by Nicola Haken
In the beginning I often tortured myself with the thought I was doing the wrong thing by Emily. On paper I should despise him. He’s got more baggage than an airport carousel, he broke my sisters heart and he openly admits he still struggles every day not to pick up a bottle or something stronger. If I’m completely honest with myself I gave him a second chance because Emmie loves him and I knew I didn’t have the time to see her settled with anyone else. So yeah, that probably makes me a selfish prick – I should want only the very best for my baby sister, right?
But that’s the thing. Dexter is the best thing for her. I don’t quite know how it happened but the guy has become my very best friend. It sounds bizarre seeing as I haven’t actually known him that long but I already think of him as a brother. Sure, he’s got demons, but he fights them head on every fucking day and I can only admire him for that.
Under all the layers of shit he’s been through, he’s a great guy underneath. I don’t always think he sees that himself but it’s the truth. I’ll never know the ending to his and Emmie’s story but I do know that he would give up his life to protect her. He adores her… I’ve never actually seen two people so fiercely in love before. I don’t need anything else from him. He’ll keep my sister safe. I know he will.
And if he doesn’t, I’ll haunt the fucker for all eternity and he bloody well knows it.
“How’s the pain today?” He asks me this several times a day – just like everyone else. The only difference is, I tend to be honest with Dexter rather than playing it down to avoid worrying people.
“Bad,” I admitted. “Really fucking bad.”
“Well just let me know if it gets too much. I’ll make an excuse for you and you can go lie down or something.”
“Thanks, mate.”
Dexter waited for me while I pulled my shoes back on and grabbed my jacket, and then we headed to the room next door together.
“I got chips and soda!” Dexter called into the room upon opening the door. Raising the bag in his hands he went on to hand everyone a bag of crisps and a bottle of Coke. Emmie and Jared smiled gratefully at Rachel… well Rachel was Rachel.
“Argh! Damn you and your stupid American words!” she scolded before forcing out an exaggerated huff. “I thought you’d bought actual chips! I’m bloody starving over here. How the hell is a bag of crisps supposed to feed me and two babies?”
“After the size of the Subway you had for lunch, I don’t think your babies are gonna starve,” Dexter shot back with a smirk.
“We’re going out for dinner soon anyway, saffy,” Jared reasoned. “This’ll do to tide us over till then.”
Again Rachel huffed, causing each and every one of us to laugh at her.
“Fuck you. All of you.”
**********
With Dexter’s tendencies to get addicted to shit and the fact Rach is pregnant, we steered clear of bars and pubs and walked along the front of the beach, eating fish and chips instead. I had a little sombre moment with myself when I realised I’d been on my last pub-crawl. I’d probably had my last alcoholic drink without knowing at the time, and when I saw groups of friends spilling out of various bars without a care in the world I couldn’t help the stab of regret I felt in my chest.
I’ll never have that again.
“What the fuck…” Rachel mumbled to herself, hiding her face in her hands. Instinctively we all looked around and that’s when we caught sight of Jared strolling out of a joke shop sporting a pair of rubber tits and one of those headbands kids wear at Halloween that make it look like you’ve got a bloody knife passing through your skull. He blended in perfectly with the groups of drunken mates and hen and stag parties swarming the pavement. The only difference was that Jared was stone cold sober.
He made his way over to us holding two raised thumbs in front of him. I can’t say I really know this guy all that well but I couldn’t have picked anyone better for Rachel.
“How cool are these bad boys?” he asked, proudly cupping his fake tits and then squeezing the nipples. Dexter is usually a pretty serious soul so I think it surprised all of us when he bent down and teased a rubber nipple with his tongue.
“Hmmm,” he said. “I’ve tasted better.” And then he winked at my sister and I almost threw up right there in between the arcade and the joke shop.
“Dex!” I scolded. “That’s my sister!”
“Sorry, man,” he muttered, sniggering.
“Well I’m knackered so I think we’ll head back,” Rachel announced. “Plus I’m too embarrassed to be seen out in public with this dicktard,” she added, rolling her eyes in Jared’s direction.
“We’ll come too,” Emmie said. “We’ve got all week to explore, we don’t need to fit everything in tonight.”
“Actually, Emmie…” I interrupted. “I was hoping you’d take a walk with me.”
“Umm, okay,” she agreed, nervously pursing her eyebrows together. “Are you okay?”
“Apart from the fact I’m dying, sure.” I smiled at her and she tutted at me. She doesn’t like me making a joke out of the situation but if I don’t I will spend the rest of my days rocking back forth and crying into my knees.
“Guess I’ll see you back at the hotel,” Dexter said to Emmie, bending to kiss her. When I saw the flash of his tongue I looked away and forced out a cough.
“Hotel?” Rachel snapped. “You call that flea infested shithole a hotel?”
“Jesus, Snickers, are you capable of doing anything but whine lately?”
“Depends on the company,” she shot back. Then, smiling, she turned to head back in the direction of the B&B. Jared took hold of her wheelchair handles and started pushing her along, and then Dexter clapped me on the back before joining them on their way.
**********
I bought a bag of freshly baked donuts for me and Emmie to eat on the way to find somewhere to sit. You have to eat hot donuts in Blackpool. It’s like an unwritten law. After just a couple of minutes strolling along the seafront we found an empty bench in front of the rail that guarded the beach, overlooking the dark, rippling sea.
“Remember that time Dad dug a hole in the sand for you so you could take a shit?”
“What? That did not happen,” she denied, shaking her head in disgust. “Did it?”
“You were only three. Olivia was a tiny baby and Jocelyn was busy changing her nappy so she asked Dad to find you a toilet. There were none in sight and before he could take off looking you were screaming the damn beach down saying you were going to poo in your knickers. So he took you behind some steps leading down to the sand, dug a hole and… well you get the rest.”
“Oh my God! What if a little kid decided to build his sandcastle there afterwards?”
“Then he’d have gotten some free mortar to help stick his sand together.”
“Eww!” Emmie laughed and I took a moment just to watch her. I committed everything to memory – the way her dimples come out to play, the way she scrunches her nose up and squeezes her eyes shut. It was almost like I’d taken a photo of her and stored it in my brain. When I closed my eyes I could see her sitting there with the sea breeze sending her red hair flying in all different directions, and sporting the wide smile that made her look just like our Mum. That right there was how I want to remember my little sister. Happy. Laughing. Not by the sadness that will weigh her pretty features down when the end comes.
“I remember when you stopped coming with us.” The second she said it my heart sank. “It wasn’t that long after Livvie died, maybe a year, so you’d have been like sixteen or something. Obviously way too old and cool to come to the beach with your family.” She smiled as if she was joking but her dimples didn’t come out so I knew whatever she was thinking made her sad. “It was never the same. I didn’t get to go to the beach anymore. Jocelyn was busy with her charity functions and Dad would just keep us in the hotel room watching the free kids telly.”
“Emmie,” I breathed – guilt clogging my throat. “If I’d known�
�� if you’d have told me how hard they were on you…I-I-”
“You couldn’t have done anything, Chris. They were my parents, you couldn’t have taken me away or anything.”
“I could when I was older. When you were older. At the very least I could’ve knocked some fucking sense into Dad.”
“It wasn’t that bad. It’s not like I was abused or anything. I had the best of everything – big bedroom, big TV in my room, big collections of whatever I wanted.”
“But you weren’t happy. Every kid should be happy.”
“No,” she agreed with a sigh. “No I wasn’t. But I refuse to sit here wishing things had been different. Life is too short to obsess over the past. It’s done. Gone. I’ll never get those years back so why bother going over them in my head. The only thing that will do is waste time I could’ve been spending in the present. If there’s one thing the last couple of months has taught me it’s that the past is gone and the future might not come. Today is all that matters.”
“When did you get all grown up on me, eh?”
Emmie smiled coyly up at me, and then rummaged through the white paper bag in her hand and plucked out another donut.
“Are you scared?” Whoa… that came out of nowhere. I sighed deeply while I wondered whether to tell the truth or not.
“Not scared… more nervous I guess. I’ve accepted that I’m dying and I’m not scared to not exist anymore, but I can’t help wondering if it will be painful, or how long it will last. The thing that bothers me the most though is having to leave you… and Dex too.”
“You’ve really taken to each other,” she stated, with what can only be described as a proud smile.
“Yeah. He’s a good guy. I was wary at first after everything he’d been through and everything he’d put you through. But… now that I know him I understand his choices on some level. I know he loves you and he’ll take care of you, so that alone makes him one of the most important people in my life.”
“He will take care of me. And I’ll take care of him.” I smiled and reached beside me to take hold of her hand. “I don’t want this to be happening, Chris. I know that’s so selfish of me to say, because I know it’s not your choice, but… I’m scared. Not nervous like you… I’m downright terrified. I’ve always come to you for everything. You’re like two parents, a brother and a best friend all rolled into one. I feel like I’ll be nothing without you.”
“That’s not true, Emmie. You have Dexter now – it’s him you need to turn to. Whenever you’re stuck he’ll set you free again. Once I’m gone, you need to focus on the people you still have – the people who love you. I want you to promise me you’ll do that for me, Emmie. Promise me you’ll keep going.”
“I-I…I promise.” I stared at the lone tear as it dripped from her eye and slithered down her cheek before dropping onto the lapel of her jacket. Pulling her into me, I wrapped my arms around her back and squeezed her tightly with all the strength my weakening body held.
“I love you, Emmie,” I whispered into her hair.
“I love you too,” she said back, sniffling into my shirt.
Then, we stayed like that for God knows how long – cuddling each other as the sea breeze whipped our faces, while my silent tears started swimming down my face, straight into Emmie’s red curls.
I’m going to miss you…
**********
The last day of our holiday rolled around too soon. As exhausted as I was, I would miss seeing everyone so happy. I knew once we got back home, reality would continue. I’d have more hospital appointments, more solicitors meetings, more NVQ assessors showing up at the garage. But at least I’ve got this week to remember. It’s been amazing, despite the pain, exhaustion and sickness. It’s been a week filled with laughter – lots of laughter. A week of seeing smile after smile on Emmie’s face. A week of listening to Rachel rip the piss out of her boyfriend and a week of almost forgetting I had this murdering tumour eating away at my brain.
Almost.
“You look as bad as I feel,” I muttered to Rachel. Everyone else had gone out to the arcades but Rachel felt sick and I had a motherfucking headache from hell so we stayed behind. We were lying next to each other on Emmie and Dexter’s bed. She was propped up with pillows from all three of our rooms and I was lying flat on my back with my forearm shielding my eyes from the light.
“My belly is feeling a little squished because I have two ginormous humans in it. You’re dying. I think you win.”
I raised my arm off my eyes just long enough to smile at her. I love Rachel’s no bullshit attitude. I always have. She never beats around the bush – whatever comes out of her mouth matches what’s going on in her head and I really admire her for that.
“I don’t know, Rach. The idea of death seems a lot less terrifying than having to push two giant melons out of my jap’s eye.”
“Fucking don’t even go there, Chris. I am shitting myself.”
“You’ll be fine. You’ve got bigger balls than me, Rach. You’ll do great, and you’ll be an amazing mum too.”
There went that pang of sadness again. Emmie and Rachel have been inseparable most of their lives, so naturally I think of Rachel like a little sister too. I doubt I’ll be here to see her be a mother for long, but I hope I hold out long enough for even a small glimpse.
“You really think so?” she asked. “I sometimes wonder if I’m cut out for it. I mean, I swear too much, I get pissed off too easily and I’m too opinionated for my own good. And what if… well what if they’re embarrassed of me?”
“You’re their mother. Of course they’ll be embarrassed of you! But seriously… you’re an amazing girl, Rachel Mason. Underneath those tats and that big gob of yours, you’re one of the most fiercely loving people I’ve ever met. Those babies are lucky to have you as their mum. Jared on the other hand…” I teased and she swatted my stomach, making my knees jerk up in response.
“He may be a goofy moron but he’s my goofy moron,” she replied, winking at me.
“He seems like a good guy. Obviously adores you.”
“Yeah,” she breathed, but there was a tinge of awe in her voice that told me she still couldn’t quite believe it.
“You don’t think he does?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head slightly. “I know he does. It’s just sometimes I can’t believe I’ve been so lucky. I know he’s a goofball and we spend more time insulting each other than swapping ‘I love you’s’, but I adore him, Chris. He’s everything to me. He makes me feel special – not in the way my mum does, but in a way that makes me feel wanted. Loved. Important. You know what I mean?”
“I can imagine. I’ve never really experienced the being in love thing.” And now I never will. “But if it’s the way you describe it, it sounds beautiful.”
“What does it feel like? To know that you’re going to die?”
Wow. Um…okay…
“At first, I felt so fucking angry. I’m barely thirty… there’s so much I haven’t done, so much I haven’t seen or experienced. I always thought I’d get to fall in love – get married, have babies. And I’ve always had this idea that I would take my wife to Paris for our first wedding anniversary. Romantic right?”
“Very,” she agreed, sounding impressed with my plan.
“I always planned to travel the States too one day. Make the drive down Route 66 with the hood down on a rented convertible… stay up all night and sleep all day in Vegas… So yeah. I was angry. It didn’t seem fair. Why me? I thought. But then again why not me? What makes me so special?
“After the anger subsided I just felt terribly sad. Every time I looked at Emmie I already missed her. That was the first time I ever considered telling her about our real mum, but after everything she’d been through with Dex I just didn’t have the heart to fuck with her head even more. I’m glad she knows now though. She already seems more settled don’t you think? It’s like some part of her always knew something was missing from her life and now she fee
ls complete. She knows where she comes from. I don’t know if that makes any sense.”
“It makes complete sense. She’s actually said the very same thing to me.” That made me smile. “And what about now? How do you feel about it now?”
“Ready,” I said simply. I couldn’t have said that before this week away. But now everything is in place. The garage is in Emmie’s name. Dexter only has two more assessments before he gets awarded his NVQ in mechanics. I’ve made my peace with my father. I’ve reminisced with Emmie and told her how much I love her. And after this conversation with Rachel, I feel like I’ve closed that chapter too. All that’s left to say is a final goodbye.
And I have no doubt that is going to be my hardest battle yet.
“I can’t even imagine what that must feel like,” Rachel sighed. I couldn’t think of a response for that so we just stayed quiet, staring at the cracked ceiling. “You know, I had such a crush on you in high school.”
“What? Rach you’re practically my little sister!”
“That’s not how I saw it. Seriously when I was thirteen I kept a photo of you in my bedside table and I would take it out and kiss it every night before I went to bed.”
“That’s um… wow,” I laughed. “Does Emmie know?”
“No way. She’d have thought I was a complete saddo.”
“I kind of agree with her.” That earned me an elbow in the ribs. “I just saw you as the little squirt who hung out with my sister.”
“You know it’s taking all my self control not to make some lewd comment about being a ‘squirt’.”
“Eww! I’ve just told you you’re like a sister to me!”
“That’s why I restrained myself, dickhole. Because… these days I think of you like a brother too. And I guess I couldn’t ask for a better one.”
“I love you, twirp.”
“Yeah. I love you, too.”
Closing my heavy eyes I let myself drift off to sleep, peaceful in the knowledge everyone I cared about knew how much they meant to me.