by Nashoda Rose
Yeah, well she was not getting his banana. Fuck that. And I was glad to see she failed to return the gesture of a smile. He didn’t seem to care when he leaned in and kissed her. He fuckin’ kissed her right on the mouth that had sung the words to my fuckin’ song.
I’d never given two shits about a chick. They used me just as much as I used them. I had no misconception that they slept with me because of who I was. Even when we weren’t famous, they slept with me because I was in a band and it was hot to fuck a guy with a guitar.
I played it up. And I kicked them out in the morning or better yet, right after. I didn’t give a shit because they were just happy to tell their friends they’d fucked a rock star. I was cool with that. It never bothered me.
What bothered me was seeing another guy’s mouth on Haven’s. Kite’s hand clamped down on my arm when I went to get up. “She’s dealing with it.”
I glanced back at Haven, and Lac was a few feet away from her and she looked pissed. She said something and I wished I could’ve heard, but by Lac’s slight nod and his chagrinned expression, it was obvious she told him to back off.
“Chatted with him tonight,” Kite said. “He’s in the med. program. Is at U of T on a scholarship for lacrosse.”
Great, he was smart and an athlete. Well, I’m a fuckin’ rock star.
“Let’s get out of here,” I suggested as Lac sat beside Haven, his arm going around the back of the couch behind her, but she shifted away, thank fuck. Maybe she can look after herself. I was betting she had the gun in her purse, but I was a guy and the protective nature in me was strong. “Logan and Ream might still be at Avalanche.” It was just after midnight, but I was betting they were still there. I quickly shot off a text to Logan.
Kite stood. “Yeah. I’ve had enough bad singing for the night. And now you owe me, twice.”
My phone vibrated as Logan texted back. “They’re still at Avalanche. Let’s grab Haven and head over.”
Kite scowled. “Haven? Man, she came with her friends.”
I shoved my phone in my back pocket. “I’m not leaving her here, drunk with a guy who can’t keep his hands to himself.”
“His hands aren’t touching her.” Kite shook his head and ran his teeth over his tongue piercing. “I knew this shit would happen.”
“What shit?”
“You. Her. Tonight. It’s a shit storm about to happen.”
“It’s all good. Don’t worry about it.” I took a step toward Haven when Kite’s hand shot out and grabbed my arm. “What?”
“Bad idea. Not tonight, man. She’s drunk. You’re high on her and it’s going to end up in one of your bedrooms. Not cool. She’ll hate you in the morning and you’ll hate yourself. Not to mention what the hell Ream will do to you for fucking his sister. You need to deal with that first, before you make that move.”
I shrugged out of his grip. “I can control myself, asshole. I have controlled myself for months.”
Kite scowled. “Not tonight you can’t. Hearing her sing . . . I saw your face.” Yeah, well, she blew me away. “We’ll take a cab to Avalanche and leave Roman here with the car and he’ll make sure she gets back okay. Let her hang with her friends.”
I ran my hand through my hair and shifted my feet. “Fuck.” He was right. I had one shot with Haven and I wasn’t blowing it. Her drunk was definitely not the time because after this afternoon, I was betting something would happen and I wanted her to come to me—sober. Because once we crossed that line, there was no going back, no running and no ice blocking me out.
“Fine, I’ll tell her we’re heading and if she wants a ride home or to come with us, then it’s her choice.” I pulled away and failed to bother excusing myself as I interrupted Lac saying something to Haven. Fuckin’ rude and crass, but shit, I was hanging on by a thread seeing his fingers play with the few strands of her hair that fell over the back of the couch. I didn’t think she even noticed him doing it, but I sure as fuck did.
“Need to talk a sec.” I leaned over, entwined my fingers with hers and pulled her to her feet before she or Lac could object.
I ignored Kite’s glower as I pulled her toward the door. Haven stumbled and I let go of her hand to hook my arm around her waist. “You okay?”
She nodded and it was nice to see she was smiling and didn’t seem to care that I was being an ass. Shit, seeing that smile made my stomach do a leap in the air like I was jumping off a cliff—with her.
“I’ll talk to Roman.” Kite continued past us.
I settled her against the wall, a ways down from the room, then rested one hand above her head the other lightly on her hip. “We’re headed to Avalanche. You want to come with us or we can drop you off at home?” Then I added, “Or stay here?”
“I swore to never drink, but they tasted good, not like the beer.”
I half-smiled. She was cute tipsy with her cheeks flushed and her voice softer, sexier.
She reached up and touched me right between my eyes, the pad of her finger caressing back and forth. “The crease is there. You only get that when you’re worried about something.” My breath stalled. “And when you’re angry, your voice gets all gravelly and deep.” I closed my eyes a second and swallowed. Her finger trailed down my nose off the tip to my lips and it took everything, I mean everything, I had to not draw her finger into my mouth. “I love it when you sing. I can’t figure out which is better, when you sing or laugh. Because when you laugh, it makes my chest all warm and tingly. It’s nice.”
She rested her head against the wall, arm lowering to her side. Oh, fuck. I was putty, fuckin’ melted putty that was a puddle on the floor at her feet.
“You flirted with me today. At school.”
It took me a second to answer because fuck if she wasn’t the most stunning woman I’d ever seen and I was crawling back up from the puddle. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
I couldn’t very well tell her because I wanted to fuck her so badly my cock hurt. So instead, I said, “Things need to change between us.”
By her frown, she didn’t get what I was saying and probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning.
“We’re friends.”
“Yeah, baby.”
“I like when you call me that.” She sighed then bit her lip. “I probably shouldn’t say that. It’s safer as friends.”
Fuck no. No, it wasn’t safer. Safer would be making her mine and kissing her, then scooping her up in my arms, taking her home and putting her in my bed, and then waking up to her in the morning. Kite was right. If we went home together, I’d fuck her if she’d let me. “Yeah. Whatever you want, Haven.”
Because that was what it came down to. What she wanted.
I’d been good. Fuck, I’d been an angel, but the angel was losing its fight against the devil who wanted to kiss her. Take her. Make her mine. But I was determined that she had to come to me. Her past was too screwed up to have it any other way. She may not have told me what happened, but we all knew it was really fuckin’ bad.
She was looking at me with parted lips, eyes a little droopy and if I pressed in a little closer, our lips would touch. Her warm breath drifted across my face like a sweet caress and I automatically leaned in closer.
Her breath hitched.
I felt it. Heard it.
“What’s your real name?”
“Vincent.”
“Are you going to kiss me, Vincent?” she whispered.
Holy fuckin’ Christ. Her saying my name, my real name, was the hottest thing I’d ever heard. No chick I’d been with knew my real name. Never gave it to them and they never asked because they liked knowing they were fucking Crisis from Tear Asunder. “Do you want me to?”
“Haven?” And of course, Mr. fuckin’ Lacrosse has to come out the door looking dapper in his dark snug blue jeans and pale pink dress shirt. “You ready to go home? I can call a cab.”
Keep your mouth shut. But I had a mouth that liked to run even when I knew it was a bad idea. “Yo
u’re not welcome back at our place tonight.”
Lac held up his hands. “Crisis, man, I’m not like that. It’s not like that. She already told me she doesn’t want to date.”
And he had to be a good guy unlike me who took pussy whenever I could get it up, until Haven walked into my life. Jesus. I shoved away from the wall.
“Hi, Lac,” Haven said, as if just noticing him.
“Hey, sweetie. Just came to make sure you’re okay. You had a few.”
Sweetie? What the fuck was that? Since when did she become sweetie? “You think I wouldn’t look after her?” I exploded.
Lac paled. “No! I wasn’t saying that.”
“Crisis.” Kite’s tone was abrupt. “Roman will wait downstairs for Haven.” He briefly touched her arm. “You hear me? Roman is downstairs. Take the car home.”
“Okay.” She nodded.
I hated leaving her here. I hated leaving her drunk with Mr. Fuckin’-Ass-Kisser who was calling my girl sweetie. But I had no choice. Well, I could throw her over my shoulder and take her home. Kite, would kick my ass or at least try to, and Haven . . . yeah, I wasn’t pushing her tonight and ruining our chances.
“Make sure she gets to the car,” I said and stepped back, my stomach churning like a rusted propeller.
Lac nodded and put his hand on the small of her back.
I knew it was to steady her because she was drunk, but the roar inside was detonating. Kite saw it and put his hand on my shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I asked Kite as I watched her walk away.
“Same thing that’s wrong with Logan and Ream.”
Yeah, I loved her. But I couldn’t do anything about it until she made a move and it was killing me.
Haven was half-way down the hall when she spun around and walked back to me, swaying a bit, but not bad enough to warrant me insisting on taking her home. My breath locked down in my chest as she moved into me and placed her palms on my chest.
“Thanks. For coming tonight.” She paused and her brow furrowed. “Not just for tonight . . . for everything.” She paused then dragged her teeth over her bottom lip. “You were right. I do like you . . . A lot.”
I closed my eyes and kissed the top of her head. “Yeah.” That was the only word I could get out.
Her hand slipped away and I watched her walk down the hall until she disappeared behind the door. It was as if a fist slammed into my ribcage and broke through, yanking out my heart then stomping on it with both feet until it burst and became a pancake.
There was something between us that was special as hell, but it had to be her letting me in, not me letting myself in. And the only way I could push her to make a move was to step back.
Kite slapped me on the back. “Let’s go to Avalanche.”
I RAN TO the washroom, fell to my knees and hung my head over the toilet. It was two in the morning. I’d been home for an hour and this was my third rush to the bathroom. My head was a time bomb with a constant tapping that refused to go away.
After dry heaving, because after three times there was nothing left to throw up, I crawled to my feet, grabbed my toothbrush and piled on the minty fresh toothpaste for the fourth time. I never drank. I’d seen enough drunken assholes to never want to lose control of myself that way and yet tonight I did.
But I was trying to erase him—Crisis. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a building, tipped forward about to lose my balance. With the slightest breeze, I was going to fall and never be able to come back from that.
My stomach rolled and I fell to my knees, head over the toilet again.
I was spitting into the porcelain bowl when a hand reached across and flushed. I jerked and looked up to see Crisis standing beside me. He scooped my hair back, his fingers trailing over the back of my neck. He held out a glass of water. I gratefully took it and sloshed it around in my mouth then spit again.
He took it from me and set it on the counter.
I moaned. “Remind me not to drink again.”
“There’s a trick to it. Water between drinks and try to stay clear of the pop in the mixed drinks.”
“Good to know. But never again.” He held out his hand and helped me to my feet. “When did you get back?”
“Just now.”
I moved to the sink and stuck my toothbrush back in my mouth while he turned on the taps. I watched him in the mirror as he went and flushed the toilet again, grabbed a facecloth from the basket, dampened it then passed it to me.
I wiped my mouth before saying, “I sang with you.”
He half-smiled. “Yeah. And you rocked it.”
“And by myself.”
“You rocked that even better.”
I hesitated then blurted out. “Lac kissed me.” His smile vanished and he casually leaned against the counter, arms crossed to match his ankles. He was also no longer looking at me. “I didn’t want him to. I pulled away and told him not to do it again.”
“I saw,” he replied.
“I don’t like him . . . not like that.”
“Okay.”
I expected more than that. This was not my territory. I was confused and my head hurt like hell. I also didn’t know what he wanted and he wasn’t helping me here. God, I didn’t know what I wanted. Well, I did. I just had been so determined to find normal. Subtle. Quiet. Of keeping my past in the past and suddenly I wanted to take a chance. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You need to figure that out, Haven.” He pushed away. Whoa, what was that? “Advil’s in the kitchen in the top drawer. Take two.”
I snagged his arm before he had the chance to walk out and the muscles tensed under my grip. Warmth throbbed beneath my palm trickling into me.
It was the same thrill of electricity every time he was near, except this time, it was threaded with tension. Because I was breathing hard and so was he as we stared at one another. I knew this was bad. I knew I should let it go, but I didn’t want to. I saw the hurt in his eyes when I mentioned Lac.
He threatened to release all the emotions I kept buried as they lifted into my chest and wanted to release. But the complete contradiction was that he was my rock. I needed him. I trusted him.
God, I trusted him. It hit me hard and I didn’t know what to do with it. I’d never felt this way about anyone. I wanted to tell him everything, hand him my demons and trust him with them.
“This . . . confuses me,” I finally said.
He kept his eyes on me as he gently pried my fingers off his arm and I hadn’t realized I’d been holding onto him that hard. “I’ll sum it up for you. I want you, and I think you know that. No, I know you know that. But you won’t trust me and I won’t be with you if you don’t. So this is what’s going to happen. I’m backing off. You clear up that confusion . . . then let me know.”
It was like a hammer the size of a house crashed down on me. He knew I liked him? He was backing off? But he hadn’t even really pursued me, had he? I mean we hung out and . . . and he was always there for me. It was him who I curled into when I broke. It was him who made me smile and laugh again. And I did trust him, just . . . I didn’t trust him enough with my past. Or maybe it was I was scared I’d lose him if he knew.
“Crisis? I like you . . . and I do trust you.”
“No, you don’t. Not with the important parts. And I need more. From you, I need more because I want all of you, not just slices of what you think is safe to give me.” He quietly walked out, shutting the bathroom door behind him.
I didn’t know what to do with that. I was too hungover to do anything except lay on the cool bathroom floor.
I woke still lying on the ceramic tiles, still in the clothes from last night and still not feeling well. My mouth felt as if it had a layer of flour on my tongue. I swished my mouth out with peppermint mouthwash and carefully walked—carefully because my head thumped with every step—and changed into my linen white pajamas.
I had one knee on the bed ready to crawl under the covers and disappear for the day when
my phone buzzed. I leaned over and grabbed the jeans I’d just taken off and pulled the offending phone from my back pocket.
We’ll be there in five.
I sat up. Fuck. My brother. He and Kat were coming by to have breakfast. I threw my phone aside and quickly dove for the shower. Smelling like vomit and alcohol was not going to be a raving point for my living here.
I shampooed my hair, using the suds to douse my body then rinsed and was out of the shower within minutes. I dried myself off, wrapped a towel around and darted out of the bathroom, slamming right into a rock-hard chest.
“Ugh,” Crisis grunted, falling back a step from my momentum. “Guess I know why you’re in a hurry? Big brother is coming up the elevator.”
“Shit.” I paused as I realized what he’d said. “How did you know he was first born?”
He shrugged. “Didn’t. Now, I do.”
“How much did you know about me? I mean when he came to live with you.”
“Nothing. I saw a picture of you once. You looked about six or seven, maybe. He had his arm around you and it looked like the water was behind you.” The lake. It was the one time my mother took us to a lake, but it was more because the guy she was dating took us. “He kept it on him all the time, until mom washed his jeans and it got ruined. That was when he went and had ‘Angel’ tattooed on his arm. Didn’t know why at the time.”
“Do you know what happened to us? What I did.” Please say no. The thought of Crisis knowing I was raped and on drugs . . . it made me feel weak and I’d fought a long time to get over that feeling.
“Nope.” He nodded to the stairs. “And you better get changed, the elevator dinged.”
I scrambled past him and dug into my drawer for clothes.
“Coffee’s made. Kite’s on the bacon,” Crisis called as he left.
I came out into the kitchen just as Kite was finishing the bacon.
“If I could put horses out back, I’d move in,” Kat said, then noticed me, came over and hugged me. She then pulled back and whispered in my ear. “Rum?”
Damn it.
“Don’t worry. He was drunk off his ass at Avalanche last night. He won’t know if it’s him or you.” She squeezed my arm.