down to my crotch. She smiled against my lips when she felt my t
hrobbing cock straining against the fabric of my pants, then after giving my tongue one last flick with hers, she pulled away.

  “I have coffee to make,” she said with a mischievous smile, knowing damn well she was tormenting the fuck out of me. “Here,” she tacked on, handing me a packet of cookies. “Take these through.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I saluted her, taking the cookies in one hand and adjusting my untimely bulge with the other. Don’t worry, I didn’t touch my naked junk while handling food. I did it through my jeans I swear. “I love you, doll,” I felt compelled to add before I left the room. Sometimes I have these moments where I just have to tell her… and no, they’re not just when I have an erection.

  **********

  “Fuck,” I whispered into the empty room. Chris and I had been for the results of his latest brain scan and even though we both planned to head into work afterwards, I came up with a bullshit excuse about leaving my cell at home so I could get away from him for an hour. Yeah I know it wouldn’t take a whole hour to grab it, so that’s why I planned to spend an hour ‘searching’ for it.

  As I flopped back onto the couch and pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers, it came. The itch. The craving. The desperation to forget…

  “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” I blasted into the silent air.

  This morning was just too much. We’d all laid so much silent hope on Chris’ chemo. Stupidly, I don’t think any of us had any doubt that it would work. But it hasn’t. The tumor is still growing and the likelihood is, Chris probably won’t be with us at Christmas this year.

  The worst part? I still had to break it to Emily.

  I planned to just sit around until I felt composed enough to face the world again, but with every blink visions of beautiful white lines and glasses of clear liquid numbness overwhelmed my mind. So, I did the only thing that ever manages to stop me from thinking – I changed into my sweats, headed outside and ran.