by Nicola Haken
Chapter Eighteen
Emily
“You’re gonna be in so much shit, dude,” Dexter said, laughing to Jared as he made his way out of the arcade with a pink teddy.
“I won her a teddy! How can she be pissed off at that?”
“Because you must’ve put about fifty pounds in that machine to win a teddy you could probably pick up in a dollar store.”
“Yeah well she doesn’t need to know that part. I’m telling you she’ll love it, which means she’ll reward me in kind later.” Jared winked at Dexter who simply shook his head. “I’m going to head back now to check on her. You guys coming?”
“Actually I want to take Em for a stroll down the beach.” My heart warmed instantly. We hadn’t spent much time alone together this last week. “What d’you say, doll? Will you take a walk with me?”
“Sure,” I agreed with a smile.
“Catch you guys later then. Actually make that tomorrow. I’ll be busy getting my reward remember?” Jared winked again, holding the pink teddy proudly in the air.
“Bye, Jared.”
“Laters, dude.”
And then Jared walked away, leaving Dexter and me alone. Well, if you don’t count the crowds of other holidaymakers and partygoers surrounding us.
“Come on, doll, let’s head to the sand. There’s no one else there at this time of night.”
“It’s almost 9 PM. I don’t know if we’re allowed to go on the beach this late. Don’t they close it or something?”
“We’ll find a way. Take my hand, doll.” And so I did, grinning like an idiot while Dexter led me across the road and towards the beach.
As I suspected, the beach was closed off. But that didn’t stop Dexter finding a low level railing and hopping effortlessly over it. At first I flat out refused to join him. One, because I was scared we would get caught and two, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to climb over without breaking a limb. I can’t say it took more than a little gentle persuasion for Dexter to change my mind though. One tiny pout and an adorable wink and I would’ve agreed to anything. So once I’d gathered up enough courage to hitch myself up onto the rail, Dexter wrapped his arms under my armpits and lifted me over, before lowering me into the sand and kissing me.
Carrying our shoes in our hands, we walked along the sand for a while. Being late at night it was cold beneath my feet, but I welcomed the coolness. It helped numb the ache of walking around in tight shoes all day. We ended up settled on some stone steps, tucked away at the far side of the beach with nobody else in sight. Dexter had his arm wrapped around me and I rested my head on his chest, looking out to the sea.
“I never did get a chance to show you the New Life list I drew up in rehab,” Dexter said while twirling strands of my hair between his fingers.
“I don’t want to see it,” I replied. “I’ve not looked at my own since I first went to America with you. So much has changed, I don’t think either list is probably relevant anymore. I think we should start again. Draw up a new list. Together.”
“I like that idea. A lot. Although there is one thing I would like to transfer from your list to our list.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Wasn’t there something about skinny dipping on Brighton beach?”
“Ah yes. Number thirty-four!”
“Well how about we change it to skinny dipping on Blackpool beach?”
“You can’t be serious! That water will be freezing!” I objected, sitting up and pulling myself free from his arm so I could stare at him.
“I’ll warm you up,” he said with a suggestive smirk. “Oh wait,” he continued, suddenly looking serious. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The first time I took you into the water you freaked out… about Olivia. I forgot. I’m sorry.”
“Dexter I barely knew you then. I was fighting my own demons that you knew nothing about. I’ve come so far since then. I’m not afraid to go into the water with you. I trust you with my life now.”
“Oh, doll… you really shouldn’t have said that.”
“What, why?” Dexter was standing up and reaching down for me before I’d even finished speaking. “Dex what are you… Dexter! Argh!” Instinctively I closed my eyes when I found myself in his arms with the breeze whipping against my face. He was running towards the water, and the only indication I had that we’d reached it was the sound of the water slapping against his bare feet.
“Hold on tight, doll!”
Before I could argue my whole body was immersed in the freezing cold water with Dexter tugging eagerly at my sodden clothes.
“It’s freezing!” I screamed. Grinning devilishly at me, Dexter started unbuttoning my shirt.
“Well you’re about to get one hell of a lot colder, doll.” Oh my God. We were in the sea on a public beach where anyone could walk up on us at any minute. Yet when Dexter had stripped me first and then himself naked, tossing our clothes towards the sand, I had never felt so turned on in my life. It felt strangely liberating. “I fucking love you, Emily Barton,” he growled into my neck. Then he lifted me up, encouraging my legs to wrap around his waist, and he kissed me passionately… everywhere.
**********
One month later…
“Are you nervous?” I asked Dexter. He passed his final NVQ assessment last week and now all he had left to do in order to earn his qualification was a two hour exam at the college. That’s where he was heading this morning.
“Nah. I know this shit in my sleep,” he answered with a confident grin. “I think you should go and check on Chris when I’m gone. I heard him rattling around a lot in the night.”
“Yeah,” I agreed with a solemn nod. “Me too.”
The past couple of weeks Chris has spent more time in bed than not. He’s lost a drastic amount of weight – so much so his eyes look permanently sunken and his face gaunt. So far he has flat out refused to let us call his Macmillan nurse, but somehow I think that decision might be out of his hands soon.
“Well good luck. Call me as soon as you get out,” I told Dexter, leaning up on my tiptoes to kiss him.
“Sure will, doll. I’m not allowed to take my cell into the exam room, but if you need me for anything, call the college and tell them it’s an emergency.”
I nodded again and Dexter gave me a quick squeeze before slapping my bum, grabbing the keys for his bike and leaving for college.
The first thing I did once I heard the roar of his bike outside is head upstairs to check on Chris. Peering through the crack in the door I saw he was fast asleep so not wanting to disturb him I turned back to the stairs. Well, after hovering outside his room for a minute or so to make sure I could hear him breathing. The thought that one day, most likely soon, I won’t hear him sends painful shivers down my spine.
When I got downstairs I tidied the magazines into a neat pile on the coffee table, fluffed up the cushions and gave the place a quick vacuum. My dad and Sarah were on their way so I just did the essentials to make the place look presentable. I’d just finished winding the cord around the hook on the vacuum I heard a knock at the door.
“Hey, princess,” my dad greeted first, giving me an awkward kiss on the cheek before stepping inside.
“Hi, honey,” Sarah greeted next, giving me a full on hug. “Has Dexter left for college?”
“Yeah. I’m nervous. I don’t know why because he’s not,” I admitted.
“He’ll be fine. He’s been poking his nose under cars for as long as I can remember.” She was right of course, but I was still sure I’d feel better when he’d finished the exam and was back home with me.
“Can I get you a drink?” I asked both of them.
“I’d love a coffee,” Sarah answered as she removed her jacket.
“I’ll take a tea-two please, princess.”
Nodding, I made my way into the kitchen. I heard footsteps following me and when I looked around I saw my dad standing nervously in the doorway.
“Where’s Christopher?” he asked, his brow furrowing with sadness.
“He’s sleeping. He sleeps a lot lately.”
“Does he have another hospital appointment coming up?”
“On Friday. I’m hoping he’ll agree to let his Macmillan nurse start coming to the house and issue him with stronger pain meds. He tries to hide it but you can see the pain in his eyes. He’s really suffering.” Tears pricked the back of my eyes as I spoke, and when I looked over at my dad I noticed his were a little redder around the edges too.
We stood in silence after that while I continued making drinks. I was almost finished, just stirring my dad’s two sugars into his tea, when he drew a deep breath and tucked his hands nervously in his pockets.
“So, I um… I filed for divorce last week.”
“Oh. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to that.” Do you congratulate people on getting a divorce? Say you’re sorry to hear that? Tell them it’s about bloody time?
“You don’t need to say anything, princess. I just thought you should know. Your mothe-I mean Jocelyn, refuses to speak to me, but according to my solicitor she’s started a therapy programme.”
“Well that’s good. She needs it.” And I meant it. Despite our troubled relationship I couldn’t bring myself to hate the woman I believed to be my mum my whole life, and I don’t think she’s naturally evil. I think she lost a child and didn’t have the faintest idea how to cope with that. “I hope it brings her some peace.”
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss Jocelyn in some way. She’s the only mother I’ve ever known and a part of me still wants to make her proud. I’ve accepted that will probably never happen, but the fact she’s getting counselling sparked a flicker of hope inside me. Knowing what I know now, I don’t ever expect her to love me like a daughter, but I can’t help hoping she will at least find it in her heart not to hate me one day.
“MUM?” Chris’ voice called down the stairs. My neck jerked straight towards the sound and when I ran out into the hallway, my dad followed. “Mum! Mum where are my trainers?”
“Chris?” I asked carefully, hesitantly making my way up the stairs.
“Not you,” he spat, waving me off with his hand. “I need Mum. I’m going to be late for football practice and I can’t find my trainers!”
My heart hammered against my ribs and not knowing how to deal with the situation, I called down the stairs for Sarah. She was by my side in seconds, and so was my dad.
“Dad, there you are,” Chris said to him, looking relieved. “Have you seen my trainers? Mum’s tidied them away again and I’m going to be late for practice.”
“He’s not played football since he was in high school,” I whispered to Sarah. “He’s not making any sense. What’s wrong with him?” I rambled, fear stinging my eyes and making me cry.
“He’s just a little confused, honey. The doctor said this could happen, right?”
“I know but… but… it’s scaring me.”
“DAD!” Chris yelled, annoyed that he hadn’t got a response yet.
“No, son. I haven’t seen them. But hey, your coach just called and said practice is cancelled today. Why don’t you head back to bed for a while?”
“Ugh, whatever. Where’s Mum? I still need to find my trainers for later.”
“Your mum’s, um… not here.”
“Chris?” I said, my voice quivering.
“Leave me alone. I’ve got a headache. I’m going to sleep it off in my room.”
Swallowing down the choking lump of nerves in my throat, I nodded weakly. Then Chris stormed into his room and slammed the door closed behind him.
“Does he think he’s a teenager again or something? When he said ‘Mum’ did he mean our real mum? Will he snap out of it? Will he be back to normal after some more sleep? What if-”
“Calm down, honey,” Sarah soothed, cutting me off. “I think it’s time to give his nurse a call. She’s there for you as much as your brother.”
Again, all I could do was nod. I closed my eyes briefly while I gathered some composure, but they were startled open when I felt strong arms wrapping around me. My eyes met my dad’s for just a second before he pulled me close to his chest and I cried like a baby into his light-blue shirt.
“It’s okay, princess,” he said, his words cracking. “We’ll get through this.”
But Chris won’t…
“I-I love you, Dad,” I confessed, the tears making my voice uneven. I don’t quite know why I said it. I don’t recall a time I’ve ever been the first to say it, or especially a time when I was in his arms when I did. But in that moment I felt it. Without warning it hit me how much I loved my dad and when I realised he would soon be the only blood family I had left, I clutched him a little tighter.
“I love you too, princess. Dear God, I love you too.”
**********
I called Paula, Chris’ cancer nurse shortly after he fell back to sleep upstairs. She said she would pop round late afternoon although she couldn’t give me a definite time. When I went downstairs after calling her, I went to the living room but stopped in my tracks when I caught my Dad and Sarah in an emotional embrace.
“Soon, I’ll have outlived two of my children,” my dad cried. “How is that fair, Sarah? Why them? Why not me?”
Sarah brought him closer and he nestled his head in her chest as he sobbed into her floral shirt. Damn if the whole scene didn’t rip my heart from my chest. Holding my breath in an effort to stem the tears, I backed away from the door and left them alone.
What I’d just seen wasn’t proof of course - it could well have been Sarah just consoling a breaking man - but the image resurfaced my suspicions that they are seeing each other. For the first time, I kind of hoped they were. My dad was going to need someone to help him through the coming months and I couldn’t think of a more loving and supportive woman than Sarah.
Not wanting to intrude on what was happening in the living room, I kept myself busy in the kitchen. I washed all the dishes by hand even though we have a dishwasher, then I wiped the counters down, mopped the floor, and re-arranged all the bits of crap stuck to the fridge with magnets. Dexter came home just as I was running out of things to occupy myself with, and I threw myself into his arms before he could even mutter ‘hello’.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said in a soothing tone, rubbing my back as he held me. “What’s wrong, doll? Has something happened?”
“No. Yes. No. I mean Chris is… well he’s not fine but he’s okay.”
“It’s okay, Em,” he cooed. “Take a minute to calm down. We’ll talk whenever you’re ready.”
I buried my head in Dexter’s chest and stayed there for several minutes before feeling composed enough to peel myself away from him. When I did, he encouraged me to go into the living room while he made coffees for everyone. So I did, and when I entered the room the intense moment between my dad and Sarah seemed to be over.
“Are you two seeing each other?” I blurted without thinking. My dad stuttered on his words before turning to Sarah for… I don’t know, help? Reassurance?
“Yes,” Sarah answered honestly. “Yes, honey we are.”
“Oh.” I nodded, feeling slightly flabbergasted even though I already suspected as much. “Were you ever going to tell us?” My tone sounded bitter, and when Dexter entered the room he immediately asked what was wrong. “I was right. My dad and Sarah are a couple.”
“What the…” Dexter breathed, widening his eyes as he placed the tray carrying three mugs of coffee and one mug of tea on the table. “Wow. Okay. Um… congratulations?”
“We were going to tell you,” Sarah began. Dexter sat next to me on the sofa and draped a protective arm over my shoulder. “I suppose we just wanted to make sure we had something to share. This is so new for both of us. Derek has only just left a nineteen-year marriage and I haven’t allowed myself to feel this kind of thing in such a long time. Plus, with everything else going on, it felt selfish t
o even consider a relationship between us as news.”
“Princess… please don’t be angry – especially not with Sarah. If anyone’s in the wrong here it’s me. I’m the one who’s still married. Sarah’s just… I love her, princess. I know it seems ridiculous so soon but it’s the truth. I’d been numb ever since the day you were born and I lost your mother and this amazing woman right here is teaching me how to feel again.”
Yeah. That sounds like Sarah.
“It doesn’t sound ridiculous,” I admitted. “I knew I loved Dexter within weeks of knowing him. I guess if you find the other half of your soul, you just know.”
“Wait… you’re not mad?” my dad asked, his voice rising an octave in disbelief.
“No, Dad. I’m not mad with you. With either of you. You’re my dad and I love you, and I already love Sarah like a mother so I guess it’s all working out pretty perfectly.”
“Dexter?” Sarah pressed nervously anxiously awaiting his response to the news.
“Hey,” Dexter answered. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. Derek? You fuck with her and I’ll make you pay with your balls. Got it?”
“Loud and clear, Dexter. But I can assure you I don’t intend to hurt this woman. Ever. I love her too much.”
“Good. It better stay that way. Now enough mushy shit, let’s finish our conversation from the kitchen. What’s happened with Chris?”
I went on to tell Dexter about Chris’ ‘episode’, then I broke down in tears. Once I’d calmed down again I told him the Macmillan nurse would be round soon and also that I had never been more afraid in my life. Then… Sarah spoke and instantly made me feel like crap again.
“So how did the exam go, honey?”
“Oh my God! Dexter I’m so sorry - it completely slipped my mind. I feel terrible!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, doll. You’re brother is way more important than some shitty exam…” he trailed off, letting a smug smile crawl across his face before continuing. “That I’m pretty sure I aced,” he continued.
“Yeah?” I asked excitedly.
“I won’t get my results for another two months, but honestly I could’ve eaten that paper for breakfast.”