by Nicola Haken
“She’s okay. Jared is with her and the ambulance is on its way. You’re gonna be okay man. You hang in there for me.”
“No mate,” he replied with a ghost of a smile. Then he cried out as he moved his arm towards me. I opened my mouth to tell him not to move but he took hold of my hand and the look of almost relief on his face rendered me speechless. “This is it for me, Dex. Th-this is my time.”
“Don’t talk like that!” I scolded him, squeezing his hand a little tighter. “The ambulance will be here any second. You’re gonna get through this,” I muttered, my determination dissolving along with the strength of his grip on my hand.
“I’m s-slipping, D-Dex. And i-it’s a blessing,” he croaked. My lip trembled and tears blocked my nose. “It’s better t-this way. I don’t w-want to be a c-cabbage. Feels like I’ve w-won. This f-fuck-er didn’t get to take me down. I’m ready, D-Dex. Go back to Emmie.”
“I’m not leaving you,” I whimpered, lowering my head down to my knees. When I looked up at him again his eyes were flickering closed. He was slipping… he was dying. The pool of blood that seemed to be coming from the impact to his abdomen had grown, spreading around his body and soaking through my jeans. A potent mix of instinct and love for this guy forced me to wrap my arms around the top half of his body and I cradled his head into my chest.
“I love you, man,” I sobbed, my tears dripping onto his bald head and disappearing into the blood collecting around his neck. His eyes were still closed and his breaths were short and labored. I could’ve sworn a hint of a smile formed on his lips as he eyes blinked open one last time.
“Y-you…t-too…m-m-mate.” The lump in my throat made it difficult to breathe and when he closed his eyes again I completely broke down, rocking back and forth with him in my arms. Rather quickly his short breaths began to slow, the pause in between each one growing longer. “You take g-good care of E-Em-Emily.”
“You got it, man,” I snivelled, and the light grip his hand had on mine tailed off completely as it fell limp by his side. Beyond the yelling and the screaming going on in the crowd around us, I heard the hum of sirens in the distance. They were too late for Chris. I clutched his lifeless body tighter in my arms for a few extra seconds as I wept into the cool air.
Then, laying him down as gently as I could, I kissed the top of his forehead and prepared to make my way back to Emily.
“Goodnight, brother. Sleep well.”
**********
I practically jumped on the doctor who was accompanying Emily back from her CT scan. While Chris was dying in my arms she lost consciousness, most likely due to her hitting her head on the sidewalk when she went down.
“How is she?” I urged.
“She’s already coming around…”
“Thank God,” I sighed before he could finish.
“The scan showed no injury to the brain so I have no reason to believe she has anything more than a mild concussion. Someone will be coming to take her down to orthopaedics soon to address her fractured wrist, and I’d like to keep her in overnight for observation, but all going well she can be discharged tomorrow.”
“Can I see her?”
“Of course. Just one person at a time though,” he added when he saw Rachel and Jared waiting behind me.
“We should go home,” Jared said, turning to Rachel.
“I don’t want to leave her,” she sniffled.
“Rach, you’re pregnant. Being holed up in here isn’t going to be good for you or the babies. She’s out of the woods,” I assured. “And I promise to call you if anything changes.”
“He’s right, babe. We should leave them alone while she comes to terms with what Dexter has to tell her.”
Emily still didn’t know about Chris, and fresh tears formed in the back of my eyes at the knowledge I would have to break her heart very soon.
“Okay,” Rachel reluctantly agreed.
“I’ll take care of her, Rach,” I reassured her.
“I know you will,” she agreed, forcing a weak smile that was betrayed by the tears streaming down her cheeks.
“You know where we are if you need us, mate,” Jared said, patting my shoulder.
“Oh wait, did you guys call Derek?”
“Yeah,” Jared answered. “He’s on his way with Sarah.” I nodded, patting his shoulder in return and then I immediately spun around and headed to Emily’s room.
My heart swelled when I entered the room and she smiled in recognition at me.
“God you scared me, doll,” I said, hurrying over to her, pulling up the chair beside her bed and taking hold of the hand that wasn’t broken. I kissed her knuckles, keeping her fingers under my nose and inhaling her scent. She was here. She was alive and she was okay. “I love you so much.”
“I like to keep you on your toes,” she joked. She attempted to laugh but then winced from the pain in her ribs. “Chris. The van hit Chris.” Oh God here it comes. The moment I destroy her. “How is he?”
I sucked in a deep, purposeful breath and closed my eyes. When I opened them I leaned closer to her and squeezed her hand a little tighter. From the tremble of her lower lip in that moment, I could tell she already knew what I was about to say.
“He’s gone, Emily. Chris died at the scene.”
I was expecting tears. Maybe even wails and screaming. I waited for her to break down, to pull her hand free from mine and sob into it… to cry his name and say she didn’t believe it. What I didn’t expect… was silence. Complete and utter calm with only the sound of her slightly jagged breaths filling the air.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye,” she muttered quietly after what seemed like an eternity of silence. “Was he alone? Did he suffer?”
“No, doll. I was with him until the end. I… held him the whole time.” My voice cracked as emotion swelled in my throat. “He was relieved, Em. He was ready to let go.”
I thought she might question me further, but she didn’t. She accepted what I told her and even managed a small smile.
“I’m glad he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. I know his pain would’ve only got worse… I just wish I’d told him I loved him one more time.”
“He knew, Emily,” was all I said. “In fact, you were the last word on his lips. He told me to take care of you.”
“Really?”
“Really. He adored you, doll, and he was so proud of the woman you’ve become.”
“Will you hold me, Dex? I need to feel close to you.”
Without a word or a moment’s hesitation, I climbed onto the bed and opened my arms for her. Burying my face in her hair I inhaled her scent again, only this time it smelt like blood and dirt.
“I feel like if I cry I might never stop,” she whispered into my chest, and that’s when I noticed her finger dart out to touch the dried blood covering my jeans – Chris’ blood. “I don’t know how I feel, or how I’m supposed to feel. Numb maybe? I think that’s what I feel right now.”
“And that’s okay, doll. Whatever you feel is okay. You’re not alone. I’m with you, Emily. Don’t ever forget how much I love you.”
“Miss Barton?” a woman’s voice interrupted.
“Yes,” Emily answered, shifting uncomfortably in the bed. I kissed the tip of her nose and jumped down, making room for the two orderlies flanking the nurse who’d just come in.
“Time to get your wrist patched up,” the nurse explained, though we already knew why she was here.
“I’ll go and wait outside. See if your dad’s here yet.”
“Does he know?”
“Yes,” I said solemnly. Emily nodded just once in response, and then the orderlies wheeled her away.
Aunt Sarah and Derek were waiting anxiously in the waiting room and as soon as they saw me coming, Aunt Sarah lunged at me, wrapping her tiny arms around me and squeezing me tight.
“Oh, honey,” she cooed. “Are you alright?”
“Not really,” I answered truthfully, pulling back from her hug. In that moment my e
yes caught Derek’s and my heart ached for him. Usually such a smart and formal man, he stood in front of me with swollen red eyes, stubble shadowing his jaw, and a crumpled shirt that he’d clearly thrown on in a moment of panic and mismatched the buttons.
“I’ve outlived two of my children,” he said desolately to no one in particular. I’m not even sure he was aware that he’d said it aloud. Aunt Sarah stepped towards him and rubbed his arm up and down. The movement seemed to snap him out of whatever trance he’d fallen into and he looked up at me. “Where’s Emily? Is she handling things okay?”
“They are casting her broken wrist, apart from that she’s fine. Physically anyway. Mentally? She seems to be holding it together but, well I think she’s gotta break at some point.”
“Can we see her when she gets back?” Aunt Sarah asked.
“I don’t see why not. You should go ask at the nurses’ station over there. I’m just heading outside – need some fresh air.”
“You’re staying strong though, yes?” she urged, pressing her hands into my shoulders. Staying strong – also known as code for ‘you’re not going to use are you?’
“Yes, Aunt Sarah. I’m the least of my worries right now. All I can think about is Emily.” Seeming appeased, she raised herself up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek.
“You need to grieve too, honey. Don’t neglect how you’re feeling.” I offered a forced smile in return, and then she disappeared across the waiting area towards a nurse who was writing something on a whiteboard. Derek followed, trailing like a living zombie behind her as he prepared to see his last remaining child.
When I stepped through the automatic doors and into the night air I sucked in the deepest breath of my life. Then I did it again, and again… it felt like I’d not taken a breath in months and I couldn’t satisfy my lungs’ thirst for oxygen. I had no idea what time it was although I knew it was likely early some time in the AM. It was raining, and I welcomed it on my skin, tipping my face towards the sky.
There was a garbage can just next to me, and unconsciously my foot reached out to kick it. I repeated the process until the can was dented and my foot hurt, grunting and spitting and attacking it like I was trying to kill it, until a surge of emotion, pain and grief forced me to my knees. I collapsed onto the damp concrete, looked up and let the rain wash over my face – as if it could somehow cleanse the pain from my soul.
Then I cried into the sky. I cried for the pain in Emily’s eyes. I cried for the loss in Derek’s heart. But most of all, I cried for the man I loved like a brother, who died cradled in my arms just a few hours ago.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Emily
Today is the day of Chris’ funeral. It took just a few days to arrange and somehow I did it while remaining calm, focused and organised – when in the funeral parlour at least. Other times, whether I’m alone or not, an image of Chris will pop into my mind and it literally crushes me. The pain feels like an actual explosion deep in my chest, stealing my breath away and forcing me to double over as I cry.
There’s been a permanent bubble of tears resting behind my eyes and every so often one will escape, trailing miserably down my cheek. But eventually the pressure gets too intense – my eyes start to sting and my chest starts to hurt, and then the dams burst and the whole lot come pouring down my face.
Dare I say my dad’s been amazing? He footed the expenses of the funeral which to be honest I kind of expected, but he’s also been round every single day, phoned several times a day, and hasn’t gone home once without hugging me close and kissing the top of my head. At first I silently resented it. Why couldn’t he have acted this way when Livvie died? I was a child then, practically still a baby – that was when I needed cuddles and love. I’m an adult now, I can cope without him. He’s not the centre of my universe anymore, yet when he was… he let me down.
As the days passed however I realised I didn’t have the space in my heart for negative feelings. I’d already agreed to leave the past where it was and give him a chance to make a fresh start with me. Yet there I was doing the exact opposite – living in the past, in the mind of my five year old self. My dad’s grief over Livvie ruined his life for so many years – he retreated into a shell, blocking everyone and everything else out. He lived alone with his pain for fourteen years – fourteen years of a life nobody knows how long is going to last. I’m not prepared to do that. I’m not willing to waste a single day of this life I’m so lucky to have. I am going to live each day to the fullest – live each day for my brother.
It was only when I realised that, I found myself appreciating his efforts. I let him hold me, I let him soothe me, and then I ended up holding him right back. I took some of his pain and he took some of mine, and for the few minutes I was in his arms, the ache in my chest was bearable.
About an hour before the hearse and processional cars were due to arrive I heard a fuss going on downstairs while I was putting the final clips in my hair. It didn’t take long before I heard the holler of Rachel’s giant gob and just the sound of her voice made me smile.
When I got home from hospital I encouraged Rachel to tell me the events as she saw them that night. I knew she didn’t want to, no doubt assuming the details would hurt me, but if anything I found them comforting. The poor girl had no choice but to sit back and watch while it happened, and in some bizarre way I felt better knowing I was knocked unconscious. I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to see your best friends in so much danger while being stuck in a body that refuses to move you closer to them.
I made my way down the stairs and immediately felt a dozen set of eyes land on me. We were all here – Dex and I, my dad and Sarah, and now Rachel and Jared, along with some friends of Chris’ I’d never met, Ernie and his wife and a few randoms who I seriously had no clue who they were. Rachel was the first to approach me and I eyed up her ‘funeral outfit’ curiously. She was wearing a black hoody and leggings, looking altogether better suited for an afternoon robbing from grandmas than attending a funeral.
“This is the only black thing I had!”
“I offered to take her shopping,” Jared butted in, shrugging and holding his hands up like he refused to take the blame.
“But I don’t wear black, so it just seems like a waste of money for one day. Plus I’m not planning on staying the size of a beached whale for much longer, so it wouldn’t even fit me in a few weeks. Chris wouldn’t care what I’m wearing. He’d just be glad I’ve shown up when I have so many more, less depressing things I could be doing. Like smearing cream on my piles.”
Only Rachel can get away with saying stuff like that. She always has. There’s something in the crafty wink, or the teasing smile she gives you that makes being mad with her an impossibility. She has the ability to take such a serious, heavy and consuming situation, and make it lighter – brighter. And she was right of course, Chris wouldn’t have cared if she’d come dressed in a bin bag. In fact, if he could see her now he would probably be laughing at her, and cheering her on for being the only one here without a miserable face.
I had a feeling the next hour was going to drag painfully slowly, so I left everyone chatting in the living room and headed to the kitchen to wipe down the sides that were already clean. I was just wiping over the windowsill when I felt Dexter’s arms snake around me from behind. I knew they were his – no one else has the power to make my knees wobbly like he does.
“Would it be inappropriate to tell you how fucking sexy you look in that outfit?” he whispered in my ear. Smiling, I looked down at my black pencil skirt and fitted white blouse, then I turned around in his arms to face him.
“Maybe,” I said. “But I guess that would also make it inappropriate for me to say I’ve fantasised about peeling that suit off you about fifteen times this morning.”
“Oh yeah?” He raised one eyebrow, and then adjusted his black tie – teasing the silk between his fingers and grinning at me suggestively.
Blushing a little, I reached up
on my tiptoes and kissed him. Winding my fingers into the back of his hair, I pulled him closer to me, fixing my lips firmly to his, as if he would disappear if I let him go.
“Well that’s one way of mourning I suppose.” Our lips snapped apart and I saw Rachel sitting in the doorway with a huge grin on her face. “Though I’d suggest not fucking each other by the graveside. I mean, obviously I’m cool with that shit but some people might find it disrespectful – you know the boring people.”
“We weren’t fu-doing that!” I protested. Rachel winked at me and my embarrassment instantly faded.
“I’m thirsty, ho. You’re not looking after your guests very well,” she said, wheeling past me towards the fridge and plucking out a bottle of fresh orange juice. “Besides, being in that room is depressing the fuck out of me. You know how much I loved Chris, and of course it fucking kills me that he’s not here right now… but I can’t help thinking he’d be rolling his eyes if he could see those guys in there. They’re all whispering to each other like it’s suddenly a sin to talk out loud. They’re all nodding and moving slower than a fucking snail, as if somehow that means Chris meant more to them. And I swear there’s some chick in there that keeps dabbing her eyes with a tissue even though there’s nothing there. There’s no way she’d risk crying and screwing up her mascara. I don’t get it. I’m sure being a miserable bastard wasn’t why Chris chose them as friends.”
There she went again. Saying it like it is. And I love her for it.
“You left me on my own in there!” Jared scolded with a whisper as he seemed to appear from nowhere in the doorway. “You said you were just fetching a drink!”
“I hardly left the country, Jaz. I’m only in the kitchen.”
“I know but… people are… sad.” He said the word like it was a disease he couldn’t pronounce. I swear these two always manage to make me happy, no matter what’s going on around me. “I don’t know how to deal with sad people! It was hard enough when Jess’ kitten died when we were kids!”